Plotting Mr. Perfect

by S. E. Babin

  She patted his whiskered cheek, and Albert winked at her. He grabbed her hands, surprisingly nimble for an old man, and forced her to stand. Katie wobbled on her feet, but allowed herself to be pulled into Albert’s arms. He stepped away from her and broke into a Russian Trepak dance, and Katie finally lost it. She’d never seen an elderly man so flexible and watching him squat-kick dance around the circular floor the crowd had made for him was one of the coolest things she’d ever witnessed. Katie broke out into hysterical laughter as she clapped in time to the music change.

  Albert flew around her in a circle, squatting and kicking his way around until he stood, bowed to the utter adoration of the crowd and flung his leather thong off before Katie had the chance to shut her eyes.

  The screaming inside the club rivaled an NFL game. Katie looked up at the ceiling to avoid looking at his goodies, but Albert threw his arms in the air and screamed, “Katie Walker!”

  She stared into his still amused twinkling eyes. Reluctantly, she looked down his hairy chest until she noticed that right over his crotch was a spinning sign that read, Bang! She clutched her stomach in laughter and held her arms out to Albert. He stepped into them, patted her back heartily, and whispered in her ear with a thick accent, “Happy wedding, Katie Walker!” He bowed a few more times and strutted away from them, his saggy rear end swaying to and fro. Katie stood there in shock, still laughing for a few more moments until the DJ kicked back up the normal music again. She found her way back to her seat to the amused glances of her friends.

  Katie spread her arms wide. “I admit it. Albert is a pretty awesome dude. Where’d you meet him?”

  Mel chuckled and hammered another shot. “Albert works in my office.”

  Katie choked on her sip of beer. “Albert is a scientist?” Four pairs of wide eyes stared into Mel’s smug ones.

  Mel nodded and saluted them with her empty shot glass. “Brilliant dude right there.”

  “And flexible,” Sherry chimed in.

  “He’s on loan from Russia right now. One of his hobbies is traditional Russian dance, but that right there was a surprise. No idea he was going to bust those moves out.”

  Katie laughed in surprise. “It goes to show you never really know what people are going to do.”

  Mel’s eyes dimmed. “A truer statement has never been uttered. Everyone raise your glass. To Katie!”

  Her gorgeous friends all raised their shot glasses and beers and shouted, “To Katie!”

  Mel continued, her voice slurring as she tried to form her words. “A truer, braver, sweeter friend could never be found.” Mel tilted her glass. “And I hope that you have found the man that makes your soul burn.”

  Katie’s mouth twisted, but she forced a smile around it. A small frown formed between Candace’s brows, but she quickly smoothed her expression. Katie noticed as she looked around the table at her friends. Sherry blinked and Piper’s glance cut to Katie. The pause lasted for a beat too long. Katie took a fortifying breath and clinked glasses with Mel and the rest of the ladies. They all drank, the moment forgotten for now.

  * * * *

  There was a woman being pushed in a wheelbarrow smack in the middle of downtown. Will blinked, rubbed his eyes, looked at his beer, then back at the group of obviously intoxicated ladies pushing their friend. He nudged his sister with an elbow. “Charlie, would you look at that?”

  Charlie turned her head and laughed out loud. “What the hell?” She pulled him by the arm. “Let’s go talk to them!” Will allowed himself to be led, but his footsteps slowed as he recognized a wild, curly head of hair. He stopped in the middle of the street with Charlie still pulling on his arm.

  “Will, come on!” Charlie’s eyebrows lifted as she caught his expression. She looked back to the woman in the wheelbarrow, then back to Will, who stared over at the scene. “Oh, now you have to go. I haven’t seen you look like that in a long, long time.” She pulled him over, chuckling the entire time.

  Will recognized three of the women wobbling in high-heeled boots as they struggled to commandeer the unwieldy wheelbarrow. All of them were giggling hysterically. Katie, the woman inside the wheelbarrow, kicked her bare feet, smiling up at all of them and telling each of them how proud she was to be their friend. Her dildo tiara sat askew on the top of her head and the sash she was wearing was crinkled and covered in candy. It was, literally, one of the craziest things he’d ever seen in his life. Charlie snickered at all of them.

