Get Rocked

by Tabatha Vargo

We brought it in for a hug and smacked each other on the back. He really was like my brother and no matter what, he always had my back. I couldn’t have asked for a better sidekick.

  After they left, I went inside, got a shower, and crashed. My face hurt like a bitch, and a tiny bit of guilt for kicking Reynolds’s ass was starting to seep in. Needless to say, I slept for shit. It wasn’t long before I heard my mom screaming my name and pounding on my door.

  I woke up disoriented and reaching for anything in the darkness. In a panic, I jumped out of my bed and tripped over my shoes. After stubbing my knee on a few things and almost falling and breaking my neck, I managed to make it across my room in the dark.

  I swung the door open and flipped on the light at the same time. When I did, my mom fell into my arms crying. I held her close to my bare chest. Her tears dripped from her chin and streamed down my torso. She was saying something over and over again, but it was muffled. I leaned back and looked down at her.

  “What is it?” Fear gripped my heart. I’d only ever seen my mom like this once before and it was when Mr. Charles, her husband, had died.

  My thoughts went straight to Faith. Panic set in until I remembered Mom didn’t know Faith.

  “Oh, thank God you’re here. I thought you were gone. I thought you were with them and I’d lost you.” Her words weren’t making any sense and with her crying so hard, I could barely understand what she was saying.

  “I’m here, Mom. What’s going on? Did you have a nightmare or something?”

  I held her up and she continued to bawl. “Jimmy, I’m so sorry. God, Jimmy, I’m so sorry, baby,” she said over and over again.

  Still I had no idea what she was talking about. Her entire body was shaking and her breath was beginning to hiccup.

  “For what, Mom? You didn’t do anything.”

  She slowed her crying and looked up at me. She looked older with tears on her cheeks and red eyes. Her hair was coming out of its bun and stuck out in random places. She’d been awakened from her sleep too.

  “There’s been an accident—a bad one. They’re gone. Reynolds and Kevin, they didn’t make it.”

  Her words swam around me. I was still half asleep and confused, but finally they made it to my brain and I realized what she was saying. She had practically adopted Reynolds and Kevin as her own since they were always at my house. She was freaking out and I could feel myself starting to freak out, too.

  My head spun and I felt like I was going to be sick. My boys—more like my brothers, the only brothers I’d ever had—they were dead. Gone—never coming back again.

  I gripped the edge of my dresser to hold myself up, but then I began to dig my fingers into the wood as anger set in. I wanted to pick the dresser up and put it through the wall. My breath was coming too fast and hard as I began to hyperventilate, yet I couldn’t breathe. I needed to breathe.

  Mom wrapped her arms around me and I felt like I was suffocated even more. I moved away from her and pressed my head against the wall. The place where Reynolds had punched me earlier that night started to throb when I ran my fingers through my hair, reminding me of our last moments together.

  I couldn’t help it from then on out—I cried. It was hard and loud as I pressed myself up against the wall as if I could go through it and disappear. This wasn’t happening. No way was this really happening.

  So many people had walked away from me all my life, and Kevin and Reynolds had been two out of the few that stuck with me no matter what. Yeah, Reynolds had a drug problem, and yeah, Kevin knew exactly what to say to piss me off, but they were like my family. Other than my mom, they were the only real family I’d ever had.

  I reared back and put my fist through the wall. Pieces of paneling splintered into the air around me. My hand throbbed with my heartbeat and it hurt. I needed something to hurt—anything but my heart, which ached so badly I thought it would stop completely. I collapsed on my bedroom floor and I felt my mom holding me and wiping the tears from my cheeks.

  Once the sun came up, all the details started to come out. Kevin had been intoxicated and Reynolds took over the wheel. Why hadn’t I seen how drunk Kevin was? I was so caught up with Reynolds and his bullshit, so caught up in my new way of life, that I hadn’t paid enough attention to him.

