Tattered & Torn

by A. J. Downey

  “What that means is that I swear to protect you. I’m going to love you, and no matter how much you frustrate me or irritate me, or piss me the fuck off, or try to push me away or any of that, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. It’s my duty to be there for you, to hold you to make sure you have everything that you need and hell, some things you don’t but you’re going to get ‘em anyways because it makes you happy. Best way for me to provide any of those things is if you’re here, with me.”

  I shifted slightly and smiled because everything he was saying sounded too good to be true but at the same time…

  “What if I want a shiny red bicycle?” I asked and he laughed at my sass and pulled me in tight.

  “Done,” he said. I laughed with him, feeling lighter than I ever could remember because Ghost… Ghost didn’t bullshit. He wasn’t like that. In the over two years that I had known him he had never, not once gone back on his word to anybody. That still didn’t stop me from being afraid or from worrying that if it was too good to be true…

  “I can’t promise I’m not going to be a pain in the ass,” I murmured.

  “Wouldn’t expect anything less out of a fireball like you,” he said, then asked, “Does that mean it’s settled then and we can move your shit?” I made an incredulous noise.

  “No! I’m not sure about moving in I mean holy geeze! We just started fucking!” Wrong thing to say, so wrong because he had me back against the door frame, one of his powerful thighs between my own so that my sex was pressed to the top of his denim clad leg and my toes barely touched the floor. My heart hammered the inside of my ribs like a damned xylophone and my breath caught in my throat as his gaze bore hot and heavy into mine.

  “Don’t you ever call it that again Shelly.”

  Oh shit. He used my name. He never really used my name, just like Reaver. I swallowed hard.

  “I-I’m sorry,” I said. He kept my gaze pinned with a hard stare of his own and I think I knew what it felt like to be an insect pinned to a board for display.

  “While we’re cutting the bullshit out of the equation, I’m going to be clear on this. There may be a time when I fuck you, but it hasn’t happened yet. You get me?” I nodded not trusting my voice.

  “Tell me you understand.”

  “I understand,” I croaked. He softened and let me down, I slid the couple of inches to the floor, the thick leather of his jacket and cut protecting me from any splinters from the door frame.

  “You don’t have to be afraid of me Baby,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I lost my temper there, but I love you and I haven’t and won’t touch you with anything less. I will never hit you, I will never hurt you but please… don’t call it that.” I stared fixedly at the colorful Sacred Hearts tattoo on his arm and felt my cheeks flame. He backed out of my personal space and I was a little outraged with myself at the bereft feeling it caused rather than the relieved one I expected.

  “Say something please?” he said and his voice was tinged with worry.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m um… I’m just really…” I struggled. I was so not used to talking about my feelings.

  “You’re just really what?” he asked and the gentleness was back. I closed my eyes and breathed out and felt my shoulders drop defeated. I was suddenly bone weary. I heard him sigh and his hands closed on the shoulders of his jacket. He pulled me into his arms and my hands found the warm skin of his back as I took shelter there.

  “Overwhelmed?” he tried. I nodded.

  “Okay,” he said and flipped out the overhead light in the office.

  “Okay?”

  “Okay, Princess.” He led me back to the bedroom and eased me out of his coat, hanging it somewhere on the back of the bedroom door. He led me gently by the hand and pulled back the blankets on the bed. I crawled in and he got in with me but left his pants on. I kind of appreciated that. He held me close and breathed out a long sigh, his breath ruffling my hair.

  “I’ve been going at my own pace for so long I forget that sometimes the rest of the world needs me to slow the fuck down. I’m trying Princess. You gotta believe me,” he kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes. Of course the room was so dark it didn’t make a difference. Open, closed, it might as well be one and the same.

  “I know, I’m sorry,” I ventured but he shushed me.

  “Nothing to be sorry about, we’ll figure it out as we go along,” and I finally relaxed because it really was as simple as that. We would figure it out as we went along. Ghost was more intense than I had ever given him credit for.

  “Instant Karma…” I murmured.

  “What?” he asked.

