A Heart Once Broken

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Everything tastes better when you’re here.” Rosemary pressed back the tears.

  “See, you’re even getting your hunger back,” Ezra encouraged.

  She wasn’t going to argue with him, and he was right on that point. She must keep her spirits up. After Ezra left tonight there would be plenty of time to cry. She needed to drink in every moment the Lord gave her with this wunderbah man.

  “Are you drifting off to sleep?” Ezra teased again.

  “Just like a bobbli,” Rosemary said. They laughed softly together.

  Ezra continued to feed her for several minutes until Ann reappeared. “Ready for dessert?”

  Ezra grinned. “Yah. Let’s try some.”

  “I’ll be right back,” Ann said.

  When she returned a minute later, she was carrying two slices of apple pie heaped with scoops of homemade pecan ice cream.

  Rosemary stared and exclaimed. “You made this special for tonight!”

  Ann nodded, sober-faced. “We weren’t sure, but we took a chance you’d be up for dessert tonight.”

  “Oh, Ann, thank you.” Rosemary leaned forward to give her sister a hug.

  “Anything is worth making you happy,” Ann whispered. She wiped her eyes and fled back to the kitchen.

  Even Ezra’s eyes seemed to get a bit misty. “This is a very happy evening,” he said.

  Rosemary didn’t respond as she took the first bite of ice cream. The cool sweetness melted in her mouth, and the taste tingled all through her body. She was touched that her family had made pecan ice cream especially for her. Maybe she was on her way to better health. But a deep weariness had already crept over her body. She would hang on until she had eaten all of the ice cream. She must not allow the illness to steal these last moments of the evening from her. Not with Ezra by her side.

  “Like it?” Ezra glanced at her.

  “Nothing tastes like homemade pecan ice cream,” Rosemary said with great content.

  “We must have this every time I’m here.” Ezra squeezed Rosemary’s arm with his free hand.

  “Homemade pecan ice cream and you…” Rosemary let the words hang in the air. Ezra understood. His arm slipped around her and pulled her close. She wished Ezra could carry her upstairs, holding her in his arms as he had that night she passed out by the window—but that wouldn’t be decent. She must be thankful for what had been given to her.

  “This is great ice cream,” Ezra pronounced. “I could eat another bowl if it was goot for me.”

  “Ann will get you more,” Rosemary offered.

  “Thanks, but I’d better not,” he said. “Too much of a goot thing isn’t right.”

  Rosemary took a deep breath. There was her answer. The Lord provided direction even before she asked. She didn’t like the answer, but Ezra was right. If he carried her upstairs in his arms, that would be too much of a goot thing for one evening. But surely the Lord would allow her the joy of lying in Ezra’s arms again before she left this earth. If she lived and wed Ezra, there would be plenty of those moments, but…

  “Should you go back upstairs now?” Ezra asked. “You look…”

  A small bite of mostly melted ice cream remained in her bowl, and Rosemary slipped it into her mouth before she answered. “I’m ready if Mamm will help you.”

  “I’ll call her.” Ezra rose to his feet.

  Mamm appeared at once, and they maneuvered Rosemary up the stairs and into her bed. With a sigh she looked up at both of them. “Thank you so much, and Ezra especially. This has been a very wunderbah evening.”

  Ezra reached down to take her hand. “All I can say, Rosemary, is let there be many more.”

  Mamm averted her face and hurried from the room without a backward glance.

  “Hold me, Ezra, for just a little bit,” Rosemary whispered.

  Ezra knelt down in front of her and wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her close and whispered in Rosemary’s ear. “Get better, dear. I’ll be praying for you.”

  “Thank you,” Rosemary whispered back. “I’ll try.”

  Ezra held on for a long time before he let go. Then he caressed Rosemary’s pale cheek. “I love you, darling. Good night.”

  “Good night.” She held on to his hand until he was out of reach, and listened to Ezra’s footsteps on the stairs until they faded away.

