Plotting Mr. Perfect

by S. E. Babin

  Katie sat there with her mouth open, then shook her head. “You, friend, are an idiot.”

  “No, I am awesome. And unless you turn a blind eye to your party and let us skilled planners do our jobs, then I will guarantee you a juggling midget stripper.” Mel raised an eyebrow and stared at Katie.

  Properly chastised, she snorted and raised her hands. “Fine, fine!” She laughed. “I get it. Leave you lovely ladies to it. I’ll sit back, immerse myself in foot rubs and pampering and let you do all the work.”

  “Exactly,” Mel said, kicking off her boots. “Mind if I hang out a bit?”

  Katie eyed her boots. “Seems you already have your answer.”

  Mel laughed. “Dude, give me your remote control. We’re about to get our Netflix binge on.”

  “Nope.” Katie snatched the remote before Mel could get to it. “My house, my couch. My pick!” She pulled up the menu. “Funny mancandy or cerebral drama?”

  “Duh.” Mel rolled her eyes.

  “Mancandy it is.” Katie switched over to the show with two hot brothers and their even hotter muscle car. Hours later she and Mel were still up watching their adventures, a half bottle of wine gone, and both of them boneless on their respective seats.

  * * * *

  A long, low wolf-whistle sounded from behind her. Katie spun around, curling iron clasped in one hand. Leo leaned against the door, arms crossed against his chest. He was wearing a pair of sweats and a smoldering appreciative look. Katie blushed. She turned back to the mirror and unclamped the curling iron, allowing one long, blonde curl to swing down and rest against the top of her breast.

  “Should I be jealous of the midget strippers?” he asked and chuckled as Katie stuck her tongue out at him. He clasped her around the waist and pressed a kiss against the crook of her neck. She smiled and leaned against him. Leo was comfort. And not too hard on the eyes in those low-slung gray sweats.

  “You should be jealous,” Katie said. “I’ve always believed shorter men are one of the least appreciated species.”

  “I beg to differ. I think computer-generated androids who fall to Earth and practically have to beg their soul mates to pay attention to them are the lesser appreciated species.”

  Katie snorted. “Point.” She wrapped another strand of hair around the iron and counted for a few seconds before letting it fall. Tonight was the dreaded bachelorette party. She hadn’t seen much of Mel lately, but it was promised to be “epic,” a word that had Katie shivering in her knee-high boots. She’d taken great care with her appearance tonight. Leo’s whistle made her feel good and showed her the effort didn’t go to waste.

  Dark wash boot-cut jeans encased her legs snugly. A white angora sweater hugged her breasts, its hem resting right at the top of her jeans. A silver sparkled belt was slung across her hips, and her hair fell in wild ringlets across her head. She was taller tonight, thanks to those killer stiletto boots—her one extravagant purchase since receiving the first portion of her advance from Candace. She applied black eyeliner with a light hand, enough to make her blue eyes stand out brilliantly against the black, but not so much she couldn’t wear red lipstick. And wear it, she was. A deep burgundy coated her lips, giving her the appearance of a vixen with a mission. She needed to look like this tonight to brave whatever her friends had in store for her. She had a feeling whatever it was, it would certainly be memorable.

  “You look like Kate Upton,” Leo growled from behind her.

  Katie smiled and shooed Leo away. “I’m going to be late if I don’t get a move on. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  Leo patted her on the rear end and left the room. She put the final touches on, added an extra coat of mascara, and then grabbed her jacket off the rack inside her closet. He was waiting for her in the kitchen. Katie rushed over, gave him a small kiss on the lips and wiped off the redness it left behind. Leo pulled her against him, ravished her lips and pressed a wad of money in her hand.

  Breathless, she stared at it, then back at him. “What’s this for?”

  An enigmatic smile played on his lips. “Mel let me in on what’s going on tonight. Don’t spend your own money, Katie. I’d love to be there to see it, but I won’t intrude on your party.”

  Katie shoved the money in her purse sitting on the counter. “I don’t even want to know.”

  He laughed. “Soon enough you’ll be in the thick of it. Have fun tonight, Katie.”

  Nerves curled in her stomach. She was going to kill Mel if they wound up in jail. “Are you heading out tonight?”

