Hold on to Love

by Roberta Capizzi

  In a flash of clarity she knew exactly what she had to do—she’d never been surer and more determined in her life. If being with Sean meant she would have to give up on life as she knew it, then she wasn’t afraid to do it. When she was with him, she always felt perfectly at ease with herself; she could be the person she had always wanted to be. She knew Sean would never ask her to be someone she was not. He had fallen in love with the person he had gotten to know in Wind Creek, with the real Alyssa.

  She stood up in the middle of the harangue by the prosecution, and Judge Tripp looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

  “Attorney O’Riordan?” he asked in an annoyed tone, and for a moment she felt her resolve falter. Was she ready for this? Would she be strong enough to face her mother?

  All eyes were on her now, and she heard her client clear his throat and ask in a whisper what the hell she was doing. She wanted to turn around and slap him across that annoying face of his, but she knew that would definitely get her in trouble.

  I’m doing it for Sean, she thought, trying to steel herself. His face flashed in front of her eyes and she could almost feel his lips on hers; yes, he was worth all this and more.

  “May I approach the desk, Your Honor?” she asked in a trembling voice.

  Some low murmurs spread among the jury members and some of the people in the audience but she blocked them out. She wouldn’t let the fear of gossip stop her now. Judge Tripp beckoned her and she got out from her chair, reaching the desk in two quick steps.

  “Do I need to be informed too?” the prosecution, Attorney Martins, asked. Alyssa waved him away, and saw his eyebrows shoot up at her gesture.

  She’d pissed off another important person in the New York legal system, but why should she care now?

  “I need you to adjourn the court, Your Honor. I . . .” She stalled, thinking quick of a reason that wouldn’t sound suspicious, but failing when the old judge gave her a hard stare. “I have to leave; it’s . . . um . . . it’s an emergency.”

  She’d never been too good at lying her way out of a situation, and with a court full of people and Judge Tripp’s eyes scrutinizing her she suddenly felt small and defenseless. Tears started blurring her vision and she blinked them back, knowing that crying like a child in front of a judge wouldn’t help her case.

  “Are you all right, Alyssa?” he whispered, leaning closer so that nobody would hear their conversation. Before he became a judge, he’d worked in the same legal office as her mother, so he’d basically known Alyssa since she was a toddler. She was sure he would’ve never expected her to act so strangely, especially not during such an important trial. Maybe she should rely on his fatherly instincts so his reaction wouldn’t be so harsh.

  “I know this is not normal behavior but I . . . I’m not feeling well. I really need to leave.” She put on her best sick expression and gave him a weak smile. She’d never win an Oscar for it, but she should be able to pull it off this time and get her wish granted.

  He stared at her with a frown, looking as if he weren’t totally convinced, but after a moment he grabbed his gavel and nodded.

  “Go home; you look like you could use some rest.”

  Alyssa smiled. “Thank you, Your Honor. I appreciate your understanding.”

  She spun back just as Judge Tripp hit the gavel and pronounced that the court would be adjourned until after Thanksgiving.

  The quiet murmurs from before became louder and Alyssa knew this would reach her mother’s ears before she’d be able to speak to her, but she’d have to see her for the usual Thanksgiving lunch tomorrow, so she was sure she’d have the chance to tell her all about it then.

  She went back to the desk and collected all the paperwork. Her client looked at her with a scowl.

  He shot to his feet, his hands balling into fists and his face turning beet-red. “Would you mind telling me what’s going on here? Are you out of your mind?”

  Alyssa bit her lip and squeezed her fingers around her leather briefcase, resisting the urge to whack him with it.

  “Don’t worry; I’ll make sure someone else from the office takes over your case. I really have to go now.”

  He stared at her open-mouthed while the people from the jury and the other people who were in the court kept whispering to one another, probably taken aback by her behavior. She spun and took off before anyone could stop her or ask her why she had done that. She was free, and the thought of it felt so good she almost wanted to cry with joy. But she knew this wasn’t the time or place for it: she still needed to go back to her office, talk to her boss about finding someone who would take on the case, and tell him she quit.