  “I’ve always been the intense one. You’re my Karma. Now I know what it’s like.” He laughed, one of those laughs that starts out slow and then builds up into one of those rich full on belly laughs. I laughed with him and finally he settled down and I settled with him, beyond tired this time. One second I was there and then next I was in what must have been a deep and dreamless sleep.

  The next time I opened my eyes it was to a set that perfectly mirrored my own. My cousin Reaver lay stretched out next to me like when we were kids, our noses almost touching.

  “Jesus Reave!” I startled. He laughed at me, the laughter cutting off abruptly when I sat up faster than light expecting to be in my room back at his place, my worst fear coming true that it had all been one vivid and intensely real dream, but no… I was in an unfamiliar bedroom in an unfamiliar bed that smelled strongly of the outdoors and woods. I looked down at the deep navy blue goose down comforter pooling in my lap and the oversized General Motors throwback tee shirt I was wearing that I hadn’t gone to sleep in.

  “What’re you doing here!?” I blurted and looked down at my big cuz, who had his head propped on his hand.

  “Ghost called. Brought you some clothes, I had Hayden pack the bag for you so I didn’t have to touch your panties,” he made a face and I smacked him.

  “Hey! Ow! So violent missy!”

  “I learned it from you!” I said.

  “True dat,” then he made a face, “I could swear I taught you to hit harder than – Ow!”

  “Hey!” Ghost barked from the doorway, “You abusing my woman?” he held two mugs of steaming coffee.

  “No, she’s abusing me!” Reave complained.

  “Oh, well, carry on then.” He strode across the hardwood and area rug already dressed for the day and held out a steaming mug I took it from him and found lightly colored coffee I sipped tentatively. Lots of cream and sugar just the way I liked it.

  “What’d you bring me?” I asked Reave.

  “I don’t know! I told you I had Hayden pack it. Enough for a week, just like Ghost said,” I coughed, choking on a sip of coffee. Ghost lifted the cup out of my hands and Reave slapped me on the back.

  “A week?” I squeaked.

  “A compromise,” Ghost murmured, “Stay with me a week, if you’re still not sure about moving in then stay with me another.”

  “How is that a compromise!?” I demanded.

  “You want to move your shit in now?” he demanded back, giving me as good as he got. I glowered at him. Reave bounced between us like some demented tennis match and threw his two cents in.

  “Damn I need some popcorn.”

  “She’s mine, she should be here,” Ghost said.

  “Yeah I get it bro,” Reaver said putting up his hands.

  “Reaver! I can’t believe you’re taking his side!” I cried. This was way out of control, I hated it when shit got too far out of my control.

  “Way I see it, I’m taking yours Baby Cousin. The man says he loves you and wants to take care of you. Who am I to argue?” and that was the point where I think I snapped.

  If I had sleeves I’d be rolling them up because I was about to break it off in my cousin’s ass. Not that it would do any good. Reaver was as unflappable as they came and truthfully I was only putting up a fight because it felt like they were taking the decisio
n out of my hands. I wanted what Ghost was handing me but quailed on the inside because what if I broke it? So I pushed like I always did to see how far it’d bend before it broke… if it broke.

  I started in on my cousin, “Oh! Really? Guys say a lot of fucking things Reaver!” I threw back the blankets and got up not even caring, not that Reaver did. We were family and might as well be siblings for how close we were growing up. Ghost made a strangled noise and I rounded on him.

  “What!?” I demanded and he put up his hands, leaving the coffee on the bedside table. His expression was grim and I knew I was about to break it, but I just couldn’t help it. Good things like Ghost just didn’t happen to girls like me and the dam had burst. I railed. Dropping to my knees and ripping open the zipper on the small suitcase Reaver had brought.

  “Remember Tommy Flanagan?” I asked Reaver. “He said we were forever, said nothing would ever tear us apart, until he started fucking Molly Atwood! Oh and what about Marshall Adams? Remember him? ‘I’ll never hurt you, babe’ well it sure fucking hurt when he knocked out those two teeth in the back!” Reaver sighed and looked bored.

  “Yeah and I broke his arm in three places and they had to put him in a medically induced coma until the swelling on his brain went down,” Reaver said.

