Things I Shouldn't Think

by Janet Ruth Young

  I shouldn’t tell you any of this since I think little kids should be protected from bad things. Remember how I wanted the TV off when something scary came on? I wanted to protect you. Anyway, by now you probably know that there’s something wrong with me and that’s why I had to leave.

  I got the idea of writing this because I saw some berries growing and wondered how Louie was doing. You take such good care of him. Someday you’ll take care of someone the same way I wanted to take care of you.

  Now I wonder why I’m even writing this. You can’t read some of these words. And who would read them to you? Not your mom, I’m sure. Anyway, I’ll just say I’m thinking of you. No one will ever see this, but here is my thought of you, written down on paper and buried under a maple tree.

  Love always,

  Dani

  61

  “Is that Big Red?” the elderly woman asks. Her husband is reading the paper. The front-page photo looks like the tall tennis-playing redhead from across the street. “Got another win, did she?”

  “No.” Her husband, Jonas, hands her the front section. The headline of the Beacon-Times says TROUBLED TEEN GOES MISSING. So this must be why the cruiser was there. She and Jonas had looked the other way to avoid causing embarrassment.

  She remembers Big Red and her friend the brunette as children coming home from tennis lessons in their white outfits. She recalls how things were across the street when Beth’s husband moved to Colorado. The yard wasn’t maintained, but Big Red and her friend would connect the sprinkler and run through it, leaping over the highest weeds. When Beth brought Big Red for trick-or-treating that year she was a big girl, but she wore her princess costume from the previous year, which was too short and tight. Jonas tried to tease Big Red by saying there was no candy, but she saw the candy dish and opened the front door and went right for it. “That’s our Big Red,” her husband would say any time her tennis scores appeared. After a while Beth added the pool and the girls didn’t need the sprinkler anymore.

  “Life can be very hard,” the woman says, handing the paper to her husband.

  “It certainly can be,” he says.

  “Poor Big Red,” she says.

  Her husband turns to the next article. “Right for the candy dish,” he says, and they both chuckle.

  62

  Shelley can’t wrap her mind around the idea of Dani being dangerous and psycho. It’s too extreme. Instead Shelley dwells on the fact that her best friend is gone, in one way or another, and Shelley can no longer talk to her.

  Every day since they were little kids, Shelley and Dani talked, even when Dani took that trip to Colorado. There was always this person, a strong, reliable wall to bounce her thoughts off of. Someone who could make her feel normal. I’ll talk to my best friend, Shelley told herself when something was discouraging or upsetting or just plain tangled.

  That’s why, out of everyone in the world, Dani was the one Shelley came out to. She knew her parents were not the right people—they had left their previous church because the church voted to allow gay ministers. Her brother was not the right one—he was just a little kid. GSA was all wrong, because even though it’s a gay-support group, Shelley considers it her safe place to hide. She hasn’t wanted to draw attention to herself there.

  Being secretly gay had felt like a burden she needed to be rid of. She set a deadline for when she would tell Dani, but the conditions were never perfect. Dani was distracted by something else, they were interrupted, or someone might overhear. So Shelley set a second deadline. And then she ended up blurting her secret in the courtyard at lunchtime just to get it over with.

  When Shelley was little she told her parents she was going to marry Dani. Ha, ha, ha, they’d said, that’s not right. They had guests over, so they treated it as a joke, one of those funny mistakes kids make.

  “No, it’s true,” she’d said. “I do want to marry Dani.”

  “Shush,” her mother said angrily. “You can’t marry a girl. That’s wrong. You have to pick a boy.” Their reaction was so strong that Shelley never said anything like that again.

  And actually, she was never attracted to Dani the way she was later to other girls. She had said it only because they were so comfortable together, true best friends. She was attracted to a different kind of girl—the flirty, social girls who put their looks out there more than she and Dani did.

  At first she tried to convince herself that she merely admired or envied these girls. She paid obsessive attention to the girls she thought were pretty: the clothes they wore, the friends they had, the boys they dated. She could try to imitate them if she wanted. She could try to look and act the way they did. But then she had to admit that she didn’t want to be like them. She wanted to be with them.

  Of course I’m not gay, she told herself many times. Both boys and girls like to look at girls, because girls look better. They take better care of themselves. They make sure their clothes fit right and their skin smells good. And in Meghan’s case, who of either orientation wouldn’t want to be around her? The way she moved, her easy manner of chatting people up. But once Shelley admitted to Dani that she was gay, she could accept her true feelings about Meghan. She was falling in love with her.

  Now the only person who knows who Shelley really is has disappeared. It’s as if Shelley never even came out to Dani. As if her gayness and her secret love were dropped into the ocean fathoms down. The one person she was ever completely comfortable with is someone she will never talk to, not ever again.

  63

  Dani walked all last night, assuming it was safest to be on the move. Her feet are sore from the stones and gravel poking into her flip-flops, and her face, neck, and legs are welted with bug bites. She peers through the branches at Havenswood’s sparkling reservoir. She would love to step into it, but it’s the town’s water supply. If she can find a receptacle she can carry some away to drink and wash with. She sees a Shane’s Supermarket bag and kicks it open to make sure it hasn’t been used for dog poop. She dips the bag into the water and watches it fill.

