Can't Hate You (Second Chance Diaries Book 1)

by Emma Vikes

  I turned around to face her. “Why do you think that she’ll have her heartbroken?”

  Blue eyes stared at me intently and I could see the swirls of a deeper blue in them as she approached me. “Because that’s what you do, Ryan. You’re a pro at raising hopes and expectations and then you leave them heartbroken.”

  I took the remaining steps, reducing the distance between us.

  Kate sucked in a breath at my sudden close proximity.

  “There are only two women in my life that I don’t want to hurt by raising their hopes and expectations. One, being Faith and the other being you, shortcake.”

  16

  Kate

  And the other being you, shortcake.

  It seemed like those words were on repeat in my brain. Like a vinyl record scratched, it kept repeating over and over again. It made me feel like he purposely wanted me to think about it. This was turning into a real problem because I couldn’t sleep last night.

  Now, I had a headache the size of Nebraska.

  The fact that I could hear hammering in the backyard didn’t help either. The fact that Ryan came by at one in the afternoon to start on Faith’s treehouse with her bothered me too. It felt like the broken record of his voice repeating those words to me over and over wasn’t enough. Now, I had to give him juice and some snacks because he was spending time with my daughter.

  Then at the same time, the sight of the two of them building a treehouse warmed my heart.

  “I made lemonade,” I announced, carrying three glasses and a pitcher filled with lemonade to the backyard. I could feel Ryan’s green gaze fixed on me and I tried to ignore him but it was hard to do so. With the fact, he was sweating through his white shirt made it nearly impossible for me to ignore him.

  Faith squealed and ran up to me as I set the tray on the picnic table. I’d also made pan-fried cinnamon bananas that Faith loved. She instantly popped one into her mouth while Ryan looked a little bit hesitant.

  I eyed him carefully and like a bullet, I suddenly remembered he wasn’t a fan of bananas. “There are chips in the pantry, if you don’t want to eat the bananas.”

  Ryan stared at me for a moment, as if processing what I just said. Then he shook his head, picked up a banana, and popped it in his mouth. Quickly swallowing, he gave me a smile and a small shrug. “It’s okay. I’ll have these.”

  “You hate bananas, Ryan.”

  Faith’s eyes widened as she grabbed another one. “Is that true, Ryan?”

  Ryan poured our drinks and downed half of his then he looked at her sheepishly and nodded his head. “Yeah, I’ve never been a fan. Used to set them aside and have your Uncle Andrew eat them.”

  Faith laughed and then pushed the plate towards him. “Will you eat more of it for me?”

  I stared at Ryan curiously. As far as I knew, he was never one to bend his principles for other people. His gaze remained fixed on Faith and I could see the challenge in my daughter’s eyes. It was amusing to watch them though. One was the kind to never have his principles broken and though she was young, Faith loved to challenge people.

  One of them had to break and I never expected it to be Ryan.

  He reached for another banana and put it into his mouth, chewing it slowly while staring at Faith. After swallowing, he said, “You’re lucky I love you.”

  The big fat smile on Faith’s face made my heart flutter. I’d never seen her beam like that with Andrew or Dad. When I turned to look at Ryan, he had this adorable smile on his face too. I could feel his sincerity when he said he loved Faith because I saw the twinkle in his eyes. Maybe we could make it work and we could be this little family.

  The sudden thought was caging… a total surprise and it made me lean back abruptly.

  The change in my mood didn’t go unnoticed by Ryan because his gaze immediately flicked in my direction. “You okay?”

  I nodded and picked up my glass, hoping the icy lemonade would calm my nerves. I did not just put a thought on Ryan being my partner to raise Faith! I’d gone through six years of raising my daughter on my own. Not once did I give much thought on finding a man to raise her with.

  Then suddenly, here was Ryan. He taught her how to ride a bike and even got himself a bike, so they could ride around at the park. He would patiently listen to her stories about school whenever he had the chance. He even watched her soccer game and treated her teammates with pizza and milkshake after winning. Now, he was building a treehouse with her.