  “Thank You, Lord, for this evening,” Rosemary whispered toward the darkened window. “You have been so good to me.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  The following week Lydia was sitting on the living room couch with Mamm beside her and Daett ensconced in his rocker. She squirmed under the steady gaze of Deacon Schrock. She had known this moment would arrive, but she had pushed the dread into the recesses of her mind. No doubt if she had been able to return Harvey Miller’s affections when he offered to help her the other Sunday, this wouldn’t be happening. She hadn’t been unkind to Harvey, but Harvey had understood. She wouldn’t have accepted his offer to drive her home even if he had asked. And so now, in Deacon Schrock’s world, she was to blame for rejecting Harvey’s overtures.

  Deacon Schrock cleared his throat. “This is a most uncomfortable thing to speak of, Lydia. We as the ministry don’t choose life partners for our members, but we do have evidence that the ministry possesses considerable wisdom in these matters. Your cousin Sandra and your Aunt Edna are certainly proof of that. Edna is happily married after the ministry suggested she accept Amos’s offer, and Sandra has come into a wunderbah love of her own after following our advice. Do you think you’re better than either your aunt and cousin?”

  “Of course not!” Lydia exclaimed. “But don’t you think a man and a woman should feel love for each other before they think of marriage?”

  Deacon Schrock offered a thin smile. “I’m not sure what you mean, Lydia, but if this has anything to do with that Englisha man, you know what my answer will be. Yet I’ll try to be patient and talk this through with you.”

  Lydia groaned under her breath. Why did she even try to argue with Deacon Schrock?

  “I don’t love Harvey Miller,” she said. “Nor does he love me. Is that plain enough?”

  Mamm jumped into the conversation. “But love for him can grow! It has happened before, and like Deacon Schrock said, both Edna and Sandra are goot examples.”

  “Well, I guess I don’t have the faith it will happen,” Lydia said. “Can’t you understand that? I am not like Sandra or Aunt Edna. And neither is Harvey like them. Why do you insist on pushing us together?”

  Mamm spoke up again. “But the deacon is right. This worked for both Sandra and Edna, and I know that Edna was in love with Emil while he lived on this earth. Her love for Amos came later…but it did come.”

  Lydia sighed. There was no use, so she might as well be silent. If she promised never to see Rudy again, they might leave her in peace, but it was clear Deacon Schrock didn’t trust her, and Daett was still in his proving time with the community. The deacon must have serious doubts about this family and feel he needed solid evidence and not just promises.

  Deacon Schrock stared intently at Lydia. “Please pay attention, Lydia. Listen to your mamm. I know these examples don’t fit you exactly, but it’s still true that you could learn to love Harvey. And he is willing to open his heart to affections for you. He told me so himself.”

  “Perhaps he is,” Lydia allowed. “But I am not.”

  “Lydia!” Mamm moaned. “How can you say that? You know that Rudy isn’t goot for you. The man has thrown his web of deceit around you, and now you can’t see straight.”

  Deacon Schrock dropped his gaze to the living room floor. “None of this comes as a surprise to me. Yet I’m disappointed in you, Lydia, and in you, Ben.” Deacon Schrock paused to give Daett a sharp look. “Why are you still allowing these things to happen on your place? And this after you’ve made a confession in front of the church.”

  “It’s not Daett’s fault,” Lydia said.

  Deacon Schrock shook his head an
d sighed. “I can’t believe things have gotten so out of control in this house. You are a member of the community, Lydia, as are your parents. It is disgraceful behavior to consider an Englisha man as a marriage partner. The church has tried to exercise patience, but this has gone far enough. I am completely ashamed of myself that I’ve been so soft with your family. I’m sure Bishop Henry will share my feelings when I tell him of this. Both of us understand that we are partly to blame for letting our compassion get the best of us, so this has to stop.” Deacon Schrock gave Lydia a sharp look. “Or have you already promised this Englisha man that you will marry him?”

  “No, of course not!” Lydia exclaimed. She then calmed herself for a second. “And I know that I am to blame for this. I want to make that clear.”

  Deacon Schrock shrugged. “All I can say is, this is entirely unacceptable. If you know what is goot for you, you will show some affection to Harvey and allow him to bring you home from the hymn singing when he asks permission. And you will never see this Englisha man again.”

