Missing Pieces

by Ivy Smoak

  With a deep breath, I looked up at the disgustingly immense house in front of me. My dad and I lived in a ranch house with two bedrooms. It was cozy and wonderful and perfect. I clenched my hand into a fist. But it still bothered me that Elena lived in something like this. She had so much and I had so little. I took another deep breath. But I didn't want any of this. I didn't need any of this. I just wanted my dad to be healthy again. He was all I needed.

  I walked up the rest of their ridiculously long driveway and along their front walkway. But my feet froze at the steps up to their front door. I stared at the perfect family through the window. They were all sitting around a table laughing and passing food around. It looked like something you'd see in a Christmas movie. Only it was lunchtime. In the summer. Who eats lunches like this in the middle of the summer? Elena leaned over and kissed her husband on the cheek. It looked like the little girl squealed and covered her eyes. The little boy took a piece of food from his plate and fed it to the dog underneath the table.

  A chill ran down my spine. Maybe I didn't want a big house and fancy things. But I had always wanted this. A family. I loved my dad with all my heart. He gave me the world. But of course I always wanted this. I couldn't help it. I watched the family around the table laugh again. Elena looked so happy. Why couldn't I make her happy? Why did she choose them over me? Why was I never good enough?

  Stop. I took a deep breath. I told myself I wouldn't feel any of this. So what if Elena had a new family and was happy? I didn't give a shit about her. I came here for her help because I was desperate. That was it. I walked confidently up the front steps and knocked on the door.

  Luckily it was Elena who opened the door.

  For some reason, I lost my voice. The woman in front of me made me feel small, cast aside, forgotten. She may have forgotten about me, but I had never forgotten her. How could I? I tried to speak, but no words came out.

  "Can I help you?" she said impatiently. Hearing her voice brought back even more painful memories.

  I swallowed hard.

  "There's no solicitors in this neighborhood. Sorry." She slammed the door in my face.

  Did she really not even recognize me? I bit my lip. I'd never forget her face. It looked too much like mine. I knocked on the door again.

  Elena opened it. Her mouth was in a set, thin line. "Look, I said we don't have solicitors. Do you not speak English? I won't warn you again." She went to close the door, but I put my hand out to stop it.

  "Elena, it's me."

  She drew her eyebrows together as she regarded me and my outfit. I had never felt so instantly judged in my life.

  "Hailey." I clenched my jaw. "Your daughter."

  Her eyes grew big. She stepped outside and closed the door behind her. "What are you doing here?" she asked in a hushed voice.

  No hello. No, how are you? No, look how big you've grown. I hadn't seen my mother in 15 years. And now she was staring at me like an intruder. An intruder she wished would disappear. And I couldn't help myself. I wanted answers. I wanted to know why she left. Because I had been wondering why my whole life. Why was I not good enough? Why was this new family so much better?

  "I wrote you letters every day for weeks." I kept my voice even. "And then every month for years. I was just a kid. How could..."

  "A kid that I never asked for," she snapped.

  And there it was. The reason why my dad didn't want me to see her. Because she had said all this to me before. That I was unwanted. That I was a mistake. That she hated me and my father for ruining her life. I blinked away my tears. Stop feeling. I had watched her pack her bags on a summer day like this 15 years ago. And I had begged her not to leave. I had begged my mother to not abandon me. And she had told me she didn't love me. She had told me she never wanted me. She had told me I meant nothing to her.

  But that wasn't why I was here. The past needed to stay in the past or else it might break me again. "I'm sorry, I'm not here to talk about what happened."

  "Good. Because I'm in the middle of something and I really don't have time for this." She turned around and reached for the front door handle.

  "Dad's dying. He has lung cancer."

  "Well he has no one to blame but himself. Maybe he shouldn't have started smoking."

  "He didn't. But you did." He's dying because of you. "That's one of the only things I remember about you actually. You sitting on the back porch with a cigarette in your hand."

  She smiled. "Is that what this is about? You think your poor father is dying because I smoked a few cigarettes around him? Grow up, Hailey. Lung cancer is caused by things besides cigarette smoke. Jeff isn't my problem anymore. I think I've made that very clear."