  I’d made it clear with him not to raise Faith’s hopes and expectations. I could handle him breaking my heart but never my daughter’s. But what if keeping him at arm’s length would only break all of our hearts?

  As alarming as my earlier thought had been, it was the same with this second one. The idea of entertaining the possibility of having Ryan in my life in a different way…Like we could be this little family and even if it wasn’t something I desperately wanted, it was something Faith deserved.

  She deserved to have a father stand by her, or even someone willing to act as a father to her. When Adam broke up with me, I had to grow a backbone for Faith. I wanted to give her a life wherein she wouldn’t notice the difference of having both sets of parents and only having one. I wanted her to be contented with that.

  I always thought Andrew and my dad would be enough. Here was Ryan, making Faith’s smile a little bit bigger and brighter.

  It’d been over an hour and a half since we had lemonade. I left the pitcher for the two of them and went back inside to work on a new video. I was supposed to make soufflé pancakes earlier this morning but it didn’t end well, so I had to start over again. Faith wouldn’t mind having it for dinner.

  Now, Ryan hovered over me.

  I was in the middle of sifting the flour into a clean bowl. When I took a deep breath, I took in his scent of wood and warm summer. Swallowing, I tried to focus on what I was doing as I picked up an egg. With ease, I managed to separate the yolk from the white and dropped it in the bowl with the flour.

  “Are you just going to ignore me?” he asked.

  Sighing and grabbing a paper towel to clean my hands, I faced him and stared in surprise at his paint-stained white shirt. “What happened to your shirt?”

  He pointed at the window where we had the view of the backyard and a clear view of Faith painting. “Picasso over there went into the zone and when I was trying to open a paint bucket, it splattered all over me. Mind if you point me to the laundry room?”

  I glanced at my camera, aware that whatever footage I had recorded was ruined.

  Ryan noticed me staring at it and then got into the center of the frame. He waved ‒ a little too awkwardly ‒ then said, “Hello, hello, hello! It’s Ryan Bell and welcome to Katie Shaw!”

  I raised my brows as I stared at him with amusement. “How do you know my vlog intro?”

  He shrugged. “When Andrew told me that he shot a video with you, I looked it up. By the end of it, you said to subscribe and turn on the notifications and I did. At first, I did so because I thought you needed subscribers. Now, I’m just really glad that I did.”

  Licking my lips, I wasn’t sure how to respond to this. I knew the hidden meaning behind his words and a part of me wished I couldn’t decipher it. I wished to be dumb and oblivious, not sharp and dubious about it. “C’mon. Let’s put that shirt in the machine. I think I have an old shirt of Andrew’s from college that I stole.”

  “At least, it’s not a shirt from an old boyfriend,” Ryan commented as he followed me.

  On our way out, I turned off the camera, so the footage wouldn’t be too long. I pointed the laundry room out to Ryan and then headed upstairs to get the shirt.

  It had been a debate club shirt and probably the softest and comfiest shirt my brother owned at the time. I think he had been aware that I stole it after he’d left it at home when he came for Thanksgiving. He had asked me numerous times if I had it but I never fessed up to the theft.

  “I think Andrew’s shirt would
fit you—” I forgot the rest of the words of in the sentence when Ryan faced me. His naked upper body glistened with sweat and my hand itched to touch those hard planes. I could feel my hands twitching, remembering the feel of his body beneath my palms.

  The green in his eyes deepened in color when he saw me come in.

  Swallowing, I offered the shirt to him.

  But he didn’t seem inclined to take it from me. Instead, he advanced closer.

  My heart raced in anticipation. My toes curled with excitement as he took another step ‒painstakingly slow ‒ towards me.

  Without losing eye contact, he reached for the shirt in my hands. “Andrew’s been looking for this shirt since forever. He always felt like you had it but you kept denying it. He also kept telling me that one day, he was going to catch you red-handed.”

  I tried to shake off the throbbing and pulsating in my nether region. “Your shirt will dry after dinner. You can switch back into it and return this to me anyway.”