  Mamm reached over to clutch Lydia’s arm. “Please, Lydia. Listen to Deacon Schrock’s advice.”

  “Harvey hasn’t even asked me,” Lydia objected. “And I don’t think he will, even if I promise to return his affections…which I cannot do.”

  Mamm’s fingers dug into Lydia’s arm. “Do what Deacon Schrock says. He knows what’s best. I’m sure Harvey has made his desires known to Deacon Schrock.”

  Lydia faced all of them. “This will not work, and I cannot agree to it. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

  Deacon Schrock stood to his feet, and his words were brisk. “I will not argue with you anymore, Lydia. You are a woman, and it’s time you realize that. Your emotions will not be catered to. I think I can get Harvey to ask you home for a date or two. He has that much interest at least, and you should be thankful the man even considers you as a possible frau in spite of the circumstances your family is in—to say nothing of your own thoughts about Englisha men. That is an abomination, Lydia, and I will have no part in it. We have other things to work on in this community, and our patience has run out. Either you will accept a date with Harvey, or Bishop Henry will speak of the bann with the congregation at the next Sunday service.”

  Lydia held her breath. The bann? For her? She tried one last desperate plea. “What if I promise not to see Rudy again?”

  Deacon Schrock paced the floor. “And you would keep your promise?”

  Lydia hesitated. “Yah, but I must at least tell him good-bye in person and explain why I can’t see him anymore.”

  Deacon Schrock faced her again and thought for a second, then said, “Yah, you can tell your Englisha fellow good-bye sometime this week, and after that you must put your life in order. I’m not saying you have to marry Harvey, but you have to give him six months at least, and open your heart to what the Lord’s will is for the two of you. Either you get in Harvey’s buggy on Sunday evening, or we as a ministry will take further steps.”

  Lydia found nothing more to say. How could she get in Harvey’s buggy on Sunday evening? Harvey didn’t have feelings for her. She was sure of that.

  “Good night to all of you.” Deacon Schrock picked his hat up from the living room floor and went out the front door.

  Daett didn’t make any effort to see him off, which would have been customary. Beside Lydia, Mamm moaned. “The Lord has smitten us mightily. My head will hang in shame among the community people over what my family has become. First, Ben, you have shamed us, and now Lydia.”

  Daett still didn’t say anything, but he got up and left for the barn without a backward glance. As Deacon Schrock’s buggy drove out of the lane, Mamm wept softy and Lydia slipped an arm around her shoulder. What could she say? She was part of the problem. When Mamm didn’t look up or stop her tears, Lydia stood to her feet. She might as well go upstairs and cry herself to sleep. That, and figure out what she must do. She would have to make up her mind about Harvey, and she would have to abandon Rudy.

  Lydia passed the kitchen and glanced in. Both of her sisters were seated at the table. Clearly they had overheard every word spoken in the living room. Emma and Rhoda didn’t appear guilty in the least. They both stood and tiptoed behind Lydia up the stairs. When they reached the top, Emma whispered, “That was awful, Lydia! Absolutely awful! I will never be baptized now. Not if Deacon Schrock can order me around like that, and tell me who to marry.”

  “I agree,” Rhoda echoed.

  “He’s not telling me who to marry,” Lydia objected.

  “I can’t believe you’re defending the man!” Emma exploded.

  “Calm down,” Lydia said. “The two of you were on your way over the fence before this, so don’t blame the deacon. You can blame me and Daett perhaps, but not him. The deacon’s a decent and humble man. When the community’s values come into question, he must be firm.”

  “Firm?” Emma exploded again. “He’s harsh and cruel! That’s more like it!”

  “Don’t say that,” Lydia said.

  “You’re still defending him!” Rhoda exclaimed. “Surely you’re not coming home with that horrible Harvey Miller on Sunday evening?”

  Lydia turned on her sister. “Rhoda, watch your mouth. Harvey’s a kind and gentle man.”

  “We’re telling Rudy everything we heard,” Emma said. “Then maybe he can catch you in town and talk some sense into your head.”

  “Fine,” Lydia said. “Tell Rudy what you will, but also ask him if he wants me to meet him somewhere so I can tell him the true story, rather than your mangled version of it.”

