Can't Hate You (Second Chance Diaries Book 1)

by Emma Vikes

  Kate and I remained unmoved where we were in the kitchen, trapped in grim silence.

  After a while, she broke it. “Ryan…”

  I sighed and looked at her, smiling at her sadly. “I think it’s best if I just head home today.”

  The flash of hurt glimmered in her eyes. “So it’s that easy, huh? Your best friend finds out, calls you out and you give up.”

  My heart dropped as I shared her pain. The panic and anxiety came back, always at the back of my mind and now they stood at the forefront of my very being. Taking a step closer to her, I pulled her in for a tight hug, rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head. “I’m not leaving because we’re ending. Andrew knowing doesn’t change the fact that I want you, Kate, and that I like you.” Leaning back briefly, I tucked a strand of her wet, blonde hair behind her ear. “I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. It’s a jumble of emotions that I…” I kept grasping for the right words. “I sometimes can’t understand what’s going on, Kate. I need some time to think. I need to think of what I’m going to do that won’t end up with me losing either of you. Andrew’s my best friend and you…you’re the only one I want.”

  20

  Kate

  “So let me get this straight,” Vanessa began as she picked up a brownie from the tray I just took out of the oven.

  Since Ryan left this morning, the whole situation made me feel stressed. The moment he left, I paced the whole living room and called Mila, asking her about Andrew.

  Apparently, he was called in early at the hospital but Mila asked him to drop off the casserole she made for us last night. She couldn’t drop it herself since her schedule for the day was packed too. She didn’t know what went on with Andrew, so I briefed her about everything.

  At least, she hadn’t repeated, “You are sleeping with Ryan?” Over and over like Vanessa had.

  But then again, Ryan wasn’t Mila’s best friend and I wasn’t her biological sister. She wasn’t feeling the turmoil Andrew must have felt.

  “You’re actually seeing Ryan,” Vanessa repeated for about the hundredth time since she’d arrived at nine. She brought her nails to her mouth, nipping on them a little. “This is a turn of events that I did not anticipate. When I told you that I loved the fact that Faith felt like she has both sets of parents each time Ryan takes you two out, I didn’t mean for you to date the guy!”

  I let out an exasperated sigh and ran my hands over my face in frustration. This was what I’d been avoiding, having to explain to people about Ryan and I. “It just—it just sort of happened, Nessa. He’s been over a lot of times and—”

  “You hated him,” Vanessa pointed out with a lazy smirk plastered on her face as she leaned on the table, her palm holding her face. “And now I’m starting to think that hatred was a mask for your true feelings for him! Oh my, my, my, you’ve been in love with him since you were a kid!”

  I pursed my lips because she couldn’t have gotten it more wrong. I did say that I hated him but it wasn’t hated, per se. It was more like I was annoyed by the fact that he’d been over at the Shaw house a lot, how he purposely annoyed me, and how he treated women. But this was all in the past.

  I started seeing him in a different light was all. “I haven’t been in love with him since I was a kid. I was annoyed by his constant presence in my life and what I said at that time was true. I’m a human being, Nessa, my judgment on people can change too.”

  “So does your feelings for them too, apparently,” she remarked with a wink, “but I’m curious why you’ve let it happen for this long and kept it a secret. I mean according to you, it’s been going on for nearly a month.”

  It was more than a month if you counted the time I began to feel differently towards Ryan and when he first kissed me. But if you started to count the first time we decided to push this through, it had been nearly a month.

  The reason why was that we honestly didn’t know what was happening between us. We didn’t have a label and we couldn’t simply tell the people around us that we were just screwing around. I wasn’t prepared to put a label on what we were and I felt like he wasn’t either. “Because we didn’t know what we were supposed to say.”

  “What are you going to do now?”

  Groaning, I rested my head on the hardwood table. “I don’t know!”

  I honestly had no clue what would happen now. Ryan left right after Andrew did and if he tried to catch up with my brother to explain, I’m sure the ER would’ve called us. The fact that Ryan left made me feel like he might call off the whole thing. Whether or not he decided to do so, the thought already tugged at my heart.

