Holding Onto You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  *****

  I was at the school’s gym on the treadmill with Yellowcard’s “Only You” blaring in my ears from my iPhone. I pushed the speed to six mph and tried to forget about everything that dealt with Sophia, but it was a lost cause. Then out of nowhere it hit me when the chorus of the song came on. She was my only one and I couldn’t give up. We all made mistakes but mistakes were meant to be forgiven. I didn’t care how selfish I was being, I was brought back to North Carolina for a reason. I needed to try harder and show her that I’m back for good and I wasn’t leaving her alone anymore. I needed her to talk to me and let me back in. She deserved an explanation and I needed to get rid of this guilt. The mere thought of her not knowing what I felt tore me apart and caused an ache throughout my body. I couldn’t bear being around her again and not having her back. This was it; this was what I needed to do.

  After thirty minutes of running, I got off the treadmill and got my bag from the locker room. The work out helped but I was still frustrated. The pent up aggravation still ate away at me. I felt dizzy so I took out my water bottle and drank more water. I walked out of the gym and started walking back to the apartment. I turned the corner when someone walked right into me. They jerked their body from mine and when I looked to see who was standing in front of me, my mouth went dry and I couldn’t talk.

  Sophia.

  “Adam.” Her voice was small and I could tell she was shocked to see me. Her eyes went wide and I wanted to put a smile on her face.

  “Hey pretty girl.” I should’ve walked away and not looked back but she had me at the palm of her hand. I was tired of not being around her and wanted things to be normal. “How are you?”

  She looked away from me and looked at her damn shoes. “I-I have to go, Adam.”

  I grabbed her arm, “No. Sophia, wait!” She turned her head and looked at me. All the breath in me disappeared. She needed to hear me out. “I’m sorry, alright?” I was waiting for a response from her but nothing came. She stared at me and looked confused. “Please, pretty girl, answer me.” I was still holding her hand and didn’t want to let her go, not yet. “I don’t care what you’re thinking but no one is going to make me change my mind and I don’t care who you’re with. I’m back Soph and I’m not leaving again. Please can you say something?”

  The awkward silence was killing me. Why couldn’t she answer me? I struggled with myself and nearly took her in my arms so I could feel her heart beating with mine. She took my arm and backed away from me. “I can’t do this, Adam.”

  Before I could say anything, she ran from me and never looked back. This was my punishment and the beginning of a long road to redemption.

  I stood there and watched her as she walked away from me. I was frozen and couldn’t move. She kept walking and when she turned the corner, she was gone. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. My heart broke again and this time I wasn’t sure what I had to do. I turned around and walked back to the apartment. When I got back, I saw Connor at the kitchen table on his laptop.

  “Hey,” I said putting my bag down and grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

  “What’s up? How was the gym?”

  I took a sip of my water. “Fine. I saw Sophia. We talked for two seconds and she walked away from me.”

  Connor looked up from the laptop and narrowed his eyes. “Listen, I know you want her back and all, but you gotta stop. Focus, Adam. We have try outs tomorrow and we need to start thinking about Optimax. You can’t keep going back and forth with this. Now you know I love Sophia and I miss her, but she’s fucking with your head and you can’t even see it.”

  I brought the water bottle to my lips again and downed all the water. He was right. Sophia was clouding my mind, but it wasn’t her fault. “Yeah, you’re right but I can’t let her go, Connor.”

  “You need to slow it down,” Connor snapped. “You can’t expect that she’s coming back to you when you want. Give her some time. She needs to see that you’re here for good and you aren’t playing games. Four years is a long time bro. She wants to make sure you’re the same person and if you really want her back, you’ll respect that.”

  I listened to what he was saying and he was right. I couldn’t expect Sophia to come back without asking questions and being cautious. She had every right to be worried. I went back to the kitchen and grabbed a beer. I twisted off the cap and tossed the cap in the trash. I took a swig of my beer as Connor watched me closely.

  “Can you promise me something?”

  “What?”

  Connor stood up and walked over to me. “Time and patience alright and don’t lose focus. This is our senior year and we need to make sure everything is perfect. Mother and Father are counting on us.”

  “Alright,” I let out a sigh. “I’m going to my room. Thanks for listening.”

  He slapped my back, “You know I’m here for you.”

  I smiled at him and finished my beer. I placed the empty bottle next to the sink. I walked away and headed back to my room. I closed the door and fell on top of my bed. I looked at the ceiling. This feeling had been with me for too long and I needed to let go of missing her and wanting her. It was obvious she didn’t want me around but a part of me was still holding onto her and the chance that maybe she could change her mind. I got up from my bed and looked outside. It seemed peaceful and beautiful, unlike the chaos of Boston.

  Later that night as I slept, I tossed and turned uneasily. I’d spent a few hours watching movies Sophia and I watched together. It felt like she was here by my side like she never left. Every weekend she’d be over at my house and we stayed in my room, laughing, talking, and feeling as if nothing else mattered because it was just us. She laid on my lap and I’d stroked her hair wondering what she’d look like on top of me. She never noticed how hard I got when she was around, at least I didn’t think so. Nothing ever happened between us even though it crossed my mind every time we were together. She was shy around the topic of sex and her face always turned red when there’d be a sex scene during a movie we’d be watching. My sweet and innocent Sophia.

