THE TROUBLE WITH KISSING YOU

by Gen Phan

  "It's me. Can I come in?"

  "Sure."

  I slipped in and McKenzie's head was already sticking out from behind the shower door already. She looked solemn and concerned.

  "So how did it go? How did he take it? Did you tell him?"

  I nodded.

  "Shit. Are you okay?" She asked, clicking for me to grab and pass her a towel.

  I reached up for one and passed it, not able to hide the smile that had spread out across my face again.

  "What?" McKenzie looked intrigued.

  "Well, I did tell him, but it didn't go exactly as I imagined." I sat on the closed lid of the toilet and McKenzie climbed out the shower and wrapped the towel around herself. For a split second I caught a very tiny flash of ample bosom, just before I covered my eyes.

  "How come you inherited all the boobs in the family?" I asked, still hands over eyes.

  "Trust me, having big boobs isn't all fun and games. Most of the time the guys can't really see past it and ..."

  Her voice tapered off and for a second she sounded sad. I looked up at her and her face had changed somewhat.

  "Nevermind. This is about you. Tell me everything." She sat on the edge of the bath and crossed her hairless legs. Hairless legs, sometimes a foreign concept to me, especially when it was winter and I just didn't have the inclination.

  "So...um..." I felt coy again and hung my head, wringing my hands in my lap. "We sort of kissed again, a few times."

  "A goodbye kiss!" She quickly said.

  I shook my head, "No, it was more of a..." How was I going to put this, I had never had a conversation like this with anyone before. Ever. "A hello kiss I guess you could say, in a way..."

  McKenzie looked at me blankly for a moment or two and then suddenly her eyes widened and she gasped.

  "OMG, like certain parts of his body were making an appearance and saying hello!"

  "WHAT!" I screeched back. "I can't believe that just game out of your mouth. You did not just say that, Oh My God. I cannot believe that you just said that." I think I must have blushed a bright shade of crimson and the warm steamy bathroom was not helping my cause.

  "Biology Maria." She smiled a kind of wicked smile at me and then slapped me on the knee. "See, isn't this nice. Girl talk."

  "No!" I quickly corrected in jest. Because it was actually nice to have someone to talk to. "What am I going to do?" I asked, my voice quivering a bit at the mere thought of it.

  "WOW! Okay, you're seriously considering it," She leaned in and whispered, "Having S E X with Mike." She spelt it out. Why, I don't know. The only people that could possibly overhear us were our parents and they could both spell.

  "It's stupid I know. It's the worst idea in the world. He's going to another school soon, he got this scholarship. I'm going away next year, it would be the worst timing ever."

  "Or the most perfect timing." McKenzie added softly. "A goodbye neither of you will ever forget."

  I hung my head at the thought of it. "What if it's harder to say goodbye then?"

  "What if it's easier, because you take something special and beautiful away with you both, something to remember and hold onto until you meet again in a year and get together."

  "You think we will?" I perked up, but then quickly shook my head. "Nah, he'll find someone."

  "He won't find anyone who will ever replace you. Trust me!"

  She said it with such conviction that I almost believed her.

  "What should I do?" I needed her advice, she was much more experienced in matters like this. "What's it like?"

  I blushed again as the words left my lips.

  "I wouldn't know," McKenzie said quickly. My shock was instant.

  "You've never? But I thought...?"

  "I was some kind of slag!" She stated matter-of-factly and shrugged.

  "No...I mean... you always...shit, sorry. I don't mean to offend you." I reached out and touched her hand.

  "No offence taken. Most people just think I am, and sometimes it's easier just to be what others think you are. Much less complicated that way. Not like you, you are always yourself, regardless of what people think."

  I looked up at my twin, she was surprising me more and more every day, which each revelation. Like peeling the layers off an onion back and finding another one. I wondered how many more revelations there would be until I got down to the last layer.

  "I can't give you advice about that stuff, what I can do is help you look a little better if you decide to... do the deed." She pulled up my jeans and made a tutting sound. "Just as I suspected. Your legs haven't seen a razor since your eye brows have seen a tweezer." She flashed me a smile.

  I smiled back at her. It had felt good talking, but I was still conflicted and no closer to deciding what I wanted to do. This was life changing. One of those things you remember for the rest of your life. And it could go so wrong...

  It might feel impossible to say goodbye to him afterwards.

  Mike

  I woke up the next morning and for a few wonderful, blissful seconds, my mind was blank. But then it wasn't anymore, and memories of last night flooded in.

  Some good. Very good. Others shockingly bad. I slid out of bed and decided to do the first thing I had promised Maria I would do last night. No matter how hard it was going to be. I'd promised her, and before I checked out and talked myself out of it.... I would do it.

  So I messaged the scout back and told him I would be interested in changing schools, taking the full scholarship offered... everything. Hardest few words I'd ever had to write in my entire life.

  Strange, because this had always been something I'd wanted. Amazing how your priorities and what you think is important can shift over night- Maria was everything now. Everything else seemed to pale in comparison to her.

