Losing Faith (Surfers Way)

by Jennifer Ryder

  “I guess you’re right,” I say, resigned. I’ll still keep digging.

  “Good evening,” he says, and carries on walking down the path.

  “Bye,” I whisper to his frail frame as he disappears from view.

  I take my time making my way back to her, toying with the mysterious flower and thinking about stupid boys and broken hearts.

  I sit and cross my legs at the foot of her grave, hanging my head in my hands, my elbows resting on my knees.

  “It’s such a mess, Faith,” I choke out, wiping wet trails from my cheeks. “We were finally together, but your mother’s intent on breaking us apart.”

  The wind whistles in the trees, the noise almost deafening as it lashes around the solemn grounds.

  “I don’t know what I did to her for her to say such horrid things. All I’ve done since you left is try to honour your memory. I want justice for you, but it’s not enough for her. I don’t think it’s enough for Quade either. I mustn’t mean as much to Quade as I thought. He didn’t defend me, Faith. Didn’t even try.”

  I place the rose beneath her stone and sit back on my heels. “He thinks I had a thing for Jamie all along. When I told him he was wrong and that sleeping with Jamie was my biggest regret, his silence was like a knife to my heart. A part of me died the day we buried you. I was drunk. I wanted to forget everything that night. I’m lost, Faith. I love your brother, with every part of me, but—”

  “He loves you,” a smooth voice says from behind me.

  I turn and take in the giant shadow. A shiver rushes over my flesh like a tidal wave. His feet are planted shoulder-width apart, arms by his sides, palms facing me. When I glance up to meet his glistening eyes, I strangle a sob in my throat.

  “And he’s sorry,” he adds, kneeling beside me.

  “What does that even mean?” I snort.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. It was a huge mistake and I hope more than anything we can come back from it. I couldn’t understand why my own mother would lie, try to hurt me and sabotage us. I just think because she’s so miserable, she doesn’t want anyone else to be happy. I’m being pulled in two directions. I want to be with you, and I want things back the way they used to be with my parents. It’s clear I want two things that can’t co-exist. I—I never thought I’d have to choose. I thought coming back to Runaway would be easier.”

  Love should be simple, but it’s not, Mum said. How right she is.

  “Why don’t you get to the point, tell me it’s over so I can get back to falling apart, already.” I sniff back my runny nose then stare at the rose. I can’t look him in the eye when he tells me we’re done, because I know it’ll haunt me for far too long, just like it did the last time he left.

  Quade kneels beside me and lifts my chin with his outstretched finger.

  “The way I see it, Lace, you’re the only choice. I shouldn’t have to fight for my parents’ affection or approval, but more than that, regardless of my issues with them I don’t want a future without you … I just hope that you’ll have me back.”

  My chest jerks as I take in a stuttered breath. “I’d take you back in a heartbeat, Quade. You know that. But I need to know what changed your mind?”

  He huffs a breath out through his parted lips. “I ran into my cousin Eden on the way here. She said I looked like shit, so we sat down and had a chat. I wasn’t in the mood to talk but she made me. Hard to say no to her.”

  “What did Eden say?” I ask with indifference, shrugging one shoulder. Will something a girl I thought might have been on drugs said to him really make a difference?

  “She was ready to go around to see Mum and tear her a new one for the shit she’s been spreading around town.”

  “So it was Eden’s word that changed your mind?”

  “Nope. My mind was made up before then. I was gutted after you left. I had a good fucking talking to myself on that court. Seeing that look in your eye, knowing that my stupidity put it there was the kick in the arse I needed. I knew deep down you were telling the truth. I was just blinded by everything else to truly see it. It was hard to hear that there might’ve been more between you and Jamie. I just hope you can forgive me, and that we’re okay.”

  I could yell at Quade, scream, but that’s not me. Harsh words cut deep. I love Quade. We’ve both been hurt enough. I just want everything to be okay.

  “We’ll be okay, Quade. We just need to talk to each other?”