  Although she wasn’t looking forward to it, she knew it would be the easiest part; talking to her mother was going to be the toughest conversation of her life. Her mother would go mental; she would probably have a nervous breakdown. Imagine the humiliation of knowing her own daughter had stood up in the middle of a trial and had left the court without any explanation.

  To say her boss hadn’t been pleased with her behavior was an understatement. Alyssa was sure that, if she hadn’t cut in during his angry rant to tell him she was quitting, he probably would have fired her anyway. The client was one of the most important ones they’d had, and Alyssa’s reckless behavior might have screwed things up with the whole trial. Alyssa knew she should somehow feel guilty for causing so much trouble, but she couldn’t find it in herself to. Actually, she hoped they would lose the trial and the man would go to jail, pay for what he’d done and learn his lesson.

  She went back to her desk, picked up her few belongings, and left the building without a bit of regret. She didn’t even care about giving the two-week notice which would be expected from her. For once in her life, she would be happy to use her family name to bypass the rules and do things her way. Nobody would dare to argue with the NY chief of police or with Judge O’Riordan. Let them talk about her being a spoilt girl, using Daddy as a shield; she didn’t care what they thought of her. This part of her life was over. Thank God for that.

  This would be the first step toward her freedom. Determination filled her with every single step she took as she walked home instead of taking the underground. It was a cold afternoon, but the thought of the crowded underground train made her almost claustrophobic, just like she’d felt earlier that day in court. She knew she could start breathing again only once she was with Sean. Nothing and nobody else would do.

  She was a human icicle by the time she reached her apartment, but she’d never felt better. She’d switched off her phone, foreseeing a call from her mother sometime before the day was through; she knew she couldn’t keep running away like a child and that tomorrow she’d have to confront her, but right now she wasn’t in the mood for a chat full of reproachful remarks that would make her feel a failure, both as a daughter and as an attorney. There’d be time for that at their Thanksgiving lunch. Right now, she needed to focus on her future.

  She plugged in her laptop and, with a mug of hot tea warming her chilled body, she spent the rest of the afternoon looking for information on the University of Wyoming and jotting down telephone numbers for real estate agents. Her new life was just about to begin.

  Chapter Forty-four

  Thanksgiving hadn’t been the same after her grandmother had died. Alyssa had always enjoyed helping Grandmother cook and stuff the turkey, while Derek used to make gagging sounds before running out of the kitchen. After her grandmother died, Alyssa’s mother never bothered cooking a turkey; she would call and have one delivered to their house in time for their family lunch, complete with vegetables and dessert. Her mother had never tried to be a housewife; money would compensate the household abilities she lacked, so she’d never bothered.

  Alyssa let herself into her parents’ apartment overlooking Central Park and braced herself both physically and psychologically for the day. Derek would be home from college, too. She hadn’t seen him since summer break, but it wasn’t as if she’d missed him. She envied T
ammy’s relationship with Sean; that was how a real sibling relationship should be, but her mother had shaped Derek like a clay puppet, and it was no wonder he was the rational, sensible man he was, who never bothered calling his sister.

  She locked the door and when she spun back, her brother was standing a few feet away from her, his hands in the pockets of his tailored dress pants, looking gorgeous with his perfectly-styled russet hair and that cheeky grin that always made girls swoon. She had to hand it to him; he knew how to look good, and he took great care in it.

  Even so, she couldn’t help comparing him to Sean’s natural, rugged beauty. She was sure Sean never spent longer than ten minutes getting dressed, but he still looked handsome. She couldn’t imagine her brother wearing a pair of worn jeans—unless they were specifically made by a big name in the fashion industry—let alone a plaid shirt.

