Nic's Devotion: An Endless Series: Book One

by Sara Hess

We were quiet for a while before Seth spoke up again. “I’ve got something to tell you and I want you to listen and wait till I’m done before saying anything.”

  The seriousness of Seth’s tone had me lifting my head. He was leaning back against the wall looking straight ahead.

  “Shoot.” I said leaning back as well.

  “That night we first met Carrie I knew you were interested in her…but I was as well.”

  I raised my brows at Seth’s words but was only mildly surprised. All the guys had noticed how gorgeous Carrie was.

  “I actually went back to the restaurant to ask her out, but was told she no longer worked there.”

  Those words raised my mild surprise to above moderate. Like me Seth had never really shown any interest in any one girl, they just sort of gravitated toward him because of what he represented. He was good looking in a rough-honed way with his hard features and large size, and like me he came from money. He’d been choosier and less frequent in his bedmates than me, sometimes seeing the same girl for a few weeks at a time in a casual way…and when I say casual I mean a sexual association only.

  A self-depreciating expression crossed his face. “When I found out you were seeing her I accepted it; dibs and everything, but as I spent more time around her I began to get a little envious. She a great girl; sweet, beautiful, funny. You were different with her, but I wondered if it was just a passing thing…something new. It wasn’t difficult to see that she’d gone through something and I became concerned at where your interest was leading, but after a while I could see that it wasn’t just superficial. And then you said you loved her. You surprised the shit out of me when you said that.” Seth laughed in remembered astonishment. “So I reigned in my envy and tried to be happy for you, even though I was still concerned about how fast you might be going with her. I have to say when you two came down this morning I was feeling some resentment.” He smiled sardonically but continued while staring forward. “You had a dopey ass smile on your face and she looked ten shades of embarrassed but happy at the same time.” He shook his head minutely. “That stung a little, but it wasn’t deep and I knew that my feelings for her weren’t as strong as yours definitely were. I was more concerned for her than jealous.”

  Seth finally turned to look at me. “I can see how much you care for her, love her, and I just want to say I’m happy for you, man, and to tell you not to let anything stand in your way. You and Carrie have something special and that’s not something you give up on. You fight, even if you have to fight her.”

  Seth’s speech was a revelation and brought to light why he’d been acting so out-of-sorts lately. I was conflicted about Seth’s disclosure; I didn’t like the idea of him having feelings for Carrie, but I could see that he wasn’t planning to do anything about them. He respected my feelings for her and wasn’t trying to interfere. He was good friend that had in fact listened and helped me out even though it had perhaps chafed him raw. If we’d been in opposite places I’m certain I wouldn’t have stepped to the side like he had no matter how good of friends we were. Carrie was mine and no one else’s.

  “I appreciate your honesty, and believe me, I’m not letting her go.” I said resolutely.

  “I also recognize that you’re better for her than I could ever be. I’m too serious and taciturn, and she needs someone who will make her laugh. And you two do look pretty together.” He smiled jokingly and I knew he was trying to lighten the moment.

  “We do, don’t we.” I smiled through the strain I was still feeling.

  “Nauseatingly.” His head tilted back against the wall and the profound moment passed.

  I’m not sure how long we sat there, but I could hear crying every so often and it took great restraint not to burst into the room and sweep her back up in my arms. Seth holding me back also helped. Eventually the door opened and soft sobs spilled from the room as Dr. Mathews stepped out shutting the door behind her. Her expression was strained with unhappiness.

  I jumped up from the floor. “How is she?” I asked anxiously, wanting to go directly in but needing to know what I was dealing with at the same time.

  “She’s extremely upset. I’ve had quite a time trying to calm her down. Her mother and aunt put a multitude of doubts and reservations in her mind. She feels that all she is going to do is bring problems to everyone associated with her. She wouldn’t reveal what they said to her but whatever it was has seriously marked her self-worth. Her psyche at this moment is akin to how she was when she came out of her comatose state.” Dr. Mathew’s expression grew more distressed. “She’s asked me to take her back to the hospital. This latest blackout has really traumatized her and she believes that they are becoming unmanageable.”

  “No!” I exclaimed. She needed people around her that cared about her, not strangers. She needed me.

  Poignant sympathy washed over her face. “I tried to convince her that all she needs is outpatient therapy but she’s adamant, and I didn’t want to escalate her anxiety further. If it had gotten any worse I would have had to use medication to calm her down. Hopefully, after a day or two she’ll be more composed and able to process everything better.”

  I hated what I was hearing but if she needed a few days in the hospital to get herself together than I could swallow my rejection of the whole idea.

  Dr. Mathew’s returned my nod. “I can see that you are dealing with an overload of emotions right now but I need you to stay collected. The last thing Carrie needs to deal with is more drama. It will only make her more upset.”

  I was glad she could read me because the last thing I wanted was to upset Carrie further. I took a deep breath corralling my anger and helplessness. “I can come see her in the hospital, right?”

  Dr. Mathew’s smiled sadly. “Of course, but don’t be upset if she doesn’t accept right away, and don’t give up. She needs to know that people care about her and are waiting for her. I’m going to take her with me now; remember to keep your emotions in check because they will only upset her further. Wait here.”

