Holding Onto You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  Darkness. What a funny word that carries such evilness and fear. It takes a strong person to overcome darkness who is able to see past it and reach for the light. The light can be anyone or anything.

  Walking away from my light is the one decision I regret the most. I didn’t want to walk away but leaving him behind was the best thing to do. It’s been over four years and I still think about him all the time.

  My mouth dropped. She was talking about me. Sophia still thought about me and I read her status over and over again. There was the hint of hope I needed to get her back. I clicked around more on her profile and looked through her pictures. There was a lot with the girl she was running with. “She’s hot. Bet you feel stupid,” he laughed.

  “Don’t remind me.” I clicked through her pictures. There were some of her out with friends and some selfies but then I clicked on the last few pictures. “What the fuck?” Connor got off my bed and walked over to me. I pointed at the picture. It was Sophia with her douche bag looking boyfriend. I’ve seen a picture of them and knew about him but there was something about the pictures she had posted that killed me. He had his hands through hers and his body was connected with hers.

  “Oh shit.”

  I slammed the laptop shut and stormed out of my room. Fuck it. Fuck this shit. I grabbed my sneakers and ran out the door. I started running and filled my lungs with the night air. This was my escape and only time I felt something. The only time I experienced being alive was when I worked out or when I was with Sophia. I fought back the fear that Sophia wouldn’t come back to me. Was I reaching for the stars?

  I turned left and ran down the street. Everything felt distant and unfamiliar. I wasn’t sure where I was running but I knew I had to get out and clear my fucking head. That picture was glued in my head but something was wrong. Sophia looked happy, but I knew that smile. That was her polite smile. I stopped running to catch my breath. I faced the night air and closed my eyes. Sophia wasn’t happy with that fool. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Doctor Burns running my way.

  “Adam?” He asked while taking out his ear buds. “Son?”

  We shook hands and he started laughing, “When did you get back? Your mother said you boys were coming but I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to her. I’ve been up with Sophia.” His voice trailed off. “So how are you?”

  “I’m alright sir. What are you doing out here?”

  “I just finished having dinner with Sophia.” He looked at me and it seemed he was waiting for me to say something.

  “Oh, how was dinner?” I asked, putting my hands in my shorts.

  “It was good. Have you gotten a chance to talk to her?”

  “I haven’t talked to Sophia but I will once I start classes. Connor and I got accepted so we’ll be with her again.” A smile came across his face. “Hey, do you know Sophia’s boyfriend?”

  Doctor Burns shook his head. “Yeah. Kyle. He’s a character. I’m not a fan and I think Sophia is with him to be with him but who knows. Let’s go for a run, son. We have four years to catch up on.”

  We made our way to the diner and talked about life and what was going on. He told me about his trips to Africa and Asia-taking part in doctors without borders. He and his team went to countries and helped kids with the surgeries needed to live a full life. Everything was done with donations from the hospital and throwing events, which Mother was part of. Our community was friendly and always wanted to lend a helping hand. He went on and told me more about Sophia. When I asked him how she was doing, he paused, took a drink of his coffee, and told me that she was sad. He stated that he was glad I was back and maybe when Sophia saw me she too would be happy again.

  I told him about school and Boston. It was nice to let him know how I was doing and to hear more about Sophia. Doctor Burns paid for our dinner and we walked out together. I saw two boys and a girl walking towards us. The girl was in the middle and they were laughing and smiling. The boy on her right had his arm around her, while the boy on her left walked a little bit ahead and it seemed as though he was protecting them. Their shield for the ugly world. That was how Connor, Sophia, and I were-just like that. Doctor Burns saw what I saw and we both watched the three friends walk past us and heard their laughter as they continued walking down the sidewalk.

  Chapter 6

  I never felt more alone than I did as I sat in my new office, looking out at the sky. I’m twenty-two years old and was now the owner of a multimillion-dollar company. How was this happening? Father believed in Connor and I. I knew we would make him proud. He would still be around and we had Joseph to help, but he really needed to step down for the sake of his health.

  I sat at my mahogany desk looking at the piles of paper that I needed to go through. My computer was set up and I had my pictures on my desk. There were boxes all over. Business books, reports, news articles. There was a large sleek black wooden bookcase to the left side and a wet bar on the other side. In front of my desk there were two cushion chairs and a couch in the corner. The office was large and it felt good to be here but something was missing. I looked at my favorite picture of Sophia. It was taken the last time we were in Florida. She was sitting on a towel with her black aviators glasses on. Damn. She was beautiful and looked carefree. I immersed myself in the memories of her and recalling every smile and the sound of her laugh. I couldn’t hide my desperation of wanting to be near her again. I closed my eyes and let my body finally relax. That day on the beach in Miami came to my head.

  “Adam! Come on!” She grabs my hand and pulls me up from the sand. “I want to go swimming!”

  “Alright alright pretty girl.” I get up and bring her up in my arms.

  “Adammmmmmmmm ahhhhhhh.”

  I love hearing her laugh. She has the most beautiful and amazing laugh. Everything about her is simply amazing. I want to tell her how much I love my best friend. I look into her eyes and see my future. I know I’m young but it didn’t matter. Sophia and I know each other inside and out. We’re meant for each other.