  Katie’s wild-haired friend noticed them first, a bright intoxicated smile on her face that slipped as soon as she saw who was standing in front of her. Will shuffled his feet, his hands in his pockets. Fortunately, Katie hadn’t yet noticed anything out of the ordinary. She tipped up the bottle she was holding loosely in her hand and took a long swig. With surprising flexibility, she reached down and pulled up her leg. She hitched up the bottom of her blue jeans and stared at something written in a circle around her ankle in flowery, delicate script. Katie cooed and touched it gingerly. “Sooo pretty.”

  Her friend glanced down. “I tried to talk her out of that. Leo is going to kill her.” She held out her hand. “By the way, my name’s Mel. It’s about time we finally got on a first-name basis.”

  He shook her hand. “Hey, Mel.” Will twisted his mouth into a semblance of a smile, even though he wanted to do nothing more than run away from the scene. “We had no idea it was you. Charlie wanted to see the crazy people.”

  Mel snorted. “I’ve had the opportunity to sober up a little bit, enough to speak coherently, but Katie here—not so much.”

  The rest of the women stepped forward and Mel made quick introductions, Katie still clueless in the wheelbarrow. Will introduced his sister, standing beside him with a look of disbelief and stark curiosity in her eyes.

  “So, where did the wheelbarrow come from?” Charlie stepped closer to Katie and leaned down.

  “You wouldn’t believe some of the random things a guy named Skull keeps in the storage closet of his tattoo parlor,” said Mel in dead seriousness.

  Will looked around. “Aren’t you worried about cops?”

  “I called in advance and warned them. Now, I had no idea we’d wind up pushing Drunkie in a wheelbarrow down the middle of a public street, but weird shit happens around Katie here.” Nods all around. “They were surprisingly understanding about it, but Katie is going to have to sign about a hundred and fifty copies of her book when she sobers up.”

  Will looked over at his sister examining the new tattoo on Katie’s ankle. A shocked look appeared on her face. Will narrowed his eyes and he mouthed, What? but his sister shook her head once and turned back to Katie. A wide sloppy grin was spread across her face as she reached over and touched Charlie’s hair.

  “I’m Katie.” She stuck her hand out and Charlie grasped it.

  His sister introduced herself. Katie looked around the crowd until the inevitable happened. She noticed who was standing right in front of her. Her mouth turned down and she shoved her bottle out at him. “You!”

  Will stepped back at the vehemence in her voice. Katie tried to clamber out of the wheelbarrow but seemed to possess little physical dexterity. Instead, she sat back like a queen in her throne and glared at him. “I’m drunk,” she finally said and tucked her vodka down beside her waist.

  “No kidding,” Will said. He stepped up and leaned down to look at her ankle. The words, Adieu, Sera, were wrapped around her delicate ankle. Brilliantly colored vines and flowers intertwined around the words. It was beautiful, but he had no idea what it meant.

  “So, a tattoo?” He couldn’t help but laugh. She was completely snockered. He reached over to adjust her tiara, but her hair was so tangled up in it that all he did was make it worse. Katie reached up and grasped his hand. She rubbed it against her cheek.

  “I’m getting married.”

  Will sighed. “I know, Katie.”

  “I would have married you.” His sister stiffened beside him. He felt the weight of her accusing st
are against his face.

  Will’s mouth dropped open in shock. The silence around them turned deafening and he paused long enough to gather his thoughts. The quiet whispers of Katie’s friends roiled around him. He tried for humor in this case. “We’d have to get along for us to get married.” Will ignored the rest of them. He sat down on the curb beside the wheelbarrow, bringing him face-to-face with her.

  Katie pouted. “Maybe if you weren’t such an asshat all the time.”

  His sister snorted and tried to cough to cover up her laughter. Mel sat down beside him, one hand placed upon his forearm. She leaned over and whispered, “Tread lightly, Will. If we’re lucky, she won’t remember this tomorrow.”

