THE TROUBLE WITH KISSING YOU

by Gen Phan

  "It's so cute that you guys are dating again." She flashed us both an icy smile that could refreeze the melting icebergs. Why was she like this?

  I grabbed a grinning- from- ear- to -ear Jarrod by the arm and rushed out.

  Chapter 14 - Mike

  Brett had a thing for silent black and white movies. He's a total geek that way, he even has a silent movie club at school...it only has members. Sometimes I'll catch him with his iphone just filming the stuff around him. He's been doing it for about two years now, I often wonder what the hell he's doing with the footage- especially when I caught him filming Maria and I, which is pretty often. He's always talking about making the next great black and white movie.

  So when I'd asked him to bring some entertainment for the night, I should have guessed he would have brought a whole bunch of them. 'Romantic' he'd said. 'Will get everyone into the mood'.

  "What mood?" I asked.

  "You know, the kind of mood where the mystery kisser confesses her undying love for you. If she's here, that is." Brett looked at me strangely and pointedly, as if he was teasing me...did he know who she was? Was it-

  "Brenna?" I asked.

  The mere thought shocked the shit out of me. Not to mention the fact it would be pretty damn awkward, especially since they're so close. They were born months apart and have always been attached to each other like twins, more so than Maria and her real twin.

  But Brett just smiled at me. "It's soooo not her. Trust me. Honestly, she's not exactly your biggest fan.

  "Why?" I was surprised.

  "You're not exactly her type. Blonde, pretty boy. She's into dark, twisty poetry guys that piss my mother and father off... you know... the kind I want to hit over the head with something hard. Not that I can hit... and not that I don't want to hit you either sometimes for being such an idiot."

  But Brett was still smiling at me suspiciously and I still got the feeling that he wasn't telling me the whole truth.

  "Do you know who it is?"

  He shook his head again, but the smile lingered.

  "Oh My God. You know?"

  He shrugged teasingly, "Maybe you just need to open your eyes a little wider."

  "What the hell does that mean?" I wasn't sure whether he was teasing me for the sake of it, or whether he knew something.

  I grabbed his shoulders, " If you know who it is, you have to tell me."

  "Not a chance in hell."

  "Fuck man, tell me. Please. I need to know." My heart was beating harder and faster with the possibility that Brett might actually know.

  "Nope."

  "Why you're being like this? If I were in your position I would tell you! What the fuck?'

  "Hey. Chill. I didn't say I knew who it was. I don't know who it is, I just said you need to open your eyes. Starting right now...." He trailed off for a second before stepping forward to greet Maria who had just walked through the front door.

  "Maria. Beyatch." The two hugged each other. "Shorty, you look smoking tonight. Yo, Yo!"

  Maria laughed loudly. Brett had been listening to hip-hop lately- he was 'trying to broaden his musical sphere'. It's a weird combo, silent movies and Snoop Dog Puma Lion, or whatever his name is at the moment.

  "Hey." She turned to me with a small semi smile. She looked different tonight.

  "Give us a spin around," Brett said taking her hand and making her walk around in a circle.

  On seconds though, she looked very different tonight. She'd put make-up on and was wearing.....

  I almost did an actual double take. I'd never seen her in a top like that, she looked totally different... she looked...??.

  "Did you dress like this for me ho?" Brett did some kind of hand gesture which I think was meant to represent the West coast, or something. Maria didn't laugh this time though; instead she suddenly looked really self-conscious. She slipped on an old brown cardigan that she was carrying, even though it was hot and buttoned it right up to the top.

  "You wish!" She smacked Brett and then I noticed him. Not sure why I hadn't seen him before, I'd just been so focused on Maria.

  "You guys remember Jarrod, right?" Maria gestured to him with her hand.

  "Hey!" Jarrod gave a halfhearted nod and a smile that looked way too self satisfied for my liking.

  Why was he smiling like the cat that got the cream the butter and all the other dairy products from the fridge.

  I didn't like it. One little bit. Then something very confusing happened, he sort of took a step closer to Maria. Too close.