  “What if I don’t want to?” Ryan asked quietly, taking another advancing step until I was backed against the wall. “Say, what if I keep this shirt, give it back to Andrew and you can keep mine?”

  “Why would I want to keep yours?”

  “In case you miss me.”

  “Why would I miss you?”

  “Because…” He didn’t finish his sentence as he remained in close proximity to me.

  I could feel his hot breath on my face. An involuntary shiver passed through me, as anticipation made my toes curl.

  And then the feel of his lips against mine. Like a ravenous wolf, I could feel the hunger in Ryan’s kiss. Responding with the same vigor, I opened my mouth and kissed him back the same way. He dropped the shirt and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer.

  Meanwhile, my hands took the opportunity to feel his body again. Nails raking his bare chest, he groaned against my lips. I could feel his cock straining against his denim jeans, brushing against my legs. Moaning, he reached for both my hands and clasped them together then held them above me.

  His kisses moved from my mouth to my neck and then to my collarbone. With one hand holding my hands up to restrain me, he used the free one to massage my nipple beneath my shirt.

  I arched my back, brushing my breasts against his naked body. Ryan groaned and I knew he could feel my erect nipples through my shirt because of the thin fabric and unpadded bra.

  “Mom? Ryan?” Faith’s voice floated from the kitchen to the living room.

  It felt like a bucket of cold water had doused us both.

  Instantly, Ryan sprang away from me. His lips looked swollen and I knew mine matched his. He bent down and grabbed the fallen shirt, slipping it on quickly before clearing his throat. When he spoke, his voice still sounded slightly husky, “We’re in the laundry room, Faith!”

  I could hear my daughter’s footsteps approaching quickly and I tried my best to pull myself together.

  The door creaked open and her head popped in. “Did you get your shirt washed?”

  Ryan nodded. “Yes and your mom had an old shirt of your uncle’s that I could borrow.”

  Faith cheered and opened the door wide. “That’s great! C’mon, I want to show you my painting! It’s not yet done but c’mon, c’mon, c’mon! You too, Mom!”

  Ryan and I looked at each other.

  I wondered if I could get at least thirty seconds to tell him to forget about what just happened. I didn’t get to do so because Faith pulled both our hands and the three of us stumbled out of the small room.

  She dragged us back outside and then motioned at the white canvas on the ground.

  My heart did a little skip at the sight of her unfinished painting. It was the park ‒ as much as Faith could paint it out to be ‒ with the three of us, having a picnic. There were two bikes painted at the side of the bench. It wasn’t completely done but the outline gave away what it was.

  “Is that us?” Ryan whispered and seemed to be in awe.

  Faith looked both shy and sheepish when she turned to him. “It’s my current favorite memory and I wanted to paint it out, so I don’t forget it.”

  I felt as if my heart was about to burst.

  Ryan crouched down and opened his arms for Faith to hug him and she was quick to give in to his request. He kissed the top of her head. “It’s amazing, you little Picasso.”

  “I really wanna finish it but I’m also really tired,” Faith said, yawning when she said it.

  “Oooh, you better take a bath.” I nodded at her. “I’ll start on dinner, so you can eat and then it’s bedtime for you, sweetheart.”

  She agreed without complaint and ran inside but stopped halfway to the door. She turned to look at Ryan. “You’ll stay for dinner and tuck me into bed, right?”

  Ryan glanced at me as if waiting for my permission.

  I shrugged. “You have to wait for your shirt to be done anyways. You can stay.”

  I followed Faith into the house and drew her bath while Ryan cleaned up the yard. They weren’t even halfway done with the treehouse yet, but it was looking as good as it could get.

  When I was in the kitchen and starting dinner, Ryan finally came back inside. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

  Now that we were both alone again, I could feel the awkward tension rising between us. “You can set the table.”

  Ryan seemed like he wanted to say something more but opted not to. Maybe he was bluffing last night with what he said to me and was as hesitant as I felt.

