Things I Shouldn't Think

by Janet Ruth Young

  134

  When Dani gets home Sean isn’t there. She and her mother have baked fish and a big salad for dinner. Dani doesn’t tell Beth what happened on her run. It would only make Beth worry, and Dani would be under house arrest again. She’ll get Gordy to run with her next time.

  “We need to talk about senior year,” Beth says. “If you want, you can finish high school somewhere else. Do you want to try a private school? It’s late in the game, but we may be able to call in a few favors.”

  Dani pours blue cheese dressing over her salad. Unlike her mother, she has never been on a diet.

  “I don’t know,” she replies. “I guess I’m hoping to finish here. My friends are here, after all. And you. You’re here.”

  “You could go to school in the city if you want,” Beth answers. “You could even live there. We’ll see.”

  Dani takes a slice of warm bread from the basket on the table.

  “We have a meeting with the lawyer tomorrow at four,” Beth tells her.

  “What do you think he’ll say?”

  “That we have a shot at a lawsuit. Against the newspaper if not the police department.”

  Dani skates a piece of lettuce in the pool of dressing on her plate. “I thought we were seeing Alex tomorrow. Mom, have you even made plans with Mrs. Alex yet?”

  “No.” Beth crinkles her face as if this is something she forgot.

  “You have to, Mom. I need to see Alex so I can get better.”

  “I know, Dani. I just . . . I don’t know what to say. What do you say in a situation like this? Actually, I’m wondering if the lawyer will tell us that’s a bad idea. Can’t Dr. Mandel come up with a different form of treatment?”

  “You have to call Mrs. Alex, Mom. Or get Dr. Mandel to do it. She says we have to keep moving forward.”

  “I know, I know. I’ll call her tomorrow morning. We’ll see her first, even if only for fifteen minutes, before we go to the lawyer. A quick hello to get the ball rolling. I’ll try to set something up for three o’clock.”

  “You’re really going to call?”

  “I am. It’s as good as done.”

  Dani feels anxious when she goes to bed. She’s missed Alex, but she dreads the thoughts she’ll have when she’s in the same room with him. Be strong, she tells herself. The only way out is through.

  135

  “Have you called Mrs. Alex?” Dani asks her mom at breakfast the next morning. “Are we meeting her at three?”

  “I’ll call her as soon as I get to the office,” Beth says. She grabs her phone and keys and heads to her morning appointments.

  136

  “You don’t want to run along the water?” Gordy says after he hugs Dani for a long time.

  “I don’t want to be recognized,” Dani says.

  “I like your hair like that, by the way. You look sort of French.” They start on a different inland route, past the town green and the colonial cemetery.

  “You know,” Gordy continues, “nobody’s going to bother you if you’re with me. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

  Dani smiles. Gordy wants to protect her. But what does he really know about people wanting to hurt one another? She doesn’t tell him about the Audi guy because he would be too upset.

  She remembers reading about women who have been raped and how they never wanted to have sex with their husbands again. Some husbands didn’t understand, and they ended up divorcing their wives and finding someone else. After what she’s been through, she and Gordy might be like those people. What can they do to keep from drifting apart?

  Her thoughts wander to later this afternoon and what it will be like seeing Alex after all this time. She’s nervous about seeing him, but she’s afraid to see Mrs. Alex. Of all the people in town, she dreads Mrs. Alex the most.

  137

  Beth Solomon looks at her phone. It’s one o’clock already and she still hasn’t made the call. She didn’t lie to Dani about calling; she fully intended to see Alex and Mrs. Alex. However, she just can’t bring herself to call Mrs. Alex. She has called plenty of people in her life. She’s made many calls that took a lot of guts. She’s given people bad news of all kinds, in business and otherwise. But this has to be the hardest call she’s ever been required to make.

