Things I Shouldn't Think

by Janet Ruth Young

  “Will you push me?” asks a girl who has climbed onto the swings. She has her hair in pigtails and wears board shorts in the pattern of an American flag.

  Dani hikes her purse higher on her shoulder and helps the girl get settled. It’s been a while since Dani’s touched a child. She’d forgotten how really small they are.

  “You can push me harder if you want,” says the girl.

  Dani puts her whole arm into the push.

  “Hey, you’re strong!” the girl calls to Dani over her shoulder.

  The mother smiles at Dani before returning to her text message. “Luisa likes you,” she says.

  Dani thinks how easy it would be to knock Luisa off the swing by dope-slapping the back of her head. Or to stop the swing with one strong hand while the girl continued to fly. She imagines the mother’s look of horror, this mother who just told Dani that Luisa liked her. Dani thinks of even worse things she could do, like wrapping the chain around the child’s neck. Now, that was a weird one. That was really creative.

  “Higher! Higher!” Luisa shouts, sensing Dani’s distraction.

  Dr. Mandel stands beside Dani. “How’s your anxiety?” she asks.

  “Nine,” Dani says. “I keep coming up with new thoughts.” But not all the thoughts are getting stuck. Some of them are moving: tacking and circling and passing like the sailboats she saw in the river.

  126

  That evening Shelley gets a ton of voice mails and text messages from Meghan.

  “Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

  “Are you mad at me for something?”

  “If it’s our conversation on the handball court, I think you’re overreacting.”

  Thank God I didn’t go so far as to tell her my secret, Shelley thinks. She was not the right person to tell my secret to.

  127

  Watching TV with Ralphie that night, Shelley thinks about the time Dani tried to tell her her secret. Dani probably had other secrets to tell her too. Shelley was not the right person for Dani to tell. But she should have been, because she was supposed to be Dani’s best friend.

  128

  “How is your anxiety?” Dr. Mandel asks at the playground three days later.

  “Slightly better,” Dani says. “Six or seven. The thoughts are there. I’m having them, but”—she gropes for the words—“I feel more at peace with them.” She watches Dr. Mandel’s reaction. Was this what the doctor wanted her to feel?

  “In that case, there’s one important thing you still have to do,” says Dr. Mandel.

  “And then I can go home?”

  “No, after you go home.”

  Dani lets go of the swing. She smiles at Dr. Mandel. “What is that?” she asks.

  Dr. Mandel watches a small boy shimmy up the leg of the swing set, fall, and try again.

  “You must be at peace with Alex.”

  part 6

  HOME

  129

  Partway through Dani’s intensive therapy, she returned to the hotel to find Beth sobbing facedown on the couch.

  “What’s wrong, Mom?” she asked.

  “Dr. Mandel called,” Beth said.

  “And?”

  “She told me to stop locking my door at night. She said it wasn’t helping you, even if you asked me to do it. She said it was the wrong thing to do.”

  “And that makes you sad?” Dani asked.

  “No,” her mother said. “It makes me happy.”

  “That’s good,” said Dani, sitting beside her. “I don’t think I’ve made you happy in a while. I was starting to wonder if you wished you’d had two kids instead of one.”

  Beth patted Dani’s knee. “She explained more of her technique. I think I understand her approach now. I guess she knows what she’s doing.”

  Now they’re packing to go home. They wander in and out of each other’s rooms, returning what they borrowed.

  For Dani, getting to know Boston has been the upside of these three weeks. The downsides have been missing Gordy and dreading what life will be like when she gets back. Dani is sure Gordy will be happy to see her. Nathan too. As far as everybody else, she knows only what she’s been able to glean on the Internet. Tomorrow will be Dani’s last session, and Beth will accompany her. For the rest of the summer Dani will see Dr. Mandel once a week, taking the train from Hawthorne. She likes the idea of coming back to her favorite parks and her favorite bakery and her favorite take-out place. She feels like she belongs here now.

