A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “You have not sinned,” Lydia said softly. “You must not say so, Rosemary. We were made as women to lose ourselves in the love of a man. There’s no sin in that. Your love for Ezra may well be what carries you through this dark time to a healing. Do not doubt what the Lord has given.”

  Rosemary smiled again. “Your words are too kind, Lydia, and I’m thankful for what the Lord has given. I believe He wanted me to know what His own arms would feel like when He carries me over the river. Why else would I get to lie in Ezra’s arms when I haven’t said the wedding vows with him?” A shadow crossed Rosemary’s face. “But I’ll never get to see him with his beard once he’s wed. He’ll be so handsome, Lydia.” Rosemary wiped away the tears. “But I must be happy with what I have been given. It’s already more than I’m worthy of.”

  Lydia squeezed Rosemary’s hand and waited for a moment before she could speak. “I don’t know what to say, Rosemary. You are a saint, but you must not give up. We need you in the community. We really do. I don’t want to lose you.”

  “That’s what Ezra says.” Rosemary brightened again. “You speak the things I need to hear, but we must leave it all in the Lord’s hands.” Rosemary laid her head back on the pillow, her face pale.

  “I’m going to leave now.” Lydia got to her feet. “I don’t want to weary you.”

  “Thanks for coming. You’re such a joy,” Rosemary said. “You’ve always been—you and Sandra. But I do think I must sleep.”

  Lydia nodded and retreated out of the bedroom, closing the door softly behind her to tiptoe down the stairs.

  Ann met Lydia at the kitchen doorway with a sandwich in her hand. “I’ve made you something to eat.”

  “You didn’t have to do that,” Lydia said, taking the sandwich. “But thank you.”

  “Rosemary treasures your friendship,” Ann said. “Thank you for being here for her.”

  Ann held open the front door and was still standing there when Lydia had Timber untied and turned around in the driveway.

  A great sorrow swept over Lydia on the drive home. In spite of Rosemary’s brave words, the woman was very ill. Lydia wasn’t a doctor, but the matter was plain enough to see. If something wasn’t done, Rosemary wouldn’t last long—unless Ezra’s love could pull Rosemary through. Lydia hoped with all her heart that Ezra would accomplish the task. Rosemary would make an outstanding frau for Ezra. He deserved all the love and adoration Rosemary could give him.

  Lydia pulled the reins to the right and turned Timber into their driveway. Mamm and Daett’s buggy wasn’t in the barnyard, so they were still at church. Maybe Daett had received more comfort from the other men than she expected he would. Why else would Daett have stayed? Lydia’s breath came sharply when she caught sight of an Englisha automobile behind the barn. Rudy’s car. She would have recognized it anywhere. She had feared this moment, and now it had arrived.

  Lydia parked beside the barn and unhitched Timber. As she led Timber to the barn, the car door opened and Rudy climbed out. Lydia waved to him but didn’t stop walking. She would rather speak with Rudy inside the barn than outside, where anyone who passed by on the road could see them. And Rudy would have to leave before Daett came home, that was for sure.

  Lydia had the stall door closed when Rudy’s light step came up behind her. He greeted her with, “Lydia, I’ve been waiting for you.”

  “You can’t stay long,” Lydia said. “Daett can no longer have any of Emma and Rhoda’s friends here.”

  “But I’m your friend.” Rudy reached out to touch her arm. “Am I not?”

  Lydia dropped her gaze. “All the more reason to leave quickly.”

  “What’s wrong?” Rudy asked. “You seem troubled.”

  Lydia looked up at him. “I just came from visiting a friend who’s quite ill. Now isn’t a good time for you and me to speak.”

  Rudy sobered. “I’m sorry to hear that. Will she be well soon?”

  “It’s in the Lord’s hands,” Lydia said. “It doesn’t look good.”

  Rudy persisted. “We need to talk. About you and me.”

  “Rudy, you know I have feelings for you. You are a temptation to me…but that’s all you can ever be. Can’t you see that? What we had was in the past.”

