Handful of Heaven

by Jillian Hart

  “I guess you’re like me. Alone is better than betrayal.”

  Like an ax hitting her chest, her heart cracked wide open. Sometimes it felt as if she were the only person on earth who’d had a disappointing marriage at best, and a devastating wound she’d shown no one. Ever. “In the diner, it’s like all I see are couples. Married people are everywhere. Young and old and in between. With kids, without kids and empty-nesters. It’s not the happy couples I notice. It’s the ones that sit in silence. They don’t talk. They don’t look at one another. And I think how lucky I am not to be with someone who sees past me.”

  “My wife saw me just fine. She just wasn’t content with what she saw.”

  “How could that be? All anyone needs to know about you is to see what a fine job you did raising your sons.”

  I could kiss you, lady. Evan’s chest cinched tight. Her compliment surprised him, but it did more than that. It touched him where he was vulnerable, in the deepest places of his heart. He’d tried so hard for his boys’ sake. It hadn’t always been easy, especially not alone, but then Paige would understand that. She would know how it felt to be alone raising kids. “That means a lot coming from someone who’s raised a good kid, too.”

  “He is a good kid, but I keep my eye on him. I’ll get your supper in the microwave and you should be set. Is there anything else you need?”

  “Paige, I’m serious. Don’t wait on me.” He stood, refusing to acknowledge the grimace of pain in his back or the residual traveling pain making its presence known in his leg. “I think whatever popped out of place has popped back. Let me grab my keys and I’ll help you out of the drift.”

  “You shouldn’t be up moving around.”

  “Hey, I’m tough. That’s the first lesson you’ve got to know about me. Not much can get me down, and if it does, it doesn’t keep me there.”

  “Note taken. I’ll never try to suggest you take it easy again.”

  “Excellent.” Evan couldn’t say why her smile lit him up inside, but the effect was like a ray of light on the dark side of the moon as he limped over to get his keys.

  The storm had worsened since she’d been in Evan’s house. She shivered, swiped the wind-driven snow from her eyes and tried to see him in the near whiteout conditions. The stubborn man just didn’t know when to stop.

  Or maybe it was just her perspective. She hadn’t been around a man in a personal capacity in a long, long time, excluding her son, who was more boy than adult at this point of his life.

  Evan Thornton had to be in agony, she knew because she had a slipped disk that bothered her from time to time, so she knew what it felt like. And he was acting as if he was impervious to pain, as if he hadn’t just been unable to move less than twenty-five minutes ago.

  He straightened from the winch on the front of his rig, highlighted by the headlights that cast him in silhouette. Invincible, he seemed to rise up to his six-foot height and from her vantage on the down slope of the hillside, he seemed ten feet tall.

  In that moment, her breath caught between her ribs and she couldn’t explain what happened within her; she only knew that something in her heart felt different simply from looking at him. He cut through the beams of light and blended with the night. Although her eyes could not make him out against the dark and the storm, it was as if her heart could sense him standing there, unbowed and mighty, like some Wild-West hero brought to life.

  She didn’t believe in heroes. Not at all. Not in real life. Not in her experience. So why was she thinking this way? Was it simply the possibility of the fairy tale of true love worming its way into her thoughts again, after all this time and all her experience to the contrary? She’d banished the hope long ago when Jimmy had walked away from the grill and out the door with a fun, young blond thing while she’d had a crying baby with an earache, a busy diner and a call from the deputy about her younger sister in hot water again.

  A woman had to stand on her own two feet in this tough world. She shouldn’t be wasting her energy wishing for a white knight on a shining stallion to rescue her from her problems. The only help she needed was God’s help.

  The driving wind chose that moment to ram against her so hard, she lost her balance, tumbling against the snow-driven door of her Jeep. Visibility vanished and she lost sight of the mythical man she’d woven out of old daydreams. Out of loneliness, too, she had to admit. For the business of her days and the fullness of her life, she was alone in the most fundamental way.

