In Darkness Lost

by Ariel Paiement

  “Yes, well… Can we go let the commander know what’s going on so that we can go? It’s almost lunch time, and I want to see my mother as quickly as possible!”

  “Of course.”

  We walked out of the hut to find the commander.

  The soldiers cast laughter-filled glances our way. They seemed to think that Crypt and I would be a good match. It only made me blush deeper as I realized they had read into the kiss more than was comfortable. Rumors had been leaking around about the two of us for some time. Maybe it would be wise to avoid spending time with him when possible.

  The commander was in his own quarters. When we walked in, he stood up, bowing deeply. “Your Majesty! How can I help you?”

  “Commander, I need to leave early. My mother has woken, and I need to go see her.” I tried not to shift back and forth from foot to foot, clenching my hands against my sides as sweat beaded on my palms.

  He smiled. “That is wonderful news in such a bleak time, Your Majesty.”

  Crypt stood silent at my side, and I remembered that I needed to inform the commander of Crypt’s return.

  “Crypt is going to transport me back, Commander, but he will be returning. I understand that he has been helping you with your defenses, and that is of utmost importance to us all.”

  “I understand perfectly, my Lady. When will the Court Mage be back?”

  “I do not know. By tomorrow, certainly.”

  The Commander nodded. “Thank you for informing me, my Lady.”

  I gave him a polite nod back. “Of course, Commander. We will be leaving now.”

  “Farewell, Majesty.” He stood, giving me a deep, formal bow. “We have been honored by your presence.”

  I smiled. “Thank you, Commander.”

  I turned to Crypt, and motioned for him to follow. We walked out of the Commander’s hut. We returned to his hut, and then Crypt began whispering words.

  Just as we began to feel the effects of the spell, I remembered that I had vowed never to do this again. It was too late to stop it now. I would do it if it meant fewer delays in seeing my mother.

  I began drifting.

  I wasn’t there. I hated this feeling.

  I? Oh, good grief, here we went again. I couldn’t even remember who I was.

  Then the confusion was over and I was back in the palace’s roomy corridors.

  I wiped my damp brow, shivering. “I hate that method of traveling! I always feel like I’m being lost somewhere. I can never remember who I am. It’s terrible.”

  Crypt gave a knowing smile. “That’s quite ordinary. Happens to everyone. You get used to it after doing it enough times. Probably in about ten or fifteen more times, you’ll be used to it.”

  Another ten or fifteen trips through that to be used to it? I didn’t think I’d ever be used to it, and my stomach churned dangerously even thinking about it. “Ten or fifteen more? What a small number.” I tried a weak smile.

  Crypt laughed. “It’s not fun, but it can be worth it to get the benefits of such fast travel. You’re really only in that state for a few seconds of real time. In projected time though, you’re probably stuck in that state for nearly half an hour.”

  I blanched at that thought. “Stop. I don’t want to know anymore! My stomach can’t handle it. Just… Shut up…”

  He grinned. “That bad?”

  “Yes.”

  We started walking towards the doors of the palace. The guards were standing at attention, and they were a little surprised to see Crypt and me.

  “My Lady? But, I thought you were at Falcon Rift Outpost.” The guard stared, blinking a few times and rubbing his eyes. “I must be seeing things, Harry.”

  “You’re not seeing things, Truman.” Harry sighed, giving Truman a wearied look. “She’s there, you moron. Captain Choric told us to wait here for her because she’d be showing up to see her mother soon. Remember that episode, you cretin?”

  “Oh, yeah. I remember now. And I’m no idiot, Harry, so shut up.” Truman glared at Harry.

  I raised an eyebrow at them. “If the good Captain ordered you to escort me, then I suggest we move.” I pushed the astonished guards out of the way and walked past.

  They stood there, mouths agape. Crypt walked between them, following behind me.

  Cheerful, he gave them a wave. “You might wish to close your mouths by the way. It’s rude to stare at anyone, but it’s especially rude when it’s your Queen.”

