Hold on to Love

by Roberta Capizzi

  Tammy spun around, locked the door and dropped the key inside her sweater, knowing he wouldn’t dare to try to get it from there. Sean rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed snort.

  “You’ve been acting all strange this past week. I know there’s something wrong. And you aren’t leaving this bathroom until you spill it—even if it means I have to sleep in the tub.”

  To her surprise, Sean let out a long breath and plopped on the side of the tub, holding his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.

  “It’s over,” he said and she did a double-take. No, she must’ve heard wrong. “It’s over, Tammy. I broke it off with her,” he said, as if he’d sensed her denial.

  She dropped to her knees in front of him and removed his hands from his face. His eyes were bloodshot, and for the first time in her life she knew she was going to see her strong, self-controlled brother cry.

  “Why?” she asked, not knowing what else to say. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

  “It’s never going to work with two thousand miles between us. I can’t ask her to leave her world for me, and you know I can’t leave Dad to run the ranch alone.” He shook his head with his eyes still closed, and a pained frown creased his face. “We can dream all we want, but this is just some silly fantasy. We could never be, no matter how hard we try.”

  “This is wrong, you know it is. You’re so perfect together; she makes you so happy, and I saw the way she looked at you when we were in New York. She loves you, Sean, and you love her.” Tammy took his calloused hands and squeezed them; they were so big and rough, even though right now he looked more like a lost child than a sturdy cowboy. “Don’t throw this away; there must be a way to sort things out. Give yourselves a little more time to come up with a solution. Don’t give up like that. Please.”

  “Do you think I’m happy about it? Do you think it’s easy for me?”

  He stood up abruptly and she let go of his hands. He paced around the room like a caged mustang, and she was afraid that the next thing he’d do would be starting to smash things. He looked desperate and . . . devastated.

  “I told you before: dreams don’t always come true, no matter how much we want them to.”

  “Maybe we could convince Dad to hire some help? I could help, too, after school; if you knew Dad wasn’t alone, would you go? You could find some kind of job closer to Alyssa, if not in New York maybe in New Jersey, or somewhere a little farther out from the city.”

  Sean smiled half-heartedly and crouched down in front of her, placing his hands on her cheeks.

  “Tammy, you’re the sweetest sister a guy could have,” he said, his tone soft and sad at the same time. “But you’re too young to know how things work in this world. I don’t belong there; she doesn’t belong here. I thought we could work out our differences, but it was just wishful thinking.”

  “I think you’re making the biggest mistake of your life, Sean,” she said, looking straight into his eyes. “I may be young, but I saw how happy you two were. Throwing it all away for some silly hurdles on the way isn’t grown-up behavior, is it? I hate to see you hurting like that; it hurts me too.”

  She stood up and so did Sean. She had her back to him and hunched a little as tears filled her eyes. She couldn’t bear to see Sean so sad and lose Alyssa too.

  His arms wrapped around her and pulled her close to his chest. A sob escaped her mouth and Sean spun her around. When he saw a tear roll down her cheek, he pulled her close to him again, the way he used to do when she was little.

  “I’m sorry this is hurting you, too. I just wish I had a magical wand to make things right, but I don’t. I’m so sorry.”

  His voice was close to breaking and Tammy hugged him tighter, hoping she could transfer some comfort to him.

  “Please promise me you’ll keep looking for a way to make things work between you and Alyssa,” she said, her tone pleading. “I’m sure there is a way somehow. I’ll rack my brains too. She means too much to you; you can’t let her go like this. You can’t give up.”

  Sean pulled back and gave her a weak smile, nodding ever so slightly. “Will you let me get out now? Please?”

  Tammy retrieved the key from inside her sweater and handed it to Sean. Just before he took it, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed his scruffy cheek.

  “A promise is a promise; no cheating, okay?”

  He chuckled and took the key, leaving the room a moment later. She had to do something.