  130

  Beth holds Dani’s hand in Dr. Mandel’s office. Holding your mother’s hand at this age is silly but comforting at the same time. Dani supposes her mother is nervous.

  “There’s going to be homework,” Dr. Mandel begins. “The key to Dani’s recovery will be that she continue to practice what we’ve been doing once she gets home. If she stops working on the treatment, she will begin backsliding. If she stops trying altogether, she may end up where she was.”

  “I feel like I’m getting better,” Dani says. “I want to continue.”

  “What does she have to do?” her mother asks.

  “Dani needs to keep exposing herself to the people and situations that make her anxious and provoke her intrusive thoughts. She has to stay in those situations regardless of whether she has the thoughts. And she must resist performing any compulsions, such as hiding knives, locking the door between herself and another person, checking someone she may have harmed, feeling her mouth, or squeezing her hands. Eventually, with enough exposure, her anxiety will subside. Her thoughts will wax and wane, but Dani has the tools to keep them from overwhelming her.”

  “That sounds manageable,” Beth says, clutching Dani’s hand like it’s something precious. “I wish the thoughts would go away completely, but I’m glad for any improvement. You’ve been wonderful.”

  Dr. Mandel cleans her glasses. “I’m going to work with you today, Beth, on helping Dani practice at home.”

  Beth smiles. She gets out her phone to take notes.

  “The first thing you have to do is to arrange for Dani to see Alex.”

  “Alex?” Beth looks up from her phone.

  Dr. Mandel waits.

  “I don’t think we can do that,” Beth says. “I don’t think we would want to.”

  Dr. Mandel clasps her hands over her knee. “Beth, Dani can handle it. She has already spent time with other children as practice. Now it must be Alex specifically. Alex is the person who arouses the most anxiety in Dani, so Alex is the person she has to be around.”

  Beth looks crestfallen. “But I don’t see how that can work. If seeing Alex is a problem, why doesn’t she just avoid him? It wouldn’t be that difficult. I would even move to another town to reduce the chances of seeing him, if Dani would be less anxious. The only reason I’m not pursuing that is that Dani will be starting college in a year. We have only a year to get through.”

  “I know it’s weird, Mom,” Dani says. “In fact, the idea of it is making me really anxious. But Dr. Mandel has put me in some tough situations. This is just one more.” Dani didn’t tell Beth that in the final session Dr. Mandel had her hold the big knife and imagine killing Alex. She felt a twinge of worry that Beth wouldn’t understand.

  “What kind of anxiety is this bringing up for you, Dani?” Dr. Mandel asks.

  “I’m afraid that when I see Alex I’ll have thoughts of killing him again.” She starts to squeeze her hands, then stops herself.

  “Still?” Beth shuts her phone and drops her head in her hands.

  “That’s to be expected,” Dr. Mandel says.

  “Well, how would we arrange this?” Beth asks. “Would I call Alex’s mother and say, ‘My daughter wants to sit around and contemplate murdering your son’?”

  “I feel terrible, Mom. I’m sorry.” Dani starts to wonder if there’s some way she can stay in Boston and not go home.

  “No,” Dr. Mandel says. “You arrange for a supervised visit between Dani and Alex, with both you and Alex’s mom present. It
would be best if this could be several visits. And Alex’s mother should be told what the issues are and what the treatment plan is, so she can buy into it. You can invite her to see me for an explanation, if you and Dani are comfortable with that.”

  “I can’t believe what you’re asking me to do,” Beth says. “This is going to be the hardest conversation I’ve ever had.”

  “If you like, you can avoid having that conversation by having his mom call me and I will explain it to her. You have some choices as to how to bring her on board. Another option would be to have the supervised visit here in my office. The five of us would meet together.”

  “But either way,” Beth says, “you’re saying I have to tell Alex’s mother that Dani needs to see Alex. You know, in addition to this being uncomfortable for me, there’s a good chance that she’ll flat-out say no.”

