A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “No, it’s something else,” another girl ventured.

  Sandra kept her mouth shut. Before long everyone would know. She knew what was wrong, and so did some of the other women. Those were the ones who said the least. They knew that with her head, Lydia was committed to the community…but with her heart, she continually brooded over the possibility of a life with Rudy. A jump over the fence into his arms seemed more and more a possibility.

  Sandra shivered. How could Lydia do such a thing? How had they drifted so far apart? Lydia had always done everything with her. They had shared their school years, their rumspringa time, and had been baptized together. The pursuit of Ezra had been the last thing they had done together. And they had both lost him. That should have drawn them together, but it hadn’t. I must pray for Lydia, Sandra decided. Lydia must be saved from an awful mistake. Lydia couldn’t leave the community and be placed in the bann. If Lydia jumped the fence, it would be a tragedy no one could begin to comprehend.

  Sandra held onto the reins as the wind picked up and the buggy leaned sideways. Surely this buggy ride wasn’t a mistake, was it? Maybe she should have waited to ride with Mark. He would arrive later to the supper Mamm had invited them to. But Sandra had wanted to visit Rosemary, and this had seemed like the right time. She had best see Rosemary soon. From the sound of the report Ann gave her at the last Sunday meeting, Rosemary wouldn’t live much longer on this earth.

  Sandra let out the reins so Dixie could increase his speed. The horse shook her head when another blast of snow blew over them. They were almost to Rosemary’s place now, so Sandra couldn’t turn even if she wanted to. She pulled the buggy blanket higher over her knees. The warmth crept over her, but Sandra still shivered. That Rosemary was so ill still seemed impossible to imagine. How quickly it had all happened. As had all the tragedies of the recent months—Daett and Uncle Ben falling suddenly into financial ruin, then Daett passing unexpectedly. If Amos and Clyde hadn’t shown up when they did, who knows what would have become of Mamm and her. She had been so wrong about Amos and Clyde from the beginning. That showed how much goot sense she had, or rather didn’t have. How quickly things changed.

  Happiness had arrived for her just as suddenly. That didn’t seem fair when Lydia wasn’t happy. How could Sandra look forward to a husband and a farm with kinner in the future, while Lydia contemplated leaving the community? And Rosemary’s situation was even worse. Rosemary might soon lose everything in this world. All while Sandra felt so blessed. Maybe she shouldn’t have come to see Rosemary. What comfort could she be to a person on her deathbed when things were going so well in her own life? Sandra’s hands tightened on the reins for a moment. But no, she would go on. She was Rosemary’s friend, and friends comforted each other whatever the situation.

  A mile later Sandra pulled back on the reins and turned into the Beilers’ driveway on Old State Raod. She stopped at the hitching post and climbed down carefully on the slippery buggy step to tie up Dixie. Sandra retrieved a blanket from under the backseat of the buggy and fastened the blanket securely on Dixie’s back, to protect him from the continual wind blasts. He should be okay for the short visit she planned. Rosemary shouldn’t be kept up too long, even for a visit with an old friend.

  Sandra made her way slowly up the icy walk and knocked on the door. Ann answered a moment later, an apron tied around her waist. “What a surprise, Sandra! How nice of you to come.” Several of the smaller children behind Ann peered out of the kitchen at their visitor.

  Sandra smiled at them and asked, “So it’s okay to visit Rosemary?”

  “Oh, she would love to see you,” Ann said. “She’s upstairs. Mamm would bring her down so she wouldn’t be by herself so much, but Rosemary insists on staying in her own room.”

  Sandra hesitated. “Is it okay if I just go up?”

  “Yah. Just knock on the door.” Ann waved Sandra on.

  Sandra tousled several of the smaller boys’ heads as she passed them. They grinned and retreated into the kitchen.

  Sandra tiptoed up the stairs and knocked on Rosemary’s bedroom door.

  “Come in,” Rosemary’s weak voice called out.

  Sandra opened the door to find Rosemary under the quilt on the bed. Her face appeared pale and thin.

  “Rosemary!” Sandra cried out. She rushed over to kneel in front of the bed and grasp both of Rosemary’s hands. “This cannot be! You must become well again.”