  The fact is that she’s ashamed to call Mrs. Alex. When Dr. Mandel suggested it she cringed, and ever since they left Boston the necessity of the call has hung over her head like a punishment. Every aspect of this phone call makes her run from it. As a mother, she has to call another mother whose child has been threatened. She has to suggest that this mother put her child in jeopardy again. And even if Dani is no danger to anyone, her problems all must point to Beth in some way. She has not seen or spoken to Cynthia since the incident, and she knows what Cynthia must think of her. But Beth has never had to find out in person. Maybe Dani is getting better, and will continue to get better. But the bottom line is that Beth feels utterly ashamed, and she is unable to look Mrs. Alex in the eye.

  She needs to call Dani, and Dr. Mandel if necessary, and ask for more time.

  138

  Dani and Gordy stop in a weird little mom-and-pop store for an ice cream soda.

  “Geez,” Dani says, “this is like the store that time forgot. Who comes in here?”

  “Just people looking for cigarettes and porn,” Gordy says. “I’m sorry, that was crude.”

  They sit at the counter on two sticky stools. “It isn’t Icey’s,” Gordy says, “but it is ice cream.”

  “I’ve never had bad ice cream, have you?” Dani asks.

  “There’s no such thing,” Gordy agrees. “You’ll be back at Icey’s soon. You’ll be back everywhere soon, when people realize you’re still the kind, beautiful, sensitive, awesome girl they always thought you were. And I’m going to buy you the biggest ice cream at Icey’s to celebrate.”

  “The Kitchen Sink Sundae?”

  “Yep. It’s got like twenty-eight scoops of ice cream in it.”

  “And it costs about fifty bucks.”

  “So what? We’ll each have one.” He gives her a cold peck on the cheek. “I’m just glad to have you back.”

  Dani grabs his arm and looks at his watch. “My God, it’s two thirty already. I’ve gotta go. I’ve got an appointment.”

  “Not with your other boyfriend, I hope?”

  Gordy’s playfulness is annoying. He has no idea about the kind of attention she’s gotten from men since the newspaper article. Not just that Audi driver. Lately her MyFace account has received numerous love letters, two nude male photos, and one marriage proposal. One person even wrote to her mom to see if an introduction could be arranged. It was hideous, absolutely hideous, the kind of people who thought they deserved her.

  “Run again tomorrow?” Dani asks Gordy. “In the morning. Let’s try somewhere out of town.”

  She jogs toward Alex’s. It will be great to see him and to know that she doesn’t have to worry anymore. It will be like starting over. But it will be weird and uncomfortable too. She hopes making the phone call wasn’t too awful for Mom.

  139

  Beth has been trying to call Dani. She stops at the house and sees that Dani left her phone at home.

  140

  Alex is the first to answer the door.

  “It’s her, Mom!” he yells. He pumps his fist. “Ye-es!

  “You didn’t move away?” he asks Dani. “Or did you move away and then move here?”

  “I was away temporarily,” Dani says. “For a few weeks.” She’d love to hug Alex, but she stays several feet away on the front step.

  Mrs. Alex comes to the door with her busy face on.

  “I’m sorry I’m all sweaty,” Dani says.

  At first Mrs. Alex doesn’t recognize Dani. Then it’s as if a metal security gate clamps down from the ceiling. She swoops Alex onto her shoulder.

  “Put me down! Put me down! I can’t see!” Alex kicks his feet and twists around to face Dani. Mrs. Alex slides him onto the floor b
ehind her and partly closes the door.

  “How is your treatment going?” Mrs. Alex asks.

  “Pretty well. My mom should be here in a few minutes.”

  Mrs. Alex looks confused. “Your mom?”

  “Didn’t she call you?”

  Mrs. Alex stands up straight, like she’s made of armor. “No. You mean recently? No.”

  Dani spins around on her heel. “Shoot!” she says. “Oh, Mom.” She feels like cursing Beth out, not in an OCD way but in a regular teenage way, for putting her in this position. “She was supposed to call you about, you know, what happened, and figuring everything out . . .” Dani realizes she should be using better language for this. She should be using the words Dr. Mandel used. “Oh God, I don’t even have my phone!”

  “You changed your hair,” Mrs. Alex observes.

  “I had to.”

  “I hate April,” Alex says, from behind the door. “She hogs the computer.”

  “That’s too bad,” Dani says. “I should go.”