  “Hey, Lissy,” he greeted her, taking a couple of steps closer, his hands still in his pockets. He gave her a peck on the cheek, and a whiff of his expensive Armani cologne hit her nostrils.

  She wondered if he had a date planned for after lunch or if he’d gone to all the trouble of getting dressed up for a family gathering.

  “You look gorgeous, as usual. I’m sure most of the attorneys you work with find it hard to concentrate when you’re around.” Alyssa let out a chuckle; she didn’t remember her brother being such a charmer. “So, what are you up to? It’s been ages since we talked; any signs of promotions at work? You’ve been there over a year now, right?”

  Alyssa nodded and thought now was as good a time as any to tell him about her decisions. She hadn’t spoken to her mother yet, but she was sure the news had leaked and someone had informed her already. She was ready to get her share of reproachful looks and reprimanding comments during lunch. Hopefully Derek would understand and be on her side when their mother started the trial against her daughter.

  “Actually, I’ve just quit my job and I’m leaving New York.”

  Derek paled. “You what? Are you crazy?”

  Alyssa sighed and walked into the living room, stopping by the window. She stared out the window at the barren trees in Central Park and wondered if the woods around Sean’s house were already covered in snow.

  Derek stomped into the room and reached her. He grabbed her forearm and spun her around.

  “Why would you leave a job in the most prestigious legal office in the city?”

  Alyssa had always known her parents wouldn’t support her, but she had hoped that at least her brother would try to understand, to put himself in her shoes.

  His tone annoyed her and she wished she hadn’t said anything to him, at least not till after lunch. All she wanted to do right now was walk out the door and slam it behind her.

  “I’m not happy there, that’s not what I want. I never wanted to be an attorney.”

  “What’s so wrong about it? I’m sure you get paid the big bucks and it’s what you studied for, at the end of the day.”

  “But it’s not what I want!” she screamed, exasperated at her brother’s thickness. “Are you listening to me, Derek? I don’t care how much money they pay me: I don’t want to be an attorney. I never liked law and I’m not happy with my life right now.”

  Derek shrugged, leaning against the windowsill.

  “Well, I guess it’s a bit late to change your mind now. I mean, if you don’t like law and don’t want to work in a legal office, what else would you be doing? It’s not as if you have any other qualifications.”

  Alyssa bit on her bottom lip and turned back toward the window, cursing inwardly. He was her brother but he could really be a stranger sometimes; she was sure that by now even Sean knew her better than Derek did.

  “I’m moving out of the state; I’ll go back to college and start a new life away from here, from Mom and all of her ideas about who I should be and whom I should date.”

  “Lissy, you’re scaring me now. Are you high on something?”

  Alyssa stifled a scream. He was exactly the kind of son her mother wanted, always following her mother’s orders and getting excited for what made her excited. Alyssa had never felt more distant from him than she did now.

  Derek put a hand on her shoulder, gently spinning her around so that she would face him. When he saw her eyes were sparkling with tears she was trying to fight back, he flinched.

  “What’s happening to you, Lissy? All this talking about quitting your job and going away from Mom is so unlike you. I feel like I don’t know you anymore.”

  “You’ve never really known me anyway, Derek.” Her shoulders drooped and she felt exhausted and sad at the same time, as if that conversation had taken away all of her energy.

  “What are you talking about? You’re my sister, of course I know you.”

  He put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to his chest in an unusual hug; he had never been the effusive kind and they had never really had a close brother-sister relationship, at least not after their childhood, so being in his arms felt totally awkward and made her long for Sean even more. He was the only one she wanted to be in the arms of right now, but she knew that pulling away from her brother would be offensive and rude, so she let him hold her.

  “I wanted to be a vet. Did you know that?”

  “Well, I knew you liked rescuing animals when you were little, but I thought it was only a childhood thing.”

  Alyssa shook her head and sighed. “It was my dream, but unfortunately Mom had other plans for me—well, for us as a matter of fact. We were never given much choice, were we?”

