A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Never let me go,” she whispered in his ear.

  But Ezra detached himself from her arms with a great gentleness.

  “She’s in shock,” Mamm said.

  Rosemary smiled and let herself drift off again. Ezra had held her, and that was enough for now. She would sleep until this dream came to an end.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Lydia sat unmoving on the long unmarried women’s bench. The Sunday morning church service had begun over two hours ago. She had dreaded this time all week and for most of the week before. Ever since Deacon Schrock had paid his visit and Daett had been ordered to make a church confession. The shame the family was facing was an awful thing. Daett should never have allowed himself to get into this situation. If only he had dealt with Emma and Rhoda earlier or stayed out of that horrible money scheme. Now Emma and Rhoda were more committed than ever to never coming back from their rumspringa time. Both of her sisters had refused to attend the Sunday service this morning. They would jump the fence for sure. Lydia hadn’t wanted to come herself, but that would only make matters worse. Thankfully Harvey Miller hadn’t been by with a marriage proposal yet, but she was sure Deacon Schrock had spoken to him. Unless she planned to jump the fence along with her sisters, she had some tough decisions ahead of her.

  Was she ready to leave for the love of Rudy? She had chosen the community’s life, but that choice seemed distant and unreal right now. Her decision had been made in a time of dreamy happiness, when she had set out with Sandra to pursue Ezra. How silly they had both been, and how childish their actions. Yet those had been the times when she had felt the most loved by everyone. Now Ezra was dating Rosemary, and to make matters worse, Rosemary had taken ill. The news of Rosemary’s diagnosis of pancreatic cancer had been on every woman’s lips this morning.

  “Poor girl, she was trying so hard.”

  “Yah, for Ezra’s sake,” they said.

  “Love does strange things to people, that’s all I know.”

  “Even keeps cancer at bay for a time.”

  “But all things are in the hands of the Lord.”

  Most of them had gathered around Rosemary’s Mamm to comfort her and whisper short prayers with their heads bowed. The service had been delayed a few minutes until all the woman could come in from the kitchen where they had gathered to pray for Rosemary. The full compassion of the community was on display for the Beiler family—and on the very morning Daett must experience his humiliation. Rosemary might find healing for her sickness, but for years to come Daett would bear the shame for what he had allowed to happen in his house. Families from the community would point to the Troyers as an example of how their young people’s rumspringa time should not be conducted.

  Yet Daett had known the consequences, and had refused to stand up to his daughters. Now there would be no men gathered to comfort Daett after his confession. Not like the women who had supported Rosemary’s Mamm. The community didn’t show its sympathy for those who transgressed the ordnung. How could discipline be maintained if those who willfully transgressed were given support in any way?

  Lydia shifted on the bench as Bishop Henry asked for testimonies and sat down. When those were finished, the bishop rose again and with slumped shoulders said, “Will all those who are members please remain seated? There is work that must be done in the Lord’s vineyard today.”

  The soft rustle of small feet as they scurried off filled the house. Several girls were needed in the kitchen to begin lunch preparations for the smaller children, but Lydia had best not volunteer. The evasion would be obvious. And Sandra had already left the room along with several of the others. So Lydia settled down on the bench and pressed back the tears.

  Sandra’s words to her this morning in the washroom still stung. Sandra had whispered, “I won’t be able to come over any longer, not until this whole thing blows over. And Clyde’s taking me home next Sunday night from the hymn singing.”

  The sad meaning was plain enough. Lydia would be toxic until Daett proved himself worthy again of the community’s confidence. Even Lydia herself was on trial. Sandra hadn’t mentioned that, but they understood each other well enough to communicate without plain words.

  What hurt most was the cut of the cords that had once bound Sandra to her. They were still cousins, but they would never again be lighthearted girls held together by their love and enjoyment of life. Now that Sandra had accepted a date from Clyde, it was clear that she would stay with the community’s tradition, while she, Lydia, was still tempted to stray. She’d have to find her way now without Sandra’s help.