  Leo nodded. “The guys have a bar trip planned for me. I guess we’ll have a few beers and I’ll head back here.” Both of them had agreed to hold their respective parties the week before the wedding to mitigate the chances of anyone showing up to the ceremony hung over. She wasn’t even sure if Leo could get drunk, but Leo insisted he was as human as he was going to get. About once a month he plugged himself in to “recharge” he called it, but other than that, he ate, drank, slept and talked like someone who’d never fallen out of the sky. Being with him was like curling up in your favorite blanket when you’d had a rough day.

  She smiled up at him. “Be careful tonight.”

  Leo laughed. “I don’t think you need to worry about me. I think you need to keep hold of that money and use it to bail you ladies out of jail.” He placed his thumb on her chin and wiped something off. He reached behind him and handed her a paper towel. “Might want to go in the bathroom and fix your face. You’re channeling the Joker right now.”

  Katie took the paper towel and headed into the guest bathroom. Glancing in the mirror, she squeaked with outrage. She dug her lipstick out of her purse and set it on the counter. Katie wet the towel and wiped the lipstick off, but then had to run back into her bathroom and reapply her foundation. “Damn you, Leo!” she shouted as she ran back into her bedroom. “I’m late!”

  “You’ll thank me later,” he called.

  A few minutes later, the sounds of honking came from the driveway, and Katie rushed out of the house with a wave at Leo. She flung herself into Mel’s car and looked over at her.

  “Leo was awfully cryptic about tonight.”

  “Muahahahahaha.” Mel gave Katie an evil grin.

  “Am I going to hate you after tonight?” Katie flipped down the visor mirror and checked her lipstick and teeth one more time. Red lipstick could be murder on teeth.

  “Probably,” Mel said nonchalantly. “By the way, you look smoking hot.”

  Katie wiped a red stain off her teeth. “Thanks. I had a feeling I could hide behind my outwardly hot appearance while I was screaming on the inside.” She looked over at Mel, looking decidedly hot herself. “You, too, chick. Got a hot date tonight?”

  Mel winked at her. “Yup. She’s sitting right next to me.” She pulled out of the driveway and headed the short distance to pick up Piper and Sherry. Once they were situated, the noise level increased exponentially. And the booze hadn’t even started yet.

  Mel swung the vehicle into a hotel parking lot. At Katie’s curious glance, Mel just smiled and told her to wait. A few moments later, Katie saw a dark-haired woman walk out of the lobby and walk toward the car.

  Katie rolled down the window. “Holy crap! Candace?”

  Candace waved. “I couldn’t very well let my star client break her leg on a stripper pole tonight, could I?”

  Katie blinked. “Who said anything about stripper poles?”

  Mel winked at Candace and put her index finger over her lips in a shhh gesture. Candace’s eyes widened, but she opened the back door and climbed in. Mel drove off and Katie’s apprehension grew until Mel looked over and punched her in the shoulder.

  “Relax, nitwit. This is a bachelorette party. Look up those words in the dictionary and the definition will be fun. We promise to get you back in mostly one piece with most of your clothes on.”

  “I feel better already,” Katie said dryly. But she began to relax. Half an hour later, they pulled into the parking lot of a
restaurant she’d never heard of—Rossignol. Black awnings hung elegantly from the roof. Golden lights twinkled against the trees and angel trumpets bloomed brilliantly in several baskets hung around the property. It was a cold December night and Katie pulled her jacket around her even tighter as she stepped out of the car.

  They hurried in and were seated by a handsome host who handed them heavy menus embellished in gold. The ladies took their coats off and made themselves comfortable. “We’ll eat first and then head over to the hotel so we can drop our things off,” Mel said.

  Katie turned sharply to Mel. “Hotel? I didn’t even bring a bag.”

  Mel winked. “Leo packed it for you. It’s in the trunk of my car.”

  Katie blinked, unsure at this turn of events. “Okay. I give up and in.”

  “Finally.” Mel sighed dramatically. She ordered two bottles of wine when the waiter came back over and they fell into small talk with each other. Katie chatted with Candace about her new plans for an upcoming story, and Mel regaled them with tales about her research into cannabis. All of the women stared at her disbelievingly until Piper chimed in, “Sooo, did you bring any weed?”

