Submission is Not Enough Kobo

by Lexi Blake

  Robert strode beside him. “No. You didn’t. You’re talking about what happened in Colombia. You were ordered to kill her but you wouldn’t. This is what I’m talking about, man. You have to ease up on the guilt. You got into so much trouble for not killing Mia, but you saved her anyway. And I think you pulled your shot when you took on your brother.”

  He’d shot his own brother. It was so hard to imagine. He stopped at the edge of the park, his head starting to ache. He was glad he’d nabbed Ian’s sunglasses before he’d decided to take a break. The sun was bright in the sky, the grass of the park almost too green. “So the place I was at in the dream was real?”

  Robert faced him. “Yes. It was real. I was there. Uhm, I might have tried to take your sister-in-law with us, but Moth…Dr. McDonald had other plans. Sorry. Big Tag’s taken to hitting me upside the head every time I call her Mother. It’s working. He hits hard.”

  His brother was a giver and it was creepy to think of why Robert would have tried to take Mia with them. “Did you try to keep my sister-in-law as your closet girlfriend?”

  If there was one thing he could remember about that time, it was Robert’s constant whining about the lack of female company.

  Robert flushed a bright red. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but she’s pretty. I guess I’m the kind of guy who needs a woman around. I was probably one of those serial monogamist dudes. I’m not proud of that, but at least I admit it. My fake name is Robert and I would like to be pussy whipped.”

  Sometimes Robert could be obnoxious. “You need to chill.”

  Robert’s eyes rolled. “Says the man who got to sleep with a girl last night. Look, I might not remember sex, but I’m pretty sure I’m good at it. At least when I think about it, I’m good at it. One of these days I’m going to convince your brother I’m sane enough to play in the club.”

  Theo looked around. The park was popular with Dallasites, and many young people who worked downtown flocked to enjoy the sunshine and to eat al fresco from the multitude of gourmet food trucks that surrounded the park at lunchtime. More than one woman glanced Robert’s way. He was a tall, muscular man with a thick mop of dark hair and a perfectly square jawline. He looked like he should be wearing a cape and saving the world, not whining about his lack of a sex life. “Why don’t you ask someone out? The receptionist seems interested. What’s her name?”

  “Sadie,” Robert replied.

  She worked part time now that Grace had started working more and more as Sean’s business manager. Sean was opening a second restaurant and was now appearing on some national shows. Sadie Jennings was Grace’s niece and fresh out of college.

  “Ask Sadie out.” From what he understood, she didn’t have a boyfriend.

  He shook his head. “No. I talk about it, but I’m not doing anything outside a club where someone can watch me.”

  Theo was pretty sure that wasn’t about Robert wanting to be an exhibitionist. He shook his head as he started into the park. His stomach was growling and he was supposed to be in a meeting in an hour. “It’s funny because you tell me to hop in bed with Erin, but you’re scared to do the same.”

  Robert’s face lit up. “No, I’m not. I’ll totally hop in bed with Erin. She can handle me. I do something weird and violent and she’ll put me on my ass. Hey, we should think about it. You know it works for Jake and Adam.”

  Theo groaned, but he had to laugh because there was a lot of truth to what he’d said. “Dude, stop thinking about my girl. We are not going to do the threesome thing, but she could handle you. I don’t think that anything fazes that woman. I woke up screaming my head off and she hit me with a pillow and told me to stop crying like a girl and go back to sleep. I tried to explain to her that I’d murdered her in my dreams and she snorted and said that was the only place I would ever be doing that. Then she cuddled against me and started snoring again. Is it weird that I think her snoring is kind of soothing?”

  It had been heaven and hell. He’d loved holding her. God, when she’d finally cried in his arms, he’d felt like he was doing something for her. He’d felt necessary for once. Being there for her had made him feel worthy.

  And then he’d fallen asleep and gone right back to the cold piece of shit the doctor had turned him into. He’d slipped back into that world and hadn’t come out until he’d pulled the trigger on the woman he’d been sleeping beside.

