Love or Lust

by Rachael Brownell

  He makes it sound so easy, to tell complete strangers about my life. To open my heart and let someone in. The last time that happened, it got broken. It still hasn’t healed. I’m not sure I’m ready to take that risk again.

  In my mind, love is off the table. It’s not worth it. The risk is higher than the reward.

  Lust on the other hand . . . I think I can get on board with that. Maybe. Depends on who’s offering.

  Jace? Yeah, I’d jump on that train. No questions asked.

  Lennon? He seems like more of a relationship kind of guy from what I can tell so far.

  Drake? He’d give me a ride and then drop me off promptly and never call.

  The rest of the guys—Gage, Milo, Callen—they all seem nice but aren’t really my type. Maybe I’m not giving them a chance. Maybe I’m reading them all wrong. Only time will tell, and right now, I have a week to figure out who and what I want from this stupid game I signed up to play.

  More like . . . got tricked into signing up for. Thank you very much, Naomi.

  “Where’s Kyra?” Ed asks as he’s about to walk away.

  The table falls silent, the only sound the clatter of dishes coming from the kitchen.

  It was made crystal clear last night that these “events” were not optional. Everything on our schedule is mandatory, and if we choose not to attend, we are in breach of our contract and will be sent home.

  “I think she said she wasn’t feeling well,” I say, quickly pushing away from the table. I’m not going to let her get sent home on the second day. “I’ll go check on her.”

  I have a feeling that’s what she wants. To forfeit. It’s her way out of here. Her escape. I still don’t understand why she would even sign up for this to begin with if she didn’t come to play the game, but I was damn sure going to find out.

  Knocking on her door, I’m surprised she answers as quickly as she does.

  “Hi,” is all she says as she shields her body with the door.

  “You’re late. They were asking about you.”

  “I know. I’m not going.”

  “It’s not really an option. If you want to stay, you have to go to these things. You can lock yourself away the rest of the time, but I think you’re not giving this a chance. You came here for a reason, right?”

  She nods her head but doesn’t say anything as tears well up in her eyes.

  “Look, we have to get to dinner, but why don’t we talk after.”

  I may not know this girl, but seeing the tears in her eyes has my heart breaking for her.

  “Okay,” she squeaks out, stepping out from behind the door.

  Her posture and forced smile tell me all I need to know. She’s obviously scared shitless of the situation she’s put herself in. The least I can do is offer her friendship until she’s voted off, because at this rate, it’s inevitable. She’s not even making an effort to get to know anyone, and that will be her downfall. Sooner rather than later.

  As soon as we’re all seated at the table, wine is poured, and food is served. The volume level kicks up a notch as everyone starts talking over everyone else. Laughter fills the air as we fill our bellies. The only person not sharing in the fun is Kyra. She’s sitting stoic, a fake smile plastered on her face as she listens to Teegan talk about her ex-boyfriend.

  The one that just broke up with her.

  And then it clicks. The one thing we all have in common.

  We’re all broken. Our hearts have been shattered. The producers are banking on us lusting after one another in the hopes for good TV. The kind where the little black sensor bar needs to be used to cover exposed body parts. The way some of my fellow castmates are looking at each other, they’re onto something.

  Teegan’s focused on Drake.

  Milo’s fucking Teegan with his eyes.

  Courtney looks like she wants to eat Callen alive.

  Callen is staring at Natasha’s boobs.

  Bella is slyly checking out Jace.

  Natasha’s eyes are dancing between Lennon and Gage.

  Gage is shoveling food in his mouth while looking down the table at Bella.

  Lennon is piercing me with his stare, and when I look away, I find Jace is doing the same.

  The only person not engaged in an eye-fucking contest is Kyra. She has no interest in being part of the orgy that could start at any moment, and honestly, she’s probably the smartest person at the table.

  Because shit is about to get complicated. People are going to get laid, and then people are going to get hurt. Sent home or tossed aside for another conquest. We’re already damaged goods. I can’t imagine feeling worse than I have the last few months.

  The one thing I can say for certain is that no one looks like they’re about to fall in love, and I guarantee the cameras are capturing every stolen glance. Every heated stare. And the producers are going to eat this shit up.

  The conversation becomes heated, and before I know what’s going on, Gage picks up the rest of his burger and throws it at Milo. It bounces off his nose, landing on the table. Everyone stares for a second before hands start scrambling for anything they can grab, and food begins flying in every direction.

  “Food fight!” one of the guys yells as I’m hit with a piece of fruit and then another.

  Seriously? Are we in high school again?

  Ten minutes later, we’re all laughing, the trays of food on the table are cleared, and the patio around us needs to be hosed off. So do we for that matter.

  My face is sticky, my hair has stuff stuck in it, and the soft-pink dress I put on is going in the garbage when I get back to my villa. There’s no way I’m going to be able to get these stains out, especially the mustard smear across my right boob.

  “Pool?” Callen asks, looking around the table.

  Kyra and I both pass, but the rest of the group runs toward the water. They’re already splashing around as we turn the corner and are pulled to a stop.