  Rudy’s gaze bore into her. His hands reached for hers and he pulled her close. “Is this in the past?” He gave her a gentle kiss and whispered in her ear, “Have you forgotten how good we were together? I was young and foolish back then, and I thought the world was full of girls like you. But I was very wrong, Lydia. There’s only you.”

  Lydia pulled away. “No, Rudy. We can’t.” Her head was swimming from the kiss.

  “But Lydia,” he insisted, “nothing has changed. That’s what I’m trying to show you.”

  Lydia took a breath. “Rudy, please. You have to go. Everything has changed. Everything!”

  “Lydia, I said I’d wait, and I still will.” Rudy touched her face with his hand. “I’ll go, but I’ll be back. I’m not giving up on us.”

  With that, Rudy turned and disappeared. Lydia waited until his car had left the driveway before she splashed her flaming cheeks with cold water from the horse’s trough.

  Before she could reach the house, Mamm and Daett’s buggy came down the lane. Lydia hurried on. Daett could unhitch the horse by himself. She wanted to wash her face once more before anyone saw her. Now that Daett had repented, she couldn’t let him know Rudy had been anywhere near the farm. And if Deacon Schrock found out she had seen Rudy again, even involuntarily, his prescribed grace period for her would end at once. Of that she was certain.

  Chapter Thirty

  The following Sunday Clyde pulled his horse to a stop beside the barn on Johnson Road, where Sandra and Mark now lived. Sandra pushed open the buggy door and gingerly lowered herself to the ground. The cast had come off over two weeks ago, but she still had to take precautions and not overdo herself.

  Tonight had been her first date with Clyde—a drive home from the hymn singing. And so far, to Sandra’s amazement, it had gone well—with no uncomfortable moments or awkward silences between them.

  Clyde tied his horse to the ring on the barn and teased, “I see you still know how to get down from a buggy unassisted.”

  Sandra gave him a glare. “I didn’t forget everything while I was stuck in my cast.”

  Clyde came around the buggy to take Sandra’s arm. “Still, I’m sure this isn’t easy. Now come. Shall I walk you to the house?”

  “In case I stumble and fall?” Sandra looked up at him.

  Clyde didn’t answer, but he grinned. She actually enjoyed his light banter, Sandra thought to herself as they walked toward the house. Was this the charm Amos had used to capture Mamm’s heart? If so, she could see why Mamm had fallen for the man.

  Sandra opened the front door, and Clyde waited while she lit the gas lantern. “Still looks the same,” Clyde quipped, once light flooded the living room.

  “What did you expect?” she teased back. “That I would remodel the house to entertain you?”

  They laughed together, until Clyde took Sandra’s hand. “Sandra, I want to say I’m honored to be here, I really am. At times, I thought this day would never come.”

  Sandra lowered her head. “Now you’re making me nervous. Sit on the couch while I get some donuts and milk from the kitchen. You must be hungry.”

  “My hunger flees far away when I’m with you,” Clyde said.

  Sandra ignored Clyde and hurried into the kitchen, where she lit the kerosene lamp. She took the donuts from the cupboard and put several on a plate. Sandra balanced the plate and two glasses of milk on a tray and returned to the living room.

  Clyde looked up with a gleam in his eyes. “What a treat! Now I do think I’m hungry.”

  “Men are always hungry,” Sandra reminded him.

  Clyde still had a smile on his face when the front door opened and Mark came in with his girlfriend Marie. Sandra jumped to her feet. “Oh, I forgot that you two were comi
ng! I was so caught up in the evening. How stupid of me! Clyde and I can go upstairs so the two of you can have the living room. There are still plenty of donuts in the kitchen.”

  “Whoa,” Mark said. “Not so fast. I’m fine with going upstairs.”

  “No, you’re not.” Sandra stood her ground. “You’re already going out of your way to help me, Mark. I can entertain Clyde in my room. Marie will be more comfortable in the living room of a strange house.”

  Clyde spoke up. “Do I have any say in this?”

  “No, you don’t.” Sandra tugged on his hand and motioned with the other. “Grab the plate and I’ll bring the kerosene lamp from the kitchen. There’s another one in the washroom you can use, Mark.” She hurried Clyde up the stairs. “I’m sorry for not mentioning anything on the way home about Mark and Marie, but I forgot.”