  “You can do it, Mom,” Dani says. “You’re a professional salesperson. You can talk anyone into anything.” But inside she is cringing too. She still feels ashamed. She doesn’t want to face Mrs. Alex again. She would like it better if Dr. Mandel were with them to run interference.

  “Well, I’ll try,” Beth says. “I’ll try and I’ll let you know.”

  They spend the rest of the session discussing the home practices Dani will do without Alex. Then it’s time to go. Dani takes one final look at the view of Commonwealth Avenue. She feels like her world has gotten bigger here.

  131

  Beth is fixated on returning to town in the North Shore Landscaping truck. She tells Dani she’s pleased that leaving her own car at the house made people believe she and Dani were farther away than they were. Sean double-parks at the hotel and comes to find them in the lobby. At first he walks right past Dani.

  “Sorry,” he says. “I forgot about the hair.” He takes their bags and waits with Dani in the truck while Beth goes to return the rental car she’s used while in Boston.

  “Are you feeling better?” Sean asks. He looks her up and down for proof that she’s changed.

  Sean’s question sounds awkward. Most likely Beth encouraged him to ask it. Beth has always wanted Dani and Sean in a semi-stepfather/stepdaughter relationship befitting the friendship ring. But Beth doesn’t know that her pushing Sean only makes him dislike Dani more.

  Dani realizes that she has rarely had thoughts of killing Sean. The perversity of her illness caused her to have thoughts of harming mostly people she liked or loved.

  “What’s going on back home?” she says, maintaining a neutral expression.

  “No more TV trucks in town, thank God,” Sean says. “No more reporters following me and anyone else who knows you around the supermarket or the gas station. I actually went to a movie last night. But I wish your mother had joined me. I’m looking forward to having her back again.”

  “What did you see?” Dani forces herself to ask.

  “Some animated thing,” he mutters. Clearly this was not the question he had wanted her to ask.

  Sean makes a noise in his throat. “You know,” he begins again, “I’ve been thinking of asking your mother to marry me.”

  “You’ve been considering that for a while, haven’t you?” Dani asks.

  “Actually we put an engagement on the back burner because she’s been so occupied with you.”

  Dani hears the unspoken phrase “and your problems.” It bugs her that Sean seems to be using her as an excuse. “You should be thanking me instead,” she says.

  Sean is startled. He looks up the street to see if Beth is coming.

  “You could thank me for making it possible for you to delay marrying my mom. If she knew how long this was going to take, she might have looked around for someone else.”

  “We’ll at least wait until you’re off to college,” Sean says. He grimaces and wiggles his head like he’s withholding the rest: if you don’t screw it all up between now and then.

  Dani doesn’t take the bait.

  “Anyway,” Sean continues, “Beth says you’re coming back to Boston once a week. Please don’t talk her into buying you any more clothes or anything. She’s spending a bundle on the lawyer as it is.”

  “Well, you know what? The lawyer is just a technicality.” Dani rolls down her window. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “Not yet.”

  “Not yet? What’s that supposed to mean?” Dani knows exactly what it means, but she doesn’t argue. She realizes that just as Sean should thank her for helping him remain single, she should thank Sean for offending her. It makes her realize that even though her mind doesn’t work perfectly, she’s still entitled to basic human decency.

  “Beth would kill me for saying that,” Sean mutters, watching the traffic. “You know, I can’t imagine what it’s like to have . . . to go through something like what you’re going through. It must be tough to even get up in the morning if your brain is all messed up.”

  Dani tries to accept that this is Sean’s attempt at an apology, but she can’t resist comparing him to her dad, who made her feel like she was the coolest, cleverest, and most athletic daughter in the universe . . . right up until the day he left. At first she didn’t realize what would change when her father divorced her mom. Then she found out it meant that he was divorcing both of them.