  I look at my future as her face buries in my shoulder. I run faster and she holds onto me tighter. The ocean waves are glorious. The sun hits the ocean just right.

  Connor’s in the background laughing. I want to live in this moment for the rest of my life. My beauty in my arms. Family behind us. Perfection.

  I run into the ocean and feel the warmth hit my feet and run up my legs.

  “Adammmm! Don’t drop me!”

  “Never.” I kiss her head and once I’m far enough in the ocean, I throw pretty girl in. She goes down but comes right back up. The water flows from her head. Her wet blonde hair swings from side to side as she comes up for air.

  “You’re dead!”

  She swims after me but I get away from her. We swim like this for a few minutes. I take a deep breath and go under. I can see her swimming while under the water. I swim up and place my hands on her flat stomach. I push her up as if she weighs nothing and throw her into the air. I can’t stop laughing. I swim to where she splashes and take her in my arms.

  “Pretty girl.”

  “I hate you!” I give her my sad face and she pushes my face away. “I could never hate you, Adam.”

  I kiss her cheek. “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if you did.”

  She wraps her arms around my neck and looks into my eyes. “And you’ll never know what it’s like.”

  “But you’re gone pretty girl.” I whispered to the picture frame. Everything felt foreign again. I needed to see her again; I would’ve done anything to just hear her voice. Time was running out and I was starting to lose hope that the decision to come back was the right decision. I should’ve taken the time and made sure she was okay. Would being back be enough for Sophia to believe me?

  I wondered about her and where she could possibly be. I couldn’t stop thinking about that picture of her and her douche bag boyfriend. I let out a frustrated grunt and placed the picture back down next to my computer. The weight of guilt was drastically
increasing. I scowled thinking about how that should be me with her and not fucking Kyle..I had to talk to her. I had to do something. Anything. I grabbed my things, shut off my computer, and headed out.

  I ran down the stairs and into the office garage. I took my keys out and pressed the unlock button. I got in my black Lexus, started the car, and began heading to the university.

  I weaved in and out of traffic. All I could think about was Sophia. Seeing her. Talking to her. Letting her know I was back and I wasn’t leaving.

  I got to the university in record time. I parked my car and got out. I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t care. All I thought about was her. My life and my future.

  I started walking around campus. It was nice here; nothing like Boston. The students on campus said “hi” to me as I passed. It felt good to be here. It was a different but familiar feeling. This was home to me.

  The humid July heat was harsh. The hot, beating sun was shining down on everyone and everything. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky. I walked around some more and saw a set of dorm rooms. This should lead me somewhere.

  I walked around some more and saw a girl sitting on a bench. I couldn’t see who she was and wondered if it could be Sophia.

  Her blond hair was free. Her hands were behind her back as she looked at up the sky. Her head cocked to the side. I walked up closer but stopped. “Shit,” I muttered. I stayed back and took out my cell phone. I blocked my number so she wouldn’t see it when the call popped up on her cell phone. I knew if she saw my number, she would’ve been scared. I needed to know if the girl sitting in front of me was her. I put the phone up to my ear and heard it ringing. I was about to hang up when I saw the girl picking up her phone and looking at the number.

  Sophia.

  I walked to her. My dream. She was here, finally. Just as I was about to call out her name, someone called out her name and ran to her. Fuck. Boyfriend alert. I saw him sit down next to her and grab hold of her hand. I couldn’t look anymore.

  I turned around and ran back to my car.

  Bar. I needed alcohol.

  I got in my car and drove to Oscar’s. I walked in the dimly lit bar and took a seat. I pulled out my ID and asked for three shots of tequila. The pretty brown haired bartender gave me my order, “Here you go, dollface. Hope this helps your broken heart.”

  I took the first shot. “I’m fine.” I took the second shot. “How did you know?” I took the third shot and looked to her for an answer.

  “You have that look in your eyes as if you found what you were looking for but then it was taken away from you.”

  I looked down at the empty shot glasses. She was right. I saw Sophia and I was close to making my move but then Kyle came into view and I saw him take what was supposed to be mine. Fuck, Sophia will be mine and I don’t care what I have to do to get her back. “Three more, please.”

  She smiled at me while grabbing the bottle. She brought it over to us and poured my shots. “What’s your name, doll?”

  I took the fourth shot. “Adam. What’s yours?”

  She took my shot and tossed it back like I did. “Amber. It’s nice to meet you.” She poured two more shots. “Talk to me and let it out. I’m here to listen.”

  I smiled back at her and we both took the shots together. “Are you ready to hear a fucked up story about a boy who let the love of his life walk out?”

  Her eyes grew wide and a sad expression crossed her features. “All the time in the world.”

  I rubbed my face with my hands and looked the other way, trying to figure out the best way to tell my heart breaking and fucked up story. “I fell in love when I was baby, do you think that’s possible?”

  “I think so.” Amber continued to wipe the counter but her eyes never left mine.

  “She’s the best person I know. You know, I was going to tell her how much I love her but then things got fucked up and I lost her. I let her slip from my fingers.”