  She went back into my room and I did some deep breathing to get myself under control. A couple minutes later the door opened and Dr. Mathew’s led Carrie out with her arm around her waist, as if she were afraid Carrie would collapse without her assistance. It didn’t look far from the truth because Carrie was hugging her waist like she could fold in on herself any second.

  Carrie’s gaze connected with mine, tears pouring from her eyes. “I’m sor…ry.”

  I could feel my eyes pooling again. “Honey, you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” Unable to stop myself I scooped her up in my arms. I wasn’t sure when I would get to hold her again.

  Carrie put her face into my chest continuing to cry brokenly. “Sor..ry. De…serve some…one not dam…aged, bro…ken, some…one stron…ger.”

  I swallowed painfully holding the tears at bay with everything in me. “Carrie, you are not broken or damaged, you are strong. You’re taking charge and doing what you think you need to do and I’ll support you. I’m here for you. I love you, baby.”

  Her crying became more heart-wrenching at my declaration. I walked down the stairs and at the bottom stood all my roommates and Amanda wearing varying expressions of sadness and concern. I shook my head and gave a jerk of my head and they got the hint moving into the living room. I didn’t want Carrie to get more anxious at the thought of more people observing her.

  I carried her out of the house and Dr. Mathew’s opened the back door of her car allowing me to settle Carrie in gently. She curled herself away from me and my heart clenched excruciatingly at the gesture. Taking the seat belt I buckled her in and kissed the top of her head.

  “I love you, Carrie, and I’ll see you soon.” I rubbed my cheek against her hair and forced myself to back up and close the car door. The sound it made seemed to resound with dread.

  Dr. Mathew’s gave me another sympathetic smile before climbing in the driver’s seat. The car pulled away and I stared after it feeling my heart pinch ti
ghter the further away it got until I could no longer see it. I remained standing there for a couple more minutes gazing in the distance before going back inside the house. I walked past my friends who milled around the foyer, and taking the stairs two at a time I slammed the door of my bedroom and proceeded to demolish my room. I made sure to keep away from the bed though, because Carrie’s presence lingered there.

  Chapter Thirty-five

  CARRIE

  I stared out the window of my sterile cream-walled bedroom. It had been three and a half weeks since my panic attack and asked Dr. Mathew’s to admit me. I hadn’t had any other blackouts, but I had experienced some rather intense episodes. Dr. Mathews was trying some extreme therapy on me making me deal with my underlying issues, and I was finally opening myself up to what they were.

  I had never really dealt with what my father had tried to do to me and what I’d had to do to live. I’d been repressing it instead of dealing with what happened. That’s why my episodes had been occurring. It was being shoved in my face, and rather than face it I would panic and pass out. My intense feeling for Nic hadn’t helped either. It had made my emotions even more volatile.

  Discovering the problem was simple but facing the past wasn’t. I’d spent four years trying to hide from it. Dr. Mathew’s said facing it would stop my blackouts completely; that and realizing that none of it was my fault, and I had nothing to feel guilty over. It sounded straightforward, but saying something and doing something was entirely different.

  I had been blocking my father completely from my memories. I accepted that I had one, but I didn’t want to actively acknowledge him, and every time someone brought the incident or my dad up it would knock at that door that I didn’t want opened.

  About a week and a half into our therapy sessions there had been a break in the wall surrounding my memories and I began recalling certain events from my childhood with him. They’d been random scenes of the two of us playing together; a board game, playing at the park, eating at a restaurant, innocent things like that. Remembering them had almost caused me to have another black out; instead, I’d just broken into a really long crying jag.

  It was difficult looking back and remembering him as a loving and devoted father after what he tried to do to me. Why would he have done what he did if he loved me? I tried examining those times with him to see if he’d pushed any certain boundaries with me sexually, but I couldn’t recall any. I only remember being content in my life.

  I’d been told that he’d had child pornography on his computer and was intoxicated the night of the attack, and I wondered if maybe he’d tried suppressing for years this predilection and had finally snapped that night. However, it’s something I’ll never know and Dr. Mathew’s keeps telling me that all I can do is accept it. She also says it’s okay to remember him fondly and that my theory could be what conceivably happened, but that I can’t take the blame for defending myself, and if he had indeed been a good father than he wouldn’t have blamed me for what I did.

  I’d spent a lot of time crying my eyes out.

  Both my cousins, Blake and Samantha, had come to visit me. They’d apologized profusely and explained that their mother had lied telling them I’d been hospitalized all these years and wasn’t allowed visitors. Blake felt really bad saying he should have looked into my situation further instead of just letting it go and trusting his mother. He’d explained that his mother admitted she’d been concerned that my past would hurt both his and Samantha’s future aspirations, but they’d condemn her actions saying that none of what happened to me was my fault and they would denounce whoever said otherwise, starting with their mother.

  They’d called and visited several times and we were actually getting very close. They also accepted that I might never want to interrelate with their mother.

  Amanda had also come a few times with Noah, but I’d only wanted to see Amanda. Seeing Noah was too close to seeing Nic. The first time she’d visited she had rushed up and hugged me admitting that Nic had disclosed my whole story to her and the rest of his roommates and that everyone was appalled at how I’d been treated by my family.

