A Broken Soul (The Pembrooke Series Book 3)

by Prince, Jessica

  I had to take a step back with each word as they hit me, over and over, each hurting worse than the last.

  “Wow,” I breathed, it was the only word I was able to say for several seconds as I fought to keep from crying. Quinn had just flayed me open without missing a beat. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of letting him see me cry. For every step forward I think we’ve taken, he did something so callous, so mean, we take at least thirty steps back. And standing in front of him just then, having just taken the brunt of yet another mood swing, I wondered why I even wanted to be friends with this man. There hadn’t been someone in my life who made me feel so low since I was a kid, picked on for being a little different.

  “Glad to know that’s how little you think of me. I’ll be sure not to forget that.” I stomped into the living room, picking up my shoes, lifting the overnight bag I had onto my shoulder, and grabbing my purse from the coffee table. I wasn’t going to wait the extra seconds it would take to slide my feet in and lace them up. Fuck that, I was getting out of there.

  I stopped just long enough to look at him over my shoulder and say, “You know, I get that you’re hurting, I do. And I’m sorry for everything you lost. But that pain doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole to every person in your life. You don’t hold the fucking monopoly on suffering, Quinn, but if you want to spend the rest of your life miserable and alone, have at it. I’m done trying to help someone who’d rather hurt the people who care about him than try and feel better.”

  I wanted to slam the door, take my anger and pain out physically, but I wasn’t willing to risk Sophia overhearing and possibly getting upset. No matter how much of an asshole her father was, I still cared deeply for her. So I shut the door quietly and walked as fast as I could to my car, tossing my stuff over to the passenger side. From the corner of my eye, I saw the front door open as Quinn’s large frame filled the doorway, but I wouldn’t let myself look.

  Putting the car in reverse, I pulled out of the driveway and took myself back to my apartment. It wasn’t until I made it to my bathroom and got the shower running that I finally allowed what he said to fully register. As I stood beneath the hot spray, I let myself feel each wound he inflicted with his words. Then I cried. I gave myself until the water ran cold to let it all out. Because he wasn’t worth more than fifteen minutes of my time.

  Quinn

  IT TOOK WAY too goddamned long for my feet to become unstuck from the floor, but once they did, and I rushed to the front door, it was too late. Her car was gone, and I was left with a sense I’d just screwed up something amazing.

  God, I was such a fucking asshole.

  As soon as the words left I mouth I regretted them. I wish I could have taken them back, erased the pain I caused to fill her beautiful eyes. But I couldn’t.

  Falling to the couch, I dropped my head in my hands and worked on breathing deep. I hadn’t had a panic attack in over a year. Yes, the nightmares from that night still plagued me, but I’d been stupid enough to think I was making some sort of progress. If that had been true, I wouldn’t be sitting in my living room, a cold sweat coating every inch of my body as my heart threatened to pound right out of my chest.

  I inhaled through my nose and slowly exhaled through my lips while I counted silently in my head. That was the only goddamned thing that joke of a shrink taught me. A year of talking about my feelings from that night, and all I came out of it with was knowing how to stave off a panic attack once I felt it coming on.

  I knew it wasn’t going to do me any good, but the department in Seattle wouldn’t let me return unless a doctor signed off. My body might have healed, but they wanted to make sure my head was screwed back on straight before letting me fight fire. That was just one of the many reasons I left, came back to Pembrooke after the accident.

  Without Addison, there was nothing for me in Seattle, so I figured why stick around? Her parents hated me for killing their daughter. The department was watching me like a hawk. Addy was gone. Pembrooke was the only option. At least here I had my folks to help out with Sophia. And with my dad’s reputation, I knew I wouldn’t have any problem getting on with the fire department. I expected to start feeling better.

  But that never happened. The guilt of what had happened followed me from Washington to Wyoming. There was no escape for me. My carelessness had killed my wife, the love of my life. There was no chance of me being happy anywhere.

  Or at least that’s what I thought. But then I met Lilly.

  She made me remember how to laugh, how to find the little pleasures in day-to-day life. The guilt was still there, always would be, but when I was in her presence, I actually felt like I could breathe. Something about her soothed me, calmed the tumultuous swell of emotion that raged inside of me for the past three and a half years.

  And how did I repay her? I hurt her… again.

  I hated myself for how I’d acted, but stepping through that doorway and seeing her and Sophia curled up together? Well, it was like being transplanted back in time. It actually took me several seconds to realize it wasn’t Addison lying in that bed with our daughter, that I hadn’t gotten my family back. And when that realization hit, all rationale thought flew out the window.

  I just… reacted.

  Badly.

  Because what I felt when I realized it was Lilly, not Addison, was something so disconcerting I couldn’t handle it. I liked seeing Lilly curled up with my daughter. No, that’s not right: I fucking loved it. For just a split second, I’d let myself enjoy having a woman in my house, taking care of not only Sophia, but in her own way, me as well. And I wanted that. I wanted her. And I realized then that I could never truly be just friends with Lilly.

  So I did the only thing I could think of to push her away. Her parting shot was still resonating in my head several minutes later, making me feel like complete shit.

