THE TROUBLE WITH KISSING YOU

by Gen Phan

The kiss stopped and we just held onto each other for the longest time. My face against into hers. I closed my eyes, taking in all the detail of this moment, until I felt moisture on my face. I pulled away and looked at her. She was crying softly. Her eyes misty and the tears running down her cheeks.

  My heart stopped. My stomach hurt as the worse feeling imaginable slammed into me. I sat up abruptly.

  "Maria, what's wrong? What's going on?"

  Maria

  I lay there looking up at the small faint stars popping out of the darkening sky, feeling the weight of Mikes head on my chest. This moment was so perfect. It couldn't be more perfect if I had planned it myself. It was as if, in this moment, a forever-dream had just come true.

  A dream that I had been having over and over again for as long as I can remember How often do dreams come true? And in such a perfect way.....?

  But now, that all my dreamy thoughts had manifested into reality and this was actually happening, everything about it felt wrong. It mainly felt wrong because I knew that it was going to end. The timing was now just so officially off for this. For us. In the last seven days so much had happened that meant that Mike and I would never be the same again. Possibly ever. If this moment had happened a few weeks ago, things would be very different. But they weren't. Why couldn't he have opened his eyes just a few seconds earlier?

  I was going away. And this moment here, the perfect, better than in my wildest-dreams moment was not going to last.

  "Maria, what's wrong? What's going on?"

  I was so trapped in these thoughts that I had almost forgotten that he was there and his voice took me by surprise. Like the tingly feeling you get as dental anesthetic wears off, reality came creeping in again and I realized that I had been crying. Mike was looking at me intently, his face just centimeters from mine and I wanted to kiss him again. Just forget the moments after this and focus on the now. What was here and in front of me in this moment.

  "We shouldn't have done that." I whispered the first thing that popped to mind.

  "What?" He flew up off his elbow and into a sitting position. "Why?"

  I stared at the stars again. Last time we had looked up at the stars like this, I had wanted to tell him how much I loved him, and now I could.

  "I love you Mike." I said, not taking my eyes off the bright star that was rising fast. He fell back down on his elbow.

  "I love you too, Maria." He kissed my lips gently again. It was so bitter sweet. God, I wished this moment could last forever.

  "I've book that trip next year." I finally managed after a silence that felt like it went on for far too long.

  "So I'll come with you?" he quickly jumped in. "I'll quickly book and we'll go together. You know how much fun we'd have-"

  I cut him off quickly before I bought into this plan and allowed my imagination to run away with me. "What did the scout say?"

  He paused like he was reluctant to speak. "He offered me a full college scholarship and-" He stopped mid sentence.

  "And?" I urged.

  "A scholarship to the best tennis school out of state to finish the year there."

  My heart palpitated.

  "But I'm not going. This, you, are more important to me than and tennis scholarship."

  "NO!" The word came out loudly and he was taken aback. I knew he would be offered a college scholarship, but I had no idea he would be offered an opportunity to go to another school now. But I also knew that if i was a good friend, and my love was truly unselfish, I would have to convince him to take it. All of it.

  "You have to go." I said. Perhaps the hardest thing I'd ever said in my life. The words got stuck in my throat.

  He shook his head vigorously. "No! I can't, not when you and I are just starting. I can't."

  I sat up and stared off into the distance, I had been practicing this little speech in my head for ages now, and this was the cue to launch into it.

  "Mike, this thing between us... it's, it's..." Fuck, what were the words that McKenzie had used that had made so much sense at the time. "Consumed me and my life for so long, that I..." Fuck the words were slipping out of my consciousness fast, perhaps because they were the last words on earth I wanted to say right now.

  "Consumed? You make it sound like a bad thing?" he asked, sounding worried.

  "Maybe it is." My voice and demeanor was coy. "Maybe my whole life has kind of revolved around you, like my real life had been on hold or something." I paused and thought about McKenzie for a moment and the thought of her gave me the courage to say the next thing. "It's also cost me. A lot. Like my relationship with McKenzie."

