No-One Ever Has Sex in the Suburbs: A Brand New Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Maybe I would go back on maternity leave, if I could,’ Katy muttered.

  ‘What?’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘And miss coming to glamorous outposts like this?’ He swept his arm round in a grand gesture. ‘Isn’t this what you were dreaming of when you were scraping baby poo off the floor?’

  ‘Actually, no,’ Katy admitted, slumping her chin down on her hand, ‘but I just didn’t expect to feel like this.’

  ‘Please don’t make me do it, Katy, I beg you.’

  ‘Make you do what?’

  ‘Ask you how you are coping without having a pooing, weeing, burping, yakking machine attached to your thigh? If Lynn comes into a meeting once more and gives you that “we working mums are in this together and isn’t it soooo hard without our babies attached to us and no-one else understands” look, I might have to throttle the pair of you. And if she tells me once more she has to leave at four fifty-five p.m. precisely because it costs her a trillion pounds a nanosecond if she is late picking up at nursery, I will throw her out of the window.’ Daniel took a breath then jabbed his finger at Katy. ‘It’s your choice, my girl. Please don’t allow it to affect my working life. And I know about difficult choices. Being gay isn’t a choice, but choosing to be out and proud is. It’s the lifestyle decision I have made but I don’t expect the rest of the world to let me go home early because of it.’ He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms resolutely.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ said Katy, ‘where did that come from?’

  ‘It’s just that all too often people make choices and expect the rest of the world to make allowances. I don’t think that’s fair.’

  ‘Mmmm,’ she said, settling her chin on her hand again.

  ‘So why the face that looks like you woke up on Christmas morning and discovered Santa has left you a knitting pattern?’ Daniel asked eventually when Katy showed no interest in making polite chitchat.

  ‘I have no idea what is going on,’ she said, turning to look at him with a look of bewilderment.

  ‘No change there then,’ he replied.

  ‘Seriously,’ said Katy. ‘It’s like there is some whole parallel universe going on whilst I’m at work and Ben refuses to tell me anything. He just says “fine” when I ask him how his day’s been, nothing else. And . . . and weird things keep happening.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Well, first it was the steriliser going missing.’

  ‘The steriliser?’

  ‘Yes. I got home on my first day back at work and it wasn’t there. It had totally vanished. And it’s not as though it’s a small thing that can be easily mislaid. It stands out a mile.’

  ‘Don’t they do coordinated baby equipment to blend in with the sage and taupe colour scheme in your kitchen? asked Daniel.

  ‘No, they don’t. It’s blue and white.’

  ‘Hideous,’ Daniel shuddered. ‘So did you ask Ben where it was?’

  ‘Well, he went to the pub as soon as I got home and then when I saw him later he was so defensive about his day I didn’t dare ask him in case he thought I was accusing him of something. But when I got up the next morning, there it was. Back in its place as if it had been there all the time.’

  ‘Mmmm, the case of the missing steriliser. I can see why that has turned your world upside down. I have no idea how you are sleeping at night if you have random domestic appliances vanishing and reappearing apparently of their own volition.’

  ‘But it’s not just that,’ said Katy. ‘I got home last night, and . . .’ She paused and blew her cheeks out.

  ‘And what?’ demanded Daniel. ‘Had your hairbrush been moved? Oh my God, it’s a crisis.’

  ‘Daniel, I could smell perfume when I walked in.’

  ‘Which brand?’

  ‘I don’t know. Why’s that relevant?’

  ‘Gives us scale, of course. Cheap stuff and I think you can relax, we can deal with that. Expensive designer brand and you may not be able to compete.’

  ‘Why do I ever share my problems with you, tell me again?’

  ‘You love my clinical honesty.’

  ‘So you agree then that Ben has already installed another woman?’

  ‘I didn’t say that. Answer the question. Cheap or expensive perfume?’

  ‘Cheap, definitely cheap.’

  ‘Was the flat tidy?’

  ‘Well, funny you should say that. I did notice that it was definitely tidier than normal.’

  ‘Well, isn’t it obvious then?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘He’s employed a cleaner.’

  ‘We can’t afford a cleaner. Besides, there was something even more worrying. When I turned on the telly it was on ITV. How weird is that?’