  My heart rate was finally starting to return to normal by the time Sophia woke up. “Where’s Ms. Lilly?” she asked drowsily, as she rounded the couch, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

  “She had to get home.” I scooped my daughter up and rested her in my lap. It was something I did with her every morning I was home. Even when she crawled out of bed, she was still only halfway awake. She’d sit with me until she woke up all the way, resting her tiny head on my chest. It was the only time during my days that I was able to push the past from my mind and live in the moment. “I heard you had a bad dream last night,” I said a few minutes later.

  “Uh huh. But Ms. Lilly sang me a special song that her daddy sang to her to keep the scary thoughts away.”

  That knot of guilt in my stomach grew even tighter. “Yeah?” I croaked. “Did it work?”

  “Yeah. It was a pretty song.”

  Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly feel any worse about myself, I was proven wrong. Shifting topic, I asked. “You want some breakfast?”

  She nodded against my shoulder and mumbled, “Pancakes.”

  I gave a little chuckle at her standard answer. One day I was going to have to write Bisquick a thank-you letter for their ready-made mix. Those damn bottles made me look like a culinary genius as far as Sophia was concerned.

  “KNOCK, KNOCK.”

  I had to restrain myself from rolling my eyes as my mom and dad came traipsing through my front door. Stopping by unexpectedly at least twice a week was turning into a nasty habit. When Soph and I first moved back, it was only once or twice a month. Now it was like they thought they had free rein over my private space. It wasn’t unusual for me to come home after a shift and find that Mom let herself in to clean and do laundry. Hell, the woman had even gone as far as stripping my bed and washing the sheets once a week.

  And Dad was no better. Keeping beer stocked in my fridge was impossible. Apparently my house was his sanctuary when it came to watching any sporting event. The man used my cable like it was his own. I could have sworn I hadn’t signed myself up for the NFL package. Normally their spontaneous visit wouldn’t annoy me t
oo badly, but my foul mood from my early morning fight with Lilly hadn’t gotten any better. I’d been wracking my brain all day, trying to think of what I could say to get her to forgive me for my behavior, but the best I’d come up with was I’m sorry. And something told me that wasn’t going to cut it.

  “Hi sweetie,” Mom chirped, as she walked into the living room and leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek. Several seconds later, Dad walked in behind her and, sure enough, there was a freshly opened beer in his hand.

  He took a big swig and collapsed in my recliner with a loud ahhhh. “Oh good, you’ve got the game on.”

  “Meemaw! Papaw!” Sophia came barreling out of her room at the speed of a freight train, like she hadn’t seen her grandparents in years as opposed to just a day or two.

  Mom scooped her up and peppered her cheeks and neck with kisses that made her squeal happily before putting her back on the ground so my dad could do the same.

  My gaze bounced back and forth between my folks. I picked up the remote and muted the commercial currently playing on the TV and I finally asked in a deadpan voice, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “I thought I’d take Sophia to spend the gift cards she got for her birthday.” Sophia shouted excitedly, throwing her fist in the air. “We can have a girls’ day,” Mom told her. “Shopping and lunch, no boys allowed.”

  “Yeah! I’ll go put my shoes on! No boys allowed! No boys allowed!” she chanted as she headed back for her bedroom. I was just about to get up and get my own beer when the sound of Sophia singing from her bedroom froze every single cell in my body. I couldn’t breathe as those familiar words came echoing down the hallway. Hell, even my parents were still with shock.

  Two minutes later she came back out wearing those ballet slippers that didn’t go with the outfit at all, not that she’d care.

  “Hey, Angel?” I squatted down in front of Sophia and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Where’d you hear that song, baby?”

  “That’s the song Ms. Lilly sang to me to chase my bad dream away,” she answered innocently. “Her daddy sang it to her when she was little and had bad dreams too.”

  Christ, what were the odds that the special song Lilly sang for my daughter the night before just so happened to be my wife’s favorite, the very song she walked around singing all the time. Did coincidences like that really happen?

  Mom gave me a look that told me no, coincidences like that certainly didn’t happen. She’d always been a firm believer that everything happened for a reason, and I knew she’d take this and run with it. I ignored her look and helped Soph put her jacket on.

  Kisses were exchanged and the two of them left for their girls’ day, leaving me and my old man to relax in front of the TV without interruption for the rest of the day. At least I could count on some peace and quiet.

  Or so I thought…

  It was halftime in the game, Dad had just come back from the kitchen with his second beer, and my eyes were growing heavy as I leaned back on the couch, my feet propped on the coffee table. I had started contemplating a nap when Dad spoke up, effectively killing any hopes I had of catching some much-needed sleep.

  “What’s going on with you and that pretty dance teacher?”

  I’d just taken a swallow of my beer when he blurted that out, and I proceeded to choke on it. At least he wasn’t bringing up the song. Once I stopped sputtering and was able to breathe again, I managed to croak, “What?”

  Dad gave me a knowing look. “Please, son. I’m old, not stupid. I’m also not blind.”

  “Dad…” I shook my head, dropped my feet to the carpet and sat up. “It’s not like that.”