  Amber stopped wiping the counter and leaned forward. “What happened?”

  “I got stupid.” I rubbed the back of my head. “She got mad at me because I wasn’t there for her but I was only seventeen and didn’t know any better.”

  She scoffed, “Men.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Anyways, she walked out on me and the saved me but I was too ashamed to get her back so I left her alone.” I felt the sadness burning inside me. “And now, she’s got this stupid boyfriend and I don’t know what to do.”

  Amber stood there looking at me. She was quiet for a few minutes but kept looking at me. “Make it known your back. Keep trying. If you love her and want her back then you’ll find a way.” She went back and wiped the counters.

  I felt hands on my back and smelled vanilla. I turned around and it wasn’t who I wanted it to be. “Oh, hey Julie.”

  “Adam what are you doing?” She looked at me and sat down, never taking her eyes off of me.

  I picked up my glass of scotch and waved it in front of my face. “Much needed alcohol,” I slurred my words and felt dizzy. Damn too many shots.

  She laughed and started stroking my arm. No, no she can’t be here next to me. What if Sophia came in and saw then she’d get mad and get the wrong impression. I moved my arm away and saw Amber looking over at us.

  “Jules whatcha doing back here? It’s your day off today.” Amber stated in a matter of fact tone.

  She tossed her hair to the right and smiled again. “I just wanted to see Adam and catch up with him. Did you know,” she started to say still stroking my arm, “I had the biggest crush on Adam while we were in high school but he was always with Sophia.” Her other hand rested on my thigh and I felt uncomfortable but didn’t want to embarrass her and push her away. I played the game she was playing and knew to stop drinking.

  “Well I’m not sure what you want me to say,” I finished my drink and paid Amber. I started to get up and wobbled a little. “Whoa.”

  “Here let me take you home.”

  I walked out of the bar with Julie and everything was spinning. It was dark out and there weren’t that many people in the parking lot. When we got to my car, I took out my keys and handed them to her. Her hand grazed over mine when she looked up and stared into my eyes. I knew it was Julie but I saw Sophia and her beautiful eyes and sexy smile. I brought my hands to her face and touched her lips with my fingers. “You’re here.” I smiled and brought her face to mine. I closed my eyes and our lips crashed into one another. I dragged my tongue across the top of her lips and pushed her mouth opened with my tongued. I caressed her and heard soft moans. She wrapped her arms around my waist and pushed herself closer to my body. Something felt different and the feeling of Sophia slowly disappeared.

  I broke the kiss and looked at her again. I blinked a few times and it wasn’t Sophia I saw. “Shit,” I pushed away from her arms and walked away. “I’m really sorry Julie. I-I um just I’m sorry.”

  She came over to me and tugged on my arm. “Adam, it’s okay. I wanted to kiss you. Come back and I’ll take you home.”

  I shook my head and smiled again. “It’s alright. I’ll get a ride. It was good seeing you Julie.” Before hearing what else she had to say, I turned around and walked back in. When I walked in and took a seat, Amber came over and smiled. “Don’t. Can you call Connor for me please?”

  “Sure thing,” she smirked and took my cell phone.

  I placed my head on the table and closed my eyes. Sophia came to my mind and I drifted away to the only place I could have her again.

  Chapter 7

  I woke up on my side, “What the fuck?”

  My head was pounding. I felt like I wanted to take out my insides and throw them in the garbage. I slowly got up and opened my eyes. Connor was sitting at my computer eating a bagel.

  Fuck.

  I quickly got up and ran to the bathroom. I opened the door and within seconds my head was in the toilet and in my stomach was coming out.

  “Ugh!”

  Splash.


  “Fuck.”

  “You look like shit dude.” Connor was laughing behind me.

  “Towel.”

  I heard the water running in the sink and threw up some more. Connor handed me the washcloth and I started wiping my face.

  “So,” Connor started to say. “Mind telling me what happened last night?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t even know.”

  “Well,” he started to say, still eating his bagel. “I got a call from Amber, the bartender, who told me to come get you. First off, you owe me fifty bucks for puking in my car and second,” he started laughing, “You really need to get laid or something because you cried the whole time and yelled for Sophia.”

  I rubbed the towel against my forehead. Everything from last night was foggy. “Damn, what the hell am I going to do?” Last night was a blur.

  Connor helped me up to my feet and brought me back to my room. I sat down and put my head between my hands.

  “It’ll be alright. You just gotta be patient. You can’t expect her to come back to you. Focus your energy on other things right now.” He looked at his watch. “I’m heading to the office. You should stop by.”

  “Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks Connor.”

  He nodded his head and walked out of my room.

  Sweat trickled down my face as I thought about everything. This wasn’t the life I wanted and I needed to start focusing on Optimax, school, and basketball. Getting back with Sophia might be out of my reach and who knows if she even felt the same way.

  I wondered how bad I’d fuck things up if Sophia ever came back to me. Would she keep running away? I couldn’t stand the thoughts and what ifs. I laid back down on my bed and closed my eyes and drifted away to a place where broken hearts didn’t exist. This was my place that I needed to go because reality wasn’t a fair game and it was being a bitch to me.