  Bishop Henry stood to his feet again, his voice trembling. “It is always a heavy thing when discipline in the Lord’s vineyard must be exercised. Such is the case this morning with our brother Ben Troyer. He has been found lax in the management not only of his financial affairs but also more seriously of his family. Only after great failure and a sharp rebuke from brothers who care for his soul, has Ben repented. For this we are thankful. But since these two things followed each other so closely and are related, we believe measures must be taken to assure that full repentance is found. With that in mind, Ben has agreed to a church confession, and has also voluntarily offered six months’ time of proving himself, during which he will attempt to restore our confidence in him. We rejoice and gladly accept this further sign of repentance. It will be goot for all of the church to see Ben humble himself before the Lord and before his brothers and sisters. So Ben, will you please leave us now? We will take the counsel of the church on this matter.”

  Lydia looked away as Daett rose to his feet. The front door opened and closed while Lydia kept her gaze on the floor. Long moments later, she saw Deacon Schrock move down the line of unmarried women to ask for their vote. The other two ministers were scattered throughout the rooms where the other members sat. When one finished his section, he took his seat again beside Bishop Henry. From the looks of things Deacon Schrock would be the last to finish.

  Lydia whispered into Deacon Schrock’s ear when he arrived, “I have no objection.”

  Deacon Schrock said nothing, but moved on to finish his section. When he was done, the deacon sat down again with his head bowed.

  Bishop Henry addressed Deacon Schrock first. “So what did you find?”

  “There were no objections among the women,” Deacon Schrock told him.

  The other two ministers reported similar results.

  “You may call Ben in,” Bishop Henry ordered.

  Deacon Schrock slipped outside and returned moments later with Daett in tow. Daett took a seat across from Bishop Henry.

  “The vote has passed to accept your confession,” Bishop Henry told Daett. “You may kneel now before the Lord and the church and confess your sin.”

  Lydia slipped to her knees herself as Daett did likewise. She couldn’t bear the sight. A quiet sob came from the married women’s section. That would be Mamm. Lydia wasn’t about to cry out, but perhaps a quiet time spent in prayer while Daett was humiliated would steady her spirit.

  Lydia heard Daett’s voice rise and fall as he mumbled the prescribed words. “I confess my faults and sins before the Lord and before the church. I beg your forgiveness for my great weakness and ask for restoration in the name of the Lord.”

  “Your confession is accepted,” Bishop Henry spoke clearly. “Please stand, Ben, and go forth into a better life than you have lived the past few months. And the service is now dismissed.”

  There was a shuffle of feet, and Lydia eased herself back onto the bench. No one looked her way. They likely took her kneeling as a sign of her repentant spirit. If only I had one, Lydia thought. The battle with her heart was far from over. Rudy hadn’t made contact with her after that embarrassing episode when they toured the Christmas lights in Ogdensburg, but he would. Even if Daett no longer allowed Emma and Rhoda’s Englisha friends on the farm, Daett had waited too long to prevent this temptation from taking root.

  Lydia stood with the line of girls as the
y moved toward the kitchen. She didn’t stop to help, but continued on to the washroom. She had insisted this morning before they left home that she would not stay for lunch. But to leave early she needed her own buggy. Mamm had objected at first, but Lydia had calmly harnessed Timber in the barn by herself. Daett had stayed out of sight, while Emma and Rhoda giggled behind their hands at the fuss. Mamm had said nothing more about the matter.

  Lydia paused as a step came up behind her in the washroom. She turned around when Sandra whispered, “Lydia, please stay for lunch. We have to talk, and I can’t come over to your place.”

  Lydia shook her head. “We had best just leave things alone. My heart is much troubled. But you can help me hitch Timber to the buggy.”

  Sandra’s face fell. “I can’t do that. Amos had a very strong warning for us all, and I want to take his words to heart. And you would benefit yourself from what Amos has to say.”

  “Maybe.” Lydia reached for her shawl and pulled it tight around her shoulders. “You can pray for me, Sandra. That’s about all that can help right now.”

  “Oh, Lydia,” Sandra sighed. “I wish we could get together again like we used to.”

  Lydia hesitated. “Sandra, we can never be what we were before. I’m not competing anymore, with you or anyone. My heart has been too torn. I don’t know what will happen to me.”