  Lydia didn’t wait for an answer but turned to enter her bedroom. She walked over to the window to look out. She didn’t like Deacon Schrock’s dictates, but breaking her vows wasn’t an option either. She had known for some time that it would come down to this. Yah, she must tell Rudy the truth from her own lips. With a groan, Lydia knelt by the window and looked up into the cloudy heavens for a long time, until peace came.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  On Sunday afternoon, Lydia kept her head down low in the back of the car. Avery Coon had picked her and her sisters up, and together they drove toward Avery’s house, where Lydia was to meet Rudy.

  Lydia had known all along she could never leave the community, not even for Rudy. But her earlier willingness to see Rudy had sent him the wrong message. That was her fault entirely, and now she must undo the damage…if she could.

  Lydia held back the tears as Avery pulled into her parents’ driveway. Lydia was Daett’s daughter at heart—afraid to face things. Daett set out on journeys he couldn’t complete, but she did not want to be like that. Daett had ruined the family’s finances and destroyed their reputation in the community. The least she could do would be to tell Rudy the truth and be done with it.

  “Here we are,” Avery announced. “And Rudy’s already here, I see.”

  Of course, Lydia wanted to say. Rudy was always on time. Rudy was decent and proper and thoughtful. That’s why she had loved him once. Lydia wiped her eyes and opened the car door.

  “Take courage,” Emma whispered in Lydia’s ear as they walked up to the house. “I heard you stand up to Deacon Schrock the other night. You have it in you.”

  Lydia didn’t answer as they made their way up the porch steps. Julie was waiting at the open front door.

  “Where’s Rudy?” Avery asked.

  “In the dining room,” Julie said. “We’re to leave until Rudy calls us on his cell. He wants some privacy with Lydia.”

  Everyone glanced at Lydia, and she lowered her head. “Thanks for bringing me,” Lydia managed before she hurried down the hall, following Julie. Lydia slowed when she saw Rudy waiting for her just beyond the wall. She forced herself to move forward.

  Rudy’s eyes shone when he looked up. “I knew you would come.”

  “Yah, I had to,” Lydia said as she reached out to receive his embrace.

  Rudy held her for a long moment. He let go to take a seat, then motioned to
Lydia with one hand. “Sit. We have to talk.”

  “Yah. And I suspect you already know what I am going to tell you, don’t you?”

  Rudy shrugged. “Well, Emma told me all about your brave stand against that deacon of yours, but…”

  Lydia nodded. “I’m sorry about all of this. If I’ve led you on by seeing you again, I regret that. All along I’ve tried to tell you that I can never be part of your world, even as my own heart betrayed me. I can’t keep trying to convince myself we could somehow live happily ever after. That can never be, Rudy.”

  Rudy didn’t answer at once. He slowly reached over and took both of Lydia’s hands in his. “I had to try, Lydia. And we did once love each other. I guess I hoped against hope there might still be a chance for us. Would you rather I had stayed away?”

  “No,” Lydia cried. “I don’t know. Nothing makes sense right now. When you come out to the farm it’s like you blend in with what I am, but when I get away from home—out in your world—it’s not the same. You saw how I reacted on our Christmas lights tour. So no matter what we may have felt in the past or think we feel now, we can never be a couple, Rudy. Not ever. That’s what I came to tell you. Not very well, I’m sure…but I so very much hope you understand.”

  Rudy reached over to tuck loose strands of hair back under Lydia’s kapp. “You’re beautiful as ever, Lydia. Even through a veil of tears. Do you know that?”

  “Hush,” Lydia scolded. “That doesn’t help.”

  A trace of a smile flitted on Rudy’s face. “I’m not sorry that I said it. I meant every word…and more. You know that.”

  Lydia stood to her feet. “Don’t make this harder than it is. I need to go, Rudy. Good-bye.”

  Rudy reached for her hand again. “If we must, then, good-bye. Have a wonderful life, Lydia. I’ll never forget you.”

  Lydia pulled away. “Nor I you, Rudy. You will find someone who can love you and be fully part of your world. In a way, I’m envious of her…but I’m not her.”