  Maybe that’s just the way life was, she’d been even lonelier when she’d been married all those years ago. She’d felt so utterly lonely, wanting the loving tenderness from her husband who would rather watch football or play his video games or go out playing pool with his buddies.

  This loneliness was better, she told herself firmly, cloaked and isolated by the drifting snow and pummeled by a wildly vicious wind, she did the only thing she could. Called out a thank you to Evan, wherever he was—if he had any sense, he’d be in the warm cab of his truck right now—and she fought the gusts to open her vehicle’s door, where the idling engine was blowing hot blasts from the vents—but the temperature outside was so cold, it did little to warm the interior of the Jeep.

  With her teeth chattering from the frigid conditions, she hopped onto the seat and slammed the door.

  And gave a jump when the passenger door opened and a dark presence slid into the other seat. The wind slammed the door shut and they sat in the glow of the dome light, the gusts shaking the vehicle and howling wildly around them.

  “I can see why the drifts got so deep.” Evan’s low baritone rumbled as warm as firelight.

  “I’m going to have a fine time getting back to town. I’d best get going. I owe you—again—for helping me.”

  “Then I expect you to pay up.” His words were softened by a mysterious crick of his mouth in a sly—and very charming lopsided grin—as he flicked on her radio and hit the scanning button. “Thought you might want to hear this.”

  She already knew with a punch of certainty which channel he was scanning for—one of the local stations, which was in the middle of an emergency broadcast. All county roads were closed due to extremely dangerous weather conditions. “I left the twins in charge of the diner.”

  “Then call them and tell them to close up. They live right there in town, right?”

  She nodded. The journey home for them would be relatively safe. “I can ask Dave to drive them on his way. He’s an old hand at dealing with this weather.”

  “Then did you want to come back with me and use my phone?”

  “No, I’d better risk getting home. Although, I’m not that sure how long that’s going to take me. Could I ask you another favor?”

  “Try me.”

  It went against her grain to ask anyone for help like this, but she thought of the girls’ safety—there wasn’t anything more important than that. “Could you call the diner for me?”

  “Consider it done. You’d best get going before this gets any worse, and we both know it can. Be safe.” He opened the door to the fury of the blizzard conditions. “You’re going to owe me big-time. How about escorting me on Wednesday night? You’d be doing me a favor. I’m shy.”

  “You’re not shy.”

  “No, but help me out here. Go with the flow, like my boys say. It’s a new meeting. I’m afraid to go alone.”

  “A big strong man like you? You don’t seem afraid of anything.”

  “I’m big on the outside, marshmallow on the inside.”

  This man was so not fooling her. “No man is marshmallow on the inside.”

  “How do you know that? Are you an expert?” A quirk of humor tugged at the corner of his mouth.

  Yeah, he was charming, all right. What was a girl to do? “Let’s just say I have had practical experience with the species.”

  “Well, some men fall outside the normal bell curve of averages. That would be me.”

  “So, you’re below average?”

  That ma
de his dark eyes twinkle. “I was thinking more of the other side of the chart. More than your average guy.”

  “I’m not sure that’s a good thing.”

  “Then it’s a date?”

  “No. I’m not agreeing to a date. I don’t date.”

  “Neither do I. Then how about one Bible studier helping out a wannabe Bible studier.”

  “Haven’t we been here before? Why would my answer be different?”

  “Well, you’ve had time to think about it. You’ve had time to see I’m an okay guy—I mean, above average. I at least come with morals, principles and good references.”

  If she wasn’t careful, she was going to start liking him even more. “Okay. Agreed. I’ll go to the coffee house with you, but it’s not a date.”

  “Not a date. Two people just going to a Bible study together. Good night, Paige.” He shut the door and he was gone. Not even the faintest hint of him remained as the fierce storm closed in around her, leaving her alone again. Alone, being the key word.