  Rosemary’s smile was weak. “It’s in the Lord hands, Sandra. He decides these things, and there’s nothing any of us can do. I find peace in the comfort I have been given. Ezra comes over almost every evening now. What a gift the man is. I can’t believe I’ve been given such a love to see me over to the other side.”

  “But Rosemary,” Sandra protested, “is there not something that can be done?”

  Rosemary shook her head. “Dr. Katz has been kind enough to get me into an experimental treatment. I objected, since Daett doesn’t have the money, but Ezra talked me into it. That, and Deacon Schrock came by personally. I think Ezra put him up to it. Deacon Schrock said he spoke with Dr. Katz and they worked out a reduced rate, which the community will help pay. I still don’t like it, but I finish with the final treatment this week.”

  “And there is no difference yet?” Sandra’s hands tightened on Rosemary’s.

  Rosemary winced. “I’m afraid not, but I have to trust it was all for some reason. Perhaps it will give me a few more weeks.”

  “You poor dear.” Sandra stroked Rosemary’s forehead. “I am so very sorry. I wish there was something I could do, but I feel so helpless.”

  “You came to visit.” Rosemary attempted another smile. “And there is something you can do for me.”

  “Oh?” Sandra didn’t hide her surprise.

  Rosemary nodded. “Yah, there is. You will think me crazy, but I’ve prayed about this and I know it’s the right thing to do. Will you agree?”

  “Agree to what?” Sandra asked.

  “I won’t tell you unless you agree first,” Rosemary said, her smile wider and slyer now.

  Sandra hesitated, then said, “I agree.”

  Rosemary’s smile changed to one of gratitude. “Sandra, I want you to encourage Lydia to open her heart to Ezra once I’m gone.”

  “Rosemary!” Sandra scolded. “I will not speak of such a thing.”

  “But you promised—and I insist,” Rosemary said. “I was never a decent match for Ezra to begin with. I’m sure he was given to me only as a comfort on this journey to the other side. And I heard that you have agreed to wed Clyde, so surely you don’t still want Ezra for yourself.”

  Sandra tried to breathe. “Rosemary, please. No, I don’t want Ezra. He chose you, and I will not even think of such a thing as speaking with Lydia about this matter.”

  Rosemary touched Sandra’s arm. “Are you offended by the thought that you didn’t get Ezra?”

  Sandra rushed the words. “No, it’s not that. I’m going to marry Clyde. I wouldn’t think of going back to all that before…and besides, Ezra didn’t want me. It’s just not the will of the Lord—me and Ezra.”

  “So it’s settled, then.” Rosemary was matter-of-fact. “You don’t have an interest in Ezra while Lydia still does. If you encourage her, maybe Lydia can be saved from making an awful mistake.”

  Sandra let out her breath. “So you’ve heard about Rudy?”

  “Yah, Ann told me.” Rosemary tried to sit up. “You will do this for me? Remember, you agreed!”

  “But you’re the one to talk to Lydia about this, not me,” Sandra insisted.

  Rosemary sighed. “I will speak to Ezra, and he will understand. You speak to Lydia.”

  “What bothers me about this,” Sandra went on, “is that you seem to be giving up. But maybe the treatment will work yet. Or maybe they can try something else. You can’t give up!”

  Rosemary lay back on the pillow. “I’m not giving up. But I need to be realistic. Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst. E
ven if the treatment works, it’s probably only a short-term solution. Sandra, I’m tired. Let’s leave it at that. I will speak to Ezra, and you’ll speak to Lydia, okay?”

  Sandra pressed back the tears. “You’re such a dear, Rosemary. I’m still going to pray your life is spared. May the Lord be with you.”

  “He is.” Rosemary tried to sit again, but failed. “He has already comforted me greatly.”

  Sandra squeezed Rosemary’s hand and slipped out of the bedroom. Rosemary had her eyes closed and looked exhausted, so Sandra closed the door quietly and tiptoed down the stairs. What a self-sacrificing girl Rosemary was, but she would not speak to Lydia about Ezra until she knew for sure…she couldn’t bring herself to think the awful thought.

  Sandra stepped out of the stairwell and peeked into the kitchen. Ann was still there with flour dough all over her apron and with several of her smaller siblings gathered about. They seemed more interested in sneaking small bits of crumbs than in any help they could give.

