Submission is Not Enough Kobo

by Lexi Blake

  Erin kicked out, catching Hottie Solider in the gut. He held his ground, but didn’t counter attack.

  In the background, she could hear something about finding someone. Probably Phoebe, who apparently was either in possession of way better intel than Erin had given her credit for or she was awesome in the sack because this was some serious overkill. She couldn’t pay too much attention to that though. She had to take out the guy—who likely wouldn’t date her after she dropped his ass in the middle of a mission—and then kill the dude who was threatening her partner.

  She coughed as smoke hit her lungs and her tango leapt on the opportunity. He grabbed her wrist, twisting her around so he could haul her against his body.

  “Calm down, wild cat,” he whispered in her ear. “Like I said, this is all over in a few minutes and then I’ll leave you to your day.”

  She shoved back and broke his hold with ease, putting her elbow right into his solar plexus. Despite all the gear he was wearing, there was no body armor to impede her. He immediately let go and was back on his ass.

  He was still treating her like a civilian, giving her a couple of inches of rope she firmly intended to tie him up with. She glanced to her left and Li was still there. It was time to forget about her horniness and save her partner. He needed some chaos.

  She turned to run at Li’s guy, since hers seemed unwilling to hurt her, so she maintained the advantage. He would be slow and try to be careful with her. She wasn’t going to give the dude with a gun to Li’s head the same courtesy.

  He was looking away. She could get in behind him and knock him to the side, then Li would be free to deball the dude. She was almost there when her whole body went flying. She hit the hardwoods with a jarring thwack and wished like hell Big Tag believed in carpet. That had hurt.

  A massive body pressed her into the ground. “I said stay down, Red. I swear to god if you hit me one more time I’m not responsible for my actions. Fucking shitass job.”

  She squirmed underneath him, trying to bring her leg up. All around them chaos was going on. Jesse was saying no to someone and there was yelling she was starting to be able to hear pretty clearly, but all that mattered right now was flipping Hottie over and getting her partner off his knees.

  “Get off me.”

  “Do you want me to handcuff you?” His voice was low and against her ear, the warmth of his breath making her shiver.

  “Do you want me to cut off your balls and shove them down your throat?” They were probably big if that was his cock rubbing against her ass and not an extra weapon. She moved against him and heard him groan. Yep. That was a big dick she should probably be offended by, but it was good to know the heat of battle didn’t work only on her.

  “Please stop squirming like that. It’s disconcerting. I’m sorry. I get a little excited when it comes to a mission. I think it’s all the damn adrenaline, but I’m disturbed because you’re married to my brother.”

  She stopped. Who the hell was he? Oh, no. No. No. It must have been the red hair, the smoke, and the fact that he hadn’t been expecting another red-haired female operative. “I’m not Charlotte Taggart, you infant.”

  It was one of the baby Taggarts, and now she was the one who felt like throwing up. They were practically teenagers. There went all her daydreams. He was maybe twenty-four. Maybe.

  “Get off me.” She wasn’t going to ever admit he’d gotten her hot.

  “When the op is done,” he whispered in her ear. “When you’re safe. And if you’re not my sister-in-law then who are you? And I really am sorry about…I’m not the type of man who would molest a woman. I won’t hurt you. I promise.”

  Did he think she was some kind of shrinking violet? “I will hurt you and the name’s Erin. Are you Case or Theo?”

  He went still above her and then cursed. “Damn it. They’re going to fire me. Fuck.”

  “They won’t shoot!” Jesse yelled.

  She felt the Taggart on top of her tense as the yelling continued. He covered her body with his, protecting her head as she watched two pairs of boots scuffling in front of her. She couldn’t tell who it was, couldn’t see much of anything since the man on top of her was a mountain she couldn’t quite move.

  “Let my people up or I will blow this motherfucker’s head off his shoulders. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t even have plastic down. My wife has a strict edict that when I blow some dude’s head off, I have the courtesy to put some plastic down. You’re going to get my wife pissed at me.”