  Jace. Go figure.

  “I was going to see if you wanted to get a drink and go for a walk,” he says, his breathing heavy as if he ran to catch up with us.

  “I’ll find you when I’m cleaned up. I promised Kyra we’d hang out for a little bit too.”

  “You go,” she urges. I forgot she was standing next to me for a second. Jace’s presence was all I could focus on. The smear of something red across his cheek, more than likely ketchup or barbecue sauce. The stains that cover his white, button down shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, giving me a glimpse of his bronzed skin.

  “I will. Later. I’ll find you,” I say, turning and wrapping my arm around Kyra’s shoulder. “After girl time,” I whisper in her ear.

  Jace’s heated stare follows me back to Kyra’s villa. When I close the door behind us and chance a glance out the window, he’s still watching, still waiting to see if I change my mind.

  Kyra changes and brings me a towel to clean up a little. She barely got any food on her, but then again, I don’t think she threw any food to begin with. It’s all a bit of a blur to be honest. I grabbed whatever I could get my hands on and chucked it in no particular direction. I just wanted to hit someone, anyone. I know I got Courtney at least once because I heard her yell my name.

  “So, tell me, why are you here? What made you decide to do something like this?” I ask as she takes a seat next to me on the sofa. Her villa is an exact replica of mine. I’m sure they all look the same. The only difference is the color scheme. Where I have soft greens and grays, she has a bolder pallet of reds and white. Not very fitting for her personality.

  She wrings her hands in her lap. “My sister forced me to sign up.”

  “Forced you? Shouldn’t this be something you want to do and not something someone is making you do?”

  And now I’ve become a walking contradiction. Though, in my defense, I did agree to coming here. Under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. If I had been sober, I doubt I would have made this decision for myself.

  “You woul
d think, but she’s always told me what to do and I’ve always listened. She married the boy I’ve loved since I was five. Broke up with my last boyfriend because she thought he wasn’t good for me. She controls my love life, and so, in a way, I did this because at least she wouldn’t be able to control how it turned out.”

  That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Who does that to a person?

  “Well, I think your sister is an idiot. And honestly, not very nice. You should be able to date whoever you want. Make your own decisions. You’re an adult, and it’s your life. So take back control. No matter how this turns out, promise me that you will, because in the end, it’s your life, not hers.” She doesn’t reply, so I ask her the one question I already know the answer to but need to hear it from her. “Do you still love him? The guy she married?”

  “With all my heart.”

  “Does he know?”

  She nods and then averts eye contact.

  “Does he love you?” Another nod followed by a tear.

  “He doesn’t like it that I’m here,” she finally says. “He’s afraid I’m going to get hurt.”

  “And marrying your sister didn’t hurt you?” The audacity of this guy astounds me. He has no right to have a say at all.

  “She was pregnant. He felt like he had to.”

  And the kicks just keep on coming. What as asshole.

  “He knocked her up? Why was he even sleeping with her?”

  “He wasn’t. We were together.” What the hell have I walked into? How much worse can this story get? “It was so my father didn’t freak out. They weren’t supposed to go through with it, but she forced him, begged. And now he’s stuck.”

  I want to throttle her sister, but more than anything, I want to break out of here and help her piece her life back together. To help her get back the love she lost because she’s not going to find that here.

  Instead, I help her hatch a plan. One that will give her back what she lost and hopefully put a little dig in her sister at the same time when the show airs without costing her the man she’s meant to be with.

  Stay as long as she can. The longer she’s here, the more money she goes home with. Hell, surviving two weeks will be enough to pay for the divorce, and then they’ll be able to move on. Together. The way they should have two years ago.

  My good deed for the day is done, I think to myself as I leave Kyra’s villa and return to my own to shower. Lennon is waiting outside my door when I approach, and I can’t help but be a little confused by his presence.

  Chapter Three

  Day 3

  Lennon is a sweetheart. He was concerned that someone had offended me or that I’d gotten hurt during the food fight, so he came to check on me. And Kyra, he quickly added. It wasn’t hard to see the kindness and sincerity in his eyes. He wasn’t there to try and seduce me even though, at the heart of everything, that’s what we all signed up for.

  Still, I went to bed with a smile on my face last night.

  It’s too bad I woke up with anger coursing through my veins after reliving the nightmare that is my life. The moment I found Wren, with that bitch, in our bed. Walking into our apartment, hearing her moans, calling his name, asking him for more.

  Those are sounds I wish I could erase from my memory. I’ve tried and failed. Alcohol only numbs the pain for a few hours. I still wake up to reality. And she’s still sharing his bed.

  Because apparently it wasn’t the first time he’d fucked her while we were together. It was an ongoing affair. She even knew about me. Knew I was moving in with him. Knew he was planning on starting a life with me. Yet she stayed with him after I left. The cheater. What she doesn’t realize is that he will cheat on her too eventually. It’s who he is. He’ll get bored and move on.

  At least, that’s what he told me. That he was bored. That our relationship had lost its spark. Life for us had become monotonous, and he wanted more excitement.