  Dani goes back into the woods with her pack and water pouch, staying close to the trees in case she needs to hide. She hears traffic on Route 133. She wonders who threw that rock with the message—Mrs. Alex? Mrs. Alex’s friends? The police? A stranger?—and how soon they’ll find her. She has little experience with hiding. She wishes she had paid more attention to books and movies that discussed clues like trampled grass.

  She’ll need to sleep tonight. While it’s light she finds the Shark’s Jaw boulder she stood on with Gordy. The hollow between the jaws will be her base. She hangs her bag of water on a tree and gathers armloads of leaves to pad the crevice. She has only her summer dress and hoodie to wear. She should have brought food, running shoes, pants, a T-shirt, a towel.

  She wonders what Beth thought when she found the rock and saw Dani was gone. Beth must be trying to find her. She wishes Beth wouldn’t worry. In a way she’s glad that the person who threw the rock drove her out of Hawthorne. For the first time in months, she feels relaxed. She doesn’t have to touch her mouth or squeeze her hands together. They did me a favor, she thinks. Finally, I can’t hurt anyone.

  64

  Protect Our Kids

  Member Alerts

  New message from: Rowdie

  Attention, POK Mass and NH!

  What can you do to protect kids in Hawthorne?

  1. Hang this Dani Solomon Potential Child Killer poster everywhere you can. It includes contact info for state and national POK.

  2. Call police chief at H. station EVERY 10 MINS and demand DD apprehension. Name is Scola 1-978-555-6530

  3. Sheepdogg to distribute phone numbers of entire HHS junior and senior class, music groups, tennis team. Call assigned numbers to see if DD staying there. OK to say you are reporter from Hawthorne Beacon-Times or any newspaper or large media. Offer any payment or reward you want—not necessary to actually pay anyone!

  POK over police

  We care abou
t community

  65

  Monday, May 17

  Hawthorne Beacon-Times

  Opinion

  By Cecilia Martin

  HAWTHORNE’S WARNING

  A student, one of our own, has been questioned about her possible intent to harm a very young child, and has now disappeared. Educators and parents in our community are asking themselves, How well do we know the kids we teach? How well do we know the kids we raise? And how did this situation progress so far without anyone knowing?

  Dani Solomon is an honor student, a star athlete, a promising musician, and a very popular young lady. But she fooled all of us. Because deep inside, allegedly, is someone very different. Now we are shaken by how close to tragedy our community may have come.

  Our schools need to do a much better job of finding the Dani Solomons that lurk behind an appealing facade. We can do this by conducting psychological assessments on each incoming high school student at the beginning of freshman year. We can do it by establishing a “see something, say something” policy by which all students become mandated reporters of suspicious activity by their fellow students. Complying with this policy can be tied to the school honor code. We can do it by following the lead of other communities and installing metal detectors at the entrance to each educational facility. And we can do it with periodic random locker searches. Students may complain about lack of privacy with these new measures, but who knows what tragedies may be averted?

  The life that is saved may be your own.

  Cecilia Martin is an instructor of English at Hawthorne High School.

  66

  Malcolm sets his phone ID to “unavailable.” He says he’s calling from an organization that finds missing children.

  “Is Dani Solomon staying there? You can tell me. I’m asking because I may be able to help. Well then, do you know where she might be? Did she reveal any plans to you before she left? Has she been in touch with you since Sunday?”

  But Shelley’s parents don’t let her come to the phone, and the rest of the kids he calls don’t know any more than what they read on the Internet. No one has seen her since the day her picture came out in the paper. But Malcolm imitated his dad’s tone in order to sound older, and he’s pleased that no one recognized his voice.

  67

  Text messages, Meghan and Shelley:

  “You looked distracted today, chiquita.”

  “Thinking about Dani. I got calls from a newspaper and a missing-persons bureau last night, asking me if I knew where she was. It’s all so weird, isn’t it?”

  “Just as well that she’s gone. Think of the danger you were in. She’s crazy. She could have hurt YOU!”

  “That would have bothered you?”

  “Absolutely. Don’t you think you matter to me? Sometimes I think it would have been so easy to let this school year go by without getting to know you. I’m really glad that didn’t happen.”

  68

  Voice mail on Dani’s phone:

  Beth: I don’t know why I’m leaving a message here since I have your phone, but I need to know where you are.

  Sean: She can’t hear you, Beth. Why don’t you give me the phone?

  Beth: I wish I hadn’t taken your phone. I only wanted to make sure you didn’t get in more trouble than you already got yourself in. Now I don’t even know whether you’re alive.

  Sean: Beth, she can’t hear you. Come on, give me the phone and let’s go to bed.

  Beth: I wish I hadn’t taken your phone. Why did I do that?

  69

  “I wish Dani didn’t move away,” Alex says Tuesday morning, while Mrs. Alex helps him dress for school.

  “But she did,” replies Mrs. Alex.

  “Can we send a letter to Dani and ask her to move back?”

  “We don’t need Dani. We have April now.”

  “April doesn’t like me.”