  What was it about Evan Thornton that made her feel the sting of loneliness when he was gone? She hated to think about it. She didn’t want to admit she had any shred of that young, foolish girl she’d once been left inside her. She was a practical, hardworking woman who knew how to get things done. What was it that she heard endlessly from people? Sensible to a fault. Yep, that was her. So why on earth was she wishing that she’d said yes to Evan as a date instead of as a friend?

  Because I’m insane. It was the only thing that made sense. Maybe it was some sort of mid-life crisis. Or a reaction to all the long backbreaking hours she’d been working. A woman couldn’t put in horribly long work days seven days a week forever. Something was bound to give…apparently, today, it was her sanity.

  I’d better schedule an afternoon off and soon.

  Well…she amended. Maybe after the month’s financial statements were done. As she sat forward, as if that would help her see better through the snow battering the windshield, she realized that while she was heading home, it would be no night of leisure. There was the bookwork to do. At least she had all but the day’s receipts at home. She’d do a little computer work until bedtime.

  Even in four-wheel drive, the tires caught and spun in the deep drifts that covered the driveway like waves in an ocean.

  Driving kept her full attention, and it was a fortunate thing she had her full attention to give. Surely the youth pastor had sent the kids home before the emergency bulletin came through. She prayed that Alex was home safe.

  But it wasn’t worry over her son that troubled her as she battled to keep the Jeep on the road. No, for some reason she couldn’t explain, the soreness of being alone remained, as if the memory of Evan’s impressive presence remained like a ghost to haunt her.

  You’re going to owe me big-time, he’d said, as though it was a threat. What on earth did he mean? She’d accompany him to Bible study, introduce him so he wasn’t alone, and they’d be square, right? That’s what he meant, right?

  The uncertainty stayed with her on the arduous half-mile journey to the private road that took her to her own driveway. To her relief Alex’s truck was parked squarely in the middle of the drive, caught in a drift, and so she parked behind him, knowing there was no way to get around.

  The wind struck her like a boxer’s fists, and she couldn’t remember feeling a colder one, ever. The night and the darkness felt endlessly isolating as she fought her way through the drifts, and along her driveway cut between snowbound pines. The wind moaned through the snow-heavy limbs overhead, and she hurried as fast as she could manage through the blizzard conditions and to the house that emerged from the whiteout, lit windows glowing gold. There was Alex in the open doorway, calling out, glad to see her.

  Not so lonesome anymore, she hurried out of the storm, hugged her son even though he protested, and gave thanks that they were safe and snug as the late-season blizzard raged on.

  It was nearly an hour later by the time Evan shoveled the drifts out of the way so the garage door could close properly. He’d done as Paige had asked, returned to call the diner, given the evening cook her message and banked the fire so he could go right back out in the storm.

  And why? He was frozen half to death in the subzero temperatures and even colder windchill, and his back hurt so bad he couldn’t straighten up all the way…and all for a woman. A woman who made him half crazy, judging by the way he was acting.

  Although the roads were beyond dangerous to drive in, what had he done? He’d followed the wheel tracks Paige’s Jeep had left in the snow all the way to her driveway. Just to make sure she wasn’t lost in the ditch somewhere.

  When he’d come across her vehicle parked neatly in the dark behind her son’s truck, unable to go any farther, he knew she must be home safe, since the walk wasn’t far. Sure enough the message light blinked on the answering machine. Since he was half-stooped anyway, he didn’t have much of a reach to hit Play.

  “Hey Evan, I’m home safe. I hope you made it back up your driveway okay. Stay warm and take care of your back. Take another ibuprofen, okay?”

  Was it his imagination, or was there more than friendly warmth in Paige’s voice? The machine beeped and whirred to a stop.

  Agony ripped through his spine as he marched over to the fireplace, stirred the coals and added kindling to the glowing red chunks. The cedar kindling caught instantly and flame licked through the thin slivers of wood.

  He crumpled paper, trying to drown out the sound and the memory of Paige’s voice and of her presence here in his house, in his home, making the loneliness so strident, it was a physical pain he could not deny.