  Thank god. Big Tag was here. Boss might be pissed she’d gotten put on her belly by baby brother, though. Damn. She was supposed to be tougher than that.

  “It’s going to be okay, sweetheart,” he promised in her ear. “Like I said, I won’t hurt you.”

  But he had. He’d made her look like an idiot in front of the boss. He’d made her feel something and then taken it all away.

  “You know I think this is all going to work out. If they don’t kill each other. My boss and your boss, that is,” he said with a chuckle. “I’ll buy the beers tonight. How about that? And you can teach me that elbow move. I have zero idea how you managed to get out of my grip.”

  He was offering her a date in the middle of what still might be a gun battle. Damn but that was her kind of guy.

  Except he was younger than her and related to her boss, and from what she’d seen he was perfect and shiny and had a flawless military record. Just like her father would love. The same kind of man she’d married before. The kind she couldn’t possibly please.

  “I would be happy to show you again.” She went still underneath him because apparently Charlotte had shown up and she was pregnant. No way was she causing any chaos now. Everyone needed cool heads.

  She lay under him as he started to give her a play by play and wished she hadn’t come into work that day.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Dallas, TX

  Present day

  Theo frowned her way as she finished the story by telling him then Ten and Tag punched each other a bunch and everyone had cake. “Are you serious? You didn’t like me because I was younger than you?”

  She shrugged. She’d told the story like it had happened. No more coddling him. It didn’t work, hadn’t worked, and she was done. “You were an asshole and then I found out you were a super-young asshole who probably lived with his mother in a basement or some shit.”

  “I did not live with my mother,” he shot back. “I haven’t lived with my mother since I joined the freaking Navy. And by the way, I’m not that much younger than you, and apparently I was quite a gentleman during a difficult time.”

  She had to stop the tears that threatened. She couldn’t give over to wild emotion, couldn’t jump him and beg him to remember more. Beg him to remember that he loved her, that he was the only man in the world who’d ever fucking loved her with his whole heart. She couldn’t do that because they were finally making progress and it had all come because there was no expectation on him.

  He was relaxed and he’d listened to her story with rapt attention, as though he’d been so interested in the outcome. Like he hadn’t lived it.

  Tell him a story, Kai had told her on the phone earlier today. Like it’s nothing more than you telling it to a stranger.

  In order to take pressure off Theo. When he tried too hard to remember it hurt him. That bitch had planted bombs in his head and she was walking across a field of landmines every time she tried to talk to him.

  But there it was. He was looking at her like the old Theo for the first time since he’d come home. He was rolling those gorgeous blue eyes and huffing in righteous indignation. “Obviously I was in a bad situation. I couldn’t go against my CO, but I also wasn’t going to hurt you. You had me at a distinct disadvantage, so I don’t think that proves anything. Once I got you down, you stayed down.”

  Oh, she had. She’d been pinned under his hot bod and she would give almost anything to get back there. “I made the logical decision that fighti
ng you wouldn’t help anything. Besides, Jesse had gone feral and that’s all the chaos anyone needs. You should totally understand that part of the story.”

  “That’s rude.” He’d gone the sweetest shade of pink.

  It was actually kind of fun to remind him of what a bitch she could be. She’d been so careful around him. This felt so much more like them. “And yet still true, buddy.”

  Not lover. Not babe. Buddy. Erin was going to be friends with Theo for now.

  Theo stopped, his whole body going tight. “You’re older than me.”

  Naturally that was what he stuck on. “Yes, I am.”

  His eyes closed. “I remembered my mother. My real mother. Remember is the wrong word. I knew. I knew that I moved out when I left for the Navy.” The flush to his face turned red. “But I can’t remember where I grew up or what my mother looked like.”

  “Let it go, Theo.” Kai’s tone held a note of warning and he’d lost his relaxed posture. He sat up in his chair as though waiting for the explosion.