  “Not the point Reaver!” I shouted and pulled a pair of black running pants on. The fitted stretchy kind. I ripped Ghost’s tee over my head.

  “Jesus Christ Shelly!” Ghost shouted and I yelled back, “Oh please! It’s nothing either of you haven’t seen before!” He gave Reaver a weird look and Reaver waved him off like he was being an idiot which he was.

  “I will not be told what the fuck to do!” I ripped a runner’s bra over my head and shoved everything into place. Reaver sighed.

  “No one’s telling you what to do Runt.”

  “Well actually, I sort of am,” Ghost looked a little guilty.

  “Yeah but it’s for her own good,” Reaver said and I sputtered indignant.

  “Stop talking about me like I’m not right fucking here!” I screeched.

  “Well fuck! There’s no talking to you when you get like this! Go on! Yell, scream, throw your tantrum, run away and wear yourself out like you always do Shelly! God damn! I’ve already warned him. You’re not going to break this one. That’s why I like him!” I fucking hated Reaver in that instant. I hurled the first thing I could grab at him which happened to be one of my Chuck Taylor’s and he caught it, snatching it out of the air. A switchblade appeared in his hand and he flicked it open and that calmed my shit right down. I stilled.

  “You wanna throw shit Baby Cuz, I’ll throw shit too,” his eyes had gone that creepy distant that if you were smart, told you that shit had just gotten real and you were about to get hurt and that is when Ghost made good on his word. He pointed a gun at my cousin’s head.

  “That’s my woman you’re threatening there Bro,” Reaver kept his eyes locked on mine.

  “She was my cousin before she was your woman.”

  “Doesn’t matter, she’s mine now and I know what you can do with that thing. Make it disappear before my trigger finger gets twitchy.” I looked from one to the other of them, back and forth, back and forth and finally my cousin’s eyes warmed back up and the blade in his hand was just gone, like smoke like it had never existed. Ghost aimed his handgun skyward and I dropped like a stone onto my ass and burst into fucking tears.

  “I can’t even fight with you anymore?” I cried and Reaver looked a cross between amused and a little saddened. He dropped into a crouch and stayed a distance away.

  “Apparently not Baby Cuz,” he said and opened his arms. I crawled over and hugged him and sobbed into his tee shirt and Ghost put up his gun and looked poleaxed.

  “What. The. Fuck?” he shouted.

  “I told you she’d push limits and be a pain in the ass and try to break it. Reason it doesn’t work with me is I fight back. I get a free pass on everything and she does too. We’re family,” Reaver tried to explain.

  “Fucked up and dysfunctional,” I moaned.

  “Yep. She screams and rages and we have it out about nothing and she feels back in control and we move on,” Reaver rocked me back and forth. We’d been doing it since we were kids.

  “How about a run Runt? Will a run make it better?” he asked. I nodded and tried to pull my shit together. If I couldn’t fight then a run was the next best thing.

  “Okay Baby, you’re halfway there. Come on. Up you go,” Reaver stood us up and I looked at Ghost who looked confused as Hell and I despaired.

  “Finish getting dressed,” Ghost said.

  “You too Buddy. She ain’t going alone,” Reaver told him. Reave was pretty much already dressed for it in basketball shorts, running shoes and his ever-present tee shirt and hoodie. Fresh tears welled up and I asked him.

  “How did you know?” he pulled me into a tight hug with a sigh. Reaver always seemed to know what I needed before I even did.

  “Runt, I was there when you were born and I’ve been there every day since. I’m always gonna know. I’m magic like that. Now do what you need to do to shove things around and meet me out front so I can try to keep up, just like I’ve been trying every day since you popped out.” He shook me a little and let go and he and Ghost went out. Ghost carrying a bundle of sweats.

  I stood still for a minute and got my shit together some before pulling on the rest of my running gear, correctly this time. Lacing my shoes up tight and double knotting them. It was getting to be time for a new pair and thankfully, I was gainfully employed again to be able to afford it.