  Sandra’s smile faded. “Just don’t do something foolish, Lydia. Don’t jump the fence. We’ve already been through too much. You and I were baptized together. We have to make this together.”

  “I want nothing more,” Lydia said. “And I won’t do anything crazy.”

  “Like go out with Rudy? Please tell me you won’t,” Sandra begged as Lydia slipped out of the washroom door.

  “I’ll see you later,” Lydia called over her shoulder. She hurried across the yard and entered the open barn door. Several younger boys were standing nearby, and one of them asked, “Do you need help with your horse?”

  “No, but thanks,” Lydia said, attempting to smile.

  The boy nodded and returned her smile. She found Timber in his stall and slipped on the horse’s bridle. A soft man’s voice stopped Lydia cold. “I thought perhaps I could help.”

  Lydia spun around. It was Harvey Miller.

  “I couldn’t help but notice you leaving early.” Harvey’s words were gentle. “I…ah…I’m sorry about your daett. Can I take Timber for you?”

  Lydia let go of the bridle as Harvey reached out. He hadn’t waited for an answer, but simply stepped in to do what needed doing. Lydia’s gaze lingered on Harvey as she followed him outside. He was thin. His pants hung heavy on him, and his beard blew over his shoulder when a gust of wind rushed through the barn door.

  Harvey didn’t look back as he led Timber to Lydia’s buggy. He seemed to know where she had parked, and he had known her horse’s name. Lydia hurried ahead and held the shafts up for him. Harvey didn’t look at her as she helped him hitch Timber to the buggy. But Harvey had a ghost of a smile on his face when he handed Lydia the lines. “I hope you can stay next Sunday for the meal,” he said, then stepped back from the buggy.

  Lydia hesitated. Was that all the man wished to say? Surely he had more, but Harvey just stood there with a hint of a smile on his face.

  “Thank you,” she said with a nod, then called to Timber to “Get up.”

  Harvey was either a strange man or still quite grief-stricken, Lydia decided. And what would she have said if Harvey had asked for a date? She had no idea. And that troubled her. What had happened to her in these past few months? Had the loss of Ezra cut so deeply that she no longer cared about anything or anyone? If that was true, this was an awful state to be in.

  Lydia shivered and hung on tightly to Timber’s reins as he plodded along in his usual fashion. Lydia jiggled the reins, but Timber paid her no mind at all. She settled back into the buggy seat and let the tears flow freely.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Timber shook his head in objection as Lydia turned to the west at Rensselaer Falls instead of north toward the Troyer home on Madrid Road. The house would be empty and she wasn’t ready to go home. The solution was a visit to see Rosemary. Why shouldn’t it be? Rosemary was ill and a good friend.

  Lydia jiggled the reins, and Timber soon settled back into his steady pace.

  Rosemary’s younger sister Ann also hadn’t been at the service today. Ann must have stayed home with Rosemary. Hopefully that didn’t mean Rosemary was too ill to have visitors. If so, she would leave at once. The last thing Lydia wanted was to cast a greater burden on Rosemary’s shoulders. The load of sickness was already too much to carry. It didn’t seem possible that Rosemary had fallen so seriously ill, but if Lydia had learned anything of late, it was to expect the unexpected.

  Certainly Rosemary was learning that too. How could the joy Rosemary had found with Ezra be so cruelly ripped from her grasp? It seemed harsh of the Lord to allow such a thing. But if that did happen, Daett’s humiliation today was a small matter compared to the pain Rosemary was facing. Perhaps that’s why Lydia wanted to visit this afternoon. She might not be much comfort to Rosemary, but she could try. She held no grudge against Rosemary for having won where she and Sandra had lost. Rosemary deserved Ezra if she could win his affections.

  A mile later Lydia pulled on the reins and turned into the Beilers’ driveway. She parked the buggy by the barn and climbed down to tie Timber to the hitching post, then she made her way up the sidewalk.

  “Is Rosemary up for a visit?” Lydia asked when Ann opened the door at her knock.

  “Oh, yah.” Ann smiled and stepped back. “Rosemary is up in her room. Mamm wanted to fix a bed down here where Rosemary could be around the family, but she’d have no peace and quiet.”