  She’d acted like it was no big deal and when he’d woken up, he’d found she’d left a note. She’d let him sleep because she’d known he’d been up late and then had what she called a whackadoodle dream, so she’d gone into the office with Li and left her car behind for him. After a super awkward breakfast with Avery, who made incredible pancakes but wasn’t sure how to talk to a dude who couldn’t remember anything, he’d gone to the office. Erin was still in a meeting and TJ was in daycare, and he was back to wondering why the hell he was here.

  “I talked to her last night about moving back into my house,” Theo admitted.

  Robert slapped him on the back. “That’s awesome. I mean it. You should do it today.”

  “I thought you would be worried.”

  “Because I’ve clung to you like a baby duck since we left the creepy medical-induced nest we were in?”

  “Yes.”

  Robert was quiet for a moment, his arms going across his chest. “I have to be on my own sometime. I’m not as broody as you, but I still feel it, too. Hell, in some ways it’s worse because I know damn well she broke me. I never fought the way you did.”

  “How many women did you kill?” It was a game for their “trainer.” Tony would bring in a prostitute and then try to force Robert to kill her after he’d spent time with her. Victor would do it in a heartbeat, but Robert would take the beating or whatever punishment.

  “You know I didn’t, but I thought about it. Especially since I knew Tony would kill her anyway. He snuck one in my bed one night. I woke up next to a dead girl. Sometimes I wish she’d wiped that memory.”

  He sat down at one of the green tables that dotted the park. Food could wait. He needed to have a talk with Robert. “When was the last time she wiped your memory?”

  He sat down across from Theo, his hands knotted on the table in front of him. “It was before you came to us. I remember that day. We had to go to Havana and we were in a hospital. I paid off the administrator so we could use the surgical unit. Look, I hate her, but she was brilliant when it came to surgery. You should have died.”

  Sometimes he wished he had. “How did she explain my appearance? Was Victor already there?”

  “Yes. I’m not honestly sure which of us was first. The drugs make it difficult to remember, but by the time you came along, we were both there and had been for a while.”

  “Do you ever have any flashes of your previous life?”

  Robert’s eyes stared through him. “Not anything that resembles memory. It’s why I tell you you’re stronger, Theo. Victor didn’t have flashbacks either. He didn’t care. He liked our life. He liked the violence. But you…she loved you.”

  A chill went down his spine. “It wasn’t love.”

  Robert held out a hand. “I’m sorry. You’re right. It was a sick obsession, but you have to understand when I was in therapy every day, it felt like something I should be jealous of.”

  And yet Robert had shown him nothing but kindness. Sometimes he wondered if he would have survived if Robert hadn’t been there. He would sneak to Theo’s bedside when he was in the infirmary after Tony’s sessions and talk to him. He would tell him to be strong. Not once had he told Theo to forget. “Why didn’t you turn me in when you knew I was getting some of my memory back?”

  Robert shrugged. “I don’t know. I hated the punishment, I guess.”

  “Or she never really broke you either. Have you considered that? She might have been able to take your memory, but she didn’t change the core of who you are. You were my friend in there. When I was in hell, I had you to help me through.”

>   “You were my brother,” he said quietly, not looking Theo in the eyes. “I think she didn’t know what that would mean to me. She told me I had a brother and I held on to that idea.”

  “But wasn’t Victor your brother?”

  His jaw tightened. “Victor was mean. I hated him. I hated you at first, and then you were you and you were my brother. I know now that you’re not. Not in a biological sense. You have a bunch of brothers and they’re amazing. But I don’t remember a time when anyone gave a shit about me the way you did. I knew Mother didn’t care. I could look at her and see I was nothing but a pawn.”

  “Did she ever try anything more with you?” The question made his stomach turn, but he needed to ask it. There was so damn much he didn’t know. He needed to. He’d slept beside Erin the night before and the whole time he’d wondered where his body had been. God, he was thinking of his body like it was something that was separate from his soul and could do things he’d never done. It wasn’t true. If it happened to his body, it happened to his soul, and that was why he should never have touched Erin.