  "By returning every letter a seven year old wrote to you? Yeah, I got that, Elena. And I'm not asking you to help Jeff. I'm asking you to help me. Because he's the only family I have. Because you abandoned me. I'm asking for your help because I'm about to lose my whole world."

  "Then you should have surrounded yourself with better people. I made a decision that made my life better. And look at me now. So don't blame me for knowing I could do better."

  Better than me? Stop feeling. "I'm not. I'm just asking for your help. He needs experimental treatments. I need to borrow some money. I'll pay you back every cent with interest. I'm not asking for a handout. I'm asking for a loan. Please." I hated how desperate I sounded. I hated how small she made me feel.

  She eyed me coolly. "How much money do you need?"

  The amount terrified me. Because Elena hadn't given me anything in years. And now I was asking for so much. "Treatments cost anywhere from 20 to 70 thousand dollars."

  She laughed. "Get off my property."

  Her words made my whole body feel cold. "I'll pay you back. Please, Elena. I've never asked you for anything."

  She laughed. "Never asked me for anything? When you were born you ruined my life. Don't be ungrateful for my sacrifices. And as far as I'm concerned, you have no right to ask me for anything else."

  "Of course I do. You're my mom."

  Elena frowned. "I'm not your mother anymore, Hailey."

  "You don't just get to choose whether you are or not. We have the same blood in our veins. We have the same eyes. And nose. You're my mom. Whether you like it or not. And I need your help. Just this once. I'm begging you."

  "I'm asking you one last time to get off my property."

  "Please. I'm just asking for a loan."

  "And I'm not giving you a cent. Because you and your deadbeat father will sink the money in that stupid bar and I'll never get it back."

  "I'll pay you interest. I'll..."

  "Hailey, that's enough. This conversation is over. We may share some genes, but you are nothing like me. You and your father will always be broke because you'd rather ask for handouts than work hard. Me giving you money will only hinder your future. Now get the fuck off my property before I call the cops."

  I was blinking hard, trying to hold back my impending tears.

  The front door suddenly opened. "Is everything okay, honey?" The man she had kissed on the cheek wrapped his arm around her waist. He smiled at me. He looked kind. How could someone like that love such a monster?

  But as soon as he had stepped outside, Elena's smile had returned. "Yes. It's just a solicitor, sweetie. And she was just leaving."

  I'm your daughter. You're supposed to love me. I hadn't asked Elena for anything in 15 years. Not since I had begged her to stay. She owed me this. "One favor. And you'll never see me again. I'll never ask you for anything else the rest of my life. It'll be like I never existed. Isn't that what you want? Please, Elena."

  Her new husband looked back and forth between us. Maybe he was seeing the similarities in our features. Or maybe he was just wondering why a solicitor was asking his wife for a favor. "Maria, what's going on?"

  Maria? Who the hell is Maria?

  "Richard," Elena said and looked up at her husband. "I've been trying to explain to her that there are no solicito
rs allowed in this neighborhood. I asked he to get off our property. And she's refusing to leave until we buy whatever she's selling. Do you think we should call the cops?"

  "I don't think that's necessary," he said. "You were just leaving, right? If you'll excuse us. Have a nice day." He pulled his wife inside the house with him and closed the door in my face.

  I didn't travel halfway across the country for nothing. I wasn't leaving until my stupid excuse for a mother wrote me a check. It wasn't like she didn't have the money. I pounded my fist on the door.

  "Maria, it's fine," I heard him say from the other side of the door. "I'll handle it. You call the cops." The door opened. Richard stood there, with his wife nowhere in sight. His expression had turned cold. "My wife has already warned you. She's calling the police right now."

  "You don't understand."

  "I understand that I've already warned you once and..."

  "I'm her daughter." I didn't want to intentionally throw Elena under the bus. I hadn't come here to ruin her life. I had come here to save my dad's.