  The table fell silent as everyone stared at Mel. She lowered her head and whispered, “Maybe.” Loud snickers rang out around the table, resulting in some disapproving looks by the yuppie patrons scattered in the same area.

  Dinner came and went. After the ladies had checked into the hotel, Katie dug through her bag to make sure Leo had included everything. She noticed her toothbrush in there. A normal man would have forgotten everything important. Leo had even placed her curling iron and a bottle of water in her bag. She shook her head and zipped the bag back up.

  “Everyone ready?” Mel yelled out. At everyone’s affirmative response, Mel slipped a box out of her suitcase and told Katie to sit down on the bed. It was like Mary Poppins’ purse. A bright purple tiara with a blue veined dildo atop it came out. Then a purple sash that read Second Smartest Bitch Alive, Oh and Bachelorette, too, followed by several hundred pieces of candy.

  Katie stared at all of it for a second before saying, “I understand everything except for the candy.”

  Mel looked at her as she dug around in the bag and flung out a pack of safety pins.

  “Ummm,” said Katie. “That didn’t help.”

  Piper, Sherry, Candace and Mel converged on her and each grabbed a handful of candy and safety pins. Katie was about to run when Mel took a hold of her sash and pinned a piece of candy to her. At her quizzical look, Mel explained.

  “When people want a piece of candy, they have to pay you. So they take the candy off, then pin a dollar to you.”

  Katie felt dubious. “So that sounds like a good fundraiser, but what stops me from getting beat up by the guy who ran out of beer money and sees some poor schmuck like me stumbling around like a money tree?”

  Mel rolled her eyes. “Over-dramatic much? You aren’t going to get beat up. Everyone loves a bachelorette.”

  About fifteen minutes later, Katie stood, the sound of crinkling wrappers in her ears every time she moved. “I don’t know about this.”

  Piper jumped in. “There are over four hundred pieces of candy there! If you sold every single one of them, you’d pay for part of that lovely dress you bought.”

  Katie frowned but then shrugged it off. “I’m only going to do this once, right?”

  “That’s the spirit!” Mel yelled. “Let’s go. There should be a cab waiting for us outside.”

  * * * *

  The club was loud and dark. It made Katie feel uncomfortable and long for her pajamas and a glass of wine. Mel pulled her by the arm and marched her to the bar. “Loosen up! You look like we took you into a funeral home.”

  Katie apologized and had to repeat herself when Mel screamed “What?” in her ear. Piper and Sherry snagged a table while they were getting the drinks. After an indecent wait, they elbowed their way back to the table with an armful of drinks. Katie had only drunk a couple of glasses of wine at dinner, but between the time it took for the cab ride to the hotel and the candy experiment, any lingering effects were long gone. She switched over to beer, hoping it would fill her up so she didn’t get tempted to start downing shots. Although, from the way Piper, Candace and Sherry were getting on, she didn’t think that was too far away. Those girls together were like a house on fire—Candace fit right in.

  She took a sip of her beer, allowed her shoulders to drop, and scoped out the club. Multi-colored stage lights highlighted the crowd, giving everyone an eerie rainbow appearance. The band was playing a good mix of upbeat music. Katie hadn’t danced in months…since Will. Thinking about him caused her to take another deep swallow of her beer and wish for a memory spell that could erase his existence from her mind because every time she thought about him, her heart lurched and ached. She turned to Mel, who was watching her with an empathetic smile. Katie shrugged and gave in to the inevitable. “Shots?”

  Enthusiastic shouts came from all around. Once the harried waitress made her way over, Mel ordered two lemon drop shots for everyone, complete with sugar and a lemon wedge. Booze, came Katie’s last coherent thought, the best memory spell on the planet.

  Chapter 15

  Vodka roared through Katie’s system, strong enough to clear her mind of anything but the goal of the party—fun and maybe even debauchery as the night went. They still sat around the table Piper had snagged, no one brave enough to get up for fear of losing it to the multiple people milling around the table and giving them the hairy eyeball. Mel leaned over, grabbed her forearm and slurred, “Are you ready for the real party to start?”

  “It hasn’t already started?” Katie nodded, the booze wiping away the fear and giving her a giddy sense of anticipation about what was to come.

  “You’re such a good sport and I love you.” Mel patted her on the cheek, her brown eyes too bright and wide. She excused herself, swaying through the crowd until she disappeared.