  Robert frowned. “What do you mean?”

  He shouldn’t have mentioned it. No. No. He fucking needed to know. “She never touched you sexually?”

  “Oh,” Robert began. “No. Not that I remember. She called me her son. But I always knew you were different for her. I knew she was obsessed with you and not in a good way. She talked about how you were going to be her greatest creation. You would be the one people remembered her for.”

  His stomach was in knots, but he proceeded anyway. “She would come into my room at night. After lights out.”

  Robert finally looked him straight on. “I knew that. She trusted me. She didn’t lock my door. Sometimes I would sneak out and hear her talking to Tony. You frustrated her. She was so angry because you wouldn’t give in to her.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Robert shook his head. “It means you wouldn’t do it with her. She tried and tried and at the end of the day, you can’t rape a man who won’t get hard. I don’t know. Maybe you still can but she didn’t get any satisfaction from you. Why do you think she was so rough on you?”

  “You don’t think I…” He couldn’t say it.

  Robert shook his head. “No. I don’t think you did. I wasn’t there, but I don’t think so. Why do you think she worked so hard to make sure you couldn’t even think Erin’s name without hurting? She thought if she could break you of your attachment to Erin, that you would look at her differently. But you never did.”

  “I didn’t even remember Erin existed.”

  “Your brain might not have, but something inside you did because you wouldn’t do her no matter what.”

  “You weren’t there though. You don’t know what happened.” He could still feel those cold hands on his skin, still feel how his whole body rolled at the thought of what was going to happen next.

  “I know you.” He stood up. “Look, Theo, I get that you feel like you’re out of control and you don’t trust anything or anyone around you. I understand that you don’t think you can trust me. No one does. They’re all waiting for me to turn or go nutso or something. I know I won’t. I like it here. I can be patient. I get a feeling and I follow it because I got nothing else, man. Reality might change on a dime because some crazy chick injected me with a drug, but I know some things are real and one of them was you. This place, these people, they’re another thing that’s real, and I won’t let go because it’s one fucking good thing and that’s all I need. McKay-Taggart and that club are all I need. Maybe I don’t have a claim on them, but I’ll hold on until I’m forced out. You’re already in. Why can’t you see how good that is?”

  “Because I don’t know that I deserve it.”

  Robert put a hand on his shoulder. “That’s not how it works, I think. We get what we get and we choose how we handle it. We let it go or we hold on. We rise or we choose to fall. I don’t think you should fall, brother. I’m going to try hard not to, and I will hold on to you as long as I can. I think Erin loves you. I think you have a baby who will love you no matter what, as long as you’re there for him. You have a family who fought so hard for you. How can you not try to hold on to them no matter what?”

  He wanted to, but things were complex. “And if I hurt them?”

  “Trust that you won’t. Do everything you can not to.” Robert stepped away. “I’m getting something for lunch because I’m not in a bunker, hidden by a crazy doctor. I’m a free man and it’s a fucking gorgeous day. You can sit there and be sad or you can be happy that it’s sunny and gorgeous and you’ve got a shot. And there are empanadas. I’m not sure what they are, but I know I’m going to like them.”

  Robert strode toward the food trucks and Theo watched him walk away.

  Why couldn’t he be more like Robert? From what he’d learned about the old Theo, he and Robert would have had a lot in common. Case had been the broody twin and Theo the optimistic, sunny one. It had been his role in the family. Now he was the one everyone worried about.

  Had she not woken him up this morning because she’d wanted to avoid him? She’d seemed so nonchalant about it in the middle of the night. She hadn’t seemed afraid of him, merely a bit annoyed that he’d woken her up. Even then she’d curled up against him, her body giving him warmth. If she’d noticed how stiff he’d been, she hadn’t shown it. She’d simply held on to him and drifted back to sleep.

  But she’d been gone in the morning. Was she rethinking him moving in? She’d taken TJ with her. Had she realized how dangerous he might be to their kid?