  "I'm sorry?" He shook his head and stared at me again. "That's impossible. You're too old to be Maria's daughter. My wife is only 32."

  So she lied to her new husband about more than just her name. That wasn't surprising at all. "She's 38. And her name is Elena."

  "You must have the wrong house." He looked confused.

  "I don't have the wrong house." I was getting exasperated. " She had me when she was 16. You must see the similarities. You must see how much I look like her."

  He shook his head.

  "Your name is Richard, right?"

  His lips parted, but then he closed them again and nodded.

  "Richard, my whole life I've felt unwanted. She left me and my dad and started a family with you. She chose you over us. And I always wondered what I did wrong. Why I wasn't good enough. I wouldn't be here if I didn't need to be. It kills me to beg her for money. But my father is dying. And I know she has money to spare. I haven't asked her for anything in 15 years. And I'll never ask her for anything again. Of either of you. And I'll pay you back. Every dime."

  He seemed to be staring at me, studying my facial expressions.

  I felt like I was winning him over. "You're a father. You understand a bond between a father and daughter. Please help me so I don't lose my dad. Please."

  "I'm sorry, I don't..." his words died away.

  "She's not who she says she is. She's been lying to you."

  He looked over his shoulder and then back at me. "How old did you say you were?"

  "I'm 22."

  He lowered his eyebrows and shook his head. "I'm sorry...it's just...it's not possible."

  "Please believe me."

  "I will not stand here and listen to this slander." He nodded his head as if he was trying to convince himself.

  "Please, Richard, I just..."

  This time he slammed the door in my face.

  I pounded my fist against the door again. No. I hadn't faced my fears of seeing her just to leave feeling like this. She wasn't allowed to abandon me when I needed her again. She wasn't allowed to make me feel second best anymore, with her new family and her fancy house. My whole life it felt like there wasn't enough room in her heart for me in addition to her new family. News flash, Elena. There was room for me. I pounded my fist on the door again.

  My whole life I had convinced myself that if she didn't need me, I didn't need her either. And I thought I'd be able to hold on to that notion. So why was I falling apart? I truly didn't need her. I didn't need my mom. I wrapped my arms around myself and let myself start to cry. Because the truth was, no matter how many times I told myself otherwise, I did need her. I wanted to be first in her life. I wanted me and my dad to be the family she chose. I wanted there to be room for me in her heart. My whole life I had felt rejected. Abandoned. And now my dad was going to die. I was going to be left all alone. Didn't she see that? Didn't she see how much she was hurting me? I needed her. I needed her help and I hated that I needed it. I hated myself for believing that she might actually help me.

  I heard sirens wailing in the distance. I didn't have money to post bail. I didn't even have enough money to fly back home. My knees tried to give out as I ran down their front steps. But I kept running. I needed to get home to my dad. I couldn't end up in some prison in Pasadena. I grabbed my duffel bag from behind the bush and froze.

  Tyler's car was sitting at the end of the driveway. He waited for me. And my heart broke into a million tiny pieces. He waited for me.

  Chapter 40

  Tyler

  Thursday

  I watched as the guy slammed the door in Hailey's face. It took every ounce of restraint to not run to her. She had asked me to leave. It was bad enough that I had come back. And it felt like I was spying, because I was. She didn't want me here. I couldn't really explain it, but I felt in my gut that she needed me here, though. I wanted to be there for her.

  She put her arms around her torso, hugging herself. I watched the girl I was falling in love with fall apart. And I watched her be strong as she pounded on the door again.

  Maybe she didn't need me. But I was going to be there for her anyway. I'd be right here waiting for her if she wanted me.

  Sirens wailed in the distance. I glanced in my rearview mirror but didn't see anything. When I looked back out the side window, Hailey was standing at the end of the driveway staring at me.

  I couldn't tell if she was furious or happy to see me. I opened up the car door and stepped out.

  "You came back." She wiped her eyes will the heel of her palm.

  "I came back."

  She nodded as more tears slid down her cheeks.

  The sirens were starting to sound closer.

  "Does the offer still stand to go see the Pacific Ocean?"