  Katie leaned over the wheelbarrow, her head lolling, and pointed at Mel. “I’m pretty sure Mel is in love with Leo.” Inhaled gasps came from Katie’s friends, but she waved it away. “Are you kidding me?” she yelled. “You’d have to be blind not to see the fire burning between them!” Mel blushed scarlet.

  Will stared at Katie’s friend. “What the hell?” he asked, anger evident in his voice.

  She had the grace to look abashed. “It’s so much more complicated than you could ever imagine, Will.”

  Katie smiled then. “I love her. She’s my bestest friend in the world. And she made a mistake. No more of that hanky panky, right, Mel?” She waggled her finger at Mel, but Mel stood up and grasped the wheelbarrow, ready to walk away.

  “Wait,” Katie screeched.

  Mel stopped and leaned down. “This is a bad idea, Katie. We have to go.”

  Will watched their interplay. This had gotten out of hand. Leo and Mel? He should go over to Katie’s house right now and choke the life out of him.

  Katie reached out for Will’s hand. He grasped it, missing the feel of her in his arms. “Did you read my book, Will?”

  He shook his head. Katie looked outraged. “Why the hell not? I poured my heart and soul into that book!”

  “I couldn’t bear to, Katie. It was just another piece of you that would haunt me at night.”

  His sister took Piper and Candace by the arm, and motioned for Sherry to follow them. She led everyone off down the street. Mel noticed and gave Will a long look before trailing after them.

  Katie sighed and played with a long, curly strand of hair. “Why did you have to be so stupid?” She kicked her bare feet and shivered. Will looked through the wheelbarrow for her trouser socks. He took one of her bare feet and slipped the sock on. He took his time with the other sock, careful not to jostle her new tattoo. She hissed as he hit a tender spot.

  Will took off his jacket and covered her with it. “I lost mine somewhere,” she murmured.

  “Your shoes?” he asked when he couldn’t find them.

  She nodded her head in slow motion. “Lost somewhere. I love those shoes.” She sighed. “So ’spensive, too.”

  Will sat back on the curb. “I’m not stupid, you know.”

  Katie snorted and giggled. She was charming even when she was hammered. “You are! I practically threw myself at you in the restaurant when you were with Whorey.”

  “Holly,” Will said in amusement.

  “Whatever.”

  “You’re getting married soon, Katie. I shouldn’t even be talking to you right now, especially with the amount you’ve had to drink.” He shoved his hand through his hair, wondering if he should just get up and push her back over to Mel and take his leave.

  “Mel hired me an elderly stripper named Albert. He was suuuuper flexible.” Flexible came out more like flessible and Will smiled in spite of himself. “But he was like a hundred and fifty years old. I’m pretty sure I have retina burn.”

  He stood. “Let’s get you back over to Mel.”

  She crossed her arms and pouted. “Don’t want to go.” She turned those deadly blue eyes onto his. “Am I making a mistake?” Tears wavered in her eyes and she wiped her nose with the sleeve of her angora sweater.

  He wanted to scream yes, but what good would it do? Instead, he said nothing, only stared at her, drinking in her face and wild, tangled hair. She was the most human thing he’d ever known—flawed, honest, awkward and gorgeous. It was wonderful to see her again, but he almost wished he’d never gone out tonight. His heart was just starting to heal. Seeing her again ripped off the patch on his wounded heart and laid it raw.

  She was the only woman who never pretended with him. She never laid her feelings on the line, but she was always just…Katie. The only real vulnerability he’d ever seen in her was in the pizza parlor. He regretted not leaving with her that night ever since.

  Will shook his head, his jaw tight. She turned away and flung her head back, cracking her head against the back of the wheelbarrow. “Ouch!” She hissed and rubbed the area.

  “Will?” she asked hesitantly after a moment.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Yes?”