  ‘You turned the telly on and it was on one of the most watched channels in the UK. Average thirty percent market share at any given time, rising to forty percent in daytime. Do you never listen to the boring presentations the media guys do?’

  ‘But this is Ben. He’s not average. If he is in control of the TV he watches sports channels, period. Daytime ITV? Never in a month of Sundays.’

  ‘Perhaps he put something on for Millie.’

  ‘This Morning, Loose Women? I don’t think so. It’s just not him is it?’

  ‘So let’s examine the evidence,’ said Daniel. ‘A vanishing steriliser, an unreliable level of tidiness, cheap perfume and ITV.’

  ‘What does it mean?’ Katy demanded.

  ‘Haven’t a clue,’ replied Daniel. ‘Just ask him. Put yourself out of this misery. I can’t bear to work with someone with a face like that.’

  ‘I asked him if he’d had any visitors and he said no, which is clearly a lie, and he was very vague about what he did all day.’

  ‘Well, if you’re convinced he’s lying then that is a whole different ball game.’

  ‘But why would he, and who is it?’

  ‘Do you have any cheap-looking neighbours?’

  ‘Not really. They’re all career couples or dull, single auditors.’

  ‘Auditors are always single,’ stated Daniel.

  ‘Goes with the job,’ Katy agreed.

  ‘Anyone shown an unlikely interest in him recently? It’s bound to be someone you know.’

  Katy started to shake her head then slowly turned to face Daniel.

  ‘Abby!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘Abby?’ Daniel echoed. ‘What kind of woman is an Abby? You cannot go down to an Abby.’

  ‘She’s a friend of Charlene’s. We met her at the registry office. The cheeky cow invited him on a night out under my nose. I couldn’t believe it.’

  ‘Well, if we’re only dealing with an Abby, I reckon you’ve got it licked. You could beat an Abby in a showdown any day.’

  ‘Hang on a minute, I’m not sure it is her yet, and I’m not even sure what it is. I can hardly go steaming in with wild accusations based on a whiff of perfume and a TV channel.’

  ‘True’, it sounds a bit thin. Supporting evidence is what you need. How are things between you and Ben generally? Have you noticed any changes in behaviour?’

  ‘We’ve just had a baby, Daniel. Everything has changed.’

  ‘I know, I know, and obviously the lead-up to the birth was fairly traumatic, what with the whole sex-with-Matthew thing.’

  ‘Thanks for bringing that up.’

  ‘You’re welcome. Do you think that’s it? Is he getting his own back for the whole sex-with-Matthew thing?’

  ‘Please do not say sex and Matthew again. That’s all behind us now.’

  ‘Is it really? You all back to normal now?’

  ‘As I said. As normal as we can be given that we have a baby.’

  ‘And sex?’

  ‘Oh, don’t you bloody start.’

  ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask if we are trying to establish the likelihood of your fiancé having an affair.’

  ‘No, the sex is not back to normal, but I would like to reiterate, I have just had a baby!’

  ‘Alright, I can tell it’s a
touchy subject. So would you say you were having sex slightly less than normal, less than normal, much less than normal, or are the cobwebs forming?’

  Katy looked away.

  ‘Last time?’

  ‘A few months ago.’

  ‘Months! Shit, Katy.’

  ‘We’ve been busy, okay? Stuff’s happened. There’s never been the right time.’

  ‘There has never been the right time to have sex with your boyfriend to stop him having sex with Abby?’ Daniel shrieked.

  ‘Shhhhhhhhh,’ she muttered as a crowd of men in boiler suits walked through reception, their ears pricking up at the man in the posh suit shrieking the word ‘sex’ every five minutes.

  ‘He’s not having sex with Abby,’ said Katy firmly under her breath.

  ‘But what about the missing steriliser?’

  ‘What’s that got to do with it?’

  ‘I’ve no idea, but you haven’t stopped harping on about it since we got here.’

  ‘I wish I’d never mentioned it now.’

  ‘You and me both,’ huffed Daniel.

  They fell into silence. Daniel got up and strode across the reception so he could go and turn his nose up at the framed photos of employee of the month.

  ‘So what happened in November and December, do you think?’ he whispered when he sat back down.

  ‘What are you talking about now?’