  What are you trying to tell me, Lord? he asked as he tossed split wood into the fire. There came no answer, although the howling winds and scouring snow against the siding and along the eaves echoed in the stillness surrounding him.

  He stretched for the remote and turned on the TV just for the noise. Just to make the emptiness less dark and less shadowed.

  Chapter Eight

  Tonight’s the night. It was all Paige had thought about for the last hour of her shift, and it was all she could think about now as she capped the tall chocolate-banana milkshake. The diner was quieting down, and she was keeping one eye on the door waiting for Evan Thornton to walk through it.

  “Ain’t it about time for you to leave?” Dave commented through the order-up window as he finished up a burger on the grill. “I’ve got things covered.”

  “Thanks. If things get busy, and you need backup, I’ve got my cell. You call, I’ll come.”

  “You seem awful eager. Thought you liked that Bible study you go to.”

  Was that a smirk she saw beneath his mustache? Just how much did he know? She hadn’t told a soul about her arrangement with Evan. After all, they were acquaintances. That was it. She was doing him a favor, because he’d done her a favor. Right?

  And if thinking of Evan made her feel a little lighter, then she didn’t have to have a reason for it, did she? It wasn’t as if anything serious was going to come of this. She’d meet him. Take him to Bible study. Introduce him. End of story. It was no big deal.

  “I’m always eager to go, you know that.” She kept going on her way through the dining room. Brianna looked as though she had everything under control. She gave the teenager a smile as they passed in the aisle.

  “I didn’t get even one overring all shift!” The teenager beamed. “Can you believe it?”

  “Absolutely. You’re good, girl.”

  “Yeah!” She practically skipped to the front.

  Well, that’s progress. Paige could only hope Brandilyn’s mastery of the cash register wasn’t far behind. She slid the milkshake cup onto Alex’s table, careful of the papers scattered over the surface.

  His physics book was open, and his blond head was bent over his current problem. Lost in concentration, he scribbled madly with his mechanical pencil.

  She pulled a wrapped straw from her apron pocket and sli
pped it next to the large cup.

  “Thanks, Mom.” Alex scribbled down a final number before he looked up. A deep frown of concentration dug into his forehead. “Whew. I think I nailed that. I’ve got one more.”

  “Then are you heading home?”

  “You know it. Want me to check on Annie?”

  The mare had figured out the latest latch on her stall door. “I’d appreciate it. Call if you need me.”

  “I know, Mom.” He flashed her a charming grin. “You have a good time with Mr. Thornton.”

  “How did you know about that?”

  “Little potatoes have big ears,” he replied, something she always used to say when he was little. Proud of himself, he grabbed the straw and tore off the wrapper. “You left it written down in your engagement diary. The one you leave open every day on the kitchen counter. It was hard to miss.”

  She’d never had anything really private to write in it before. “I’m gonna ground you for that.”

  “Empty threat.” He grinned even more widely, sure of himself. If nothing, her son was confident and steady. He was going to make a fine man one day, and that made her proud.

  And sad. She had so little time left with her son. She wanted to hold so tightly to him and never let go. But that wasn’t good for him.

  So, instead of grabbing him close, she settled for ruffling her fingertips through his hair, the way she’d done since he was a little guy. “I don’t want you to get all worried. Mr. Thornton is coming to our Bible study for the first time and I told him I’d introduce him around.”

  “It’s not a date?” He looked crestfallen.

  “No. You know me. I’m too busy keeping up with you and this place to find time to date. Do you need anything else before I go?”

  “Mom, dating might be good for you. You know, to round out your life.”

  “I wasn’t aware my life needed rounding out.”

  “Sure. I saw it on Dr. Phil. You don’t have enough balance.” He flashed her “The Eye,” as if he had the power to charm her into seeing things his way. “And Pastor John said that you’re going to have a hard time when I go, with the empty-nest thing, so I have to be understanding. So I’m being understanding. Go. Date. I want to support you in your life choices.”