  What was going on? Where they... but they couldn't.... could they?

  "Well, we're gonna go inside," Maria said, barely making eye contact with me before walking off with Jarrod.

  Brett turned to me and whispered "Did you know she had such a rack on her?"

  "What?... What the fuck?" He'd never spoken about Maria like that before. "Don't be a dick. You can't say that about her. That's not cool... alright?" I started stumbling over my words, and was suddenly overcome with a feeling that I wanted to deck him. And I wanted to deck Jarrod too.

  "Don't ever talk about her like that again, you hear me." I was in his face now.

  Brett held his hands up in the air looking somewhat amused. As if he was trying to needle me, as if he was waiting for a certain response.

  "Why you getting so touchy about it?" He asked.

  "Did you know she was bringing Jarrod?"

  Brett shrugged. "No. But it's a free world."

  "Are they, having a thing....has she said anything to you about him, I mean..."

  "Why do you care so much who she dates?" Brett said with a strange tone and still that smile across his face.

  But there was nothing funny about this. "What! Are they dating?" I think I almost shouted the words out in shock.

  "I don't know. But what if they are? He's a nice guy."

  "No he's not. He's a total weirdo, and Maria's far too good for him. Way too good for him."

  "So who should Maria date then?" He asked me, the smile gone now.

  For some reason the question caught me off guard. I'd never thought about Maria dating before. She never really dated. I scanned my mind and quickly came to the conclusion that there wasn't one guy at school that was good enough for her. And if any of my friends ever tried, I would have to step in.

  "She deserves much more than Jarrod." I finally said softly, not sure why this was spinning me out so hectically.

  Brett took a step forward and laid a hand on my shoulder and then squeezed. Hard. It must have taken all his strength.

  "She does deserve better Mike. She does." He stared at me pointedly, but before I could ask what he meant by statement, someone called out.

  "Hey Mike." Brenna greeted me with a tentative hug and Brett shot her a disapproving look. I knew what it meant...strictly off limits.

  She turned to her friends and started introducing them. I was struck by how different they all were. For starters, they all had brown hair. All the girls at our school seemed to be blonde, naturally and unnaturally. They were dressed stylishly, their clothes looked expensive and if we were in France, you could probably say 'chic'. They looked like they were ready to walk into a boardroom and start dropping facts and figures about the state of the economy. They were all hot though, but in a totally different way.

  "This is Claire, Mich and KC," they all gave me slight waves and hellos.

  "Well come in ladies," Brett said formally, leading the way to the downstairs games room.

  I walked passed the kitchen and my mom suddenly attacked me with a giant snack platter. I hadn't even seen her there. It was as if she'd just come out of thin air.

  "I thought you guys might get hungry." She placed the platter in my hands with an enthusiastic smile, winked at me and then disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.

  She'd been acting weird all day. Maybe this was going to be her new thing? Guilty, divorced overcompensating mother. My dad wasn't here tonight. The thought punched me in the stomach and
I felt a sudden stab of panic wondering where he was and what he was doing? Was he ever coming home again? I pushed the thought as far out of my mind as I could and walked downstairs.

  I'd set the games room up a few years ago with my dad... another stab in my stomach. He was everywhere. It had a couch in it, a beanbag, a pool table that my dad loved, as well as a TV and video games. I looked around for Maria, but she wasn't there. Jarrod was there though, he seemed to have made a bee line for the TV games, I'd heard he was some kind of enthusiastic gamer.

  I walked back upstairs calling her name, but nothing. Where the hell was she? I walked upstairs to my bedroom in case she had decided to bail on me and was hiding in my cupboard, but she wasn't there either. And then I looked out the window.

  She was standing in the garden under the tree that separated my house from hers. I watched her for a moment or two and wondered what she was thinking. She looked deep in thought.

  "Maria." I called out as I climbed out my window and down the trellis. She turned and looked at me. Something about the way she looked tonight stopped me dead in my tracks. It looked like her, but not. She looked so different tonight.