  Theo put his head in his hand and groaned. He really was a whiney asshole. He should have walked into her office, ordered her to put that sweet ass over his lap, and given her a nice thirty smacks for leaving their bed without telling him.

  They needed rules. She liked rules. God knew he liked it when she broke them and gave him the opportunity for some domestic discipline that would please them both.

  He had to be confident with her.

  Okay. What would Old Theo do? He likely wouldn’t have spent his entire morning avoiding her. He would have walked in and talked to her and let her know he didn’t like waking up alone, and from now on there would be punishment when she snuck out on him.

  And then he would kiss her and touch her and maybe remind her that he was the one who could make her feel good. Yeah, show her what she got when she let him back into their house.

  He stood up. It wouldn’t hurt to bring her something. Ice cream was too messy. Maybe a turkey leg. Erin looked like a girl who liked some meat. She would either eat it for lunch or laugh at him and then he could see her smile. Either way he would feel good.

  “Hello, brother.”

  He stopped, his whole body going cold because he didn’t recognize that voice. He forced himself to turn and there stood a tall man with broad shoulders and hollow blue eyes. He was dressed all in black, from his T-shirt to his pants to a pair of boots that sparked something in Theo.

  “Excuse me.” There was some mistake. He didn’t know this dude. The boots were familiar, but he didn’t have anything for the man wearing them. He looked over and saw Robert standing in line. Two men dressed in black were moving toward him.

  They were wearing the same boots.

  The same boots Theo had worn when working a job. The same black uniform he’d worn when he’d robbed banks.

  He started to back up but strong hands cupped his shoulders and he realized he was trapped.

  “Come, brother. It’s time to get you home.”

  * * * *

  Erin looked up as Phoebe walked into her office, two familiar cups in her hands.

  “One mocha for you and a decaf for me,” Phoebe said with a smile as she set the cup down and settled into the seat across from Erin.

  Erin closed the folder in front of her, the final report on a corporate case she and Liam had finished up last week. It included all the details of the small ring of spies in the multination
al conglomerate and ended with a ridiculously large bill. “You beat me to it. How’s your first week back?”

  Phoebe Murdoch sat down with a glowing smile on her face. “So good. Don’t get me wrong. I loved being home with my baby boy, but I missed this place so much. It’s way better than any soap opera. I went down to close cover to ask Fisher about his weird way of reporting hourly payroll. He sent me handwritten notes. Not kidding. One of them was nothing more than Mr. Harrison wanted late-night sushi. Two hours. Really? That whole department is a massive mess. Anyway, as I was walking in, some blonde chick slapped the shit out of the new guy and yelled that he better hope she’s not pregnant and stormed out. Remy laughed his ass off.”

  Close cover was McKay-Taggart code for the personal security section of the company. Private bodyguards. In the beginning, the founding members had handled those jobs themselves, but now Big Tag and the others preferred more cerebral jobs to throwing their bodies in front of bullets.

  “Please tell me she wasn’t a client.” Unfortunately, most of the close cover guys were young and unattached. Erin liked to avoid the frat house if she could.

  Phoebe sighed. “I didn’t even think of that. Big Tag is going to have to get a whole legal team. Between those boys and the fact that Boomer can’t text and walk, someone’s going to sue us.”

  Erin shook her head. “Boomer swears he didn’t fall into that elevator shaft. He jumped because he heard a kitten crying. Scared the crap out of the marketing unit on fifteen. He climbed back up the shaft with that dumbass cat and crawled over to the air vents. But the dude is so big, the ceiling wouldn’t hold him and he dropped right in the middle of their conference table. Now he’s got the world’s most clueless cat because the damn thing won’t leave him alone and they threatened to sue Big Tag. Charlotte fixed it though. We paid for the repairs and Top is catering their weekly lunches for a month.”

  Charlotte was excellent at cleaning up the messes the boys sometimes made.

  “See, I missed that,” Phoebe said with a frown. “I love my baby, but I missed the chaos.” She sobered a bit. “How are you doing?”