  "What you mean?"

  "All this time, she's been hurt, because I kind of dumped her for you. Which wasn't cool of me, and I think I need to put some energy into fixing it. And I don't think I can do that when my life revolves around you."

  "Wow. Okay, I didn't know that. You really mean that?"

  I shrugged. "I think so... I mean, it's....I've been silently loving you for ten years and it's been..."

  "Unbearable." He said and nodded. "I can kind of imagine. This week has felt unbearable, not knowing how you felt, or being able to speak to you, I know it's a tiny thing compared to ten years, but I think I get it a bit."

  Silence. All I could hear were the crickets and some leaves rustling as a breeze blew through them.

  "So what are you saying, Maria?"

  I swallowed hard. "I... I... don't think I can say it out loud."

  "I see." He said, sounding far away.

  I turned and looked at him for the first time in a while. I hadn't been able to up until now.

  "I think you should take the scholarship. Both of them."

  His head whipped around, "But that would mean moving, across states to a boarding school and hardly seeing you for the rest of the year. You don't really mean that?"

  My face fell, I could feel it and his did too.

  "So what are you saying? That this is over?" He looked heart broken and mine broke too and it took all my restraint not to forget everything I knew was right and just kiss him again and stay that way forever.

  "Was I too late?" He asked, the heart broke look gave way to panic. "This is my fault, isn't it?"

  I shook my head. "No. It's no ones fault, it's just the way it is."

  "Can I fix it? What can I do? I'll do anything Maria. You're my best friend-"

  "I'll always be your best friend." I quickly added.

  "Just no more than that?" He said.

  Another one of those nauseating silence crept in.

  "I would not be your best friend and love you if I didn't tell you to take the scholarship and all the opportunities being given to you, and you would not be mine if.... If you, fuck! If you didn't see that I needed to do this. To travel, to.... I've lost myself a bit and I..."

  The tears started again.

  "You need a break from me?" He said. He sounded devastated. I was devastated. This was the single hardest, most grown up thing I had ever done in my life before. What do they say...often the right thing to do feels like the worst thing in the world? Or something like that.

  "Yes." I whispered. "I need a break. For this. From you."

  Mike

  Maria needed a break from me.

  The words, and more importantly what the hell they actually meant, slammed into me so hard that it felt like I had just been winded. I tried to inhale, but the air felt like it was almost too thick to breathe, like it had turned to sludge.

  "But..." I stuttered. I just said the word, even though I didn't have any other words to say afterwards. My mind was totally blank after 'But.' What the hell kind of thing could I say to that anyway?

  "I'm sorry." Maria said softly, before she started standing up.

  All my reflexes fired to life as I started to panic. I grabbed her by the hand, pulling her back down towards me. She slumped next to me again.

  "You're kidding, I mean... this cannot be the end. It can't. It hasn't even begun yet Maria. We haven't
even given this thing a chance... and now what? It's over, before it's begun?" The words flew out of my mouth like bullets. All of a sudden I had a whole bunch of stuff to say, and I wasn't ending anytime soon, not until she got it. Not until she understood how much I loved her and wanted to be with her. "Maria... you can't walk away now. It's only beginning for us. Our adventure is only beginning..."

  Maria reached up and put her hand over my mouth. I grabbed it and held onto it. Kissing the back of it like it was a long lost lover.

  "We have no choice." She said taking her hand away "You have to take that scholarship, and I'm going away next year. That's just the way it's worked out."

  "But I don't want it to work out like that." I twisted my fingers through hers and gripped her hand hard. I wasn't going to let her go. Not now that we were so damn close.

  "Maybe it's the way it was supposed to work out." She offered, her fingers twirled in my hand and I caressed the back of her hand with my thumb.

  "How can you be so calm about this. So logical?"