  They abruptly closed their mouths, and scampered to catch up to me. “We’re sorry, my Lady! Truly, we are. We’re supposed to… to escort you to the hospital if you want to go, that is.” Truman stammered.

  “Soldier Truman, if I didn’t want to go to the hospital, I wouldn’t be walking in that direction out in the freezing cold snow and wind.” I was about done dealing with these two over eager guards.

  It was time to get rid of them with as much politeness as I could muster.

  “What he means, my Lady, is that we were supposed to escort you to the hospital when you showed up.” Harry glared ice shards at Truman, who cowered back.

  “That was exactly what we meant, my Lady.” Truman submitted to Harry’s explanation.

  “Look, you two. Go back to Captain Choric, and tell him that I have the Court Wizard with me.”

  “Yes, Majesty!” They both snapped to attention.

  I made a shooing motion with my hands to tell them they were dismissed.

  They scurried off, and when they were out of earshot, I sighed with relief.

  “I hope that’s not what all your guards are like, My Lady.” Crypt kept his voice down so only I could hear.

  I glanced at the people gazing at us with excitement and pointing. They kept moving and didn’t mob me, and I guessed that it was Crypt using Persuasion on them. He’d been doing that a lot lately to keep some of my privacy intact.

  “Not all of them are, Crypt. Just a few of the more enthusiastic, younger ones like those two. They’re still learning.”

  “Then excuse me if I’d question why Captain Choric would send them to escort you anywhere! Those two can’t keep you safe.”

  “Crypt, I didn’t say they were untrained. Those two came straight out of one of the best Academies of Defense we have. Despite the fact that we were at peace until recently, we still trained some military and especially guards for the royalty. Those two would know over a hundred ways to kill someone who tried to hurt me. It would have to be a very skilled assassin to kill me or kidnap me with those two defending. All I meant was that they were overeager.”

  Crypt nodded. “Forgive my misunderstanding, my Lady.”

  I gave him a strange look. “What is with you and the sudden formalities?”

  “People are near enough to overhear us, my Lady. I cannot drop formalities unless we are in private.” He murmured.

  I rolled my eyes. “Fine.”

  He smiled for a brief moment. “I apologize if this upsets you.”

  I smiled back. “Not at all.” But it did.

  His strange distance worried me.

  I was afraid I had lost him. That he didn’t love me anymore. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be distancing myself too, and I pushed down the feelings, trying to ignore the dark thoughts. Instead, I focused on the fact that my mother was better and she was going to be okay.

  We reached the hospital and walked in. Usually, the white walls of the hospital made me feel trapped, but today, they were pure and pristine – a happy sight to me. The neat halls with nurses bustling up and down tending to patients seemed an orderly chaos, and it brought a smile to my lips. My mother was here and awake, and that fact changed everything about the hospital for me.

  A nurse at the desk looked up as we enter. “Queen Dairdra?” Her face looked surprised. “No one told us you were coming so soon.”

  I smiled. “May I see my mother now, please?”

  The nurse glanced away, hesitating and rifling through some papers on the desk. “Well… Uhh… I do
n’t know if…”

  My smile faltered. I frowned. “What’s wrong? Why can’t I see her? They said she woke up, that she was doing better.”

  “Oh, she was. She wanted something to eat as soon as she woke up. We made her wait an hour while we checked her vitals and everything, but she seemed to be functioning normally, so we let her eat a little soup and have some water.”

  “And?” I shifted uneasily on my feet. “If she’s doing so well, then why can’t I see her?”

  The nurse glanced around, clearing her throat, and fiddling with the pen on her desk. “She’s not doing well, actually.”

  I gave her a confused look. “The messenger said…”

  “She’s dead.” The nurse’s tone was flat.

  The news took a few minutes to sink in. But when it did, it stabbed into my very soul. I crumpled onto the floor. Crypt’s strong arms picked me up off the floor gently, and he set me in one of the waiting chairs.

  “No.” I whispered. “She isn’t dead. They said she was doing fine. They said she was awake. Not dead.” Tears started rolling down my face, and I clung to Crypt. “She isn’t dead!” I shouted at the nurse. “You’re lying to me.” My voice softened. “Why are you lying to me?” I whimpered, clinging to Crypt’s forearms with my numb fingers.