  “How is Rosemary doing?”

  Ann shrugged and led the way toward the stairs. “They don’t tell me much, and I suppose no one really knows, but I’ve never seen Rosemary down like this. She hasn’t worked around the house since they came home from the doctor’s office last week.”

  “Then it must be bad,” Lydia agreed. She followed Ann as they tiptoed up the stairs.

  Ann knocked on the bedroom door and waited until Rosemary called out, “Come in.”

  Ann opened the door. Rosemary was propped up on the bed with pillows and held a book in her hand. She looked up and exclaimed, “Lydia! You came up the stairs so quietly I didn’t know anyone was around but Ann.” Rosemary struggled to swing her legs over the edge of the bed.

  “No, please,” Lydia protested. “Don’t make yourself uncomfortable.”

  Rosemary tried to laugh. “I’m not this helpless. It just looks so. I can’t work—that’s the worst of it. Every time I’ve tried I get tired in a few minutes, and now Mamm won’t hear of me trying.”

  “I’m going back downstairs,” Ann interrupted. “Call me if you need anything.”

  “Thank you for staying home today,” Rosemary called after Ann. “I’m so unworthy of all this kindness.”

  “You just get better and I’ll be happy.” Ann lingered by the bedroom door for a moment before she retreated down the stairs.

  “Sit,” Rosemary ordered, and motioned toward the only chair in the room.

  Lydia sat down and clasped her hands in front of her. Rosemary was a little thinner than the last time she had seen her, but otherwise she seemed as normal as ever. Lydia cleared her throat and said, “I’m so very sorry to hear about all this. Everyone is. We’re all praying for you.”

  “Thanks,” Rosemary said with a solemn face. “It’s the Lord’s will, and who are we to argue with Him?”

  Lydia unclasped her hands. “Surely there must be treatments for you. The Englisha doctors always have them.”

  Rosemary looked away. “None that I want to take a chance on. They would leave the family in terrible debt.”

  “But the community…” Lydia protested.

  Rosemary shrugged. “The treatments will do no goot. I can feel it in my bones f
or sure.”

  “But you don’t know before you try,” Lydia pressed on. “Do your mamm and daett agree with this plan of taking no treatment?”

  “Mamm will be back to see Dr. Katz this week, but I’m sure there won’t be much that can be done. But I do have Ezra.” A thin smile spread over Rosemary’s face. “He comes over every other evening or so. I think the Lord gave him to me for this time of trouble. Nothing else makes any sense. Why else would Ezra ever have paid me any attention?”

  Lydia leaned forward to take Rosemary’s hand. “Ezra loves you. That’s why. You must not say these things in your dark hour. And I rejoice that you have Ezra’s love.” Lydia forced a smile. “Clyde is taking Sandra home next Sunday evening. And you’re going to get better, and live to have many kinner with Ezra. You must not give up, even when the road is hard.”

  The faint smile flitted on Rosemary’s face again. “Thank you for your kind words, Lydia. But life feels pretty dim to me right now. Never have I been this weak for this long and not been able to work. It feels as if the lights are going out in my life. Only Ezra’s love comforts me. I get on my knees every night and thank the Lord for Ezra, but before long I won’t even be able to get out of bed for my prayers. I guess I’ll whisper them to the ceiling, which I suppose the Lord understands.”

  “I’m sure He does.”

  “How are you doing?” Rosemary asked.

  Lydia gave a little sigh. “Troubles and trials, but I won’t weary you with them.”

  “They’re not a weariness to me,” Rosemary said. “You’ve always been my friend, you and Sandra. Even when I stole Ezra from the two of you.”

  “We were too astonished to complain,” Lydia joked.

  Rosemary laughed, then sobered. “When I came home from Dr. Katz’s office and passed out up here, I awoke up to see Ezra leaning over me. He lifted me in his arms, Lydia. I floated almost up to the heavens, or so it seemed. He was so strong and handsome, and I thought the Lord had taken me up Himself. How I love the man, as I have never loved anyone. Do you think that was my sin, Lydia? Did I love Ezra more than the Lord?”