  "I've had time to think about it. And when you do, you'll also realize it's the right thing to do too."

  She started getting up again and this time I didn't stop her. But before she did, she grabbed a giant slice of pizza and an extra few donuts. She took a bite and smiled at me faintly. I could see she was trying to put on a brave face.

  "But this is not supposed to happen like this." I jumped up, "This is meant to be your big Hollywood gesture, the one that cannot be refused because it's so romantic and blows you off your feet and – "

  She took another bite of the pizza. "This was perfect. This was the best romantic gesture in the history of romantic gestures."

  "But it wasn't enough?"

  "It was. It was more than enough."

  I wanted for her to add to that, but she didn't. "And?"

  She shook her head. "There is no 'and'. It was perfect." Her eyes looked like they were tearing up again and she began to turn around. That panic from earlier was back. It felt like if I let her walk away now, it was over. Maria and I would be over.

  "Wait! Why don't you stay for supper, we're still friends aren't we?"

  She turned back slowly, "We are still friends. Best friends, but I need some..."

  "Time." I added before she had a chance to finish. She needed time. Maria needed time away from me. Maria needed time away from loving me.

  "Time." She repeated the word and nodded back at me. I tried to give her a faint understanding smile, but my lips didn't move. She took a step forward and planted a small kiss on my mouth. I felt her lips linger and heard the breathy whimper that escaped her lips just a tiny bit. She started to pull away and I grabbed her and kissed her harder.

  For a moment I thought she would pull away, but she didn't. She kissed me right back and wrapped both her arms around me. I didn't hesitate in reciprocating. My hands wandered down her back and I wanted to move them lower. The kiss was different this time. It was hungry, and sexy and hot as hell. She took my hand in hers and moved it down over her ass. I was shocked, but wasn't going to snub the invitation. I started walking her backwards until her back pressed into the tree. The kiss grew faster and hotter by the second, until... as if we were both thinking the same thing, we both pulled away. Both of us gasping for air. I looked into her eyes. Her pupils were big and black and dilated and she was looking at me in a way I'd never seen before. She wiped her mouth and turned. She started to run. Down the hill, getting smaller and smaller and darker and darker the shadows swallowing her up until... she was gone.

  What had just happened? That whole thing hadn't gone as planned. At all. And the kiss had left me reeling. One minute we were breaking up and then next minute she was kissing my like that. Like she wanted more. God, I wanted more. I wanted everything from her.

  The kiss was just so unexpected that I wasn't sure how to feel about it, not to mention what had just happed between us. I guess it must be like going to the doctor for a cold, and him telling you he needs to amputate your arms. It was that unexpected.

  I sat there on the blanket in absolute, still silence listening to my heart beating faster and faster like a drum. Waves of adrenaline were surging through my body and telling me to get up and run. To chase her and get my girl. But another part was telling me to let her go.

  Without thinking I grabbed a slice of pizza and donut and kind of shoved them both in my mouth at the same time. It instantly felt good to chew and soon I was popping more into my mouth. HA! This was comfort eating. This is what all the chick flicks talked about. Broken –hearted- woman- with- a- tub- of- ice cream. Only I was the broken hearted one, and instead of an ice cream I was picking chunks of cheese off a large slice of meaty, spicy pizza.

  I'm not really sure how long I sat there for, but after I had eaten almost everything in sight, I noticed that it was definitely darker and getting colder. I grabbed all my things and started the long walk home. And with nothing to distract myself, all the food was gone, my only thought was of Maria.

  Maria....

  I needed her like I needed air. And I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go to another school and not have her a literal stones throw away. I arrived at my house, with an automatic look up at Maria's window. The lights were on, but the curtains were closed. I went up to my room and dumped my sorry self on the bed. I took my phone out and the scout had called two more times.

  "You have to take the scholarship", she'd said. "All of it."