  I’d already been at the hospital with Tiny for an hour before he woke up. He’d survived, but barely. Both his legs were broken and a large piece of metal had gone so far into his side that the doctors were saying it was a miracle he was alive. He looked like shit—barely recognizable—and I couldn’t help but feel like it was my fault.

  I found out soon after that Amanda, Faith’s friend, also died in the crash. My heart broke for Faith and all I wanted to do was go to her and make sure she was okay. She didn’t have a lot of friends in her life and she’d known Amanda since they were little girls. She wasn’t going to take it well.

  I gripped my steering wheel hard as I drove to the church. It was Sunday and I knew that’s where Faith would be. Fuck the rules her dad had laid down. If she already knew about Amanda, then she would need me, and if she didn’t already know, I wanted to be there for her when she found out. Plus, I needed her. I needed her so bad. I felt like everything was falling away from me and I wanted to see her face—know she was okay and still breathing.

  I didn’t bother going in the front door of the church. Instead, I went into the side door that went straight to the kids’ room. If she wasn’t in there, she would be at some point. I looked like shit and I didn’t want the church people looking down on me. Not then—not when I was breaking apart piece by piece.

  I heard her soft crying from around the corner. Once I made it into the room, I found Faith sitting at a table with her head down. Her dark hair spilled over her arms and shined in the sunlight coming through the closest window.

  I wasted no time going to her. I sat in the chair next to her and picked her up from her seat, placing her in my lap. She collapsed against me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I held her close as she wet my shoulder with her tears. Rubbing her back, I tried my best to console her.

  She leaned back and swiped at her red face with the back of her sleeve. “I’m so sorry about Reynolds and Kevin. I can’t believe they’re gone, Finn.” Again, she started to cry. I felt a tear of my own roll off my chin.

  I held her that way until people started to come into the room. When it was time for me to leave, I kissed her cheek with a promise in my eyes that I’d see her again very soon. If she needed me, she knew how to reach me and she knew she could no matter what.

  Reynolds was buried first. Mom and I stood next to his grave as he was lowed into the ground. I felt like I was suffocating, both because of the fact that my boys were gone and the stupid fucking tie I had to wear. I could practically hear Reynolds laughing at me. No doubt about it, if he were still there, he would have gotten a kick out of me wearing a suit.

  I helped his mom make it to her car. She wasn’t even walking on her own. Reynolds’s cousin, Mike, and me were practically carrying her. She was on so many drugs to cope that she was talking out of her head and calling Mike Reynolds. It was so fucking sad to watch.

  That night, Faith called to check on me. It pissed me off that she had to hide being on the phone and I only got to talk to her for three minutes. I missed her and I needed her—she needed me.

  Kevin and Amanda were buried on the same day. By the time they lowered Kevin in the ground, I felt numb. His little sister, Erica, cried on my shoulder as I held her. She was only five; she shouldn’t know what it felt like to lose someone. Kids shouldn’t hurt, but I’d seen enough in my life being tossed from one home to next, and the one thing I knew was that kids were always getting hurt—and somehow they survived.

  Before leaving the graveyard, his mom made me promise to stay in touch. As if I wouldn’t have. Mom and I drove in silence back to the house. By the time we got home, it started to rain. She ran inside and I went into the garage for the first time since the night
of the accident.

  I stood there with my hands on my hips—my tie loosened around my neck—and took in the space. Reynolds’s drums were still strewn around the room from our fight. I sat on his stool and started to put them back together again. Our last moment together beat into my head over and over again. What a fucked-up way to spend your last moments with one of your best friends.

  I picked up his sticks and set them on top of the snare. Reaching up, I wiped away a tear that had slipped down my cheek.

  “Are you okay?” Faith asked from the garage door.

  I hadn’t known she was standing there. She looked so beautiful. Her hair was pinned back and tiny strands had escaped and were dangling around her face. The long black dress she wore touched the ground and black lacey flowers were stitched around the neck.

