Submission is Not Enough Kobo

by Lexi Blake

  He walked in front of her and she couldn’t help but stare at the tattoo on his left shoulder blade. It was a glorious piece of ink. The A in the middle was for Avery, and the Celtic knots that wound around it, protecting the precious letter, were all about his heritage.

  She’d thought so often about getting a T somewhere on her body, but she wasn’t sure what she would want around it as protection and honor. Roses and guns didn’t seem like a proper way to pay respect to the love of her life.

  Who’d died. It struck her finally today that the Theo she’d known had died and wasn’t fully coming back. That Theo wouldn’t have waited months to meet his son. He wouldn’t have sat around and played video games while she struggled.

  Could she trust the Theo who’d shown up tonight? He’d asked to hold their baby and he’d been quite tender with TJ. Of course, it was easy to be a good caretaker when the baby was asleep.

  But when it had counted, he’d told her she was alone. He’d stood right there and chosen to let her walk away. That wasn’t the Theo she’d known. The Theo she’d known would have been all over her, trying to take all the responsibility. He’d craved it.

  Still, her heart had ached at the sight of this Theo cradling their baby boy. He’d done a good job. He’d cuddled TJ close and he’d been mad when he should have been.

  He’d promised to kill the woman who’d threatened their boy.

  She followed Li to the kitchen. There was no other way to interpret what had happened. She wasn’t sure why McDonald had stolen her son’s biological material, but it seemed like an all-out declaration of war to Erin. Not that she wouldn’t have gone there. That bitch had declared war the moment she’d stolen Theo, and there would be no quarter. Woman to woman. She might appreciate that Theo was willing to kill her, but that bitch was Erin’s. No question about it.

  “You’ve got a visitor,” Li said, stopping before they reached the kitchen. He turned to her. “I can send him away right now. You need to rest, not play nursemaid.”

  She stopped, staring at the door behind Li’s back. It was freaking two in the morning. Who the hell would come and visit her? There was only one person she could think of. “Theo’s here?”

  “I’m pretty sure he drove your car. It’s sitting out in the driveway, but I don’t see his truck.” Li crossed his arms over his chest. “Do you want to talk to him? I told him you’re tired and he should make an appointment with you tomorrow, but he said he wouldn’t leave until he saw you. I assure you, I can make him leave.”

  Such a big brother. “No, I’ll talk to him.”

  She wasn’t sure what he was going to say, but it meant something that he was here. He’d retreated so often lately that she was surprised he would show up. No one would have questioned him if he’d gone back to Case’s with Robert. It had been a long day.

  He was here. He was waiting behind those swinging doors.

  Li’s lips curved up. “So the boy’s coming around then?”

  “I think he’s trying.” He’d held TJ and even been a bit reluctant to give him up at the end of the conference. It was all she could ask.

  Li nodded. “All right then. Set the alarm again when he leaves. If he leaves. Goodnight, Erin. Avery and I will take care of the boys. You get some sleep.”

  He stepped away and she was confronted with that door. What was he going to say to her? Was he going to retreat? Would he tell her he couldn’t do this with her? Or that he was too disturbed by the thought of McDonald to continue down the path they’d started?

  She pushed through the door because she didn’t believe in waiting. Waiting was for pussies and people who actually had a lick of patience. Rip the damn bandage off and start the bleed. It was going to happen anyway. She needed to know. It was time to stand in front of him and figure out what he truly wanted.

  Theo was standing in the middle of the kitchen. He was staring at the door as though every cell in his body had been waiting for her to walk through.

  “Hey.”

  Damn but that was a beautiful man. He might think that scar on his face was an issue, but she hadn’t lied to him. It made him even sexier. It meant he’d survived. “Hey.”

  “I brought your car,” he said, his voice breaking a little. It did that when he was nervous. “I thought you might need it tomorrow. Though no one would blame you if you stayed here.”

  All the things she needed to do in the morning rushed in on her. “I can’t. I’ve got a full day. I have to go to the office in the morning and then spend the afternoon overseeing the new security system install. I hate changing passwords. I also have to get all up in Adam’s business because I need to know how that asswipe hacked into my system.”

  “I’m sure she used Hutch’s protocols,” Theo explained. “One of the things I do remember was the fact that she forced Hutch to write a bunch of hacks for her. I suspect it’s one of the things he feels guilty about. Don’t judge him too harshly. The punishment was pretty bad for disobedience.”

  She could only imagine. “I won’t ever blame Hutch. I just want him to come home. Speaking of home, it’s late. You should probably get there. Did Robert follow in your truck?”

  He stepped around the table. “I don’t want to go back to Case’s. I was hoping you would let me sleep here. With you.”

  Tears immediately sprang to her eyes and she fought them back. He had to understand what he was saying. Or rather, she needed to. “We’re not in the club anymore, Theo.”

  “I know that. We were stupid to think we could keep it there. We left that behind a long time ago. We have a baby. We can’t keep it to the club, but that doesn’t mean we can’t play.”

  Ah, so he wanted to finish what they’d started. He’d been left in a pretty shitty place and he probably felt like she owed him. She did. It might be nice to fuck him hard.