  She fished the vodka bottle out and took a long drink. The silence stretched on as Katie looked away. A few moments later, she handed him the bottle and said, “It was always you.” Before he could say anything, her eyes drifted shut and her head lolled until it was resting on her shoulder.

  * * * *

  The car ride home was interesting. Charlie pressed Will multiple times about Katie, but he refused to answer any questions, finally looking at her and barking out a request for silence. Her lips thinned, but she turned away from him.

  A second later, she said, “I had an interesting conversation with Mel. So this was the mysterious neighbor you didn’t want me to meet?”

  Will closed his eyes briefly and begged for patience. He nodded once, and Charlie continued. “She seems utterly charming. Even under the influence of about half a bottle of vodka.”

  Will chuckled in spite of himself, his heart screaming out for Katie.

  “I can honestly say I’ve never seen a cuter woman riding in a wheelbarrow before.” Charlie pulled the visor mirror down and wiped her face.

  Will snorted, and when he glanced over at Charlie he saw a grin spread over her face. She snapped the mirror closed. “The family would love her, you know.”

  Will sobered. “She’s getting married in a week.”

  “Mmm…But she’s not married yet.”

  “For heaven’s sake, Charlie. I’m not about to disrupt Katie’s wedding. She’s not going to remember this tomorrow. We haven’t seen each other in over six months. This was just a short interlude before her big day. It didn’t mean anything.”

  Charlie stiffened. “Will, you are the biggest, dumbest oaf I’ve ever met, and that’s saying something. That woman back there loves you with every ounce of her being. And if you don’t see it, you’re a first-class idiot.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” he grumbled.

  “Of course it matters!” Charlie shouted. “Nothing else has ever mattered as much!”

  “Charlie, I’m warning you, if you tell—”

  “Oh, can it, Will. If you let her get away, you’d be making the biggest mistake of your life. I’m not blind. I can see that Katie loves you. But I can also see how much you love her. The pieces have fallen together, brother. Only a woman can tear someone apart like that. I just wish I knew earlier it was her.”

  Will drove in stony silence. Charlie stared out the window. Just as they were pulling into his condo parking lot, she said, “Will, did you know I took three years of French in college?”

  Will took his keys out of the ignition and shrugged right before he got out of the car. Charlie followed behind him and intertwined her arm with his. “So?”

  “Katie’s tattoo was written in French.”

  Will stiffened, but he still didn’t see what his sister was getting at. “So?” he said again as he fumbled to find the proper key to open his condo.

  “It said, Adieu, Sera.”

  He held the door open for her and tossed his keys onto the long table sitting beside the door. “Get to the point, will you, Charlie? I’m incredibly tired.” Charlie shut the door behind her. Wil
l turned to his sister. He’d never seen her look so sober. “What?” He threw his hands out in exasperation.

  A sad smile touched her lips. “It means Farewell, Will.”

  * * * *

  It took Katie two full days to recover from her bachelorette party. It took even longer than that for her to reveal the unfortunate tattoo she’d gotten. They were sitting on the couch watching a rerun of an old comedy show, Katie’s feet in Leo’s lap. He was rubbing her ankles, when his hand slipped up, exposing the ink. When Leo noticed it, his face shut down.

  After a long moment, Leo reached out and traced the lettering around her ankle, a thoughtful expression beginning to appear on his face. His amber eyes searched her face. “I just want to make sure you know that when I was formed, I came with the ability to translate any language.”

  “Lucky me,” Katie said. “Leo, I’m so, so—”

  He shushed her by placing a finger over her lips. “Don’t apologize, Katie. It is human to act out when under the influence of intoxicants.”

  His words had a strange way of making her feel better about it. She frowned up at him, waiting for him to be furious, but Leo just seemed resigned and in deep thought. “Leo?”

  He focused on her. “Hmmm?”

  “Everything okay?” Katie twisted her hands around each other, unable to hide her nervousness.

  Leo nodded, but seemed distracted. “It will be.” He left her sitting on the couch by herself as he walked to the bedroom. The door shut softly behind him, leaving Katie alone and perplexed trying to figure out exactly what Leo meant by that.