  “Yeah, I know.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “My parents can’t see straight. They see me as sleeping with the enemy and they’re pretty determined to shut me out. Especially Mum. Deep down I know that’s not the only reason. I’ve always had to fight for their attention. I’ll never be Faith.”

  I run my fingers through his hair and rest my hand on the back of his neck. “Aren’t they even going to try? Can’t they see how amazing you are?”

  “I won’t lie. It really fuckin’ hurts, Lace. Parents are supposed to support their kids, do anything to make them happy. I adore your parents for the way they support you. I think you could do just about anything and they’d be behind you. I’ve come to the realisation that mine just aren’t like that. I’m at that point in my life where I have to make my own happiness a priority.” He reaches out and takes my hands in his. “My happiness is in my hands, not my parents. I know my happiness is with you, Lace. I love you. If I have you, then I’ll have everything I need.”

  ---

  When we get back to Quade’s place, clothes are torn off in a frenzy. Frantic for his touch, my nails dig into his flesh. We need this.

  He carries me to the bed, his mouth glued to mine. Our kisses are full to the brim with emotion. I crawl farther up the bed as Quade opens the top drawer and pulls out a condom.

  Quade lunges at me, gripping me tight. I hook my legs around his waist, crying out when he enters me. He grunts with each roll of his hips. Each thrust of him inside me draws me closer to the edge.

  I’m afraid to fall.

  Quade’s movements gather pace. I know he’s close. My breath catches. My throat constricts.

  I could have lost him.

  He comes, jerking inside me. With my legs linked around his hips and arms wrapped around his back I hold onto him tight even though I’m weak and shaking. I throw my head back and gasp for air.

  “You okay?” he mumbles as he pants loudly through his nose. He moves beside me and removes the condom.

  No. I’m a mess.

  I try to draw air in deep but I can’t take as much as I need. That’s when the fear consumes me. Tears trail down my cheeks, spilling into my ear.

  “Lace?”

  “I just … God.” I choke on a sob and then gasp again for oxygen.

  It’s too much. All of it, I don’t know how I can—

  “Breathe, Lace. You’re scaring me.”

  I drag in a stuttery breath. In. Out. In. Out. Quade props me upright with some cushions and smooths his hand over my upper back in slow circles.

  “She’ll do anything … to keep us from being together.” Breathe. “The look of hate in her eyes … hate for me. It was frightening.”

  “Lace, I told you—”

  I look him in the face. “Can you live with the fact that I’m the wedge between you and them?”

  His hands rush to either side of my face. In gentle strokes of his thumbs he swipes the wetness from the sides of my eyes. “I mean it, Lace. It’s you and me. That’s what matters, and I’ll move mountains for us. Every single day if I have to.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  “I’ll go get us some coffees, Dad,” I say, as I toss my folded apron on the counter. “You want anything, Lily?”

  “I’d kill for an iced chocolate with extra sauce, extra cream,” she says, licking her lips.

  “Why don’t you both go together? Get some fresh air,” Dad says and gives me a nod. His eyes carry a little too much compassion for my liking. Mum must have told him about my meltd
own. Shit. Normally he doesn’t like being in here alone, but I’ll take his offer.

  “’Kay, Dad. We won’t be long.”

  I grab my satchel from out back and then Lily and I walk out onto the street towards the café.

  “Your dad was telling me about the van this morning,” Lily says, a curious smile on her lips.

  “The van?”

  “You know, big dreams of having a gelato van.”

  Oh, that van. The one rotting at home. “Yeah, well he’ll have some work getting the squatters out,” I say and chuckle.

  “Squatters?”

  “The thing is filled with spiders, like choc-a-block, arachnophobia-movie kind of squatters.”

  “I don’t mind spiders. They’re kinda cool,” she says with a shrug.

  She’s shitting me, right? “Are you mad?”

  “Nope.”

  “I’ve never met anyone who actually likes spiders.”