  The idea was drilling into my heart actually, painstakingly slow, letting me shatter bit by bit, at the slowest pace possible.

  “Mom?”

  Vanessa and I looked up and spotted Faith, still in her pajamas, blonde hair in disarray, her honey-colored eyes blinking sleepily.

  The sight of my daughter felt like a relief. Despite all that had transpired this morning, I felt grateful she hadn’t been awake to see it unfold. She didn’t have to see Andrew angry with Ryan. “Good morning, sweetheart,” I said softly, opening my arms for her to hug me.

  She smiled and rushed to my open arms, hugging me tightly.

  I closed my eyes and sighed in satisfaction, knowing this hug was what I needed for what seemed to be a long morning.

  She jumped out of my arms and padded to the kitchen barefoot, opening the pantry door. Then, she turned back to look at me, a fruit loops box in her hands. “Oh, we are out of fruit loops.”

  “Well, we could go grocery shopping today, k?” I offered. It would be a good distraction for me anyway.

  Faith ended up eating oatmeal for a quick breakfast, then she rushed to shower and pack her things. She was going to sleepover at my parents' place for the night.

  Vanessa didn’t stay since we didn’t have to do any work for the day, so she took it as a day off. “If you want to talk about it, call me, okay? I’ll bring fish cake and soju.”

  I hugged my best friend tightly and she reciprocated the same tightness of the hug, knowing I needed it. It remained unclear to me why I was more bothered by the fact that Ryan left the way he did and what it meant. Although he had reassured me, I couldn’t help but be worried about what decision he would make with the situation at hand.

  Ryan grew up with his parents barely giving him any attention and he didn’t have any siblings. Andrew was like a brother to him and my parents had stood as his second set. My entire family meant something to Ryan. I didn’t know how my parents would react to me and Ryan being together. If they reacted negatively, Ryan had the chance of losing them.

  I didn’t think he would want to lose them at all.

  “Mom?” Faith and I were already on our way to the supermarket.

  I stopped at a stop sign and looked at her expectantly.

  “I had a dream earlier. It included a lot of screaming and arguing. Did you and Uncle Andrew fight?”

  I pursed my lips, my stomach flipping at the question. I smiled at her, tight-lipped, and shook my head. “No, we’re not, sweetheart.”

  If I told her that we had a misunderstanding, she would ask me what happened. I already had a lot on my plate. Faith didn’t press on the topic and quietly hummed to the music on the radio. We were near the supermarket when my phone rang and my heart somersaulted when I saw Ryan’s name. “Hello?”

  “Hey,” he said his voice slightly quiet. “Where are you?”

  I could practically hear the ‘we need to talk’ in his voice. “We’re at Rancher’s for groceries. I have Faith with me.”

  “Can you wait for me before you go in? I’m already on my way.”

  I could hear him instructing where to go to a taxi driver. “Okay, we’ll stay in the car.” I ended the call and parked the car.

  Faith leaned close to me, tapping my shoulder, asking if it was Ryan, and cheered when I told her he would be joining us.

  Ryan arrived
nearly ten minutes later and Faith ran out of the car to meet him.

  I watched from the driver’s seat as he picked her up from the ground, spun her a little, and then kissed the top of her head after setting her back down. Their relationship had only grown even stronger and deeper since Ryan and I began seeing each other. The fact that Ryan had always been over at our place had made this possible.

  But it wasn’t simply because he was good to her. I think the fact that Faith adored him, even more, was because he always made time for her. It wasn’t like his entire attention was fixed on me every time he came over. He always made sure he spent time with her first, whether it was biking around our street or playing board games with her at the treehouse.

  Ryan knocked on my side of the car and I rolled down the window. His lips twitched into a small, shy smile. “Hi. Aren’t you joining us?”

  I took off my seatbelt, grabbed my purse, and opened the door.