  ***

  Tammy knew she shouldn’t meddle; after all, Sean was old enough to take care of himself. But after another week went by and he kept getting gloomier, she decided she’d have to give them a little push in the right direction.

  He was so stubborn, and once he’d gotten something inside his head there was no way he’d change his mind. He’d started off his relationship with Alyssa thinking she was out of his league. Tammy had seen the way he’d acted when they were in New York, never accepting Alyssa’s gifts without arguing first. Even though he was walking around like a zombie after his last chat with Alyssa, he was still convinced that this was the only way things could go.

  Too bad Tammy didn’t agree with him.

  She picked up the phone, dialed Alyssa’s number and slumped down on her bed. If Sean knew what she was up to, she’d be in trouble—but she was willing to run the risk, if it meant Sean would be happy again.

  When Alyssa answered the call Tammy heard the empty tone of her voice, and she knew she was doing the right thing.

  “Hey Alyssa, it’s Tammy. I . . . um . . . I spoke to Sean,” she said, not sure if Alyssa would mind that she knew the story. Alyssa let out a sigh but didn’t say a word. “He’s miserable. He’s not shaving, he speaks only when our parents are around just so he won’t arouse suspicion, he goes back to his room straight after dinner, and he won’t hang out with anyone. I’ve never seen him like this, not even after things ended with Bethany.”

  “Well, he was the one who thought we should break it off, not me. If he’s miserable, he can only blame himself.”

  “He loves you, Alyssa. He’s crazy about you, and this break-up is killing him; but he’s a stubborn cowboy, and he wants to do what he thinks is best for you.”

  “If he thinks breaking my heart is what’s best for me, then I think he needs to see a doctor—a good one,” Alyssa grumbled, and Tammy hoped she wouldn’t hang up on her.

  “No, he thinks you deserve more than he could offer you; that’s why he doesn’t want you to leave New York.”

  Alyssa laughed wryly. “This is insane. I can’t believe he’d throw what we had and what we could’ve had down the toilet just so I could keep up my lifestyle. A lifestyle I told him more than once I’m sick of.”

  “I know. I told him he was making a huge mistake,” Tammy said, glad the conversation was going exactly where she wanted it. “That’s why I’m calling you now. It’s been almost two weeks and he isn’t any better than he was the first day. You have to speak to him, convince him to stop this self-inflicted torture.”

  “There’s no way in hell I’ll beg him!” Alyssa snapped, and Tammy rolled her eyes, even though Alyssa couldn’t see her. Jeez, she was even more stubborn than her brother. No wonder it had taken them more than a week to get over their prejudices and start tolerating each other.

  “You won’t have to beg him, Alyssa,” Tammy said as calmly as she could, wondering why she should be the one acting like the adult in the trio. “You’ll just have to tell him what you said to me; make him see he’s got it all wrong. He thinks he doesn’t deserve you, that you’ll be happier in New York with your rich friends and guys that can buy you things he’d never be able to afford.”

  Alyssa let out a long breath—hopefully she was close to relenting now.

  “He loves you, Alyssa. He loves you so much, and his stupid decision is tearing both of you apart. He thought he could manage, but he’s a wreck without you. Don’t let his stubbornness ruin what could be something good for both of y
ou.”

  Tammy knew she shouldn’t be begging her but she couldn’t bear not only to see her brother so devastated, but to know that Alyssa was just as heartbroken.

  “I don’t know, Tammy. He made it clear he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship and, to tell you the truth, neither do I.”

  Tammy’s hope sank to her feet; she should’ve known that Alyssa would get sick of Sean’s behavior and would eventually get over him. She hadn’t thought it would be so soon though.

  “I want to be with him more than I’ve ever wanted anything or anyone in my life, but if he’s not willing to even try to work things out between us, I don’t want to be the only one to fight for it.”

  Tammy exhaled and smiled; it wasn’t hopeless, after all—at least, not yet.

