Alone

by Sean-Paul Thomas

  'I'm so sorry my love. But if I can't have you then rest assured no one ever shall.' he said now hugging the groggy Steffi tightly against his stomach. After a few beats he held her away from him and completely unexpectedly punched her hard in the face. The force of the blow knocked her over the chair, banging her head off the computer table as she fell semi conscious to the floor.

  I leaned back in my own chair. Shocked at watching this insane drama. I ran my fingers through my hair. I could not believe what I was seeing. It just didn't make any sense that I would ever be capable of doing anything like this. Especially to someone whom I supposedly loved and cared dearly for. Back on the screen the man who looked like me stood over the half conscious Steffi, glancing pitifully down as she laid morbidly still. He began freaking out all over the place in a desperate, insane rage. Smashing most of the surrounding computers and screens all around him with his clenched fists and forearms.

  'Why, why, why!' He raged. Meanwhile Steffi flinched, groaning for the first time since falling to the floor. The man snarled at her movements, turning towards her body before taking a sick, running kick straight at her stomach. Steffi cradled the blow with her arms while coughing, spewing and gasping for air. The man took his axe back from Ian's head making a ghastly popping sound as he pulled it out. He started hurling the axe at the rest of the control room computers in another bout of fury. Finally, exhausted, he finished vandalising what he could and threw the axe down hard upon the floor. He then fell onto his knees, sobbing.

  'All I wanted was just to be with you Steffi.' The man sobbed. 'For us to just be together. I loved you so much, so fucking much! Why couldn't you just love me back. Why?'

  A few moments passed and the man composed himself. He wiped away his tears and leaned calmly back upon his knees. He was gradually taking control of himself and his breathing again. On the floor beside him I could see Steffi trying to glance over at Ian. Wearily she reached for him.

  'Ian...' She sobbed. '...Ian I'm so sorry!'

  The man who looked like me finally controlled his sobbing and calmly watched as Steffi reached for her husband. He let out a deep sigh of frustration running his fingers through his hair looking even more agitated and annoyed.

  'Shit! shit! shit!' He freaked. He looked anxiously all around at the chaos and destruction he'd caused. 'What to do? What to do?' He seemed to be thinking wildly out to himself. His gaze fell over both Steffi and Ian again.

  'I guess it's just going to have to be the Airlock for you both.'

  The man sprung into action and scrambled onto his feet. He grabbed a firm hold of the dead Ian's ankles, dragging him out of the control room to Steffi's weak and weary protests. The blood from Ian's gapping head wound smeared the floor behind as the man dragged him along the main row of corridors.

  Still watching the computer screen with a great intensity I quickly changed the option for the camera view to the corridor cameras. I followed the man who looked like me dragging Ian's dead body out into the main corridor and up towards the back of the shuttle. From the control room camera's point of view I could also make out the semi conscious Steffi. Still struggling for breath and fighting dearly for life. She rolled herself over onto her front side. Desperately she tried her best to drag, crawl and haul herself over towards a nearby working computer. One close to the row of flight deck chairs. She dragged herself up onto the seat of the nearby computer, groggily operating it. From the other camera footage on screen I watched as the man who looked like me continued to drag Ian's body further along the left corridor with the trailing window. A second passed and all of the lights went out onboard the entire shuttle. This must have been Steffi's doing. The man who looked like me paused only for a moment before dragging Ian's body further towards the emergency laddered hole. Once in position, he opened the tiled trap door and awkwardly bundled Ian's body inside the hole. Ian fell with ease into the darkness below like a rag doll. Suddenly the man who looked like me staggered back, then clutched his chest. For some odd reason he struggled for breath. Determined he began climbing down the hole after Ian's body. A beeping noise started, filling the corridors. It seemed to be coming from the direction of the hibernation pod room. The man froze his upper body sticking out from the hole. Anxiously he glanced down the corridor, through the darkness, towards the pod room. When I changed the camera view to inside the pod room some red flashing lights could be seen coming from one of the pods. The man who looked like me clambered out from the hole and closed the tiled trap door firmly shut. He struggled wearily towards the hibernation room as fast as he could manage. Still clutching firmly at his chest. Still struggling more and more for breath. From the camera view of the control room, a very groggy Steffi continued to operate the computer where she sat. It seemed obvious to me that not only had she cut most of the main power and oxygen levels on board the shuttle. But she'd also done something to one of the pods.

  The man who looked like me entered the pod room. He approached the bleeping, red flashing pod.

  'Anna!' The man shouted anxiously. 'Anna' He screamed again banging furiously upon her pod. He rushed over towards the main computer screen and cycled frantically through some programs. The man looked more frustrated. The program didn't seem to be responding to any of the options he wanted to enforce. He glanced desperately back towards the open doorway leading into the main corridor. He screamed Steffi's name. His tone filled with sheer and utter disgust. Clutching his chest, still struggling to breath, he rushed fast as he could, back out of the pod room and back down the corridor towards the control room. Towards the still barely alive Steffi.