  "What's up?" I walked right up to her.

  "Nothing. Just don't feel that well."

  "What's wrong?" I eyed her up and down. She didn't look sick. On the contrary, she looked better than I'd ever seen her look before. Her cheeks were pink, her lips shined a bit and her eyes looked bigger somehow.

  She shrugged, "Have a headache. I think I'm going to go home."

  "No. You can't. I need my wing girl."

  "Mike..." She shook her head and her words tapered off and I realized I was being a selfish prick.

  "Shame. You're right. Go home and take some headache tabs. I'll call you later to check up on you."

  "Maria." We both turned as Jarrod walked towards us. "I didn't realize the party had moved outside." He flashed me a look that was vaguely combative. Like he was tying to make it clear that Maria was his property. I didn't like that. I didn't like him.

  "Maria's not feeling great. Head ache." I said with a deliberate sour edge to my voice. I hoped he wasn't as thick as he looked and had the ability to pick up on hints.

  He did. He shot me another mucho-ass look and slid an arm around Maria's shoulder. I really, really didn't like that.

  "Do you want to go?" Jarrod asked Maria. I mentally rolled my eyes, I knew there was no way that Maria was going to just leave-

  But she nodded.

  What the F? She nodded and then turned, barley saying goodbye to me, and walked off across the grass with Jarrod. An unfamiliar feeling rushed over me and it caused my stomach to plummet, or something dramatic like that. I couldn't believe she was just leaving. Leaving.

  And then a thought hit me, had she just made up that headache thing so she could leave the party and have some 'alone-time' with Jarrod?

  I felt a little sick.

  Maria

  MARIA

  I just couldn't!

  I couldn't be there and watch him perving over those other girls; looking at them all and wondering which one had kissed him. And I certainly couldn't stay there after Brett had made such a big deal about what I was wearing. In that moment I'd wanted to fucking disappear. I was never dressing like that again. Ever! It had made me feel so naked. I've always been self conscious, I have no idea why, maybe it's because MacKenzie has enough self confidence for both of us, make that enough for the entire female population of our high school. I was quite happy to leave that kind of dressing up to her and stick to my lame, baggy shirts.

  After sitting for an hour or so with Jarrod in my lounge and hearing about this invisible secret part of the internet called the dark web – a place you can hire hit men if you wanted to- I said and awkward goodbye to him. I think he might have been expecting a kiss, or maybe a hug that lingered longer than I had let it. He wasn't' a bad guy. In fact, he was interesting and certainly kind and considerate, unlike half the other guys I knew. But I knew that I would never like him in that way. When I compared him to Mike, which is what I did with everyone, he didn't even come close. No one would come close, and that was the problem.

  Once he'd gone I walked into my room and immediately changed, putting my Burmuda shirt back on. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at this version of myself that I didn't particularly like. I'd never tried to be anything but myself, but as I stared at my lash smudged mascara, my pink cheeks and the tiny remains of sticky lip gloss stuck in the corners of my mouth, I didn't like what I saw. I grabbed a handful of tissues and spat into them and started wiping the make-up off my face. Unladylike, I know but I didn't have any fancy remover stuff. I made sure to ruffle my hair until it looked rebellious and unruly as hell.

  I stared at my shirt and wished I was there, under the palms and the sunset. I wished I was anywhere else right now. Everything felt like it was closing in on me at the moment. The thing I could always rely on for stability, felt shaky. Mike.

  Our relationship had always been the one constant in my life. The one thing that never changed, the one thing I could always lean on for support, but lately, it was different. He was different and so was I.

  For starters I'd never lied to him before and it was killing me. And secondly, he seemed so preoccupied with this hunt for the mystery kisser that he was distant. And the more distant and obsessed he became, the further away he seemed to slip through my fingers, not that he was ever in them, but any possibility seemed to be dying a fast death. My stomached knotted. I hoped that this wasn't something that was going to end so badly that it would just fuck up our relationship. I needed to distract myself, so I sat down at my computer and flipped it open.