  “I had a pet tarantula once. He kind of ended up where he wasn’t supposed to, so my old foster mum made me sell him. Anyway, getting off topic here. I think the gelato van idea is the coolest thing ever.”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  A dark grey Ute drives past, drawing my eye. Is that Quade? The car takes the next turn, disappearing around the corner before I get a chance to check. Sigh. Whilst last night we got everything out in the open a little part of me still worries that trouble is on the horizon. Can we continue to live in our own little bubble? Can I pretend to not be affected by Quade’s family situation?

  “Things cool with you and Mr Fun?” Lily asks.

  I swing my head towards her and fake a smile. “What makes you think anything is wrong?”

  “Your dad keeps looking at you with these giant puppy-dog eyes, and you don’t seem yourself. Just wanna make sure things are cool.”

  I force out a loud breath through my lips. “We hit a bump in the road, Lil. We’ll be okay though.”

  “What kind of bump?”

  “Oh, say one the size of his mother.”

  “Eek,” she whispers.

  “Yeah, eek alright.”

  We join the queue. After a few minutes, I place our order at the counter. Lily and I move to the dark timber stools to the side. I pull my phone from my bag and notice a missed a call from Quade earlier. Once we have our order, I’ll call him back. I put the device away and flip through a magazine about organic gardening while Lily plays Candy Crush on her phone.

  “Nari’s going to be staying with him,” a familiar bitchy voice whines. Dear God.

  Using the magazine as a makeshift shield, I slowly turn my head, confirming that Mrs Kelly is here with a blonde woman who’s wearing far too much makeup and probably spent a thousand dollars on the pretentious white jacket-and-skirt set her bony arse has squeezed into.

  Will I ever be able to escape the claws of Mrs Kelly? Sometimes living in a small town really sucks.

  “Really?” the blonde chirps.

  “She’s come back to town to see him, and all things going well my son will come to his senses and take her back. He’s a first-class idiot if he doesn’t.”

  “Wait a minute, isn’t he dating the Marone girl?” the blonde probes.

  Lily slams her phone on the counter and looks at me with wild eyes. She leans in close. “What did that bitch just say?” she whispers. “Is she talking about you?”

  I shake my head as a warning, gritting my teeth. I’m doing my best to stop myself from going over there and giving her a piece of my mind. If I let Lily loose, she’s likely to start bashing heads together. I roll the magazine into a tube, squeezing it into a tighter roll to somehow channel my anger.

  “Please,” Mrs Kelly huffs. “He’s sowing his oats and she’s just using him, as the little troublemaker does. I had an interesting conversation with Peter Fairfield the other day. It seems our family isn’t the only one Lacey’s had a hand in tearing apart. My son will come to his senses because Nari has more to offer him than the plain girl in the pizza shop who sluts around.”

  That’s it! I will not hear another nasty word from her mouth.

  I kick out the stool from underneath me. The wooden legs skitter across the floor and then it crashes on its side.

  I march over to her table and slam down the magazine between the empty coffee cups and plates with half-eaten macaroons on them. Both women cry out and glare at me.

  “I’ve heard enough,” I say, my voice icy but firm. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve being spoken about like this. Once upon a time I looked up to you like I do my own mother. You treated me like a daughter when Faith was alive. Surely you can’t believe such lies about me?”

  Mrs Kelly’s mouth drops. She opens and closes it as if she’s struggling for breath like a fish out of water.

  She presses her flattened palm to her chest. Her pristine red painted nails toy with her gold chain as her face hardens with a scowl.

  “Well Faith isn’t around anymore, is she? And you know why I can’t forget that? Because you,” she says with an accusing finger pointed at my chest, “constantly stick your nose in where it doesn’t belong.”

  That’s what she thinks I’m doing? Meddling in her family affairs? “I know you’ve lost your daughter. I can’t imagine how that must’ve been for you, but you’ve lost your way, Mrs Kelly, and lashing out and trying to destroy the kind of happiness that Quade’s trying to find is only going to leave you lonelier than you’ve ever been.”

  “You and my son will never work,” she spits.