  He didn’t have to wait for long.

  Theo slapped the side of his head. “Fuck. It’s right there. It’s right fucking there. I can almost taste it.”

  Her heart ached and she couldn’t stop herself. She reached out for him. “Baby, it’s fine. Let it go. If it’s there, it will be there later. It’s not time for you to remember yet.”

  Her voice had gone soft and she tried all the tricks Kai had taught her in the beginning. She tried to soothe him. Tried to touch him and ease him back from the edge. She couldn’t tell him never to remember. She had to put it off, to give him hope that it would happen one day.

  “Let it go, baby,” she said, trying to put her arms around him.

  He shoved her away. She hadn’t been ready for the move so it caught her off guard and sent her flying back to Kai’s desk. She hit it hard and winced as she slid to the floor.

  Theo stood over her, his face going white. “I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. I’m done, Kai.”

  He strode out the door.

  Erin watched him, tears making the world blurry. So close. She’d gotten so damn close.

  Kai was suddenly in front of her, offering her a hand up. “He didn’t mean any of that. He’s said those same words about a hundred times to me and he always comes back.”

  She let Kai help her up. “At some point he will walk away. If we can’t get through to him, can’t make him understand that this is his home, he’ll leave.”

  He would leave and not look back. He might send her child support, but he wouldn’t be in their lives. Her back ached and she stared at the door he’d walked out of. For a moment she’d thought she had him.

  Wasn’t that kind of their story?

  “I know you don’t like this word, but I need you to be patient with him,” Kai said.

  She hated the word. She wasn’t a patient person and yet she’d had to learn it for her son. He brought it out in her. That tiny kid had become her whole world and she’d found reserves of patience she’d never known had existed. She stretched and forced herself not to run after Theo.

  Faith was another quality she’d had to cling to lately.

  She sighed and sat back down because their time wasn’t quite up yet. “You know if you’d told me three years ago that I could put up with a screaming kid with an ear infection and not kill myself, I would have laughed at you.”

  Kai smiled slightly. “You know it’s not a bad analogy.”

  “A couple of months back TJ wakes up in the middle of the night screaming his head off. I already wasn’t sleeping well and Case was off working. Naturally it’s a Saturday night so I have to go to the ER. Do you know what it’s like to sit in the middle of a cesspool with a screaming kid for five hours before they even bother to get you back to a room? Apparently gang violence trumps earaches.”

  “I don’t know but I can imagine it’s awful.”

  “I’m sitting there and I’m so tired I can barely stand and I want it all to stop and I actually think about how much better everything would be if I’d never met him. Theo, that is. I have the thought that if I could wish him out of existence, then at least I wouldn’t be here with a squalling kid and nothing in my life.”

  “Erin, you have to know that everyone thinks things like that when they’re tired.”

  She held a hand up. “And that was when I looked down at this screaming baby and knew I wouldn’t change a thing. The pain I felt, the annoyance, the lack of peace, they’re all because I have a life and I have this little soul that someone thought I could raise. And I finally realized I wasn’t my dad. I wasn’t my mom and my childhood hadn’t wrecked me because Theo had found me and put me back together. I felt pain because I had love and that was worth it. So I took a deep breath and held my baby close and we got through it.” She could still remember how well she’d slept after the antibiotics had kicked in and TJ had fallen asleep on top of her. It had been the best sleep because she’d earned it. “Tell me I’m going to get through this, too.”

  Kai reached out, offering her his hand. “One way or another.”

  She took it, squeezing and gaining strength. Kai was her friend, but he was also someone she admired and trusted for his skill. “But I still might end up alone.”

  His expression softened. “Even if he did remember, if it had never happened, there’s no guarantee that you don’t end up alone. He could have died some other way. The two of you could have grown apart. I worried that Theo wasn’t strong enough for you.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  He took a step back and moved around to his desk again. “It means before he died you continually tested him. I worry that might have gone on past what he could stand. In some ways, it was TJ who forced your growth and if Theo had been around, it wouldn’t have happened the same way.”