  I sat up in bed and pulled out the photo album she made for me. There were pictures of us from when we were little until senior year, before her mom passed away. I memorized her smile and each expression. How could everything we built crash with a few stupid mistakes? The nagging notion that I was doing too much or not enough kept attacking me. I wasn’t sure if I was pushing her too hard or if this was what she needed. Sophia meant everything to me and I wasn’t going to fail her again.

  “I miss you, Sophia,” I whispered hoping that in some way she could hear me.

  Chapter 8

  We woke up the next morning and went for a run. Connor kept reminding me to keep my cool today and to remain focused. I knew he hated the drama, but he stood by me.

  “Just focus alright? It’s important you don’t lose your head.”

  “I miss her Connor. We talked for a minute and then she left as if I was going to hurt her.” We kept running. “What can I do?”

  Connor paused for a moment. “There’s nothing you can do. You just need to give her time.”

  “Yeah.”

  After running about three miles, we got back to the apartment, drank a protein shake, and changed into basketball shorts and white tees.

  “Ready?”

  I nodded and we headed to campus.

  Day one of basketball try-outs and we were both excited. I knew we would make the team; we were stars in high school and at college in Boston so this would be cake. When we got to the gym, my mouth dropped and I stopped dead center.

  “Yo?”

  I couldn’t say anything. Fucker was going for the team too?

  Connor shook me. I shook my head and look at him. “Sophia’s new boyfriend.” I pointed in his direction and thought about leaving.

  “Yeah? And? Dude, come on. Think about it. We make the team and you get to see her. She gets to see you. Am I right?”

  Damn. He was right. I had
to think about making the team because if I made the team, I’d be able to see Sophia at the games and hopefully talk to her. I threw those thoughts to the back of my head. “Come on. Let’s get on this team.”

  Fist bump.

  Then it hit me out of nowhere. I swallowed the lump in my throat. My insides started shaking. My eyes went wide. My heart was racing. Flashes of light went through me.

  Sophia.

  She was sitting on the bleachers. Laughing. Happy. She was sitting with someone else. The same girl that was running with her in the park.

  Damn, Sophia was beautiful. Her long blonde hair and smile captured my heart. She was laughing out loud and expressing her words with her hands. She was wearing pink shorts with a white tee and looked incredible. She was flawless. I couldn’t stop looking at her. I wanted to call out for her. I wanted her to know that I was here but something stopped me.

  Him.

  I watched as he put his arm around her. Her body went stiff and that smile disappeared. What the hell? What just happened? I knew my reservations about Kyle were real and it wasn’t just in my head. He was bad news and I could tell by Sophia’s body language. She responded as if she were scared of him. What the fuck was he doing to her? I swallowed hard and fought the urge of wanting to punch Kyle in the face. My fists clenched by my sides and I was burning up with anger.

  Connor pulled me away. “Not today, man. Come on. Let’s go meet the guys.”

  I tried to calm down but I couldn’t get the image of how scared she was out of my head. We walked to the large group of guys and introduced ourselves. Everyone went crazy and started talking about how they watched us when we played for Boston. We laughed and felt flattered and the guys seemed excited to have us on the team.

  “Alright, listen up ladies,” the douche bag yelled as he came towards us. “I’m Kyle and welcome to hell. Coach Roberts can’t be here today but he left me with strict instructions. He wants us to run, so let’s go bitches! Line up on the black line.” He clapped his hands three times and we made our way to the line.

  I looked up and saw Sophia. Our eyes met. I gave her a smile but the look on her face was of fear. Connor pulled me back and shook his head.”Not today. Focus, Adam.”

  She wasn’t happy to see me. Fuck. First she ran away from me and now she was terrified to see me. What the hell was going on? Did I mess everything up that bad?

  “Alright ladies. Ready? Set? Go!”

  I took off. I made it to the other side of the gym and back to the black line without any issues. Connor and I were the first to make it back.

  “Alright, good job. Let’s go again. Go for as long as you can and last man standing wins.”

  We lined up again.

  “Go!”

  I ran. Hard. This was cake. Connor and I ran every morning and night. We went at least six miles each time. After we ran we hit up the gym. Lifting and boxing. We had one day of rest. Sunday. Then it was six days of training.

  Connor and I kept a steady pace, but guys started falling out one by one. I made it back to the black line and turned back to run again. I looked and saw Sophia. She was staring at me. I knew she saw me and I could tell she knew I was looking at her.

  Patience I kept telling myself.

  Connor and I made it back to the line and Kyle dropped.

  “Come on, let’s hit it.” Connor started laughing. We made it to the other side of the gym and turned back. The team went wild and started cheering. I looked back up and Sophia was smiling. Finally.

  Suddenly, I lost balance and fell straight on my face. “Fuck!”

  Connor stopped and helped me up. “You good?”

  The team ran over to me and helped me up also. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” Sophia got up and was about to come down the bleachers but then Kyle came over to me.

  “Good job all. Alright, shirts and skins. Let’s go!”