  She walked out of her room and started roaming around the house with the receiver in her hands, looking for Sean. This was the right time for them to talk and sort things through. Alyssa was willing to, and Tammy knew that Sean was only pretending. He would jump at the first chance of getting back together with her, Tammy was sure.

  “I think this was all nonsense; if Sean had talked to me before blurting it all out to you, I would’ve made him see what a giant ass he was.” Tammy kept walking, popping her head inside every room in the house until she saw a rocker swinging on the back porch and she knew she’d found him.

  “I’m gonna pass him the phone now and you’re gonna have to open his eyes on the whole thing, okay? Yell at him, call him names if you need—whatever it takes to remove the wool off his eyes. I want my brother back.”

  “Tammy, I don’t think—”

  “Shush,” she said, moving the phone away from her ear and cutting her off.

  She opened the door and walked out onto the porch where Sean was rocking back and forth on the chair with the heels of his work-boots, staring into the distance with a blank expression on his face. He was probably thinking of Alyssa—she would bet all her pocket money on it.

  “Sean. Phone,” she said, handing out the receiver to him.

  He stared at her for a moment, as if still lost in thought, and then looked down at her hand; it took him a few seconds to connect the dots and reach out for the phone. She smiled and went back inside before he realized who was on the phone and what she’d just done.

  Mission accomplished.

  ***

  “Sean.”

  The ground beneath his feet shuddered as a snake of pain coiled around his throat, choking him. Her voice still affected him in ways he wouldn’t have thought possible. Who was he kidding, though? It had been almost two weeks since their last chat, since the night he’d told her they were through, and he’d never even tried to get over her. He didn’t want to get over her—period. If this meant he’d be heartbroken for the rest of his life, then he would. There was no way he would ever want to forget the way her eyes lit up when she smiled, how his heart raced when she kissed him, or the way she could make him feel lightheaded with a single touch.

  “Hey,” he said, clearing his throat to buy some time.

  What the hell was he going to tell her now? Just the sound of his name coming out of her lips had made him want to cry like a baby. He wasn’t going to be able to keep up the mask.

  “I miss our chats,” she said and he could hear her voice was trembling. His eyes filled with tears and he swallowed hard. “They were the highlight of my dreadful days. I hate it here, Sean. I sort of tolerated my life before I met you and your family. I hated it when you left New York, and now that you’ve cut all bonds I feel . . . empty and useless. I miss you.”

  “Alyssa, I—”

  “No, let me speak. You had your chance to say it all last time, and I was too shocked to say what I really wanted to. So now just shut up and listen.”

  Sean let out a low chuckle; he loved her when she turned all feisty. He’d always thought there was more to her than the quiet, sophisticated woman she let everyone see, and he loved this side of her only he had gotten to know.

  “I’ve told you more than once but you can be really thick when you want, so let’s see if we can get this straight once and for all.”

  He heard her inhale deeply, probably rearranging the ideas in her mind. His heart thudded so loudly he was sure anyone within twenty feet could hear it. He’d missed her so damn much that the sound of her voice was enough to cause him physical pain. Maybe he should’ve hung up on her when he realized who it was on the other end of the line.

  “None of the guys I went out with ever even managed to bring a smile to my face, in spite of their designer clothes and credit cards, whereas you . . . you’ve made me happier than I’ve been in my whole life,” she said, interrupting his thoughts. “With you, I found that I didn’t need to wear a mask, to be someone who’d please everyone else but made me miserable. I could be myself, and you loved me all the same. It wasn’t just because I was on holiday; I was happy because you made me happy, because you made me feel loved and special like none of those guys had ever made me feel. I just wish you would get this into that thick skull of yours. I love you, Sean, and I really want this to work somehow. I don’t mind leaving it all behind, as long as I can be with you.”

  “You won’t be happy here, Alyssa. You’ve seen what it’s like; the biggest town is seventy miles away. What would you do all day?”

  Alyssa let out a loud grunt, and he could picture her rolling her eyes and stomping her feet like a child. He smiled at the image and immediately felt nostalgic. He missed her so much.