  Her eyes were red and puffy. Her nose looked raw like she’d just gotten over a bad cold. Seeing her instantly made me feel better. I held my arms out to her and she came to me and sat on my lap. I held her as she cried on my shoulder.

  When she stopped, she looked up at me and softly kissed me on the lips.

  “I missed you,” she said.

  I twirled a piece of her hair around my finger.

  “God, I missed you, too.” I buried my face in her hair and breathed her in. It had only been a few days, but it felt like forever since the last time we’d seen each other.

  “Are you okay?” I asked as I used my thumb to brush away a tear from her cheek.

  “I’ll be okay. You?”

  “I’ll make it. As long as I have you, I’ll make it.”

  I kissed her again. Her kisses were so sweet and undemanding. I could almost forget what it had been like to kiss anyone else.

  “How did you get here? Where’s your dad?”

  She peeked up at me. She looked so guilty that I was almost afraid of her answer.

  “I took my dad’s car. He’s at the church with Amanda’s family. I had to get out of there.”

  I cupped her cheek and smiled. “You shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want you to get in trouble, baby.”

  “I needed to see you.”

  There was no way she could comprehend what her words did for me. I needed her just as badly, and I was thrilled that she was with me, but still worried at the same time. Thinking of consequences was new for me, but when it came to Faith, it’s all I could think about.

  Before she left, I introduced her to my mom. Watching the two women that I loved as they hugged each other and talked like they’d known each other forever did my heart good.

  And just like that, it hit me. I loved Faith. I was crazy in love with her. I couldn’t tell her that yet since I didn’t want to freak her out, but I felt it. I’m sure she knew. She had to know.

  “Faith, I’m so glad I got to meet you,” Mom said as she patted her hand. “Finn hasn’t been the same since he met you—in a good way, of course.”

  She winked over at me and I blushed for the first time in my entire life. Faith laughed and grabbed my hand with a tiny squeeze.

  “I’m so glad I got to meet you, too.”

  I walked Faith to her dad’s car and kissed her once more before she got in.

  “I’ll see you tonight?” she asked.

  I smiled down at her and nodded my head. She really was so adorable. “I’ll pick you up at the stop sign—same time.”

  Her smile lit up my heart that had been so heavy for the last few days. I watched her drive away and smiled to myself. She was so amazing and I was one lucky son of a bitch to have her.

  Burying your best and only friend kills a part of you—the part that held the memories the two of you made over the years. I couldn’t believe Amanda was gone. She’d always been there. Her laughter had sometimes been the only thing that could make me smile after a night with my dad and his belt.

  Her coffin was pink and her mom welcomed all of her friends to sign it with multi-colored permanent markers. The marker shook in my hand as I wrote a message and told her I loved her.

  Flowers took over the space as the entire church community bought bouquets for the family with condolences and donations for her burial. The room smelled of a fresh garden and ladies’ heavy perfume. I couldn’t tell if it was the smells that made me feel sick to my stomach or the fact that her mom had decided on an open coffin.

  I found myself upset at the fact that Amanda was being buried in such a boring dress without a stitch of makeup on her face. No way would she be okay with that. I stood beside her coffin and cried silently until Sister Francis pulled me away.

  Life—it was taken away so quickly and I’d spent all of mine afraid to live. Almost eighteen years of wasting my life following the rules, walking a straight line, afraid that if I stepped off track, the world would explode around me or the devil himself would appear in front of me and pull me into the underworld for eternity.

  Some of the best things I’d experienced in my life so far had been when I was breaking the rules. This was my thinking process as I sat on a chair in the back of the church. Everyone came back there to mourn and eat. Amanda’s mom asked that everyone gather there instead of her house.

  My dad took center stage as he proceeded to talk about how bad the teenagers these days were becoming and how Amanda had gotten caught up with the wrong crowd. I listened with my eyes glued to the plate of food in front of me. Finn was a part of the group he was talking about and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge in my stomach. I missed Finn so much and I needed him.