  “I’m going now,” Sandra whispered.

  Ann glanced up with a smile. “Thanks for coming. Mamm’s in town right now, but she’ll be back soon. I’ll tell her you were here.”

  “Behave yourselves, now.” Sandra wagged her finger at the little fellows on the chairs.

  They grinned but said nothing.

  Once outside, Sandra pulled the buggy blanket off Dixie’s back and turned him around before she climbed in. The snow still had not let up. She had been too distracted to notice at first. The sight of Rosemary sick in bed gripped her. How shamed she should be for her own selfishness. Even in her illness Rosemary spent time in thanksgiving for what life had given her, and in considering the wellbeing of others. What a lesson Rosemary was for Sandra. Thankfully she had done one thing right, by choosing what the Lord had given her in Clyde. That had been a big step in the right direction. Maybe that was why the Lord placed people like Rosemary on this earth, so they could leave behind a godly example for others to follow.

  Sandra rubbed her hand across her cheek as the wind whipped through the cracks in the buggy door. Stray snowflakes stung her face. She was trying hard to love and accept Clyde, but now she would redouble her efforts. If Rosemary could display such grace in her life while facing a terminal illness, she should get down on her knees and thank the Lord each day for the blessing He was sending her way in Clyde.

  Sandra pulled back on the reins again as she approached Mamm and Amos’s place on Todd Road. She turned in to stop near the barn. She’d better unhitch this time. Dixie would be warmer inside the barn. The extra effort was worth the horse’s comfort. She climbed down the buggy step again as the barn door burst open to reveal Clyde hurrying toward her.

  Clyde greeted Sandra with delight. “You’re early!”

  Sandra, remembering her encounter with Rosemary, smiled at him. “How could I not be early with such a handsome and caring man waiting for me?”

  Clyde glowed with happiness, and Sandra slipped off her glove to brush his cheek. “Thanks for coming out to help me unhitch.”

  “Wow!” Clyde shook his head. “What a welcome!”

  “Just be thankful,” Sandra told him. “That’s the lesson I’ve been learning.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Rosemary sat on the edge of the bed with a glass of water on the chair beside her. Mamm had told her a few moments earlier that Ezra was due to arrive soon.

  Ezra hadn’t been over since Sunday afternoon. A great longing to see him had gripped her since yesterday. She wanted to hold his hand again. She wanted to feel the strength in his fingers. Ezra was strong where she was weak. Ezra exuded health and vigor as her body gave out more and more each day.

  I must not give in to dark thoughts about my increasing weakness, Rosemary reminded herself. She had felt better this past week, and tonight she could sit up. Maybe the experimental medicine had begun to work. Was there hope after all? Rosemary pushed the thought away. She must prepare for the worst, and her talk with Sandra last week had been the first step. Now she must encourage Ezra to pursue a relationship with Lydia if she was taken in death. She should have brought up the subject with Ezra on Sunday, but weariness had overtaken her. And she couldn’t bring herself to say the words while Ezra had been sitting so close to her. What if she really did become well? What if they could go on?

  The thought made Rosemary dizzy, and she lay down again. Would she be Ezra’s frau someday? It seemed so impossible after the ravages the disease had caused in her body, but hope knocked on the door. She couldn’t deny the fact. Soon Ezra would come through the door and notice that she looked much better—because she did. Both Mamm and Ann had said so today.

  Manly footsteps came up the stairs, and Rosemary sat up again. Ezra only knocked once and came in before she said anything.

  “Rosemary?” he said, coming to a stop a foot away. He appeared to study her.

  Do I look better? The words wanted to leap from her lips, as she gazed up at him.

  “You’re looking goot,” Ezra finally said, hope in his voice. “And you’re sitting up.”

  Rosemary reached for his hand and held it while Ezra sat down beside her. “I was hoping you’d say so,” she whispered. “Mamm and Ann said the same thing.”

  A smile formed on Ezra’s face. “You are much better.” Ezra’s arm slipped around Rosemary’s shoulder.

  Rosemary leaned against him. “Do you really think so? Oh, I hope so!”