  “Because of the vile person you make me out to be? It breaks my heart that that’s how you see me. I’m more than the pizza girl, Mrs Kelly,” I say in a quiet voice. “And I’m far from being a slut. Who I am is the girl that’s in love with your son. He sees me for what I am, and that’s someone who loves him, and he loves me. That’s all that matters to me.” I say that, but deep down a part of me really wants her to open up, to know the truth and accept me.

  “You’re delusional, child.”

  I’m the one here that’s delusional? Wow. She has no idea. “Can’t you see that you’re hurting him? He just wants to be a part of his family again. You may have lost a daughter, but he lost his whole family.”

  “I can’t see how he can be a part of this family if he’s with you. He might as well pack up and leave.”

  Tears stream down my face. I can’t hold them back anymore. Why is she making this so hard? Being so goddamn mean? Doesn’t she care for her only remaining child? “I’m trying to find out the truth. You know that. I just wish you’d let me talk to you. I just want to help. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

  A small hand curls over my shoulder, and the scent of cherry and coffee tickles at my nose.

  “Let’s go,” Lily says in a soft voice. I turn around and lock on Lily’s pleading eyes.

  I turn back to look at Mrs Kelly. Her eyes widen when they rest on the girl beside me.

  She’s right; we should go. Be the better people and walk away.

  A large shadow blocks the doorway. The sun behind it makes it difficult to make out the face, but I don’t need to see it to know who it is. I’m memorised that body for many years.

  Oh, God. How much did he hear?

  “Let’s get back to work,” Lily says. “Your dad is probably, whoa.” She takes a step back when her eyes connect with the man blocking the entrance.

  I march towards him. “Quade, I—”

  “I’ll come see you later, Lace,” he says, his jaw tight. His steely gaze doesn’t move from her.

  “How much did you hear?” I whisper.

  “Enough.”

  I step out onto the footpath, and turn and watch on as Quade takes long strides towards her table.

  “Quade, darling,” his mother says in a high-pitched voice. By her tone, I’m guessing she has no idea what’s about to go down.

  He plants his feet to the floor in front of her and crosses his arms under his chest. “We can either do this here,” he
says, waving an arm around the café, “or in private. Decide quickly.”

  A hand grips my elbow and tugs me backwards. “Let’s get out of here,” Lily says, and hands me my coffee.

  With a heavy feeling in my heart I walk back up The Strip, sipping at my drink as we go. Nari is back in town. What on earth for? Did Mrs Kelly set this up as a way to push me out of Quade’s life? At least Quade didn’t look impressed with her.

  It looks like I’m not done fighting yet.

  “Can you believe that biatch?” Lily scolds, and takes a long suck on her straw. “There’s defs something not right inside that head of hers.”

  I stop in my tracks and turn to my friend, who might as well be Faith incarnate. “You got that right.” I bump my fist against her shoulder and give her a smile that I hope tells her how much she has come to mean to me in such a short time. She winks. “Thanks for having my back, Lil.”

  “Anytime.”

  “No, I’m serious. It could have got real messy in there if you hadn’t been with me.”

  “You totally could have nailed her, by the way. I would’ve paid money to see you scratch up that bitch’s face.”

  “Yeah, well if I keep running into her like this, you’d better keep your wallet close,” I say jokingly, but in reality there’s more truth to my words than I care to admit.

  Lily laughs and swings her free hand over my shoulder. “For you, I’d wear one of those ridiculous money belts that tourists wear.”

  “Then you truly are a real friend.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  A few hours later I say goodbye to Lil and Dad. When I walk out front Quade is waiting for me, leaning against the front of his truck, feet crossed at his ankles. He’s wearing black Oakley sunnies, which mirror my hot cheeks and hair which wasn’t nearly as neat as it had been when I started my shift.

  I lift his glasses to rest on top of his head and am met with a pair of red-rimmed eyes.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, linking my hands around his neck.

  Strong arms wrap around my waist, pulling me against his firm chest as it dramatically rises and falls with each deep breath. “Yeah,” he whispers, his lips pressed to my temple. “Let’s go down to the beach for a bit. I’ll drive.”