  His face grew serious as he turned to face me fully, completely forgetting all about the game. “Not like what, exactly?”

  I started to feel defensive for some insane reason. It was hard enough trying to battle my feelings. Having someone else reaffirm them only set me further on edge. I stood from the couch and began pacing. “There’s nothing between us,” I insisted, even though the lie left a sour taste on my tongue. There was something between us, something intense and frightening. I could deny it to myself all damn day, but putting a voice to that denial just felt… wrong. Almost as wrong as having those feelings in the first goddamned place.

  Dad stood tall as well and stepped in front of me, forcing me to stop. “Quinn, do you even realize that Sophia’s birthday party was the first time any of us have heard you laugh in over three years?”

  “That’s ridiculous,” I sneered, turning on my heels in the direction of the kitchen.

  “It’s true!” Dad grabbed hold of my shoulder, thwarting my pathetic attempt to escape.

  “Jesus, Dad. I laugh all the fucking time.”

  “Not like that. Not genuinely. That laugh came from deep in your gut. So fucking unexpected it scared your mom and me.”

  Tension coiled inside me so tightly I thought I might snap. “Stop,” I snarled, jerking from my father’s hold. But he wasn’t done.

  “And all it took was a few words from that girl to get you to let go and laugh. That means something, son.”

  “Stop!”

  “You deserve happiness. You’ve been walking around, half a man since Addy died. Watching you with Lilly, I saw flashes of the man my son used to be. I miss that man.”

  “I said stop!” I roared, so loud Dad took a step back.

  His voice lowered, his expression grew pained. “What are you so scared of?”

  With that one simple question, asked by the man I respected most in the entire world, that coil inside me broke. “It’s wrong!” I shouted, unable to hold it in anymore. “It’s fucking wrong! I don’t deserve that, no matter what you or Mom think. It’s my fault Addy died. Mine. If it wasn’t for me, she’d still be alive. I had happiness once, and I fucking killed it, okay? So just drop it! It doesn’t matter what you think you saw between me and Lilly, because nothing’s ever going to come of it. The man I was, the man you miss, died with Addy in that car. Just let it go, Dad. Let it fucking go.”

  In all my life, I’d only seen my father cry two times. The first time was when I woke up in the hospital room after the accident. The second time was during my wife’s funeral. He’d never really been the type to cry. He was the strongest man I’d ever met. But as he stood there, watching me unravel again, his eyes grew glassy.

  “Oh, son,” he whispered, his voice ravaged with heartache that only made my own that much worse. “That’s not true.”

  “It is!” I demanded, raking my hands threw my hair in agony. “It is. I killed her, Dad. It was my fault.”

  His expression grew fierce as he charged me, grabbing hold of my shoulders and giving them a rough shake. “It was an accident. You hear me? An accident. You aren’t to blame for Addy’s death.”

  “If I’d been paying attention—”

  He cut me off. “The events of that night were a tragedy, but it was not your fault. You can spend the rest of your life analyzing every single second, wondering how you could have reacted differently, but there is no way you could guarantee the outcome would have been any different. You can’t walk around blaming yourself for something that was beyond your control, Quinn. That’s no way to live.”

  “Dad…” my voice was like gravel. It physically hurt to force the words from my throat. “You don’t understand…”

  “You’re right,” he whispered. “I don’t. And it kills me a little more every single day to see you suffering this way. I wish I could undo it all. I wish I could take this pain for you, but I can’t, and I pray to God you never have to experience what it’s like to feel so goddamned helpless when it comes to your own child. If I could carry this burden for you, I would, in a heartbeat.” He gave me another shake as he repeated, “That accident was not your fault. You can’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing,” I insisted, even though each day felt like a test to see how miserable I could make myself feel. I kep
t myself mired in the past for that very reason. Even my memories were part of my penance for what I’d done.

  “For a brief moment that day, I got a glimpse of my son while he wasn’t crippled with grief. You looked at that girl and for just a second, you forgot to blame yourself for everything. Hold on to that, son. I’m begging you, for your sake and Sophia’s, hold on to that. If that girl can give you an ounce of peace, you hold on to that. No matter what you believe, you deserve some peace.”

  He was so adamant with everything he said that I knew in my heart that he truly believed them.

  The problem was… I wasn’t sure that I did.

  Lilly

  I’D BEEN SITTING at my desk, staring at my calendar for so long my eyes were starting to cross. After my fight with Quinn I’d left his house with an uncomfortable knot in my stomach that refused to go away. I thought that maybe a trip to Denver might have been a good idea, a change of scenery for a weekend to clear my head. But the brightly-colored boxes on my computer screen were mocking me, telling me a mini-vacation was out of the question.

  A knock at my office door startled me and made me jump. My head jerked up to see Kyle standing in the doorway, smirking at me. “Jeez. You scared the shit out of me.”

  “Well, if you weren’t so focused on trying to blow your computer up with your mind, maybe you’d have noticed me sooner.”

  I scowled. “Funny. I wasn’t trying to blow it up. I was just…” I banged the computer mouse a few times to let off some steam. “Trying to get my calendar to do what I want, but the asshole refuses to cooperate.”