  “The Lord does work miracles,” Ezra assured her. “We must not doubt that. We must think happy thoughts of the future.” Ezra held both of Rosemary’s hands. “We must speak of the day you are well and all this sickness is driven from your body. And pray, of course, that the Lord will continue to use the medicine to accomplish His will.”

  “His will, then, is that I get well?” Rosemary clung to him. “Can I hope for such a thing?”

  Ezra’s face grew solemn. “We must follow the signs the Lord gives, and if you are feeling better, then perhaps this is His will. But that’s up to the Lord. It’s not our best thinking that He listens to, but to His own wisdom.”

  “But I will believe.” Rosemary gathered her strength to sit up further. “I will allow hope to live.”

  Ezra brushed Rosemary’s face with his fingers. “I will also cling to hope with all my heart. We will always love each other.”

  Tears stung Rosemary’s eyes. “You know I will always be yours while there is breath in my body, even though I’m so unworthy of you. Yet you have been given to me by the Lord.”

  “Hush now,” Ezra scolded. “Don’t talk like—” Ezra stopped when a knock came on the door.

  Mamm opened the door to look in. “Anyone hungry?”

  Rosemary didn’t hesitate. “I’d like to go downstairs for supper. It would do me goot.”

  Alarm filled Mamm’s face. “But should you? It might do you harm now that there is some improvement.”

  “But I’m getting better.” Rosemary’s face glowed. “Take me downstairs please, Mamm, even if I have to sit on the couch with a plate in front of me.”

  “Should we?” Mamm directed her question to Ezra.

  Ezra thought for a moment. “If she wishes, we should.”

  “Then let’s go.” Mamm came over to stand on one side of Rosemary. “I’ll support one arm, and we’ll see how it goes.”

  Rosemary steadied herself on the bedpost with one hand, and reached for Mamm’s arm with the other. She pushed upward and tottered to her feet. The room moved in circles before her eyes, but soon settled down. “Take my other hand,” Rosemary whispered to Ezra.

  With slow steps the three made their way down the stairs.

  “She is stronger, isn’t she?” Mamm’s voice was tinged with hope.

  “Yah, she is,” Ezra said. “But we must continue to pray.”

  Once in the living room Rosemary settled onto the couch slowly. She sat still and took deep breaths with a smile on her face.

  Mamm peered down at her. “A
re you okay?”

  “I’m so happy,” Rosemary told her, “And oh, Ezra, you’re here to enjoy this victory with me.”

  “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” he replied, sitting down beside her. “I’ll stay for supper, and we can eat together.”

  Mamm hurried off, but quickly returned with a small quilt in her hand. She wrapped it around Rosemary’s thin shoulders. “I wouldn’t want you catching a chill right when you’re showing the first signs of improvement.”

  “I’ll be okay,” Rosemary assured her, but the warmth of the quilt did feel goot. Rosemary pulled it tight around herself.

  Ezra stroked Rosemary’s arm. “The day you walk again by yourself will be a day of great joy for all of us. It can’t come too soon for me.”

  “Oh, Ezra.” Rosemary leaned against him again. “It’s so goot that you’re here tonight.”

  “Okay, lovebirds, that’s enough,” Ann scolded from the kitchen doorway. She held two plates in her hands. “Now, aren’t you two special, eating in the living room.”

  “Every moment I spend with Rosemary is special,” Ezra said.

  Ann laughed. “Okay, I’ve heard enough sweet talk. I’m gone.” Ann set down the plates and hurried off again.

  “I don’t think she likes me,” Ezra teased.

  Rosemary pressed back the tears as Ezra reached for her plate. She had so much happiness inside of her right now. Was this the turning point of her sickness, or had the Lord given her a respite to enjoy Ezra for an evening? Right now, she didn’t want to think of the answer. It was enough that Ezra was close and that he loved her.

  “Eat,” Ezra said, holding out a spoonful of food.

  Rosemary looked up at him. “You would feed me like a bobbli?”

  “Hush,” Ezra ordered. “Yah, because I love you.”

  Rosemary said nothing. This was simply too wunderbah to endure for long. She opened her mouth and Ezra placed the spoonful of soup inside. The coolness of the steel brushed her lips, and his fingers touched the edge of her chin.

  “Does it taste better this way?” Ezra teased.