  Basically, the thrill of being with another woman, of sneaking around and potentially getting caught, was what turned him on. What lit a fire inside him. I wasn’t enough for him anymore.

  Shaking away the negative thoughts, the feelings of hate and resentment, I begin brewing a pot of coffee and study the schedule for today. It’s almost noon. I need to start getting ready, physically and mentally, for this afternoon scheduled activities.

  They’re separating us. Girls are expected to be together all afternoon, either at the pool or the garden by our villas. No boys allowed. They’ll be on the opposite side of the property, in the game room or near their villas. After four o’clock, we’re free to do as we please.

  What am I going to do with five other girls for three hours?

  Why am I even asking myself that question? I already know the answer. We’re going to talk about the guys. Bond over who’s the cutest. Who we think is the sexiest. Who we’d like a chance to roll in the sheets with.

  Someone will get jealous.

  Someone will turn into a bitch.

  We’ll all start judging each other, and there will be more drama than I’m up for.

  Because drama makes for good television.

  Something I wish I could avoid considering the amount of drama I have in my regular life. But I have to go.

  It’s on the schedule.

  And I have to participate.

  I can already tell who’s going to play which part. They’ve all made their personalities known at this point. Even if they think they haven’t. It’s the little things they can’t hide. The way they undress the guys with their eyes. The looks they give when they think no one is looking, to both the guys and the other girls. Especially the other girls.

  Teegan is the temptress. She’ll tease each of them to stay in the game as long as she can, but there’s only one she’s going to sleep with. I haven’t figured out who that’s going to be yet, but there will be one.

  Natasha seems to be kind of promiscuous. And not in the good way. She been practically draping herself all over a few of the guys since we got here. She’ll end up sleeping with at least two of them in the hopes they vote to keep her here. I understand her plan, but I can also see it blowing up in her face. Guys talk, more so than girls sometimes. Especially about sex. In a setting like this, their topics of conversation are limited. Which means they’ll be talking about us.

  Kyra, she’s going to be the quiet one. Even after our conversation last night, I don’t see her opening up a ton to the guys. This is going to be a challenge for her, but she promised me she would try. Not for me, but for the ultimate goal that awaits her when she leaves here. She’s not interested in hooking up or falling in love. She has her eye on the money. The longer she’s here, the more money she’ll get.

  Bella is a bit of a mystery to me still. She’s not as quiet as Kyra but not as open as some of the girls. She’s a good mix of sweet and sexy. I feel like she’ll open up more in a private setting than in a group setting. Get her alone and she’ll tell you her deepest, darkest secrets. She just doesn’t want them publicized.

  Too bad the entire world will know everything after this is all over. If the details are juicy enough anyway.

  Courtney is probably my favorite of the girls so far. She’s a bit of a ditz but God love her. She has a huge heart and came to play the game. She’s not only after the money, but she’s ready to have some fun. I think her sights are set on falling in love more than they are on a quick fling. Still, the way she was looking at Callen last night has me wondering if I’m off the mark.

  Then there’s little ole me. The girl who still can’t figure out how she got talked into this. The one who has no intentions of falling in love on this show but isn’t really ready to jump in bed with another man yet either. I know I need to play the game, and my ultimate goal is the money, but I’m scared as hell. Scared I’ll actually connect with one of these guys and his intentions aren’t pure. What then?

  Walk away more hurt than I arrived? Yeah, not interested.

  So I’m
going to take it day by day. See how it goes. If I get sent home, so be it. If I’m here until the end, that’s awesome. The prize money will allow me to start fresh and get my life back on track, and my heart will be intact.

  That’s what I call a win-win.

  Now, to figure out how to beat these other girls at a game I don’t even want to play . . .

  “He’s hung,” Teegan says, taking a sip of her wine.

  We decided to have a picnic in the garden. Teegan and Natasha brought the wine while the rest of us brought snacks. It’s been fun so far, getting to know them a little better on a more personal level, but the conversation had since turned in the direction I expected it to.

  Right to the guys.

  And they’re dissecting them one by one.

  Starting with Drake.

  “Have you seen his muscles? They’re huge!” Courtney practically yells. The property isn’t small, but her voice carries. If the guys are outside anywhere close, they can hear everything she’s saying.

  “You do realize what steroids do to a man’s penis, right?” Natasha asks but doesn’t wait for anyone to respond before continuing. “His penis could be shriveled up. No joke.”

  Bella’s face crinkles in disgust as laughter bellows from my chest.

  “Um, from what I saw last night, he doesn’t appear to have a problem with shrinkage,” Teegan points out, her voice taking on a seductive tone.

  “But if he does, it’s a good thing he’s not the prettiest one. That’s a tossup between Gage and Lennon. It’s all about the eyes,” Natasha says, purring.

  Even after sitting next to Gage last night, I didn’t really get a good feel for him. I certainly didn’t notice the color of his eyes. Lennon on the other hand, his eyes are gorgeous. They look like pure gold, and they’re piercing when his sights are set on you.

  “What about Milo?” Kyra asks, speaking up for the first time since we did our mini introductions.