  “Of course she does.”

  “She said I was a brat.”

  “Try not to make April mad and she won’t call you names.”

  Alex knew Dani didn’t always do everything right. Sometimes she looked worried and didn’t pay enough attention to Alex, and sometimes she talked to her friend Shelley on the phone. A couple of times he couldn’t fall asleep and he called for her and it took a long while for Dani to come up because she was doing her homework.

  Mrs. Alex told Alex he had to let Dani do her homework. “Stop being selfish, Alex” was exactly what she said. Maybe that was the reason Dani moved away, because he was too selfish.

  70

  When Dani wakes she’s cold. A pink glow underlies the blue-gray sky. She brushes something from her lower leg. The short dress makes her feel vulnerable, like a snake, lizard, or weasel might slink underneath it. She pulls the blanket up to her neck and tries to sleep some more.

  Blanket. Where has this blanket come from? It’s not a sleeping bag but a definite indoor blanket. Ivory material with little flowers and gold trim, like something a mom or grandmom would have on her bed. It’s already dirty. She hadn’t heard a sound. Who got close enough to wrap a blanket around her?

  She gets up and finds a cloth supermarket bag. Inside are a ground sheet, a two-liter bottle of water, a plastic cup, a spoon, trail mix and cereal bars, a jar of peanut butter, and three apples. She looks for a note but finds none.

  Dani washes her crotch and armpits with her bottle of water. She thinks of Alex, who, despite Dani’s watchfulness, saw part of a movie in which someone was stabbed in the bathroom—was it Psycho? Or A Nightmare on Elm Street? After that he asked her to stand in the hallway and talk to him anytime he peed. He thought she was his protector. She imagines his face in the moment of her murdering him. She imagines waking him up and saying, “I’m going to kill you.” Him realizing in the last seconds of his life that he was wrong; she’s not his protector. Here in the woods she has no way to hurt Alex. That’s good. But she has no way to check on him either. If only she were in touch with Beth. She could ask her to drive past his house and see if he’s okay.

  She’ll walk around again today. Then maybe tonight the people who threw the rock will find her. Or the coyotes will come looking for her. Either way it would be for the best. Dani Solomon could run forever and she would still have the thoughts. It would be better for everyone if Dani Solomon never went back home.

  71

  Shelley finds a note in her locker:

  “I hope your day is better than yesterday.”

  It has a heart drawn at the bottom.

  72

  The Dogg House

  Sniffing Out That Babysitter

  Your blog host: Sheepdogg

  No one seems to know the whereabouts of Dani Solomon. But we all know that if someone truly wants to go missing, there is only one place in Hawthorne to hide.

  73

  Gordy gets a call on his landline from a newspaper offering to pay him for information about Dani. Then he gets a call on his cell phone that appears to be from Dani, but instead it’s Dani’s mother, asking if he has any idea who she might be staying with. “If you know where she is but you’re not allowed to tell me,” Beth asks, “at least let me know she’s safe.”

  Gordy says he’s sorry, but he doesn’t know anything. “I wish we could have met under other circumstances,” he tells Beth before she hangs up.

  74

  To: Rowdie

  From: Sheepdogg

  No breaks yet. But I suggest you try Havenswood.

  75

  Message on Dani Death’s MyFace page:

  I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO HELP YOU AND PROTECT YOU.

  PLEASE COME HOME.

  MOM

  76

  Malcolm Pinto and his father sit in front of the TV with a plate of nachos.

  “Here it comes,” says Officer Pinto. “Turn it up louder.”

  Malcolm raises the volume with the remote.

  “Oh my God, look at them all,” Pinto says. The town is holding a press conference for the Boston news
media.

  Sergeant Mason stands up first. He’s wearing his dress uniform with the blazer and hat, the same one he wears in parades.

  “Color me douche,” says Pinto. Malcolm laughs.

  “Thank you for taking the time from your busy investigative schedules”—some of the reporters laugh at that”—to be with us today. This is going to be short and sweet. Daniela Solomon has not been charged with any crime. She is not being sought in connection with any crime. Daniela Solomon is being sought as a missing person, in the interests of her own safety, not because of any involvement in a crime.” He glances at the police chief, who motions to him to sit down.

  “Lap dog,” Pinto comments. Malcolm makes a panting noise.

  Beth Solomon stands up next.

  “Whoa, BetSo is bringing it,” Pinto says. “Look at that little suit.”

  “She looks so commanding,” Malcolm agrees. “Like she’s president or something.”

  Beth glances at a prosperous-looking man beside her.

  “He must be her lawyer,” Pinto says. “Boston, probably. Big bucks there.”

  “My daughter, Daniela, has the same rights as any citizen of Hawthorne, of Massachusetts, and of the United States,” Beth begins. “If you are a parent”—she looks right into the camera”—you understand some of the pain and anxiety that Dani’s departure has caused me.”

  “Dani caused someone pain,” says Pinto. “Shocker.”

  “Dani, please come home,” Beth says, her eyes watering into the camera like she’s on a Lifetime special. “You don’t have to be afraid to come back to Hawthorne. We can work everything out. There are people who will help us. Coming home is the first step.”