  Incredibility had poured through me at her acceptance followed by relief and a sort of liberation at not being rejected and reviled. It had taken me a while but I was finally realizing not everyone was going to run at discovering my past. Nic’s and my cousin’s acceptance had gone a long way in instilling that belief.

  Amanda had been keeping me up to date with everything that was happening outside the hospital. She told me that Nic had talked to John at the Sports store and that Nic, all his roommates, Blake, as well as her, were taking over my shifts so I wouldn’t lose my job, and that the checks were still being written in my name. She said John sent his love and hoped I’d be back soon. I’d gotten extremely choked up at the news. I couldn’t believe that everyone was doing all that for me.

  Carl had even stopped by. He said Nic had told him where I was. He’d given me an enormous hug and said as soon as I got out to come see him. He’d been sending regular e-mails telling me of all the things going on at the aquarium.

  Dr. Mathew’s had talked to the college and they were allowing me to turn my work in online. Any tests I did were done in the presence of one of the hospital staff and signed confirming it was me doing it.

  Everyone was being so supportive and nice, nearly bending over backwards to help me; it wasn’t something I was accustomed to, but it felt incredible knowing I had family and friends who supported me…who cared about me.

  I sighed and looked down at the letter in my hands. It was from Nic. I’d refused to see him since being admitted. He came almost every day and I felt terrible each time I refused, but I’d been so upset at first and thought he was better off without me. However, he was slowly wearing down my defenses and excuses. He wasn’t giving up on me when I was used to people doing exactly that.

  I’d been watching his lacrosse games on the television. He was doing well, but his playing seemed to lack the energy and drive I’d seen in him during those times I’d watched him live. The team had played three games while I’d been in here. They’d lost the first game by three points, won the second by one, and won the third by two. Nic even had an interview where a reporter had asked him why he seemed so distracted on the field lately. His reply had been that he was missing his good luck charm, but hopefully it would show up soon.

  I’d soaked up the brief glimpse of him thinking that he was looking tired and worried that he wasn’t sleeping well.

  I missed him; utterly and excruciatingly. He’d been my sun and now everything was dismal and drab.

  I looked down at the letter again. Taking a deep breath I opened it and took out the one piece of paper inside.

  Carrie;

  I love you and miss you terribly. Remember you said that I was your sun and I replied that you were my moon. Well, they cannot exist without each other, and my light is slowly diminishing without you there next to me. I stand on the edge of a precipice with nothing to stop me from falling and being lost forever. Trust me, trust in us. Please, come back to me.

  Always and Forever,

  Nic

  I wiped at the tears falling down my cheeks at his words. He’d written down the same thing I’d said to him. It suddenly hit me that I had been afraid of him walking away from me, rejecting me, because of my past, but he wasn’t. Instead, I was the one walking away. I’d put myself in here not to get better, but because I had wanted to hide. I could have just gotten outpatient therapy like Mona had suggested, but I had been hurting and thinking, erroneously, that everyone was better off if I just disappeared.

  I’d only been feeding into my insecurities.

  It was time for me to be strong like Nic kept telling me I was.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  NIC

  I suited up half-heartedly for the team’s game against Cornell. In the last month we’d lost a game, which I felt partly responsible for, but won the next two. I should be happy
about the two wins because a win was a win, and no one on the team was pointing any fingers...well, except for coach who was on my ass for being unfocused, but I knew I wasn’t playing up to my usual standards. Not even my standards prior to Carrie. I was running through the motions, the thrill and excitement of the game was absent.

  Nothing was the same without Carrie. I’d always thought that if I had lacrosse than nothing else would matter. The game had meant almost everything to me.

  Something else had taken its place though…someone had taken its place. Carrie. I missed her like a missing limb.

  It was killing me that she wouldn’t see me. She saw her cousins Blake and Samantha. I knew she was forming a relationship with them, and I was ecstatic for her that she finally had some family that cared about her, but it didn’t stop me from being resentful as hell of the time they got to spend with her.

  Amanda also visited her and each time she would come back to the house and update me on how Carrie was doing. I’d listen and then go to my room needing to be alone because I’d get upset and angry at not being the one allowed to visit with her.

  I knew what she was thinking and doing. She thought she was a liability and made some asinine decision to try and do what was best for me by stepping out of the picture. While I loved her for her selflessness her reasoning this time was half-baked. She was the farthest thing from a liability. I needed her in my life. She was accustomed to people abandoning her but I was going to hound her until she eventually realized I wasn’t going anywhere.

  “So, Cornell.” Landon said sliding his pads on next to me.

  I didn’t look up from tying my shoes. Cornell was a good team with precision team work, and if I played like I had in the last few weeks it wasn’t looking good. It’s not like I thought I carried the team, but I was an integral part of the teamwork that just wasn’t working all that well lately. I felt like a defective cog in the team’s machinery. Moreover, the atmosphere in the locker room wasn’t boding well for a winning game and that was my fault as well since I was team captain and should be psyching them up. I was actually thinking about benching myself.