  Sophia sat back down and looked away.

  Practice was over and I couldn’t feel anything in my body. Training six days a week did not prepare me for this. I grabbed my things and headed out. Connor and the guys stayed back and played some more, but I wasn’t feeling it.

  Sophia left a few minutes before practice ended. I wish she had stayed to at least say hi to me.

  Maybe it was too late.

  I walked alone back to the apartment and was hoping that she’d bump into me again like she did before but I made it back without seeing her. When I got into the apartment, my cell phone rang. I looked at it and saw it was Mother. I slid my finger across the screen to answer her call.

  “Hello Mother.” I said while putting down my gym bag and closing the door.

  “Hi sweetie, am I bothering you?”

  “No, just got home from try-outs. What’s up?” I walked to the kitchen table and sat down.

  I heard her moving around and wondered what was going on. “I just wanted to check up on you, see how you’re doing.”

  “I’m fine, just working out and trying to make the team.”

  “Adam,” she started to say. “Have you talked to Sophia?”

  “Um, no not really. I’ve seen her but she has a boyfriend Mother. I can’t just come back into her life and expect her to have her arms opened for me. Things have changed. She’s not the same person and I don’t think she’s happy to see me.”

  I heard her sighing into the phone. “Adam, she’s happy to see you. She’s just nervous because you’re back and you have to respect that darling. She hasn’t seen you in four years and all of a sudden your back. You must understand what she’s going through. This is hard for her.”

  I had to admit that she was right. I needed to be fair and stop springing up but I couldn’t stay away. I really wanted her to love me the way I love her. I laughed but I wanted to cry. “I want her back Mother.”

  “Darling, I know. Just be patient alright?”

  I ran my hand through my hair and smiled. “You’re right.”

  “Of course I am. Now go shower, I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “Alright, sounds good. I love you.”

  “I love you too, Adam.”

  I hung up the phone with Mother and walked back to my room. She was right and so was everyone else. I wondered how she knew about Sophia and what she was feeling. Did they talk? Does Sarah know something? I paced around my room and stopped in front of my window. I looked outside trying to find the answers I needed but it was useless. I guess I just needed to be patient. I placed my hands on the windowsill and dropped my head low. I just wanted her back.

  Chapter 9

  The next month flew by and things were coming together, except getting Sophia back. Connor and I made the basketball team that was a no brainer. Coach Roberts was a great coach and he pushed us hard. He was impressed to see Connor and me and it was good to get to know him. Coach wanted to make me captain of the team and I told him I needed to think about it because I wasn’t sure how it’d be working with Kyle.

  Practice was intense and Kyle loved to push us whenever Coach Roberts wasn’t around. There was something off about him. He stared Connor and I down constantly, but I wasn’t going to start anything with douche bag. I tried talking to him to see if we could squash whatever issues he had with me but he brushed me off and said nothing was wrong. The guys on the team told me to ignore him.

  One night when we all went out to a party, Kyle got wasted and got in my face. He screamed at me and told me to stay away from Sophia and that he saw the looks I gave her. I laughed it off and told him he was crazy. He was ready to punch me when Connor grabbed him and told him to back off. I stood there and stared at him. We kept our staring contest for a few moments when the guys told us to let it go. I told Kyle he was out of his mind and had it all wrong. He didn’t say anything but left before any of us did.

  I spent my days at practice, in the office at Optimax and working out. I tried to see Sophia again without Kyle around but they were attached at the hip. I tried smiling at her but Connor kept telling me to leave it alone
and I listened. One day I was running outside and saw her. I stayed back and watched her as she ran. Her body was sexy as hell and all I thought about was taking her away from her run and bring her back to my apartment. I wanted to do things to her and make her feel pleasure. I wanted to feel her sexy body close to mine and I never wanted to let her go. Realizing my temptation to take her, I shook out the notion of wanting to be with her and left without looking back. I kept telling myself that I needed to be patient.

  Today was the first day of classes. I was excited because there was a chance I’d have at least one class with Sophia. I tried to hack into the school system and access their database but I couldn’t get through their firewall. It was almost impossible. When I woke up from a good nights rest, I smiled because today was a new day, and shit, I was going to make it great.

  I grabbed my towel and went to the bathroom. I took a quick shower, got dressed, did my hair, and went to the kitchen to grab some breakfast. I had English this morning. I decided to wear my cargo shorts and a white polo. First day of classes and I felt nervous but happy. There was something about today that got me excited, yet I still felt like something was going to happen.

  When I got to the kitchen, I pulled out two slices of bread and put the slices into the toaster. I got a jar of peanut butter from the cabinet and waited for the toaster to pop. After a few minutes, the slices were toasted; I spread on some peanut butter and got my backpack. Connor was still sleeping when I left.

  I stepped outside and couldn’t breathe. The skies were clear and the blazing sun was out. The August heat was a killer, but I loved it. It was nice to be back in North Carolina and have the sun shining down.

  The walk to campus wasn’t bad. It usually only took me a few minutes to get there, but today I took my time and soaked it all in. There were students everywhere. I nodded over at some of the guys on the team and made small talk with people I’ve met since being here.