  Crypt looked at the nurse who was avoiding my glance. His words hit my eardrums, but I didn’t comprehend what he had said. I picked out only one word from the nurse’s reply. Poison. After that, I wasn’t coherent enough to comprehend anything.

  I think I might have been screaming and sobbing because I could hear those sounds through the numb haze through which I was experiencing things. It continued – a sound of pure agony that jarred my ears – until I felt someone’s hands restraining me as a needle jabbed into my arm. After that, everything went black.

  ***

  I think they took me back to my room in the palace after I passed out because that’s where I woke up, but I didn’t remember anything but those devastating words and the plunging, sinking feel as the medicine threw me into a dark, black world of nightmares. Those words echoed continuously in my mind now, just as they had in my nightmares. She’s dead. Poison. She’s dead.

  Chapter 11: Dairdra

  Sun streamed in through my window. It wasn’t the warm, inviting sort though. It was weak and drab on my stone floor.

  I turned away from it, lying in bed without the will to live anymore. I closed my eyes, tears running out of the corners. I hated the light. Hated life. Hated whoever killed my mother. But most of all, I hated Cyril for ruining my life.

  Yvette knocked on the door. When I made no reply, she entered with a tray of food.

  The smell of my favorite sausage held no allure today though. Normally, this would get me out of bed immediately on days when I had slept in. But not today. Today, it nauseated me with its greasy smell.

  I didn’t turn to my maid.

  “My Lady?” Her voice was so filled with concern that it elicited nothing but more tears from me.

  But I kept them quiet. They rolled down my cheek, cold and bitter in my mouth.

  She sighed. “Take your time. Send one of the guards outside the door to get me when you’re ready to get up.”

  I heard her skirt rustle as she walked out of the door.

  When she was gone, I let the pent up sobs come. The tears seemed to scald my skin as though they were acid. My throat tightened and burned. My insides seemed to be on fire.

  I wrapped my arms around myself as I lay there, warm under the covers, but heart as cold as stone. Was this what it felt like when you didn’t have anything to live for? When you had nothing to lose? It must be. Because I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to keep living for. My mother was the most important thing in my life, and now she was gone.

  And Crypt. Thoughts of him only made me cry harder. I’d lost him too. He’d been so distant and formal in the last three weeks that I couldn’t help but feel that he was no longer my friend. No longer loved me.

  I found myself almost wishing that Cyril would just win the war and kill me. I didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore, and without a shoulder to lean on, it was seeming more unbearable by the moment.

  I remained in bed all day. Yvette came in to bring lunch and take the uneaten breakfast. She came again at dinner. But at dinner, she actually spoke to me. “My Lady, the Council asks that you decide on a date for the funeral.”

  I didn’t answer.

  “My Lady, please. I have to take an answer back to them.” She placed the bowl of soup and my glass of water on the end table.

  “They can decide. I don’t care.”

  She moved over to the chair to face me.

  I opened my eyes to look at her.

  The feelings I was experiencing were inexplicable. Or rather, I knew they were understandable, but they weren’t bearable, and they went beyond anything I could describe.

  She looked back at me and wiped away a tear that was sliding down my cheek. “Now, my Lady, I know she meant everything to you, but you’ve got to understand something. Other people still need you. Your kingdom needs you in this war. If you give up, they will too, and many of them will die in the take-over of the kingdom. You can’t let that happen.”

  I looked at her. “I can let that happen. I’m Queen. I can do whatever I want.”

  She looked at me sadly. “Nay, my Lady. You are less free than I, a servant. But, if you do not care for your people and kingdom anymore, consider Crypt. That young man loves you very much, and I’d have to be blind not to see you love him back.”

  I looked at the bedspread, playing with a tassel on the quilt. I couldn’t look at her. “He’s been distant lately. And I don’t care. Just tell the doctors to send something to knock me out again. If they don’t, I’ll start screaming.” I felt worn, and my belly roiled dangerously.