  I smiled. "Get in."

  She looked down at the ground as she climbed back into my car.

  "Do you want to talk about..."

  "Can you just drive?" She didn't say it defensively. It came out as more of a plea.

  I glanced once more at the large house and pulled off the curb. There were a million questions I wanted to ask her. But first I needed to get her as far away from this place as possible.

  It was hard to focus on the road. Her eyes were squeezed shut and tears were still streaming down her cheeks. Her hands were balled into fists.

  "Hails," I said as gently as possible.

  She shook her head.

  Talk to me. Let me in. I drove on in silence. I wanted to say something that would make her feel better, but I didn't know what to say.

  "We're almost there," I said. Really, that's what I came up with?

  Hailey didn't say anything.

  There were so many things I wanted to say, so many things that would have been better. I couldn't leave because I'm in love with you. It physically hurts me to see you cry because I care so much about you. I want to be with you. I want you to wait for me. I'm scared that you'll hurt me like Penny did.

  But maybe Hailey had pegged me right at the very beginning. Maybe I was a coward. Because instead of saying anything, I pulled into a parking lot alongside of Venice Beach. Tell her.

  I didn't get a chance to find the courage though. She opened up the door and starting sprinting toward the sand before I had even cut the engine.

  "Hailey!" I yelled as I chased after her.

  Chapter 41

  Hailey

  Thursday

  There was no room in my mother's heart for me. There was no room in Tyler's heart for me. In four months I'd be alone. It was my worst fear coming true. My dad would be dead. And it was my fault. Because I couldn't save him. I couldn't fix it. It felt like I was drowning.

  I dropped to my knees in the sand and wrapped my arms around myself. I couldn't breathe. My lungs ached as I gasped for air.

  Tyler's arms wrapping around me felt like an anchor. Suddenly I felt like I could breathe again. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone. The smel
l of freshly cut grass was all I could smell. It was the most comforting scent in the world.

  He pulled my face onto his shoulder and let me cry. And maybe it was weak, but I clung to him. Because he was the only thing in the world that seemed to know how to calm me. He was the light to my darkness. He was the missing piece to my puzzle. He was it. And it made me cry even harder because I wasn't his missing piece. And I never would be.

  "Tell me who those people were so I know who to beat up," Tyler said.

  I laughed. It came out as more of a choking noise. I swallowed hard and pulled away from him, but not enough so that our bodies weren't pressed together. Because I needed to know he was beside me. Even if just for a few more moments.

  "Tyler..." my voice cracked as I put my face in my hands.

  "It's okay, you can tell me. Talk to me, Hailey."

  I looked up. He looked so concerned. And I needed to talk to someone about this before the pain swallowed me whole.

  Tyler leaned forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. The gesture was so comforting.

  "I know that when you asked about my mom, I said I didn't have one anymore. I made it seem like she was dead. Because...well, I don't know. It's easier that way when people ask, I guess. But, she's alive." And better off without me, I guess. "She left my dad and me when I was a kid. And I still remember it like it was yesterday, you know? All the things she said." I looked down at my lap. "That I was a mistake. That I ruined her life. That it was my fault that she was unhappy. That she never loved me."

  Tyler slipped his hand into mine. "How old were you?"

  "Seven."

  "Jesus." He squeezed my hand. "Please tell me you didn't believe her? Hailey, you're remarkable. You're everything good this world has to offer. You're perfect."

  Perfect? I laughed. "Of course I believed her. I was seven. And I've felt abandoned my whole life. I've always felt like I wasn't good enough." It was hard to look at him, so I looked past him at the ocean instead. It really was beautiful. So why was I focused on this pain instead of its beauty? Why were some things so all consuming? "I used to write her letters every day, begging her to come home, asking her what I could do for her to love me again. She never wrote me back. Hundreds of unanswered letters. Eventually my dad told me that she had gotten remarried to some hotshot lawyer and that she had asked for me to stop trying to contact her. She started a new family. She replaced us so easily. And I don't know why I can't move on like she did. I don't know why it hurts so damn much."