  From the computer screen I continued to watch, confused, dazed, shocked, terrified at the outcome. I didn't know what the hell to think anymore or what to make of any of this mindless madness. It felt trapped inside somebody else's nightmare. Paralysed. Unable to do a thing to help. When I glanced over at the skeleton remains while thinking about what was happening here on the screen. Well it wasn't going to be a happy ending that's for sure.

  The man staggered into the control room. His breathing became harder. He looked more disorientated by the second. He halted briefly when he saw that Steffi had somehow crawled all the way over from her semi unconscious position on the floor where he'd left her, and onto the seats of one of the still functional flight deck computers.

  'Steffi.' The man screamed. 'What the hell have you done? You fucking bitch! What the hell have you fucking done?'

  Steffi's upper body had collapsed in an unconscious heap on top of the keyboard. Yet still desperately struggling for breath. She could barely lift a finger anymore, but her work done here was clearly done. The man approached Steffi, roughly pulling her up by the hair to face him.

  'What the hell have you done you stupid fucking bitch.'

  Steffi looked weak. She barely had the energy to open her eyes let alone speak.

  'You took... someone I love... away from me...' Steffi said forcing a smile, wheezing for breath. 'Well right back at you. None of us... will ever be going home... Least of all... you.'

  The man placed his hands tightly around Steffi's neck and squeezed with an insane fury. He squeezed with all his might. Steffi was far too weak to resist. It didn't take long for the final ounce of life force to drain from her body as he squeezed tighter, harder. When Steffi's lower body gave gently away beneath him, utterly lifeless, only then did the man ease up on his grip. He burst into a fit of uncontrollable sobs. He hugged Steffi hard into his chest. He hugged her, holding her with all the love and warmth he could muster. He sobbed with great despair for a long time.

  Finally he picked Steffi up into his arms and carried her over to the row of three seats on the flight deck. He sat her down peacefully upon the last chair making sure she were facing towards the massive viewing window with the space and stars swarming around outside. After a beat he backed away returning to the nearby computer system which Steffi had used to control the shuttle's power and oxygen levels. He typed away frantically. A password
protection screen flashed up in big, bold letters. The man let out a cold cry of defeat.

  'NO, NO, NOOOOOOOO!' The man raged. 'What did you do Steffi! What did you do?' In a further fit of frustrated anguish, the man who looked like me picked up the computer screen and threw it violently down upon the control room floor, shattering it into peaces. He let out another deafening roar of despair.

  My eyes were glued to the screen as the man staggered agonisingly back down the main corridor towards the pod room. He was barely breathing. In the pod room he struggled to balance himself upright as he approached Anna's pod. Furiously he found the energy to bang wildly upon the glass. His senses seemingly abandoning him. Then, as if returning to him briefly, he reached down for the emergency pod lid release button and hammered down upon with his fist.

  The pod opened. He looked surprised but quickly acted. He gathered up the unconscious Anna from her pod and placed her into the nearest free one. He closed the lid gently down upon her, sealing her firmly inside. He then staggered around uncontrollably again. He lost all balance and co-ordination in his body as he struggled to gain control of his oxygen restricted senses. He fell off balance against the near wall, falling down heavily onto the floor. Disorientated and with very little oxygen getting to his brain he staggered awkwardly back onto his feet. With what little strength and working senses remained inside him, he clambered inside the nearest free pod. Once inside he pressed desperately down upon a green button by his side. After a few seconds the pod lid closed securely down on top of him. Some steam from the pod evaporated into the dark air. Then there was silence.

  I remained seated still directly in front of the silent computer screen. No more movement could be seen nor heard from any of the other cameras. I didn't know what to think or how to react to this. All I could do was continue to stare at the screen in a frozen state of shock, daze and a belated awe. What had I done to those poor people? How could I have been such a monster? Yet here I sat, barely able to remember little bits and pieces about these past events. Although no doubt, at some point in the future those memories would all come crashing back to confront with a vengeance. Surely it was inevitable. I hoped to hell they would not. But I could almost feel them bulging behind some gigantic dam wall in the deepest and darkest regions of my mind. Almost ready to burst those quickly eroding dam walls down any time soon. I couldn't help but think about Mark and how he was going to feel and react to all this when he saw it. If he saw it! I unexpectedly corrected myself. To think that before this horrific revelation I was only concerned about Mark finding out about my recent forced sexual antics with Anna. Were these past events worse I wondered? I couldn't really decide in this moment. To me, no! I had no memory of killing these innocent people and didn't recognise the man who looked like me at all. He felt like a stranger to me along with his shockingly sick actions. But to Mark, no doubt about it, we were the same person. No doubt at all.

  That was it. I had to get rid of the footage and fast. I quickly glanced every inch of the screen for some option that would help me deal with this problem. I found it. A small icon in the top left corner to delete files. I entered it and studied the next array of options very closely. Delete selected footage. Delete all footage. I had no other option but to delete it all and deal with the consequences later.

