No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs: A Brand New Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘George and Rebecca are in their cots at seven sharp and sleep right through until six a.m.,’ Alison announced. ‘Though to be fair, they are quite advanced for their age.’

  Never had a piece of information disturbed him so much.

  ‘They sleep through the night? Are you drugging them?’

  She gave a self-satisfied smile.

  ‘Routine, routine, routine,’ she said, slamming her hand down on the counter top each time she said it. ‘Perhaps it’s my nature or perhaps it’s having twins, but George and Rebecca have been put into a routine since the day they were born. Scheduled sleep times, scheduled play times, scheduled food times, scheduled individual massages, scheduled social time. Their lives are run like clockwork. It’s the only way.’

  ‘But how?’ muttered Ben in total awe.

  ‘You just have to be disciplined. I know when I leave here at eleven fifteen that we will get home, have lunch, have some scheduled kicking time, then bed for two hours’ sleep when I can put my feet up and relax unless I have washing scheduled.’

  ‘Two hours?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Every day?’

  ‘Yes. Did Katy not do any of this?’

  ‘I’m pretty sure she didn’t. I think she just winged it,’ Ben replied.

  ‘No wonder she wanted to go back to work,’ said Alison. ‘Left you to pick up the pieces.’

  ‘No,’ said Ben firmly. ‘It wasn’t like that, really. I asked to do it. I wanted to contribute to the family. I thought I could do it. But it’s just a lot harder than I realised.’ He looked away in shame. He couldn’t believe looking after a baby had left him a broken man.

  ‘Come over to our house tomorrow and I’ll tell you what to do. Set you up with a schedule. It’ll take a while, but once you’ve got into it, it will make your life so much easier, I promise.’

  Ben snapped his head up.

  ‘No,’ he said quickly. ‘I can’t do that.’

  Alison reached out and put a very soft and smooth hand over his.

  ‘I know it will be really hard walking into our beautiful home again, but there really is no need to be intimidated.’

  ‘No, no, it’s not that,’ protested Ben, thinking fast.

  ‘I can help you,’ said Alison.

  But you don’t know what I know screamed through his head. He and Katy had somehow got to a good place regarding her indiscretion with Matthew. It was in the past and they’d moved on.

  ‘I really don’t see what choice you have, actually,’ said Alison matter-of-factly. ‘Charlene said you were on the brink of giving up and telling Katy you couldn’t cope. Do you really want to have to do that?’

  Ben looked at her. He knew she was right. He’d dug himself a right hole telling Katy he was capable, when he clearly wasn’t. But having Alison help him? He couldn’t explain that one to Katy.

  ‘You don’t have to tell Katy if you don’t want to,’ said Alison, as though reading his mind. ‘If you’re too embarrassed to admit you need support.’

  He looked down at Millie, who had fallen asleep in Alison’s sling. The flat was the calmest it had been in a long time despite the fact there were four babies in residence. Perhaps if he just went over once. Gleaned everything he could from Alison. Matthew would be at work and Katy would be none the wiser. It might make all the difference. Katy would be so impressed.

  ‘If you come at nine-thirty,’ said Alison, ‘Rebecca and George will be asleep and I can take you through what I do properly. Then Millie can socialise with them for half an hour after they wake up. It will be good for her.’

  ‘And you won’t tell Matthew?’ he said eventually.

  ‘I don’t keep secrets from my husband,’ replied Alison firmly.

  He certainly keeps them from you, he thought, trying hard not to pull a face.

  ‘If it bothers you that much, I won’t tell him it’s you,’ she conceded. ‘I’ll tell him I’m helping a stay-at-home dad but won’t give him your name.’

  Bloody hell, thought Ben. He’d only been back in Alison’s company for less than an hour and already the lies were building up.

  ‘Here,’ she said, carefully lifting the sling over her head and hooking it over Ben’s shoulder without waking Millie. ‘You can give it back when you come over tomorrow. I’ve got to go now so we can get home before George and Rebecca get tired and fall asleep in the car. You remember where we live, don’t you?’

  Of course I remember, he thought, not daring to move, as Millie looked so content. That was where he’d unearthed the first lie Katy had told him about Matthew.