  The scout phoned me back immediately, which I was't happy about. Messaging him seemed easier, somewhat detached from the reality of what I was doing. But talking to him, seemed even harder. It made it all so real. He gave me the full lecture over the phone again. That coming to the school meant that I would get the proper training and preparation I needed to play on a college level and eventually, the goal, to go professional. Best coaches there, more emphasis on tennis, more time to practice, chances to play with college players too. Excellent education and luxurious boarding school. For a second or two I felt my heart racing with a tiny, tingle of excitement. I was going to try and hold on to that feeling. Hopefully it would last. He ended the conversation by asking when I wanted to come?

  The answer caught me off guard.

  "Um, when can I come?" I asked nervously.

  "Son..." He called me son, which I hated." We're all so excited to have you, you can come on Monday if you like!""

  "Monday!" It was Saturday morning already. He obviously heard the shock in my voice.

  "Well, think about it. The point is, you can come as soon as you're ready."

  I hung up and walked over to the window. Maria's curtains were still closed. Monday? That seemed a bit extreme. I picked up my phone to message her, but dropped it back down on the bed again. I decided not to get hold of her until she got hole of me... until she'd decided.

  Fuck, I couldn't believe we were even talking about this. I felt as nervous as fucking hell just thinking about the possibility of it. I'd had sex with my ex, but the thought of Maria and I, was totally different. It wouldn't compare in anyway imaginable. With Maria, love was involved, and that would be a first for me. That's if we did...

  And if we did, it wouldn't change what was coming. I was still going away and so was Maria. I could be going away on Monday if I wanted to. I was desperate to talk to someone about all this, and there was only one person in the world that I could. Oh well... whatever....

  I picked up the phone and messaged her.

  Mike: Morning :)

  Maria: Morning :)

  Mike: I wanted to check something. Just make sure I wasn't dreaming, or see if you had changed your mind yet...


  Maria: Check what.

  Mike: You still want me to take that scholarship. And you don't want some company around the world?

  Maria: Mike....

  There was a long pause in the conversation and I was waiting for another message. Only it didn't come.

  Mike: I'll take that as a YES followed by a NO.... can't blame a guy for trying.

  There was another pause. This time it went on for ages, as if she had put her phone down or was waiting for me to say something. Finally a messaged popped onto my screen.

  Maria: Have you told the scout?

  Mike: Yes.

  Maria: When do you leave?

  Mike: He said I could come on Monday if I wanted to.

  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a rapid movement and looked out the window as Maria pulled her curtain back, hard. She just stood there staring at me. I couldn't make out what the features on her face were doing. She looked down at her hands and started typing again.

  Maria: You should go.

  My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest.

  Mike: So soon?

  Maria looked up at me again. The feelings from all the way across the yard were totally electric. They reached out across the space between us and filled it up to capacity. It was like when we'd kissed last night, except more extreme. And we weren't even touching each other. I sucked in a breathe to try and steady myself. Maria looked like she was deep breathing too, I could just make out the tiny movement of her shoulders rising and falling.

  Maria: OK

  Mike: Ok what?

  Maria: Okay, you can come over tomorrow night.

  My phone dropped out of my hand and landed on the floor with a thud. Our eyes were still locked from across the yard and the feeling between us was growing and growing. It was so big that it felt like the entire world could not contain it. I quickly fell to the floor and retrieved my phone from under my bed, when it had landed. My shaking fingers tried to type her a message, but I kept having to deleted the wrong letters.

  Mike: U sure?

  Maria: I've never been so sure about anything in my life.

  I was still on my hands and knees on the floor and I popped my head back up to look at Maria through the window again. She gave me a tiny wave. I stupidly waved back and was pretty sure I looked like a total fucking dork, no doubt with a stupid, stupefied look plastered across my face.

  Maria: X

  With fingers that were shaking even harder I tried to reciprocate.

  Mike: Z

  I missed the 'X' and I saw Maria smile and I thought I could hear a little chuckle. She closed the window again and I was left gaping after her.

  Mike and Maria

  *P.s please imagine in the chapter before they discussed the time he would come over. : PM

  It was : pm. My heart was racing. Breath quickening and getting stuck in my throat from time to time. My palms were sweaty and I suspected had maybe used too much aftershave...

  Legs shaved. Bathed, brushed and double tooth brushed. My heart was racing like I didn't even know was possible. I'd been sitting on my bed doing absolutely nothing for the past hour...

  I'd been pacing for an hour inside my room and occasionally bouncing a tennis ball against the wall, not sure what to do with myself until : pm...

  My bedside clock made a sound that made me jump as the second hand ticked over and suddenly I was staring at : pm. It was time...

  It was time. I climbed out of my window and started walking across the grass to Maria's house. I had done this so many times before. Hundreds and hundreds of times over the last ten years, but everything about this walk felt different. This felt like the first time I'd ever walked over to her house and I couldn't wait to see her...

  I saw him. He was striding across the grass. I had seen him walking across the lawn so many times before. But tonight, it felt like I was seeing him for the first time ever. He looked so different, he looked better than I'd ever seen him. His head tilted up and our eyes met...

  Our eyes met and I felt like I was transported to another place in space and time where only Maria and I existed...