  She was right. A part of me knew that, even if I didn't want to do it. I picked my phone up and started writing the scout a message, but then stopped myself. I rolled off my bed and walked over to my window and opened it. I sat there facing Maria's window and wrote her a message. The memory of that kiss was still playing on my mind and my body.

  Mike: What are you thinking about?

  I waited. I felt like I waited a lifetime.

  Maria: What are u thinking about?

  Mike: About u.

  Maria: Me .

  Mike: I still love u.

  Maria: Me

  Mike: So why can't we be together then?

  Maria: Cos u have go and conquer the tennis world and I have go and find myself, and some ruins. Promise me you'll take the scholarship Mike.

  My heart started beating faster as I looked at her message. I didn't want to take it. Every part of me didn't want to leave her.

  Maria: Promise me!

  I still couldn't believe this was actually happening.

  Maria: Promise me you'll do it!

  I bit down on my lip and tasted blood I had done it so hard. My fingers wee shaking and my stomach churning as I typed.

  Mike: I promise.

  My heart broke into a million pieces. How many more nights was I going to be able to stand in my bedroom and look across as Maria's window? What if this was one of the last nights?

  That kiss.... My fingers started typing again.

  Mike: Why did you kiss me like that?

  Maria: Because I wanted to.

  Mike: Open ur curtain. I want c u.

  I looked up and waited. Finally, a tiny hand peeped out from around the curtain and it was pushed aside. She was standing there wearing a totally oversized t-shirt that hung off her one shoulder. Her hair was wet, like she'd just stepped out the shower and I'd never wanted anyone as much as I wanted her. I wanted her in every way possible.

  Mike: Ur so fucking beautiful Maria.

  Even though we were far away, I could still make out her blush. She shuffled from side to side and looked coy. I was transfixed by her and stared. Gaped maybe. The sound of my phone beeping snapped me back to reality.

  Maria: Ur not to bad either.

  I smiled at her message and started typing my own. Once I was done, I stared at the words I had written.

  Maria: I want to kiss you like that again, and more....

  My finger hovered over the message. I didn't know whether to send it or not. If I did, we were crossing over a line that we'd never crossed
over before. We had toyed with the line during the kiss though. A feeling started rising in me and I had no idea whether I should act on it. Especially considering what was going on. But I had no idea how much longer Maria and I had left, and it was now or never. I pressed send and her response was instant. She looked up at me and then quickly averted her eyes. It looked like she was trying to type a message, but kept deleting it.

  Mike: Can I come over?

  I typed the words, and they were totally loaded with something else. We both knew that, the way she shuffled while reading the message let me know that she knew exactly what I meant.

  Maria: I don't know.

  My heart sank and I suddenly felt bad for even taking the conversation there. Shit, I had crossed line, but just as I was about to type something back apologizing I got a message from her.

  Maria: Let me think about it.

  My head snapped up and I looked across at her. She was smiling this strange, coy, yet naughty looking smile and it made me crumble. She closed her curtains with a flourish.

  Maria

  I woke up the next morning with the fattest smile plastered across my face. I hadn't been able to get rid of it since the message exchange. That message exchange. In fact, when I thought about it all, the smile kind of turned into something coy and very girly- unlike me. Totally unlike me. A bit blush-y and totally girl-y.

  But the whole thing also seemed to have backtracked. Done a and looped the hell around. I had gone there to end it with Mike and now I was thinking, about us.... The possibility that we might...

  I couldn't even quite say it in my mind, let alone out loud. I guess in a perfect world I had always wanted Mike to be my first. But Mike was also changing schools, and I was going away at the end of the year. Perhaps not the best time for that?

  I wasn't sure what to do, and since I had no one to talk to about this...

  I stopped mid thought. I did have someone to talk to about this. I pulled my pajamas off and slipped into my t-shirt and jeans. I could hear the shower going in McKenzie's bathroom and walked over to it.

  I gave a loud knock on the door and the water turned off.