  Chapter Fourteen

  ‘The M1 was hell,’ said Matthew as he strode into the kitchen, dumping a carrier bag on the spotless granite work surface with a loud clanking sound.

  ‘Bugger,’ he uttered, opening it up quickly to check he hadn’t broken the contents. He pulled out a bottle of red wine then strode over to the sink to hide the unbranded carrier in amongst the rest of the crinkly plastic neatly jammed into a bag collector in the cupboard below. Heaven forbid he’d have to admit to Alison he’d bought wine from a corner shop!

  There were no lights on in the kitchen apart from the neon strips hidden under the overhead cupboards and the spotlights that shone onto carefully staged artifacts which looked like they belonged in a museum rather than a functioning kitchen. Matthew flicked some switches, instantly shifting the atmosphere away from subtle and moody to brain surgery performance level. Having found a glass, he poured himself a generous slug before standing under a blaze of electric light and taking a huge gulp – which was how Alison found him when she bustled into the kitchen.

  ‘Oh Matthew,’ she sighed.

  ‘What?’ he shrugged, mentally going through a list of what could have caused such a reception. Too many lights on, drinking alone, drinking midweek, tabloid newspaper strewn on the counter, standing up, not sitting down, female intuition that could tell the dodgy provenance of his wine, five minutes past the time he said he’d be back, even though he’d rung ahead to say he was going to be late . . . the list could in fact be endless. He held his breath, waiting to see which she would pick.

  ‘What is the point of Auntie Brenda buying us those everyday red wine glasses for Christmas if you insist on using the everyday white wine glasses? Here, give it to me,’ she said, holding her hand out and taking the glass from him. She turned and located a slightly different shaped glass and poured Matthew’s wine into it.

  ‘It’s such a waste if you don’t use them,’ she said, handing it back to him before putting the wrong glass into the top of the dishwasher.

  Matthew took another large gulp before slumping down on a dining chair behind him and loosening his tie.

  ‘It’s been a hell of a day,’ he said.

  ‘I know,’ replied Alison. ‘I have no idea where the time went.’

  ‘Simon dumped a presentation on me forty minutes before a potential new client was due to arrive. Forty minutes!’

  ‘George woke up in a bit of an odd mood. He didn’t latch on like he usually does. I do wonder if he might be coming down with something.’

  ‘And do you know why he didn’t do it? Afterwards he had the gall to tell me that I was much better suited to present, given my experience. I tell you, I nearly lost it with him.’

  ‘Anyway, so I gave him some Calpol and he seemed to be okay, but I’ve been checking his temperature every four hours just to be sure.’

  ‘I mean, honestly. He knows I wasn’t happy when he was brought in above me. He’s only been with the company five minutes and then he wants me to do his job for him. Unbelievable.’

  ‘And then Rebecca had a funny poo before she went to bed. You know those ones she used to have when she was tiny. The really pale ones.’

  ‘The ones that oozed out of her nappy. They really were disgusting,’ Matthew commented. ‘Anyway, I told Ian that I’m going to go to Jim and tell him I’m doing this new guy’s job for him. It’s just not fair. Then Ian told
me how much money he’s on. God knows how he found out. Apparently it’s twenty grand more than what the job was advertised for internally. It’s so fucking typical. The idiots on the board bring in a chap from outside, pay him more and then he expects everyone else to do his work for him. I’m so angry.’ He reached for the wine bottle and poured himself another large glass.

  ‘I’m wondering if I should cancel tomorrow now,’ Alison said to herself. ‘Don’t want any more germs coming into the house. We could always leave it a couple of days. See how they both are.’

  ‘Might be wise,’ said Matthew. ‘But you know what will happen now, don’t you? We’ll only go and win the frigging business and who will get all the glory? Blooming golden balls, new boy Simon, that’s who. Well, over my dead body. I’m telling everyone that he had bugger all to do with that pitch.’

  ‘I’ll see if either of them has a temperature in the morning. And if they do I’ll tell him not to come round. Better safe than sorry.’