  I had existed in a fantasy for so long with Mike. But tonight that fantasy was coming true and I was both excited and petrified. I shivered as I opened the window for him, realizing that we were about to cross a threshold together...

  I climbed over the threshold and was in her room. She stood a few feet away and we both just stared at each other. No one moved...

  I felt frozen. My brain was racing with thoughts of Mike and what we were about to do, but my body felt like it couldn't move...

  I moved closer to her...

  He took a step forward and my heart screamed and slammed into my rib cage with such force that I gasped...

  She took my breath away and I wanted to kiss her so badly. And I never wanted to stop kissing her. I wanted to kiss her until the day we both grew old and died. That's what it felt like with Maria. As if this was the forever kind of love...

  I wanted this moment to last forever. It was perfect and more than anything I could have ever imagined. The way he was looking at me right now, was a feeling I could never get used to and something I could get lost in...

  It was only in this moment that I realized how lost I had been all these years without her like this. She was my anchor and when I was with her, everything felt better. And tonight I wanted to make sure she understood that. Beyond a doubt. After tonight I wanted Maria to know just how much I loved and cared for her...

  "Hello Maria." I smiled at her and a massive smile swept across her face.

  "Hello Mike."

  "Can I kiss you now?"

  I'm not sure why I asked her that. Because the look on her face told me it was okay to do it. But I wanted to make sure that everything that happened tonight was what she wanted. This was about her, and how amazing she was...

  Everything about him amazed me right now. He stepped forward and wrapped and arm around my waist and pulled me closer...

  I pulled her closer. As close as I could and...

  He kissed me.

  She kissed me, and it was perfect...

  Mckenzie had been right, this was the perfect time for this to happen. Because everything about this moment felt so right. It was the perfect way to say goodbye and...

  "I love you Maria."

  Mike- Epilogue

  I woke up tangled in Maria's arms. We were both still naked and had slept like that the whole night. Her skin felt warm and soft against mine, and slightly sticky. We'd held each other so long and tight that our skin felt glued together. She was still fast asleep and I took the opportunity to study her. And I felt like a total pervert when I lifted the blanket just a little, enough to look at her once again. I drank her all in, in case I didn't get to see her like this again...

  God, how hadn't I noticed her before? She was so beautiful, and she felt even better. I never wanted to leave her. Last night had been the most intense and amazing experience, I would never forget it. Not until the day I died. In fact, I'm sure that when I was lying on my death bed the last thing I would picture before I slipped away was Maria...on top of me.

  If I thought I'd loved her yesterday, well, that was nothing compared to now...It was nothing compared to how I'd felt about her when I'd been inside her. In that moment when I'd looked into her eyes and held her face between my hands I had decided that fuck it!

  Fuck tennis, fuck the scholarship, this was wear I was meant to be. When it was over she had fallen asleep on my chest, which was about the best feeling ever. I lay there unable to sleep and stared at the walls of her room and smelt her hair over and over again.

  And it was in that moment that I realized, I had to go. Leave. Her walls were still covered in pictures of far off places and the adventures that she could have. That she needed to have.

  She'd loved me every day for ten years now and in a way, had put her entire life on hold for me. I knew I needed to let her go. Maria needed to be set free from me,
so that she could fulfill her destiny. A tear formed in my eye as I though about her trekking through some jungle, beating off wild animals with a stick or something super-cool like that.

  I needed to release her from my grip, so that she could go off and fly.

  I slipped out the bed that morning and picked my clothes off the floor. I climbed into them quickly as I heard a sound coming from somewhere in the house. The last thing I needed was to bump into Mr. Glover like this.

  I knelt at her bed and stared into her face. She mesmerised me. She was sleeping so soundly that I didn't want to wake her. And if she was awake, it would just make it that much harder. I feared that if I looked into her eyes again and heard her voice, the revelation I'd had last night would leave me.

  I leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. I kissed her on the forehead and then took her hand and held the back of it against my check.

  "I love you," I whispered softly, before getting up and climbing out the window and walking towards my new life.

  Maria- Epilogue

  I was awake when he'd kissed me and told me he loved me, but I was afraid that if I opened my eyes and looked at him, I would beg him not to go. I would cancel my entire trip and stay in bed with him forever.

  So I let him walk out. He climbed out of the window that morning and climbed out of my life too. Well, the life that we knew anyway. By the end of today he would be living in another state and going to another school, and starting a whole new life without me. I would still have to go to the same school though every morning without him. I would have to wake up every morning, knowing that he wasn't just across the grass. I wouldn't be able to climb through his window whenever I wanted to chat and was feeling bored...

  Soon we would be separated by hundreds of miles.

  Sure there were phones, but it wouldn't be the same. And then next year... I was going away. We were both starting new lives and they weren't with each other. Never in my worst nightmare, had I ever imagined this for us.

  I rolled over onto my back and felt the hot, wet tears running down the sides of my face and onto my pillow. Was I doing the right thing letting him go? Everything about it felt wrong. Every tiny, microscopic fibre in my body was screaming at me that this was WRONG.