  ‘There’s no employee of the month for November and December. Why’s that?’

  ‘I don’t know and I don’t really care,’ she replied.

  ‘You can’t just forget to do employee of the month, can you? You have to do it monthly or else it makes a mockery of the entire thing.’

  ‘Guess so.’

  ‘I mean, the message it sends is that you are prepared to share with everyone who walks through here that not one of your employees was deemed worthy of employee of the month for two whole months. Either that or the management just could not be bothered to award it. Either way it looks bad. Wouldn’t you say it looks bad?’

  ‘If you say so.’

  ‘They shouldn’t introduce these things if they can’t keep them up.’

  ‘You’re right, I suppose.’

  ‘You know what you need?’ said Daniel, putting an arm round her drooping shoulders.

  ‘What?’ Katy sniffed.

  ‘A night out at Cocktail Emporium with Ben. A couple of Dang Dang Whisky Slider Bombs, and to be honest I could literally shag anything.’

  ‘Are you suggesting that I have to get Ben drunk for him to have sex with me?’

  ‘Er, yep.’

  ‘Daniel!’

  ‘Any better ideas?’ he asked. ‘Look, you’ve been through a lot, the pair of you, and you just need to break the seal. Get it over with and you’ll be fine. Get out there as Katy and Ben, not the personality drained baby monitors you’ve become.’

  ‘But it’s not that straightforward,’ she protested.

  ‘Why isn’t it?’

  ‘Well, we need a babysitter for a start.’

  ‘I’ll babysit.’

  ‘You?’

  ‘Yes, me.’

  ‘You hate babies.’

  ‘I do not,’ protested Daniel. ‘I just couldn’t abide one of my own.’

  ‘You wouldn’t know what to do.’

  ‘You can leave me instructions, can’t you? It can’t be that hard. Dealing with brand manager cretins every day is hard. Spending time with someone who is not blinkered by social norms and conventions sounds like a dream come true to me.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes. Now stop looking at me like that. Tell me a night and I’ll book you a table with Carlos.’

  ‘Carlos?’

  ‘Owner of the Cocktail Emporium. Goodness me, how long have you been out of the loop if you don’t know who Carlos is?’

  ‘Too long.’

  ‘Clearly. Dang Dang Whisky Slider Bombs,’ he reminded her, patting her knee as the Brand Manager for Crispy Bix emerged out of the lift at the far end of the reception. ‘Known to cure all ills. Physical, mental and sexual. We’ll have you back in the saddle in no time. Louise!’ he said, leaping up and embracing the mousy-haired twenty-something in a bear hug. ‘You are like the kiss from a rainbow in this world of mediocrity. A bowl of cereal with lukewarm milk awaits us in the boardroom, no doubt? Shall we?’ He swivelled to offer Louise his arm, which she took, throwing a petrified look at Katy. It was going to be a difficult meeting, thought Katy.

  Chapter Sixteen

  ‘Gents’ toilets. Now!’ demanded Matthew as he strode up to Ian’s desk. He turned on his heel and walked off before Ian had the chance to respond in any way. It was still only eight-thirty and the office was virtually empty, apart from the people who were keen to get ahead on emails before the day started, those escaping the morning hell of getting children off to school, or those surprised by an unusually quick drive into work, leaving them wondering what to do with the extra twenty minutes added to their day. Ian was in the latter category and had been sending crude texts to Becki before Matthew claimed Ian’s bonus time for his own.

  He finally caught up with Matthew on the second-floor landing of the five-storey building they worked in.

  ‘Fifth floor,’ said Matthew grimly, striding past the toilets right next to them and making for the stairs.

  Bloody hell, thought Ian. Whatever it was that Matthew needed to talk to him about, it was serious. The fifth floor was occupied by the senior partners and board members. The gents up there were rarely used, as it was considered that once you got that senior, having to pee next to another human being was below you, and thus many of the offices had en-suites. Your very own toilet was a massive status symbol at Hearst & Wycombe, generally more sought after than a corner office. It did, however, mean that the toilets on this floor were one of the few places you could achieve privacy in the building. Useful for clandestine meetings, or if you were Ian, somewhere to have a quick kip if you’d been up all night experiencing the wonders of Becki.