  “No, wait,” Mrs. Alex says. “Do you want me to call Beth? I’ll see if she wants to get together like you expected. It’ll just take a minute.”

  “That would be great,” Dani says. “If this is an okay time.” She can’t believe Mrs. Alex is being so helpful. Dani feels the way Layla Amundsen must have felt. She’s being more open with people and they’re helping. They’re listening.

  “Come on in,” Mrs. Alex says. “Why don’t you wait in Alex’s room?”

  Mrs. Alex seems uncomfortable with the idea of Dani and Beth being here, but Dani expected that. Like Beth said, it’s going to be awkward at first. But they all need to get re-exposed to one another. Then, just like in Dr. Mandel’s office, the anxiety level will start going down. Cynthia steps outside, clutching Alex.

  “Let me go,” Alex says. “I want to go upstairs with Dani.”

  Dani walks through the messy living room, up the familiar carpeted stairs, and into Alex’s room. His bed with the Spider-Man sheets is unmade, so she straightens the sheets and comforter. Too bad about April. Dani had never been a computer hog. She had allowed Alex to do pretty much whatever he wanted. The therapist here in Hawthorne, Dr. Kumar, had tried to suggest that Dani had allowed Alex to walk all over her and that had made her angry. But even now she isn’t sure she would do it differently. So she’s a pushover when it comes to little kids. How can you fight your own nature?

  Dani slips off her sneakers and rubs her feet, the same way Mrs. Alex used to. The sandals she wore in the city looked great but they did a job on her skin. She hears a car pull up in front of the house and another one leave. Is Beth here already? The sound of someone digging in a drawer downstairs. Was Mrs. Alex missing her keys again? The front door opens and closes, and she hears steps on the carpeted stairs. The bedroom door opens, and someone steps inside. It’s Malcolm Pinto, but Dani barely recognizes him. In a tidy blue shirt and pants, he looks like a cross between a mall security guard and an evangelist.

  “Hey, Malcolm. What are you doing here?” Dani asks, still rubbing her feet.

  “Hey, Dani.” Malcolm closes the door behind him. He’s carrying a backpack made of camouflage material.

  “Are you babysitting now?” Dani asks him. “I thought they hired someone named April.”

  “No, I’m not babysitting. I’m not the babysitter. You’re the Babysitter.” He’s looking at her so intently that it confirms what she has sometimes suspected, that he has a crush on her. The prospect is not very appealing.

  “Who let you in?” Dani asks. “Mrs. Draper and I were going to have a talk with my mom.”

  “Mrs. Draper drove away. Didn’t you hear the car?”

  “Well, why are you here? You’re making me uncomfortable.” She tugs her sneakers back on, contemplates making some flimsy excuse and going back downstairs. Maybe she’ll wait for Beth in the living room.

  “It’s about to get a lot more uncomfortable,” Malcolm says. He hovers in his usual way, like a string bean on a vine, with his pack over one shoulder and his hands in his back pockets. She wonders if he might be stoned. He smiles with that annoying look he has on the quad, as if he can sort all the girls into this type and that type. She wonders if he’s rocking the usual tobacco fleck between his teeth.

  “What are you talking about?” Dani stands up, allowing the irritation to show in her voice.

  “This is what I’m talking about.” He takes a piece of paper from his pack. It reads:

  PROTECT OUR KIDS

  “Hold it up,” he says.

  “You’re involved with POK?” Dani asks. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, Malcolm.”

  He digs into his pack for a piece of tape and sticks the paper to her T-shirt.

  “Hey, keep away from me.” She tears off the sign, but he’s taking her picture with his phone.

  “Are you going to sell that to someone?” Dani asks, trying to grab the phone out of his hands. “Is that what you want? All the lowlifes are coming out of the woodwork. Get out of my way.”

  “Not this time, Dani,” Malcolm says. He pockets the phone and pulls a pair of handcuffs from his bag. “My dad wasn’t allowed to do the job. But somebody has to.”

  He tries to grab her wrists, but Dani’s too fast for him. He laughs, shakes his head like an indulgent parent, and pulls something else from his pack—a black handle with a glinting blade. Could it be Cynthia’s kitchen knife, the knife? Was that the clatter Dani heard downstairs?