  Without a second thought, I stood and slipped out the back of the church, grabbing my dad’s keys from his desk on the way out. I already knew because of the accident the reins on me were going to become even tighter. I figured I might as well go out with a bang and at least get to see Finn as much as I could before then. Seeing him somehow made things tolerable.

  I was shocked when he introduced me to his mother. Amanda used to tell me when a guy introduced you to his parents, they were serious about you. Finn was serious about me and I was more than serious about him.

  When I got back from my visit with Finn and his mom, I was happy to see no one even noticed I was gone. Dad’s keys were back on his desk in the nick of time and soon we were going home for the night. I stopped out by Amanda’s grave once more before getting in the car with my parents. I plucked one of the pink roses from the bouquet on top of the fresh dirt.

  “I hope you don’t mind if I take this. I was thinking I’d dry it and close it in my journal.” I paused to take a much needed breath. “I’ll miss you, girl. Be good up there. Try not to give God too much hell,” I whispered into the wind.

  I smiled to myself as I wiped a tear from my cheek.

  As soon as we got home, my mom excused herself and went to her room. She was complaining of one of her stress headaches, but I knew the only thing that gave her a headache was my dad. I headed toward my room as well, but before I got to the hallway, my dad called me back into the living room.

  “Faith, we need to talk.”

  I hated the sound of that. I tucked my dress under me and took a seat on the couch across from him.

  “What is it, Daddy?”

  He pulled off his dress shoes and relaxed in his recliner.

  “Me and your mother have been talking and we’ve come to a decision about something.” He cleared his throat and mine tightened. “We’re moving.”

  I started to panic for a second, but then I realized that he might be talking about another house in the same area. I knew my dad, and he would never leave the church.

  “A house closer to the church?” I asked.

  He shook his head and my chest got heavy. “No, we’re moving to California.”

  His words echoed throughout the room, ricocheted off the walls, and pierced my heart. I was on my feet in that instant, and I was irate. He wasn’t going to do this to me. I couldn’t let him do this.

  “No, we aren’t!” As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I was going to regret them.

&
nbsp; I’d never spoken to my father that way—ever. I patiently waited for him to jump out of his chair, pull off his belt, and beat me until I couldn’t see straight. He stood from his chair and towered over me with angry eyes.

  “Excuse me?”

  I swallowed my nerves and looked him in the eye.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” I flinched when he lifted his hand and ran it across his bald head.

  “You’re going. There’s too much for you to get into around here, and with Amanda’s death, I realize I’m not willing to lose you because you can’t stay away from that boy. I heard about him coming to the church the day we found out about the accident, and I won’t have you following in her footsteps.”

  That boy? He didn’t even have the decency to say his name. Well, I didn’t care what he said. I wasn’t going anywhere without Finn. Without thinking, I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.

  “I love Finn, Daddy. I’m not leaving him. I’m sorry, but I’m seventeen and—”

  The back of his hand connected with my cheek, knocking me back onto the couch. I sat up quickly. My face felt like it was about to explode. The taste of blood rolled across my tongue, making my stomach turn. I placed my palm against my face and looked up at him like he was crazy. I was positive he was. I was older and I knew more. I understood.

  He clawed at his belt before he pulled it off and used it on me. This time I fought back. I grabbed at his belt and pulled at it. Still, he managed to catch me on my arms and even once across my face. The entire time I screamed for him to leave me alone and even once clawed at his arm.

  When he was done, he swiped at the sweat on his forehead and pointed a finger at me.

  “You’re going. As a matter of fact, you’re not leaving this house again until it’s time to go. I’ve already put in a call with some friends on the West Coast. There’s a good church there that could use my services. I think this is the best thing.”

  Backing away from him, I turned toward the front door. I grabbed the knob and prepped my feet to run. I had to get to Finn. He had to know what was going on so we could figure out what to do. I wasn’t going to leave him. I wouldn’t. He was everything to me and the only person left in the world that I cared about.