  She shook her head. “Theo, I can’t tonight. I’m sorry. I know it was a shitty cock block earlier, but I can’t be in that place right now.”

  He frowned. “In what place? In the club? We can’t leave here. We can’t leave TJ. I wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

  “Subspace, Theo. Sex space. I can’t do that right now.” Why did he always have to make her say it? In the beginning she’d thought it was because he was dense. Later, she’d realized it was a way to force her to be comfortable with him. Now she was dealing with a different man and she was unsure all over again.

  She wanted to cry. It had been so long since she’d cried. It was like she’d shut down that part of herself after he’d died and it had only come back the moment she’d realized he was alive. Now she was numb again, anger so much easier than the anxiety she felt at the thought that the Theo she’d loved was gone forever.

  He moved in, stepping close to her. “Is that what you think of me? I suppose the old Theo wouldn’t want what you’d promised him. He wouldn’t show up on your doorstep after an awful night and demand sex.” His voice went low and he stared down at her. “I’m not sure how I feel about you thinking I’m capable of that, but we’re starting over so I need to reintroduce myself. I do want to finish what I should have started earlier tonight. Come here, baby. Let me hold you. Let me rub your back and your feet and massage your head until you fall asleep. Let me get up in the middle of the night to take care of our son. Let me sleep with you so I can do what I should have. So I can take care of you. It’s all I want to do.”

  His hands sank into her hair, gently pulling it out of the bun she’d fashioned. He ran his fingertips over her scalp with firm pressure.

  Some people liked foot rubs. This did it for her. Having her head and shoulders rubbed properly always relaxed her.

  “I’ve done this before, haven’t I? When you got wound up, I would get you naked and lay you out and rub you down. Then you could sleep. When you walked in here looking so worried, I got a flash of doing this to you.”

  “So many times.” She leaned against his strong body, her hands finding his waist for balance.

  His fingers r
olled over her shoulders and back up again. “Why did you love me?”

  It was the first time he’d really asked about something important. She knew he and Case had talked about his past, but before the meeting with Kai earlier, he hadn’t asked more than simple questions about them. She sometimes wondered if he thought she was tricking him into believing he’d loved her.

  But answering why she loved him was easy. “Because no one in the whole world ever loved me the way you did. No one ever fought for me the way you did.”

  “Who did I have to fight? Were you with someone when we met?”

  She shook her head and bit back a groan as he lightly pulled her hair. Yeah, she loved that, too. “No. I was divorced, but I hadn’t been dating. You fought me, Theo. I was the one you had to fight. I didn’t like myself much back then. I didn’t believe in myself. You gave me that.”

  He tugged on her hair and she let her head fall back. He stared down at her and she could see how tired he was, too. “Then let me sleep with you. I’m not the same man. I don’t know that I can ever be the man you fell in love with, but let me sleep with you. Let me try to be here for you. No sex. Just comfort. We’ve had a long day and I want to end it the way we should have spent it. Together.”

  She wrapped her arms around him and let her head rest against his shoulder. “Did you like holding TJ?”

  His hands ran down her back and up again, soothing her. “I did, but Erin, I don’t feel like his dad. I’m going to try. I’ll spend time with him, but I don’t feel like a dad.”

  Was that what he was worried about? She looked up at him. “Are you serious? Theo, it took time for me to feel like a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the kid from the moment I saw him, before really, but I had months to get used to it. You’ve only known he existed for a couple of weeks. I also knew why he was conceived, so I had a leg up on you in the parenting department.”

  “Case told me a condom broke.”

  So at least he’d asked. “That was part of it, but I think there was more. I think the universe gave him to me so I wouldn’t give up. So I wouldn’t do something stupid.”

  “Something stupid?”

  She wasn’t sure how much to tell him, but she didn’t want this intimacy to go away. He deserved to know. “I went dark when you died.”

  His hands tightened around her as though he was afraid to let her go. “And after you knew you were pregnant?”

  “I didn’t think those thoughts again. I couldn’t go and be with you because I had a piece of you inside me, and I had to protect him and love him and give him everything you couldn’t. I’m not super religious, but I can’t help but think some things happen because they need to. Some things are meant to be.”

  “Do you think we’re one of those things?” He whispered the question.

  “I know we are.” She couldn’t give up on him. No matter how mad she got or frustrated he made her. She had to remember what he didn’t. She had to remember that he’d never given up on her.

  She stepped back and saw his face fall. Did he think she was going to reject him? She held out her hand. “Come to bed, Theo.”

  His fingers tangled in hers and he let her lead him through the house and back to the bedroom.

  “Is TJ asleep?” Theo asked as she shut the door behind him.

  “He’s with Aidan.” How was it so awkward? She’d nearly fucked him earlier this evening. They’d slept together a hundred times and yet she was suddenly shy. “That’s Li and Avery’s son. They’ve got the monitor on and way better security than our place.”

  “But we’re upgrading tomorrow. Do you need money?”

  Ah, the things he didn’t know. “I’ve got all your money, babe. Case made sure of it. We’ll be fine. I guess I should give that back to you.”