  I looked around the bedroom and sniffed. Angry tears welling up again which just made me friggin’ angrier. I hated crying, I hated feeling fucking vulnerable and out of control and I hated that I was doing entirely too much of all of those things lately. I almost, almost had myself talked into hating Ghost for causing me to feel these things but there was that damned voice of self-reasoning in the back of my mind! Whispering from the dark corners like it was scared I’d lash out at it next, it said: Only you can make yourself feel anything. Ghost has nothing to do with that. He’s trying to help you. It was right, and fuck if that didn’t piss me off even more.

  Bottom line, I was a hot fucking mess and I was more terrified of breaking this, of losing Ghost with one of my epic freak outs than I was of anything else. I needed this run. I needed to put my body in motion and expend all of this nervous energy before I imploded, or worse, exploded. Dr. Hubbard called it a coping mechanism and said that as far as coping mechanisms went it wasn’t too bad of one seeing as it kept me physically fit.

  My mind was racing, grasping at so many nonsensical and nonessential things it wasn’t even funny. I needed to run, to get those endorphins going; to get my body moving like a well-oiled machine so that I could focus again. It was time to see if Ghost really could keep up.

  Chapter 18

  Ghost…

  “I’ve never seen her like this, does it happen very often?” I was getting dressed in the middle of my kitchen. Reaver, who was leaning against the counter, gave a Gallic shrug that could mean nothing and could mean everything at the same time.

  “You gotta understand how we grew up,” he imparted a little sadly. “My mom is a hard core alchie, Shelly’s mom though, fucking meth addict. There wasn’t any order to anything so it was chaos all day every day. You never knew what Aunt Shari was gonna do from one day to the next. I tried, I really did, to give Shelly some semblance of normal but I was five when she was born and had to deal with raising my own mom who for the most part was pretty functional. Shelly lived two trailers down and her mom would have these spates of normal but for the most part it was sheer crazy. Combine that with what happened… Shit, I’m surprised she’s not completely coming apart,” he smoothed his hair down in front over his forehead petting it over and over again.

  “I think the only normal Shells got was at school and shit. She wants it, she wants the two point five kids, white pi
cket fence, the whole deal and she wants normal so fucking bad but I honestly think it scares the shit out of her at the same time. She doesn’t know how to operate in the normal. Never has. She drinks sparingly, doesn’t do drugs at all, terrified she’ll end up just like her mom but I don’t think she sees it, or gets that she just replaced those things with sex as a means to feel good. Then dude comes along and fucks that up for her…” he turned his gaze out the window above my kitchen sink and I pulled on one of my running shoes. “Shelly’s all mixed up, depressed and doesn’t know how to deal with any of it because all she does is internalize all this garbage.” He huffed out a sigh.

  “Sounds like you been going to therapy,” I grunted. He laughed.

  “Naw, been getting a lot out of Ashton and Trig. Was hoping therapy would do Shelly some good but she won’t talk to him about any of the important stuff. Still hasn’t talked to anyone about the attack…”

  “Yes she has,” I said quietly he looked at me sharply and I caught a glimmer of hope in his ice blue eyes. He opened his mouth to say something but Shelly stepped into the kitchen.

  “You ready?” she asked and sounded like one very unhappy camper.

  “You stretched?” Reaver asked.

  “Yep.”

  “Too bad. You gotta wait for us to do it,” we trooped out the back door.

  “Hurry it up,” she stretched some more with us and I took the time to both limber up and inspect her. The turmoil was plain on her face and I was beginning to realize that Shelly had a lot more going on than I had ever realized but she wasn’t giving a fucking inch. Reaver leapt up into a runner’s starter stance and Shelly dropped into one next to him, I followed suit on her other side.

  “On your mark! Get set! GO!” he barked and she was off like a shot. I’d never seen her run before but the girl was part cheetah and part motherfucking gazelle. I pushed myself hard and harder to keep up with her but she outpaced me soon enough and by the time we reached the end of the long drive and turned out onto the road she was making long even strides.

  “Hope… you… can… go… for a… a while!” Reaver said between breaths. The stride we were in, the pace we were going didn’t leave much air for talking. This was going to be a serious cardio session. I simply nodded. I was a Marine damn it. I was no stranger to running and truthfully it was nice knowing I’d be able to do this with Shelly.