  Derek shrugged. “I like studying law, it’s what I wanted.”

  “That’s because Mom forced us into it. Only, I had Grandma to support me and my dream, so I was harder to convince.”

  “Mom didn’t force me into anything,” he snapped, letting go of her and taking a step back. “And she didn’t force you, either. She told us what was best for us, just like any mother does.”

  “No, she took away our freewill, Derek, and that’s even worse. You might be happy about your life, but I’m not. I feel like a fish out of water here; I always have.”

  “And what are you gonna do now? Where are you going to start this new life of yours?”

  His cheeky tone set her off and she lost her self-control. Who was he to talk to her like that, after all? Since he’d gone off to college, he’d hardly ever been in touch. He didn’t know what she’d gone through and how she was feeling.

  “Why does it matter? You never cared if I was dead or alive, what’s different now?”

  “Lissy, come on, stop acting like a child. It’s not that I don’t care about you—I’ve been busy. You should know what it’s like.”

  “Stop calling me Lissy! For once in your life could you just use my name?” She was seething now, and the nerves took her breath away as if she’d just run a mile.

  “I don’t understand what’s wrong with you, honestly. You’ve turned into someone else, some crazy woman I don’t know.”

  “Maybe this is the real me, Derek. Maybe the person you knew was just Mom’s puppet, but now this puppet has a will of her own.”

  “You really make no sense, Lis . . .Alyssa.”

  “Neither do you, nor Mom, for that matter.”

  She turned her back to him and walked away, needing to leave the room that was starting to close in on her.

  “Where are you going, then? Are you gonna tell me?” he called, walking after her. He took her wrist, and she tried to break free but he didn’t let go.

  “Wyoming,” she said, without turning around. The grip on her arm tightened.

  “Are you serious? For God’s sake, Lissy, what the hell are you going to Wyoming for? There’s nothing but cows and fields there.”

  “Maybe that’s what I want: nothing but cows and fields. Maybe I’m tired of traffic and skyscrapers.” She yanked her hand away and Derek let go. He took a step around her and faced her, his eyes wide and his brow furrowed.

  “You could go
to any college on the east coast. Why move to a godforsaken place like Wyoming? You’re really losing your mind, and you’re freaking me out now.”

  “Well, suit yourself. I honestly don’t need your opinion or your approval, or anyone else’s. I’m moving to Wyoming. I’m gonna live there and go to college and be the person I want to be.”

  “Does Mom know this?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “She probably knows I quit my job by now, but she doesn’t know where I’m going. I haven’t spoken to her about it yet but it’ll probably come up today, once she starts her interrogation about why I made a scene in court and quit my job.”

  Derek inhaled deeply. “Mom’s not gonna be happy about this and I know I’ll end up being caught in the middle of a war between the two of you. Fantastic.”

  “Well, thanks for your support, Derek. You’re a really loving brother,” Alyssa said through gritted teeth, and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “What do you want me to say? I know what Mom’s like.”

  She hung her head and let out a sigh. “I was really hoping you would understand.”

  “Well, I’m sorry if I can’t understand why someone so talented like you would leave a great job and good money to move to the middle of nowhere, just to pursue some childhood fantasies.”

  “Ugh, would you just go to hell, Derek?”

  “Alyssa!” Her mother’s voice boomed from outside the room, and Alyssa gave a start, wishing she hadn’t started talking about it in the first place. “Don’t talk to your brother like that!”

  Alyssa rolled her eyes, feeling like a ten-year-old all over again.

  “He deserved it,” she replied, and her mother looked at Derek for an explanation.

  “It’s nothing, Mom. It’s just a sibling thing.”

  “Well, even so, I don’t want to hear those words coming out of her mouth.”

  If her mother could read her thoughts right now, she would be even less pleased with her daughter. Alyssa started counting to ten in her mind before she could let any of those words slip out by mistake.