  ‘Is that the new gardener coming to give you a quote?’ asked Matthew, picking up the newspaper and spreading it out on the table. ‘He can stay outside, can’t he? No need for him to come in.’

  ‘Er, no,’ said Alison, turning her back on him to get the offending wine glass out of the dishwasher and wash it by hand in the sink. ‘No, actually, it’s someone I said I’d lend a hand to.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Matthew, turning to the sports pages. ‘Who’s that, then?’

  ‘Oh, just some friend of Charlene’s.’

  Matthew didn’t reply immediately, as he got absorbed in the post-match write-up for the previous evening’s game.

  ‘One of Charlene’s friends, you say?’ he said eventually, still staring at his paper. ‘Not one of the ones who did that hideous dance with her at her wedding party?’

  ‘Actually, it’s a man,’ stated Alison. ‘He’s a stay-at-home dad.’

  ‘A stay-at-home dad?’ said Matthew, looking up.

  ‘Yes,’ said Alison, now polishing the wine glass with a clean tea towel, holding his gaze. ‘Have you got a clean shirt for tomorrow?’

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ he said, studying his wife closely. ‘So have you met this stay-at-home dad person?’

  ‘Of course I have,’ she replied, now wiping down the sink with the clean tea towel.

  ‘And?’

  ‘And what?’

  ‘Well, what’s he like?’

  ‘He’s just a man, Matthew. And he needs help. His partner clearly had no clue so I offered to help him, that’s all.’

  ‘Right,’ said Matthew, leaning back in his chair and looking slightly perplexed. ‘And he’s a friend of Charlene’s?’

  ‘Yes, that’s what I said.’

  ‘And he’s coming here?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And you’re sure he’s okay?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘But you don’t know him. I don’t know him.’

  ‘He’s fine, honestly. Do you seriously think I would do anything to put me or George and Rebecca in danger? He just needs some help with his baby.’

  ‘Well, I think that’s admirable, I really do, Alison, but you’re bringing a stranger into our home, and I know he’s a friend of Charlene’s, but really, that’s nothing to go by, is it? You may never get rid of him. He might be some kind of weird stalker. He could be on our doorstep every day wanting more and more help. And what happens if he asks for money? What then? Is that the kind of help he’s after? Can you really be sure you know what he wants? He could walk in here, see the stereo, and it could be gone next week. Really, Alison, this isn’t like you. You’re normally so protective of our home. A stranger, really?’

  ‘Matthew, ‘ she said calmly, ‘I really do take umbrage at the fact you don’t trust my judgment in this matter.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Matthew. ‘But you barely know him. Tell you what. Why don’t you invite him round at the weekend instead, then at least I’ll be in the house as well.’

  ‘I can’t do that,’ said Alison.

  ‘Why not?’

  She gave a big sigh. ‘Because he doesn’t want his partner to know that he’s getting help.’

  ‘He wants to keep it a secret?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So he’s going to be here in our house and he’s not telling anyone he’s coming?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘The more you tell me about this bloke, the more dodgy it sounds. I’m not sure I’m very comfortable with this.’

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake,’ said Alison, throwing the tea towel in the sink. ‘Look, he made me promise I wouldn’t tell you, so if I tell you now, you have to promise not to tell anyone else, okay?’

  ‘What?’ cried Matthew. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Just promise me you won’t tell anyone.’

  ‘Okay. If I must.’

  ‘It’s Ben,’ she stated, putting her hands on her hips. ‘You know, as in Ben and Katy.’

  Matthew did well not to drop his wine glass or pass out.

  ‘Katy’s decided to go back to work and left Ben holding the baby, quite literally if you ask me,’ Alison continued. ‘Didn’t I tell you she wasn’t maternal? Anyway, Charlene called and said Ben was struggling – desperate, actually – and needed some help. Would I go round with her and get him on the right path? Well, what could I say? I could hardly leave him in the lurch, could I? So we went round there this morning, and, well, it was pitiful really. He had no idea what he was doing. That poor child must have been dragged up so far. Of course I offered to share my expertise. But Ben doesn’t want Katy to know, for some reason, and he made me promise not to tell you. I think he probably thinks you haven’t forgiven him for punching you, but I tried to tell him you are a better man than that and you totally understand his motivation and, well, it’s all water under the bridge now, isn’t it?’