  “It’s okay,” Clyde answered.

  “Thanks for understanding.” Sandra opened the bedroom door. “There. We’ll have to make do with my room, I’m afraid.”

  “I’m being given a smaller and smaller place in the house as the evening progresses, I see,” Clyde teased.

  Sandra ignored him and placed the lamp on the dresser. She pointed toward the chair. “You can sit there. I’ll take the bed.”

  Clyde set the plate he had carried beside his chair, then took a donut. “It’s nice up here…but next Sunday night, I’ll take you home to our place.”

  Sandra nodded. Clyde sounded like his daett now, decisive and firm. He hadn’t asked whether she would go home with him again, but Clyde presumed he knew the answer.

  “You should have consulted me or your mamm about tonight,” Clyde continued. “Mark has your best interest in mind, but he doesn’t always think things through. It’s not that I don’t like this—being up here—but if the community found out that we had a practice of dating in your bedroom, that could be just as indecent as being alone in the house together.”

  “I’m sorry,” Sandra said. “I guess I should have asked Mamm, but I didn’t. I was…”

  “It’s okay,” Clyde said with a smile. “We won’t stay up here long. I can’t stay late anyway. Next time we’ll take care of this the proper way. And I must say, I’m glad to see you accept correction so well. That’s important in a frau. I’m also glad to see that you’re heeding Daett’s request to stay away from your cousin Lydia. I know that’s difficult and that Ben made his confession in church, but until his time of proving is over, you should follow Daett’s decision.”

  “I agree,” Sandra said. “I only spoke to Lydia at the service this morning. I couldn’t make it to the youth gathering last week, so I don’t know what happened there.” Sandra tried to sound cheerful. “Did you go ice-skating with the others?”

  Clyde smiled. “I went, and I missed you. But you should try to come whenever possible now that your cast is off. We don’t have too much time together before…” Clyde looked away and let the sentence hang.

  Sandra felt the heat rise up her neck. Apparently a girl blushed even if she wasn’t in love. At least she didn’t feel a stab of fear or panic. Yah, Clyde was bossy like his daett, but he also had a gentle side.

  “You will see more of me after tonight, won’t you?” Clyde asked. He stood up to pace the floor.

  Sandra nodded. “If you wish.”

  “I wish it very much,” Clyde answered. He stopped pacing to sit down again. “I have admired you ever since we moved here, Sandra. Even before Daett asked your mamm to marry him, I prayed that the Lord would open your heart to me, as mine had been opened to you.”

  “You did?” Sandra’s voice croaked.

  Clyde remained sober-faced. “I know that dreams sometimes are of our own doing, so I wasn’t sure if my heart had strayed, or if this was from the Lord. But I knew I had feelings for you, Sandra. The Lord has since seen fit to bless those feelings. All signs point in that direction. The biggest one is the change in your heart. You have allowed me to bring you home.”

  “Yah,” Sandra admitted, looking downward.

  “You will wed me, then?” Clyde asked. He reached over to lift Sandra’s chin with his hand.

  Sandra met his gaze. With only a moment’s hesitation, she said, “I will if you wish it so.”

  His fingers tightened for a moment. “You know I do.” Clyde stood to pace the floor again. “If you agree, I want the wedding date set quickly. Perhaps you could speak to your mamm and see how soon it can happen.”

  “Before the next wedding season?” Sandra’s voice squeaked.

  His smile was kind. “Surely you don’t expect us to wait all that time?”

  Sandra gathered herself together. “I guess, not really. I mean, yah, I agree, but it is kind of sudden.”

  His eyes met hers. “We’re in extraordinary circumstances, and the community will understand.” He came closer and sat in the chair in front of her.

  Sandra reached out to take his hands in hers. “I have to be honest. I don’t think I love you yet, Clyde. But I can live with that, if you can. Love will come when the Lord grants it, just as it did for Mamm. I only ask that you love me, and that you lead our home in the ways of the Lord. I don’t have any desire to follow my cousin Lydia in her flirtations with the world.”