  He shook his head. “No. I want you to have it, but maybe I could move back in. Test the waters. Maybe being home will help.”

  Fake it until you make it. She was willing to try. “I would love that.”

  “I can help around the house. Get used to it again. Maybe do some upgrades. I like fire pits.”

  She smiled. “We have one. You insisted and made everyone come over to help build it out. You were nice though. We provided the beer.”

  “I had a lot of friends,” he said, as though the idea made him a little sad.

  “You have a lot of friends, Theo. You might not remember them, but they will never forget you.” She needed to get past the awkwardness. He was trying. That was all she could ask. “Give it time. I think you’ll find you like these people.”

  He looked over at the big bed. “I already like them. They’re nice people. I didn’t bring anything with me.”

  She was wearing pajama bottoms and a T-shirt. The bottoms had to go. She shimmied out of them. “I think Li can help you out. Avery’s kind of the greatest hostess ever. If you look in the bathroom, you’ll find travel-size toothpaste and shampoos in there. There’s even a new toothbrush. She’s serious about guests.”

  “Good.” He turned to the bathroom door. “I guess I didn’t think this through.”

  “You don’t have to stay.” She wasn’t going to make the night any harder on him. She’d been pissed as hell earlier, but she couldn’t stay mad at him. “You can take my car and we’ll talk in the morning.”

  He looked back, his hand on the bathroom door. There was a smile on his face that made her heart race. “No, I wasn’t talking about sleeping with you. That’s the best idea I’ve ever had. Don’t be too impressed. I’ve had less than a year of ideas I remember, and most of them were bad. No. I was thinking about the fact that I can’t shave in the morning and I want to be as attractive as I possibly can for you. I might roll out of bed early in the morning and shower and steal a razor so I can shave and brush my teeth and then slip back into bed so you think I wake up this pretty.”

  Oh, sometimes her Theo showed up and she wanted to cry in relief. “I remember what you were like before, babe. Not all that interested in grooming. And I happen to find your scruff incredibly sexy.”

  He ran a hand over the beard that was coming in. “I bet I used that to great advantage. I’ll be back. Don’t forget the alarm.”

  She could barely breathe as he closed the bathroom door. She ran down the hall, not caring if Li or Avery caught her in her undies. She set the alarm and checked the back door and hustled back to the bedroom.

  He was already in bed. “Is it okay if I take this side? I like the right side.”

  “Unless the door is on the left,” she said quietly. He’d said that to her the first night they’d shared a bed in Africa. The bungalow they’d stayed in barely had room for a double, and Theo had taken up all the space. But he’d ensured his body was closest to the door so he could protect her. She hadn’t even realized that was what he’d been doing until they’d gotten to Munich and suddenly he preferred the left side of the bed.

  “Then I would probably like that side,” he agreed.

  He’d shed his shirt and was probably down to his boxers. He usually slept naked and would never allow her to sleep with him with clothes on.

  Maybe they needed them tonight. Maybe they needed something more than sex.

  She climbed in on her side and turned off the light, plunging the room into darkness.

  He was here. That had to be enough.

  She felt him roll over, his hands moving out and reaching for her.

  “Come here. You don’t need a random warm body in bed. I think you need me, baby. I don’t know everything that means, but I want to give it to you. Let me hold you.” He cradled her to his chest.

  And there in the dark, she held him and let go. It didn’t matter than he couldn’t tell her how they’d met or when he’d first told her he loved her. She cried because he was here and he’d always been her safe place. She cried because it had been a shitty day. She cried because he never could.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “So how’d it go last night?” Robert asked.

  The
o turned down Pearl Street and started toward Klyde Warren Park and thought about how to answer that question. How had it gone?

  “I had the dream again.” Naturally the moment he’d fallen asleep he’d found himself in a nightmare. “When I was awake, it was perfect. I like being with her and it’s definitely getting easier to use her name, but I fell asleep and I was right back in the same place again.”

  Robert kept up with him. He’d come to the office this morning to help Adam with the security footage from the night before. Robert had been studying the footage over and over, trying to see if anything else about the man who had broken into Erin’s place the night before might be meaningful. “Shit, I’m sorry to hear that. Is this the one where you kill her? Erin, I mean.”

  He nodded, stopping at the light. “Yeah. I can’t seem to help myself. This time it was Mia who turned into Erin. Did I shoot my sister-in-law?”

  It had felt so real. He’d been in some kind of industrial room with metal shelves around them. There had been a door at his front and another to his back. He’d been able to feel the chill of the air conditioner and the weight of the gun in his hand.

  Mia had been there. She’d been in a pretty cocktail dress, but her mascara had been smudged, her hair mussed, and she was crying, begging him to let her go back to Case. He’d shoved her and she’d fallen behind a shelving unit. When she’d looked up, it had been Erin staring down the barrel of the gun he’d held. She’d stared up at him and he’d been so cold. He’d leveled the gun at her head as she’d begged for her life.

  The light turned and they started toward the park and the numerous food trucks that surrounded the big green space in the middle of downtown. Normally he would eat in the deli at the bottom of the building, but today he needed to get outside, needed to breathe.