  Because Theo would have taken care of TJ. He wouldn’t have forced her into a position where she had to figure herself out. She could have remained the old, insecure and hard Erin because TJ would have had a loving parent.

  How would they have survived? When TJ got an ear infection, would she have rolled over and let Theo handle it? Would she have ever truly figured out how much she loved her son if she hadn’t been left alone with him? Would she have figured out how much she loved Theo if he hadn’t died?

  If there was one thing she’d learned since she’d come to McKay-Taggart it was to step back and look at things differently. When she thought about it her training had began all those years ago when she’d found herself in counterintelligence. They’d taught her to look and think about things from the other perspective. Yes, it had been the perspective of terrorists and traitors, but when she’d gotten here, she’d learned that not everything was shitty. Some things, once embraced and taken to heart, could actually be good. Life was only as good as she made it.

  She could weep and rail at fate or she could believe that things happened for a reason.

  “I’m still going to kill that bitch.” The truth was she’d made her decision long before. She’d made the decision to live fully the moment she’d decided to be TJ’s mom. He couldn’t have a mother who lived in the past. He needed a mom who fought for their future. Maybe it could have been different at one point, but she wouldn’t change the woman she was today.

  The things she’d gone through, they’d made her realize that she loved her son and Theo.

  And they’d made her realize that she kind of loved herself, too.

  So many years and only now could she admit that she deserved his love. Any love.

  “I think that is a healthy way to think given the circumstances,” Kai admitted.

  Yeah, he was the perfect therapist for her. “So I’m concentrating on the positive. Our boy had a breakthrough.”

  “He did. Next time he starts to lose it like that, punch him again. He responds well to you that way. I don’t think he quite understands the new Erin. Somewhere deep down, he still responds to the you he knew.”
<
br />   Luckily, there was still enough of the old Erin to go around. “That’s a promise, doc.”

  * * * *

  Theo stumbled out of Kai’s office and into the lobby. He couldn’t drive like this. He couldn’t even walk until he’d calmed down. Could he make it over to Sanctum? Kai’s office was in a building beside the club. If it was open, he could hide in the locker room until he’d calmed down. But that was a big if.

  Kori was sitting at her desk. She looked up from her laptop. “Women’s room. There’s a nice chaise in there you can rest on and I recently restocked the granola bars.”

  “Ladies’ room?” His head was pounding.

  “Way better than the men’s.” She turned back to her computer. “There’s some aspirin in there and some chilled sodas. Caffeine helps with headaches sometimes, or so I’ve heard. But if you throw up, do it in the toilet. I do not get paid to clean up after you.”

  He walked toward the women’s bathroom. He could use something to eat. Sometimes focusing on eating or drinking helped him get through an episode.

  If Kori had hurried around her desk and tried to help him, he would have run as fast as he could. Something about her no-nonsense advice had soothed him.

  My poor Tomas. Let me help you. Let me make it better for you.

  He shuddered, hating the sound of that voice in his head. He heard it every time a woman started in on him with soft hands and eyes and promises of making things better.

  He’d liked it better when Erin had punched him in the face.

  “Hey, buddy. Want a granola bar?”

  Theo let the door slam behind him. He wasn’t alone in the women’s room and he wasn’t the only guy. Robert sat on the chaise lounge, a bottle of water in one hand and a granola bar in the other. Kori had been right. This was nicer than the men’s room. The men’s room was nothing but a neatly kept bathroom with two urinals, a stall, and a couple of sinks. This was like a freaking spa. There was an overstuffed chaise that looked comfy, a rack full of magazines, and to his left, the marbled sink contained trays of all sorts of feminine needs. There were samples of makeup, perfumes, hair products. The music piping in wasn’t music at all. It was more like soothing forest sounds.