  Chapter 19

  I continued to sit in front of the computer screen. I had no idea how much time had passed since I 'd deleted all the recorded footage but it seemed like an aging amount. I didn't seem to bothered anymore though as I'd found a new hobby now anyway. Watching the live and present footage of the shuttle's cameras. In particular everything both Mark and Anna were doing. For instance I watched as Mark washed and cleaned Anna in the shower after her sleeps. She appeared so submissive and passively silent than she'd ever been as she let Mark lead her into the running water. She stood there like a zombie. So still and lifeless. And when she didn't even lift a finger to wash herself in the slightest, Mark made the effort for her instead. She let him wash her pale and fragile body without even a care to his touch or where he placed his hands. A body which no longer looked attractive, sexy or appetizing to me like it had done when we'd first awoke. In fact her entire presence disgusted me more than ever and I couldn't explain why.

  When Mark had washed her clean for the very first time right after the shower room incident, I found myself wishing that he hadn't even bothered. That he should've just left her be as she was. Leaving those blood stains all over her arms and lower body, just so I would never have to be attracted to her again.

  Back in the present I watched Mark lead Anna out of the shower then drying her down. Once she was clean and dry he led her back into the twin bedroom. He helped her into bed then crouched beside her to stroked her hair and forehead with his fingers.

  'I wish you would just speak to me. Just to say anything.' Mark said softly. Anna remained silently still, completely unresponsive to his words and gestures. After a great deal of time he stood up onto his feet ready to leave her side.

  'Just get some more sleep my angel. I'll come back to check up on you soon. I love you so much.'

  I watched as Mark, just about to turn and leave the bedroom, when Anna unexpectedly spoke, but without turning to face him.

  'Was that...' She said pausing for a second before continuing in a soft, despairing tone. '...That was... my child?'

  Mark paused. He looked sad and uncomfortable and seemingly struggling to find the right words, if any could ever be suffice.

  'Yes. That was your child. Our child. I'm sorry.' He finally said and turned away from her to leave. I changed the camera view to the one from the kitchen corridor and watched as Mark made his way back down towards the control room where I sat. My heart suddenly felt like it were racing around my entire body as I tried desperately to think of something to do or say when he came in and asked me 'How I was getting along with the footage?' Which he always did. I panicked and quickly stood to my feet. I backed away from the computer screen in the corner of the room. I made my way down towards the viewing window at the front of the control room and gazed outside. I focussed all of my attention upon a group of distant stars that reminded me of the facial outline of a bearded man for some bizarre reason. Or maybe that's what I wanted to see. I heard Mark enter the room. I did not turn to face him. I heard him walking closer towards me, approaching me from behind. Did he already know what I'd done I wondered? Was he coming over to grab me by the throat. To hit me smack bang in the face. To stick a big long sharp needle deep into my own throat just like I had done to Steffi! Whatever happened I wouldn't resist his actions. I surely deserved some kind of punishment for my past actions. I could feel him right behind me now. He came to an abrupt halt. After a brief moment he spoke.

  'How are you getting on with the footage? Did you find anything yet?' He said in a disinterested tone. It felt like he were just trying to make some easy conversation.

  'Nothing!' I said slightly above a whisper. I turned slowly around to face him. 'Nothing at all.'

  'It's boring work, no.' He said forcing a smile. I remained silent. His facial expression said he had something else to say. Something much more important to him than catching up on the mundane task he'd previously set out for me.

  'Look David!' He said more serious. 'I'm sorry about shouting at you like that when we were in the shower room. It was just a bad situation that's all. I completely lost my head. I'm sorry if I scared you or upset you okay.'

  I gently nodded but remained silent. Mark gave me a warm but reassuring slap on the shoulder before turning back towards one of the nearby computers. Luckily it wasn't the one I was previously working at.

  'Jesus.' He sighed frustrated. 'I really need to find out just where the hell we are! How far away we are from home.'

  'How is Anna?' I asked.

  Mark paused. He didn't even look at me.

  'She's not good David. She's not good at all. She needs help and medical care and much more than what's available to h
er here in this place.'

  'Why was she screaming like that? Was she in some kind of pain?' I pressed. Of course I knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from Mark's own lips. I wanted to know exactly what he knew. Again he let out a deep sigh as he half glanced over towards me, but not directly at me. He seemed to be focussing on the blackness outside, just as I'd done myself.

  'She was pregnant.' He said quietly. 'She was pregnant with our first child.' Mark took another deep breath. I thought for a second that he might start sobbing again, but he never did. 'And now she isn't carrying our child anymore.'

  Mark sat back in his chair folding his hands and arms up behind his head in silence. I turned back around to face the beautiful and hypnotic array of stars outside in the blackness of space. No more words were exchanged between the two of us for some time.

  Chapter 20

  I'd left Mark to his own work and tasks in the control room and wandered up towards the windowed corridor towards the rear of the shuttle. I stopped briefly at a section of corridor near the tiled trap door. In my ever increasing, morbid state of mind, I stared hard at my own reflection in the window and in particular my beard which had grown by another inch from when I'd last previously noticed. For a short time I prodded and pulled at the hairy thing on my face. I liked the way it felt as my fingers stroked through the brittle hairs. It was almost soothing to touch. Soon though I could distract myself no longer as the reflection of the back corridor leading up towards Anna's bedroom caught my eye. The reason to why I'd wandered up this way in the first place. I turned around to face the corridor leading me to Anna.