  As he moved around the kitchen, I spared a look at him. It would’ve been great if I could read minds because I wanted to know what was going on in that head of his.

  I wanted to know if he was giving ‘us’ a thought or if I was no different from the girls he played hooky with. Then I hated myself for thinking that, for painting Ryan as such a douche. But at the same time, he was Ryan Bell. I was aware of how he treated women and how he viewed relationships.

  Faith rushed downstairs while I was still roasting a chicken in the oven. While waiting, she and Ryan played crosswords until the food was ready. We didn’t talk much during dinner but Faith filled the silence. I felt too awkward to say anything because I had a feeling I might end up saying something I’d regret.

  Besides, I kept trying to figure out what to tell Ryan by the time he went home. I couldn’t let him believe he could just kiss me and have me. I’d drawn the line and I had to remind him of that line. I also had to think of a plausible excuse I could give him that would explain why I responded to the kiss.

  But what the hell? The truth was—I wanted him.

  He offered to wash the dishes and half an hour after he was done, Faith fell asleep watching cartoons on TV with him. He picked her up with ease and climbed the stairs.

  I took his shirt from the laundry room and waited for him at the landing of the stairs.

  “Seems like you’re ready to throw me out,” Ryan joked lightly when he reached me.

  I handed him his shirt.

  He quickly changed into it. “And you could’ve kept my shirt if you wanted.”

  I had to look away at the brief sight of his naked upper body again. I couldn’t trust myself if I caught a glimpse of it. “I didn’t.”

  Ryan sighed. “I would come by tomorrow to continue working on the treehouse but Faith said she’ll be at your parents.”

  “Yeah, she will.” My replies remained curt.

  Ryan let out another sigh as we both made our way to the front door.

  Taking a deep breath, I gathered the courage I needed to speak to him about the kiss earlier. “About what happened earlier, I think it would best if—”

  He cut me off with his lips. There was no urgency with this kiss and it didn’t seem to matter how unresponsive I was trying to be. His mouth was languid against mine, almost lazy. But something about this kiss gave me warm, fuzzy feelings. Like when our lips met halfway, it felt like the warmth of the sun finally rising after a very long winter. Like sunlight
thawing the ice, I’d caged my heart in.

  When Ryan pulled away, I found myself leaning closer, craving him a little more.

  He chuckled lightly.

  This sound was what brought me back to reality. Opening my eyes, I met his green ones that I expected to glint with amusement and mischief. Had it been that flicker of emotion I saw in them, it would’ve helped me with the situation.

  Instead of that, all I saw was sincerity.

  “I think it’s best if you think about that kiss. When you’ve concluded whether you want me or not, whether you like me or not, come to me. Tell me then. I’ll be waiting.”

  17

  Ryan

  What had I been thinking?

  This sudden burst of confidence and desire had made me say it. I wanted to have Kate, and not just in bed, but to be around her as well… at the same time, I didn’t want to commit. Wanting her didn’t change my perspective on love, relationships, and commitments. I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea and think I could commit with her.

  But then again…

  Love chooses us.

  Kate had this belief that love was what decided whether you were for it or not. She’d had her heart broken by Adam when he’d dropped her after impregnating her. There was a sure possibility that like me, she wasn’t ready for a commitment and never would be. I could be there for her as her partner and that would be all.

  Maybe it could work. Maybe unlike my parents who didn’t think they could co-parent me like a couple, we could make it work.

  I always made sure that I didn’t turn out like my parents. Granted, I was in the same profession as they were but it didn’t mean they’d inspired me to become a doctor. It wasn’t as if being a doctor was all I’d ever known either. Before everything went downhill with my family, I’d enjoyed seeing them at work and in their zone.

  I grew up feeling at home in the hospital. Of course, both of my parents were thrilled with my decision. It had in fact, been the only thing they wholly agreed upon together, without any kind of argument breaking out. As for the specialization I chose, both of them couldn’t have even been prouder that I went above and beyond theirs.