  Clyde’s eyes moistened. “What can I say, Sandra? You are…”

  “Don’t say anything,” Sandra whispered. “It’s goot enough the way it is.”

  His hand reached over to play with a strand of her hair that hung loose from under her kapp. “You’re an angel, Sandra. You must have come straight from heaven to walk with me in this world. How can I ever say I love you often enough?”

  “You just need to take it slowly,” she said. “My heart needs time to catch up.”

  Clyde’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he said, “Yah, of course. I will always love you, Sandra. You can rest assured of that.”

  “And I will be the best frau I can be,” Sandra said through moist eyes. “But you must also understand me.”

  A smile played on his face and he stood to his feet again. “That’s fair enough.”

  Sandra dropped her head to say, “Thank you for being so kind, Clyde. There already must be a seed of love for you in my heart, or I wouldn’t have agreed to marry you.”

  Clyde’s face glowed. “You must have learned this wisdom during your time of trouble.”

  Sandra hesitated. “You could say that I fell and broke my foot so the Lord could get my attention away from Ezra—and onto you.”

  Clyde laughed and the sound filled the room. “I would not be so bold, but perhaps the Lord was kind and helped me out a little. Sandra, thank you for accepting my request for marriage tonight. You will be a better frau than I deserve…but you know I will still expect obedience on your part.”

  “You would have to say that at this moment,” Sandra said. “It’s not very romantic, you know.”

  Clyde chuckled. “That’s why I’m saying it. It’s an important part of marriage.”

  “So is romance,” Sandra shot back.

  Clyde laughed again. “There will be plenty of that! And yah, you will have to get used to some of my ways…my bossy ways, I suppose.”

  Sandra grinned. Yah, that much about marriage to an Amish man she knew. He wasn’t that different from other Amish men, but then again, wasn’t that what she wanted?

  Clyde reached over for Sandra’s hand. “Let me assure you that if there is any failure in our marriage it will be on my part. I ask your forgiveness ahead of time. In fact, I know you’re already overlooking many of my faults. And I know I’m unworthy of such love.”

  With that, Clyde rose to his feet and said, “I think I had best be going.”

  He took Sandra’s hand to lead the way down the stairs. At the last moment, before they stepped into the living room, Clyde let go—but not without one final gentle squeeze.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Sandra pulled on her thick winter coat before she ventured out into the late afternoon snow squall. Mark had hitc
hed Dixie to the buggy earlier, and the horse was patiently waiting for her at the hitching rack. Sandra patted him on the nose and pulled off his blanket. She climbed in the buggy to drive out of the lane. Along the road’s ditches, snowdrifts formed and shifted with each blast of the wind. Surely the squall would end soon, Sandra hoped. January could bring bitter blasts of weather in upstate New York, but so far the winter had been mild. This must be the blessing of the Lord. How could she organize her wedding in the middle of a blizzard?

  Clyde had asked on Sunday evening, “Have you and your mamm decided on a date yet?”

  “We’re working on it,” Sandra had assured him. She teasingly had added, “You’re not buying the farm until spring, are you?”

  Clyde had grinned. He was impatient, but in the end he understood. They needed time to enjoy each other’s company and become better acquainted before the wedding. An engagement on the first date was unusual, but she didn’t have any regrets. The community would understand the short courtship. She could tell when Deacon Schrock shook hands with her at the last Sunday service that he was thankful Amos and Clyde had saved her side of the Troyer family from the trouble Lydia and her parents were in.

  Sandra’s face clouded. She hadn’t spoken with Lydia or Aunt Mary since before Christmas. Lydia, being the sensible person she usually was, hadn’t pushed the matter in their brief greetings at the meetings. Why Lydia couldn’t see the truth about Rudy was beyond her. But Lydia appeared withdrawn and preoccupied when she showed up for the community gatherings, so apparently Lydia still hadn’t made up her mind. Surely her cousin wouldn’t allow this situation to continue for long. Everyone knew something was wrong, and the whispers abounded.

  “She might be ill like Rosemary but doesn’t know it yet,” someone guessed this past Sunday.