  “You’re so stubborn you’ll end up driving me insane. Will you just stop thinking all I need are boutiques and swanky restaurants? No, I haven’t figured out what I’d do if I moved to Wind Creek, because up until five minutes ago I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore so there was no point in turning my life upside-down for someone who’d clearly said we were through. If you love me like you always said, please give us a chance.” The tone of the last sentence was less harsh than the rest of her speech, and a lot more pleading. “Let’s wait until the new year, and if by then we haven’t come up with a solution, we’ll accept defeat and go our separate ways. I promise I won’t stalk you.”

  He laughed at that, a real laugh for the first time in two weeks. “I never pictured you as a stalker, but I don’t think I would mind if you became mine.” She giggled, and the barbed wire around his heart slowly eased its tension, even if only a little. Although he so much wanted to believe in the fairytale, he wasn’t sure it would be a good idea.

  “I don’t know, Alyssa. This is so complicated—are you sure I’m worth it?”

  Alyssa sighed. “Listen, I told Tammy I wasn’t going to beg you but I’ve changed my mind. I am begging you now, Sean. Just one more month—if we can’t find a way out of this, we’ll call it quits and you’ll be free to find yourself a nice Wyoming girl and forget all about me.”

  Sean pondered her words and let their meaning sink in; one more month would mean more time to convince his father to hire someone, more time to look for a job somewhere on the east coast so she wouldn’t have to leave the city, more time to see her face on Skype and dream about her lips. The past two weeks had been torture; if he could have one more month with her, he’d be content with what he could get, even though they’d have to say goodbye afterwards.

  If she was so set on making this work, it could only mean that she really loved him. Bethany had disappeared the minute he’d dropped her off in front of her Victorian house in Denver, but Alyssa was still willing to fight, in spite of the asinine way he’d behaved with her.

  “I don’t want a Wyoming girl,” he said, seriously, glad she couldn’t see the corners of his lips twitch. “I’ve a thing for stubborn, begging city girls, so I might give you a chance if you insist.”

  Alyssa laughed and the sweet sound was like music to his ears; he’d missed her laughter, just as much as he’d missed seeing her beautiful face, kissing her lips and stroking her silky skin.

  “And I�
�ve a thing for pigheaded cowboys, so I guess we’re just meant to be, no matter what.”

  They said goodbyes and he promised to meet her on Skype the following night, same time as always.

  When she hung up, he leaned back in the rocker and closed his eyes; she was back in his life and so was his heart. Thirty days; he had been granted a little more than thirty days to find a solution that would entitle not losing Alyssa and consequently not losing his mind.

  This time he would not screw up.

  Chapter Forty-three

  While she was in court the following day for yet another stupid case she had been assigned, Alyssa zoned out from the trial, thinking about Sean and their conversation the previous night.

  His stupid attempts at breaking it off so that she could be free to live her life in her happy little world of diamonds and gold had miserably failed. She knew she owed Tammy big time, because if Tammy hadn’t meddled and tried to put some sense into her brother’s head, they’d both still be grieving over their broken hearts.

  She couldn’t believe that after all the times they’d spoken and the weekend they’d spent together, he still thought she would choose her glossy life over him. She’d never wanted any of this—she’d never asked to come from a wealthy family—it was just the way it was, but she would give it all up for him. He was the only thing worth holding on to. Money would go, her so-called friends had already turned their backs on her, her family had never really cared that much—the only thing she was sure of was that Sean’s love for her was true and totally selfless. He’d been willing to put his own happiness behind just because he didn’t want her to give up her wealthy life—a life he thought made her happy.

  Now things had finally been sorted, she knew more than ever that it was time to stand up for herself and finally do what she wanted to do. She wanted to be with Sean and she didn’t want to be an attorney anymore. She’d rather end up working in a diner in Wind Creek than spend another day in a court, trying to help a guilty man get away with his crime just because he could afford to hire the best legal firm in the city, just like she was doing today.