  Candace leaned over giggling. “I know what she’s doooing,” she said in a singsong voice.

  Piper and Sherry chimed in. “Us, tooooo!”

  “Am I going to be scared?”

  Piper nodded, Sherry shook her head no and Candace snort-giggled. All of a sudden, the stage lights brightened directly over their table. A loud voice boomed over the speaker. “Katie? Katie Walker! Everyone listen up! This famous bitch right here is getting married! And her best friend Mel has a big surprise for her. Ya’ll ready to see it?” The crowd roared.

  Katie covered her eyes with an arm, trying to see onto the stage. All she could make out was a wild-haired figure waving like crazy. Mel. Katie laughed and waved back. It had to be a stripper. Was it legal to hire a stripper on public grounds? She didn’t know, but she knew Mel probably didn’t care.

  Mel’s voice came over the speaker. “Katie refused to let me hire a midget stripper.” A chorus of boos rang out through the club. “Right?” Mel let out a high-pitched vodka-induced giggle. “So then she also doesn’t like real strippers!” Louder boos and hisses came from everywhere around her. “This required some serious thought. No midgets, no regular strippers. She really cut down our pool to choose from, right?”

  Screams of “What an asshole!” and “Right!” rang out.

  “Sooooo,” she drawled out, “I thought about Katie—what she likes, what she doesn’t like and I merged them into the next best thing. Ya’ll put your hands together for Albert Borowksi!”

  Everyone at the table dissolved into hiccupping laughter. The crowd was going insane. A man shrouded in darkness came out onto the stage. Light poured against his back, casting him in shadow and sparking Katie’s curiosity. The club plunged into darkness, the strains of Closer by Nine Inch Nails screaming through the speakers. She clenched her beer bottle, nervous giggles pouring from her as she waited for the other shoe to drop.

  A long minute later, the lights clicked back on and an elderly gentleman dressed in steam punk goggles and leather overalls stood in fro
nt of her.

  “Jesus,” Katie whispered. The noise in the club was so loud, she couldn’t even think.

  Chants of “Albert, Albert, Albert,” kept in time with the music. Katie stared in horror at Albert. He was at least seventy—and that was Katie being generous. White curly hair punctuated his beefy chest, much more hair than he had on the top of his head. Merry blue eyes twinkled out at her and as he smiled, Katie noted Albert was missing a couple of teeth.

  “Are you ready for this, sweet cheeks?” Albert started shimmying back and forth, toying with the leather straps of his overalls.

  “Albert, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for this.” Katie sighed, wishing she’d had about twelve more shots. I’m going to murder Mel, she thought.

  By then her friends were doubled over the table laughing hysterically in between chants of “Albert, take it off!”

  Mel finally came back to the table, holding a tray full of more shots. She put three in front of Katie and doled the rest out to the other ladies. She said nothing to Katie, only watching her warily as she played waitress. Katie stared at her, willing her to look, but when she did, Katie couldn’t stop her lips from twitching.

  “I will pay you back for this. In spades.” Albert gyrated in her peripheral vision, trying to get her attention. Feathers flew into her field of vision and wrapped gently around her neck, forcing her to pay attention to the show.

  Mel lost it. “Oh. My. God,” she said in between loud guffaws. “You should see your face.”

  “I’m going to kill you for this. Hand me another shot.” Katie tried to look left, look right, up at the ceiling, anywhere other than at Albert, who was now turned around and bent double, shaking his elderly ass in the air like he just didn’t care. Mel placed the glass in her hand and Katie shot it down, not even caring about the lemon or sugar on the table. She motioned at Mel again, who obliged by placing another of the glasses in her willing hands.

  Albert was still bent over shaking it, when suddenly his pants flew off and Katie had a face full of leather thong underwear. She blinked, choked, and reached blindly for another shot. Candace stood and began wolf-whistling. Everyone surrounding their table was in hysterics by now. As the vodka warmed up Katie’s stomach and the music shifted to yet another predictable stripper song, she began to clap and enjoy herself. Honestly, you had to be all kinds of brave to step up and be Albert. He turned to face her, now only wearing goggles and his leather underwear. He leaned closer to her, grasping the black feather boa by the ends and rubbing it across her neck. Katie noticed Albert smelled pleasant. Thank goodness.