  “No.”

  I looked up at her, surprised. I should’ve felt something. Anger that she’d defied me, maybe. Or pain that she wouldn’t help me. Despair, even. But I was just cold. I didn’t feel anything. I was all cried out, and I didn’t have the strength to carry out my threats.

  She looked at me as she stood. “I’m ashamed of you. Just giving up like that, Your Majesty. I always said you were a fighter so I did. But now? I wonder if I wasn’t mistaken.”

  I looked at her dully. “I don’t care. I’m tired of this war. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of who I am. Maybe I’d rather just let Cyril win and come kill me. Then I’d be out of this prison you call life.” My words had no conviction, no force. They fell on my ears, flavorless, devoid of any emotion. Devoid of everything, in fact.

  Her lips tightened into a hard line. “You should eat your dinner.”

  I waved a weak hand at it. “I’m not hungry. Take it away.”

  “No! You eat it.” She gave me an insistent look.

  I pulled myself into a sitting position. “You can’t make me, and if you try, I’ll have you arrested. Leave me alone. I want to die, and if you won’t have the doctors give me something to keep me unconscious until I do, I’ll die of starvation.”

  She looked at me, her eyes widening. “They’d put you into the hospital.”

  “Let them. I don’t care. If they want to extend my miserable life, fine. Just do me a favor.” Finally, some feeling came into my voice. My words seemed to quiver with raw pain. “Make sure that I’m not awake to live through it. I don’t want to deal with it.”

  She looked deep into my eyes, and her shoulders sagged. She’d seen the true extent of my desolation. Without a word, she turned and left the room.

  I lay back down on my bed, pulling the covers over my head. I was numb now. I stared into the darkness of the room, stomach still churning, and suddenly, tears came again. I had thought I was all cried out from crying for nearly a whole day, but hot tears poured over my cheeks. I closed my swollen lids, feeling nothing but the dull ache of loss. After this night of tears, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to cry again
.

  ***

  I woke the next morning to find that someone was holding my hand. My eyes fluttered open in startled bewilderment. Then I saw Crypt.

  “What…” But I couldn’t manage more.

  My voice cracked from the lack of liquids and from my sobbing last night. I think I cried myself to sleep.

  He patted my hand gently. “I know I wasn’t supposed to be back. But they called me back because you were doing so poorly. They said you would die if I didn’t. But I don’t get it, because I came back, and you aren’t dying.” His eyes met my swollen ones.

  He brushed away the tears coming to my eyes over seeing him. So much for not crying ever again.

  Soon I was shaking with the force of the sobs. He sat down on the bed and pulled me onto his lap. I buried my face in his shirt. It seemed safer somehow. Almost as though I was hidden. His arms enveloped me, providing an extra level of security.

  When I was able to control my tears and breathing enough to speak, I looked up at him. “Why won’t they just let me die? I want to die.” My hand curled into balls against his chest, and I shivered.

  He looked into my blue eyes. “You don’t want to die. Don’t say that.”

  “I do want to die.” I stubbornly refused to give ground on it.

  I continued to look at his eyes.

  “Well, it doesn’t matter if you want to die. Because your people need you.” As soon as he said it, he looked into my eyes and he saw it wasn’t enough. “I need you.”

  “You do not. You’ve frozen me out in the last week or so. Do you think I didn’t notice your formality and cold distance when we were visiting the last few encampments?” I dropped my gaze to my hands, which were still clenched against his chest.

  He looked at me, eyes worn. For a moment, it almost seemed he would cry. He rested his forehead against mine. “And I’ve been dying inside every minute of that time.”

  I looked up into his dark eyes again, startled. “But… I thought you… I thought you hated me. Why did you do it, then?” I searched his face for answers.

  “Because I didn’t think I could or should let myself love you until I knew if we’d get out of this. Because I didn’t want to get you drawn into those feelings any further until we knew if we’d have a future. And… I couldn’t bear the thought of loving you just to lose you.” He brushed his lips across mine, and stared at me.