  ‘To what do we owe the pleasure of a trip to the fifth-floor toilets this morning?’ he enquired, watching Matthew go straight to the sinks, lean both hands on the surface and take several deep breaths.

  ‘I am so fucked,’ he breathed eventually.

  ‘I thought we had this out the other day,’ Ian said. ‘You’re not fucked. That’s the whole problem. Seriously, I’m buying you a waterbed for your birthday.’

  Matthew turned and faced him.

  ‘You don’t understand,’ he said. ‘It’s happening all over again.’

  ‘You look pale, mate. What’s happening again?’’

  ‘Katy.’

  ‘Katy? You are kidding me, right?’

  ‘No,’ said Matthew, shaking his head as if he couldn’t believe it himself. ‘I’m not.’

  ‘So? What? You’ve seen her again? She’s dumping the baby on you? What?’

  ‘Worse than that. It’s Alison.’

  ‘Alison! Fuck me, she knows, doesn’t she? She found out. You are screwed for a shag now, mate, I’m telling you.’

  ‘No, she doesn’t know. But she’s seeing Ben. Remember Ben? Katy’s boyfriend.’

  ‘Seeing Ben?’ repeated Ian. ‘Are you sure? How do you know?’

  ‘She told me.’

  ‘What kind of seeing?’

  ‘Just seeing. Well, I think it’s just seeing. Katy’s gone back to work, so Ben’s staying home to look after the baby, apparently. Alison caught up with him somehow through the antenatal class and he’s only gone and asked her to help him.’

  ‘Help him do what?’

  ‘Look after the baby!’

  ‘Whose baby?’

  ‘His baby, of course.’

  Ian faltered then decided to plough in.

  ‘Alison’s helping Ben look after the baby that could be your baby?’

  Matthew raised his eyes from the floor where he had been mindlessly gazing at the grey grouting. The two men stared at each other.
The door behind Ian swung open and a cleaner popped her head around the door.

  ‘How long will you be?’ she barked. ‘I need to get this floor done by nine.’

  ‘Could be a while,’ said Ian, not taking his eyes off Matthew. ‘I’d skip ‘em’ today, if I were you. We won’t tell anyone.’

  ‘Right you are,’ she replied. ‘I’ll leave the Cleaning in Progress sign outside for a bit whilst I go out for a fag. Just don’t fall over it when you come out.’

  ‘No worries.’ Ian threw her a casual wave. He and Matthew continued to stare at each other in silence until they heard the door swing shut.

  ‘I mean what on earth is Ben thinking, asking Alison of all people to help him,’ said Matthew raking his hands through his hair. ‘How could he be so stupid?’

  ‘So hang on a minute,’ said Ian. ‘I have to say, I’ve lost track a bit, this is so complicated. Let me get this right. Ben knows you shagged Katy?’

  ‘Yes,’ confirmed Matthew.

  ‘So the only person who doesn’t know is Alison?’

  ‘Yes. That’s why none of this makes any sense. Ben hates me. The last time I saw him he punched me. Why would he willingly walk back into our lives?’

  ‘Revenge?’

  ‘Seriously!’ exclaimed Matthew. ‘Come on. We’re grown-ups. People don’t do stuff like that. Do they?’

  ‘Well, I’ve never met Ben. Do you think he’d seduce Alison just to get his own back on you?’

  ‘No!’ said Matthew, shaking his head violently. ‘He may be a lot of things, but I can’t see him doing that.’

  ‘Mmm,’ said Ian, deep in thought. ‘So what kind of guy is he, then?’

  ‘Well, he’s young. A lot younger than Katy. Maybe late twenties. He was working as a PE teacher at Castle Hill but clearly he’s jacked that in. He was just your typical, sport-obsessed kind of guy. Not a lot more to him, really.’

  ‘So young, fit . . . good-looking?’

  ‘Shit . . . how should I know? He’s a bloke.’

  ‘Muscly?’

  ‘I’ve no idea. I never spent much time looking at his body.’

  ‘And how did he get on with Alison?’

  ‘Enough, Ian. We are not going down this road. Alison and Ben together is ridiculous. Total opposites. You know Alison. She likes the finer things in life and she likes things just so. Ben’s happy as a pig in shit with a tinny in front of Match of the Day.’