  “Listen, Sean,” Dani says. “I need you to do something. My treatment isn’t over yet, and my mom and I still have rough times ahead. We need people we can really rely on. So think about whether you can be that person. If you’re going to be into my mother, be really into her.”

  Beth is at the hotel door.

  “Here we are, darling,” Sean calls.

  132

  Shelley and Meghan return to practice at the handball court. Meghan has no aptitude for tennis, but she’s determined to give it another shot. Say what you will about Meghan, she believes in herself and she keeps bouncing back. She’s what Mr. Gabler calls “a trouper.”

  “Sam called me last night,” Meghan announces.

  “Sam?”

  “My ex-boyfriend, the singer-songwriter. He wants to see me over the summer.”

  “Is he coming up here?” Shelley asks. “Maybe a bunch of us can go to a concert or something.”

  “No, we talked about my going back to Pennsylvania for a while. I called a couple of my girlfriends too. I’ll probably go back to visit for six weeks.”

  Six weeks? Shelley has a dropping feeling, like her feet and knees are turning numb. “Are you getting back together with him? I guess the prospect of somebody writing songs for you must be pretty appealing.”

  “Not getting back together, per se,” Meghan says, hitting her return over the wall. “But we want to see whether there’s anything there.”

  Shelley runs after Meghan’s stray ball so that Meghan won’t see her expression. In the past few days she’s come to accept that Meghan won’t be her first real girlfriend. But she had looked forward to hanging out with her all summer anyway. Now that won’t happen either.

  You have to be a trouper, Shelley tells herself. You have to bounce back too. Look at you this last month, having to be your own best friend. Look at everything you’ve done. This is the closest you’ve come to having someone of your own. I think that’s brave. You’re getting somewhere. You’re making progress. A year from now you’ll be starting college. It will be easier then.

  133

  Dani goes for a run, trading her coastal roads for an inland route where no one will expect her. It would be better to run in a pack, but she doesn’t have a pack to run in.

  As she starts to feel a pleasant burn in her calves and quads, she turns onto a street with no houses, mostly small industries like a gravel company, a tool-and-die place, and auto-repair shops. She remembers how great it had been to run along the Charles, feeling like part of a huge exercising body with the river as its artery. In English class Ms. Martin once assigned the memoir of a gay man who moved from a small farming town to the East Village in New York City. Dani had loved that book. Her three weeks in B
oston made her understand how people can lose themselves in the anonymity of a city. It must be one of the best ways of starting over.

  A car pulls beside Dani and honks. Dani looks for a side street to escape down. She’s ready for something to be yelled at her or thrown at her.

  “It’s all right,” the driver says. “I’m a supporter.”

  “Oh!” She never expected that. “Thank you.” She wipes her face with the back of her arm.

  “You’re Dani. The girl in the newspapers.”

  “That’s right.”

  “You changed your hair.”

  He’s a youngish guy in a suit, a business guy. He has a nice car, an Audi.

  “Do you have a minute?” he asks.

  “I guess,” she says.

  “Because I think you and I are two of a kind.”

  “What do you mean?” Dani asks, leaning in the window and moving her feet to keep her heart rate up.

  He begins a story about when he was in junior high, a horrendous story involving a neighbor’s pet cat and some power tools. At first Dani doesn’t get what he’s saying, because of the pleasant look on his face. “You’re my kind of person,” he says.

  “I’m not your kind of person,” she says, moving away.

  “I have a couple more stories like that,” he continues. “Would you like to hear them?”

  “Let me go,” Dani says, even though the driver hasn’t confined her in any way. The nearest side street has a dead end. She sprints across the yard of a business selling concrete fountains and benches, steps on a bench to vault over the chain-link fence, and runs out of sight of the driver. But she can’t run away from the thought that he recognized something in her. That even despite Dr. Mandel’s help, deep inside she is like him; they could be two of a kind. It’s a relief to meet someone whose thoughts are uglier than hers.