  I'd kind of planned this trip around the world after school. I'd already told my parents that I wanted to take a gap year before college. My mother had freaked out, obviously, but my dad had thought it was a good idea, which hadn't surprised me. Under that suit and tie he's a wild one.

  When my grandparents had died they'd left my sister and I some money and unlike Mckenzie, I'd invested mine and it had grown enough that it would cover my travel plans for a whole year. At one stage Mike and I had talked about going together, but that felt completely off the cards now. Besides, he was probably going to win the tennis tournament next week and get some fancy scholarship to a university out of state and go on to become some hot famous tennis player.

  The only thing that had stopped me from actually booking the trip had been Mike, but after tonight, after all that has happened this week, I think it's time. Maybe I needed some time away from him. Instead of living with the daily torture of having my heart broken over and over again- and he doesn't even know that he's doing it. Not to mention that fact that I'm basically closing myself off to any other relationship that might come my way. What was I going to be? Thirty and without a partner because I've been hopelessly waiting for Mike my entire life?

  I opened my travel folder and added Bermuda to the list of countries I now want to visit. The proposed trip started in South America and then I wanted to go Europe, but with the addition of Bermuda, I needed to sit down and replan my route. And then I needed to book it, it was going to take a lot of planning to book all the flights, the train trips around Europe and make a list of all the things I wanted to see.

  My heart simultaneously soared and snapped at the thought. I'd always wanted to leave this sterile place behind and travel the world, but it snapped at the thought of...

  A year. It's a long time. A lot can happen. By then Mike might have found some amazing, beautiful girl. But maybe, and this is what I was hoping for, maybe after a year of absence I could finally cure myself of this Mike obsession. Maybe in a year's time he would just be a distant memory, the guy I once hung out with and loved.

  I spent a few hours planning my new route, doing some more research on South America and listing the places I wanted to see. I wanted to do the Inca trail, I wanted to explore the Amazon, I wanted to see the salt flats in Bolivia and I w
anted to see the carnival in Brazil. And as for Europe, I wanted to see it all. I wanted to stand and look at the Aegean sea, walk the cobbled streets of Italy, ride a gondola in Venice, walk through the lavender fields of Tuscany and go on the famous Dracula tour through Romania.

  I closed my computer and felt tired and I think the second my head hit the pillow I passed out.

  **

  I woke up the next morning to at least five messages from Mike and one from Jarrod. I looked at the message from Jarrod and opened it tentatively hoping it wasn't whats I suspected it might be.

  Hope you feeling better. Last night was fun. X

  Fuck, I was clearly giving him the wrong idea? I'd said friends. I'd said it, but I know what it's like, you always hear what you want to hear, and discard the rest.

  Shit! I looked at Mikes five messages but decided not to read them. This morning I felt pissed off with him. Genuinely pissed off, which was a very unfamiliar feeling. Besides, I couldn't risk one of the messages telling me how he had met the girl of his dreams last night and wanted to marry her and have thousands of babies and sex all day long. I managed to make my way down to breakfast, where as usual, I was greeted by some sloppy crap that looked and smelt like wet soil. My dad wondered down and took one look at it and turned to me.

  "Maria. Come, we're going out for breakfast," My mother and sister, who were both guzzling the slush, shot us some rather disapproving looks, as my father and I exited. We did this from time to time, drove out to the pancake and waffle place and shoveled sugar into our faces until we felt sick.

  My dad threw me the car keys and asked me if I want to drive? I had never drive his car before, it was just way too intimidating. A large, flashy, sporty Porsche that I was scared would fly the second I touched the accelerator. I looked at him tentatively.

  "Come on. We'll put the top down and get the wind through our hair." I climbed in, made sure to strap on my seat belt and started the creature. It roared to life with the kind of sound that seemed to make the molecules in the air vibrate. As soon as I'd put my foot on the accelerator the car jumped forward at an unbelievable speed. It did feel rather exhilarating though.