  “Looks familiar, doesn’t it?” Malcolm says. “Now are you ready to cooperate?”

  “Wait, Malcolm,” Dani whispers.

  “What?”

  “Please make sure Alex won’t hear.”

  “He’s gone. He left with Mrs. Draper. I saw them.”

  “Are you sure? I’m not so sure. Maybe Mrs. Draper left by herself. Please make sure he isn’t anywhere in the house. You wouldn’t want him to hear. He’s just a little kid, Malcolm.”

  Malcolm looks confused. He glances at the bedroom door, and in that moment Dani lunges at the floor and grabs the junior racket she bought for Alex. Gripping it with her two-fisted back hand, she whacks the edge into the side of Malcolm’s neck, aiming for an artery.

  “Where—,” he says, and slumps on the bed.

  Dani spreads her feet, improving her stance.

  “I’m sorry, Malcolm,” she says, and whacks him again, this time on the back of the head.

  Later, when the police arrive, after Dani calls them herself to tell them she hit Malcolm, when Michael Pinto walks into the room and yells “Malky!” and Dani apologizes to him and Malcolm over and over again, Dani will feel grateful that Mrs. Alex wasn’t too neat around the house. Because if she had been in the habit of putting things away, the tennis racket may not have been exactly where Dani left it, and Dani would be in much worse trouble now.

  epilogue

  141

  Tuesday, June 15

  Hawthorne Beacon-Times

  Opinion

  By Shelley Dietrich

  WHO CAN YOU TELL YOUR SECRETS TO?

  A friend once wanted to tell me a secret. The friend was Dani Solomon, and although I didn’t realize it, she was asking me for help. She had a problem with her mind. That was her secret, and that was what she needed to tell me. The problem wasn’t obvious, and no one else knew. She was trusting me with something delicate, a delicate situation.

  I was busy and preoccupied. I didn’t see what she was trying to tell me, and when I did pay attention I turned it into something else. I didn’t realize that the essence of who my friend was would never change. I didn’t realize how much I would miss her, even with that problem.

  What is bothering me today is that I didn’t listen to Dani, and I didn’t respect Dani’s secret. When people started talking about Dani, I did too. We get so much training in school about watching out for people who might be dangerous. I told myself that, by believing what people said and discussing Dani’s secret, I was protecting others.

&nbs
p; I also told Dani a secret. I’m pretty sure she kept my secret. It was a big one, but possibly not as painful as what she had to carry.

  If there is anyone who can be trusted with your secrets, it would have to be your best friend. Now, partly because of what I did and didn’t do, I’m starting the summer without my best friend. This year Dani and I will not be going to the beach, driving my mother’s car along the back shore singing at the top of our lungs, or reading magazines with our feet stuck in my brother Ralphie’s pool.

  Who can you tell your secrets to, Dani? Try your best friend. Try giving me another chance.

  Shelley Dietrich is a junior at Hawthorne High School.

  142

  Wednesday, June 16

  National Envestigator News

  BACK TO SCHOOL FOR SICKO SITTER

  Disturbed Teen Returns as Cops Grumble

  143

  Dani and Shelley sit in the courtyard with their dips. It’s the last week of classes, and Dani wants to prepare for finals. Media trucks line the main road near school but they can’t come onto school property. Dani found the words Baby Killer on her locker. A few people yelled “Sicko!” “Whack job!” and “Headcase!” One imitated a child screaming. All morning kids have taken photos and videos of her and sent them God knows where. Two kids yelled “Way to go!” and gave her the thumbs-up as she walked by. Dani doesn’t know if that means they like dark hair or if they believe in child-killing or if they enjoyed the entertainment of the past few weeks.

  But no one can touch Dani, because Shelley is acting as her bodyguard, walking Dani to all her classes. In music group both Gordon and Nathan hovered protectively until they saw Shelley had it covered. Mr. Gabler shook her hand and didn’t can her for missing the last concert. Meghan screamed and hugged Dani, as if Dani was a childhood friend from Pennsylvania.