  Matthew stared at his wife, his mouth open.

  ‘Isn’t it?’ she demanded.

  ‘Isn’t what?’ was all Matthew could muster.

  ‘Water under the bridge.’

  ‘What’s water under the bridge?’ he asked slowly.

  ‘Ben punching you – you’ve forgiven him, haven’t you? Honestly, Matthew, if you could see him now. I felt sorry for him, I really did. ’I don’t know how Katy sleeps at night knowing she’s left him to fend for himself when he’s no idea what he’s doing.’

  ‘Katy’s gone back to work?’ Matthew asked.

  ‘Yes, that’s what I’ve been saying. Aren’t you listening? Ben needs us, Matthew. That’s why he’s coming round here tomorrow, so I can teach him the basics.’

  ‘Ben is coming here!’ stated Matthew, not so much to Alison but to the world in general. Someone must realise what a ludicrous thing this was to be happening.

  ‘Yes, as long as George and Rebecca aren’t running a temperature.’

  Matthew found himself praying for one of his children to have a temperature before he stopped himself. There must be other ways of preventing this potentially cataclysmic meeting. And what was Ben thinking, accepting help from Alison? It didn’t make any sense. He’d have thought that Ben wouldn’t want to be within a hundred miles of Matthew, let alone come to his house with . . . oh my God. Matthew fought hard to keep his face in a normal pose when all he felt like doing was allowing it to crumple into a million pieces. He’d be bringing the baby. Katy’s baby. The baby that had nearly turned all of their worlds upside down.

  ‘I’ll just go and kiss George and Rebecca goodnight,’ he squeaked, not trusting his reactions any longer.

  ‘Just check how hot they are, will you?’ Alison shouted after him. ‘Put your hand on their forehead and see if it feels too hot.’

  Matthew wasn’t listening. He was already halfway up the stairs and heading for the master bedroom. Once inside he went into the en-suite, which reminded him of a prison cell due to its matching wall and floor tiles and its absence of any personality whatsoever. He sat on the pointless bidet and put his head in
his hands. This couldn’t be happening again.

  Chapter Fifteen

  ‘How anyone can work dressed like that, I have no idea,’ Daniel muttered to Katy as he watched two women walk across the reception of Wholesome Cereals wearing white overalls and hairnets. ‘Hairnets? One of the great unanswered questions of our time.’

  ‘Hygiene,’ Katy muttered back distractedly.

  ‘In what way could that ever be hygienic? Hygienic would be a rubber swimming hat. Nothing gets through those babies, believe me. I kept my cash under mine at Jimmy and Chris’s wedding pool party in Vegas last year. Dry as a bone. Now that wouldn’t have happened if I’d been wearing a hairnet, would it?’

  Katy said nothing. She wasn’t really listening.

  Daniel picked a thread off his Armani trousers.

  ‘And as for this reception, it has to be the most depressing place on earth – seriously. How many shades of biscuit can you get in one room? I can feel every drop of joie de vivre literally seeping out of my shoes the minute I step onto the hideous carpet. Why, Katy, why?’

  Katy gave a massive sigh. She really didn’t give a damn, to be honest. Leaving Millie that morning had somehow proved to be the hardest ever. All the euphoria of her spectacularly successful initial return to work had melted away and now she was back to feeling incredibly guilty that she wasn’t the one staying at home to look after her daughter. Besides which, Ben was barely speaking to her. He just grunted and told her not to worry about anything. A statement that was guaranteed to make her worry. Daniel jabbed her in the ribs to point out the shiny black blob of chewing gum curved over the armrest of the sagging settee they were sitting on and she realised he would not rest until she engaged in conversation with him about the state of their current location.

  ‘I guess the factory and this building were built a long time before they knew they needed a swanky reception to impress the likes of some shallow person who draws pretty pictures like you,’ she shrugged.

  ‘Really, you can go back on maternity leave now. Your insults have been a novelty so far, but today they’re just insults.’