  Faith was skipping around the parking space and Ryan occasionally glanced at her to make sure she was okay. He stuffed his hands in his pockets as I locked the car and we made our way towards the entrance, Faith leading us.

  “Did you want to talk?” I asked him bluntly, glancing at him briefly.

  His mouth was set in a grim line. “I didn’t think the grocery store would be an appropriate venue but I also don’t think that it can wait any longer.”

  “Mom!” Faith called out. She was already at the entrance and pointing at the claw machine. She loved playing it.

  I was about to fish coins out of my purse when Ryan waved her over and handed her some.

  She ran back to the machine. She would be preoccupied and we had a couple of minutes to talk.

  “If you want to end this, just say it, Ryan.”

  “I don’t.”

  The two words stunned me and I stared at him.

  His green eyes remained steady and serious as he stared back at me. “I told you, shortcake, you’re the only person that I like this much. I’d be stupid if I let you go.”

  I blinked, unsure if I heard him correctly. “What did you just say?”

  He sighed, then held my face with both his hands. “What I’m saying, Kate is that I like you and I want to be with you. Your brother’s pissed at me but his anger will simmer down. Then he will come to terms with this. It doesn’t mean that we stop being together because Andrew is against it.” His thumb gently caressed my cheek.

  I felt my heart race. His lips were inches from mine and I badly wanted to kiss him, desperately wanted to. “Are you sure? Andrew’s your best friend and like a brother to you. You know how he can get when he’s angry. He can hold a grudge forever.”

  “I’ll do everything I can to make him see that I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered, eyes fixed on mine. “I know that’s what he wants for you. A guy who will never break your heart.”

  “But you’re Ryan Bell,” I said, teasingly.

  He chuckled. “And you’re the only girl allowed to break my heart.”

  God, I wanted to kiss him. I was about to as I placed a hand over his cheek then leaned close.

  “So, does this mean you’re dating?”

  We both turned to Faith who stared up at us with curious eyes. She was out of coins but she was holding a small stuffed Little Pony.

  Ryan pulled away from me and then knelt in front of her. “Would that be okay?”

  Faith looked thoughtful for a moment,

  Unconsciously, my heart raced. I was scared of how Faith might react. Specifically, if she was against it.

  Fortunately, Faith grinned and wrapped her small arms around Ryan tightly. “Of course! You can even marry her if you want!”

  Ryan almost choked on his chuckle and picked her up. “Let’s not get a little too ahead of ourselves, sweetheart.”

  Behind them, I grinned and shook my head at my daughter.

  Faith pouted.

  Ryan glanced at me, nodding slightly while smiling wide as he carried her inside the grocery.

  I watched them, the anxiety I felt this morning finally dissipating. I had prepared myself for the possibility that he would bring what we had to an end, because he was Ryan Bell.

  Now, it finally occurred to me why I’d felt anxious. I didn’t simply want Ryan for the sex and the companionship, it wasn’t because of the hormones and desire. I liked him. I liked his company and presence and I wanted to spend every single day with him by my side too, if the world allowed it.

  The last time I had this feeling was when I was seventeen. It had been as exhilarating as it was frightening. My heart was on the line again and if he wanted to, Ryan held it in his hand to break it any time he wanted. Despite knowing this, I was still willing to take the risk.

  I was willing to take the risk because it gave me the kind of happiness I hadn’t felt for a long time. That giddy and fluttery feeling of having someone by my side. I felt certain that nothing could ruin it.

  Maybe…I spoke too soon.

  “Kate?”

  I was about to enter the store when I heard my name being called. I knew that voice. I remembered that voice. Even if it had been years since I’d last heard it, every part of my body still remembered it, and automatically, my body reacted.

  Turning around, I faced him.

  His blonde hair was a little darker and cut shorter, making him look more like an adult. He was nowhere near the teenage boy that used to be the student body president of our high school. He had a five o'clock shadow on his face and I remembered how he used to whine about being unable to grow facial hair.

  But more than that, his eyes remained familiar, the color of them as sweet as honey.

  The man those eyes belonged to had been cruel enough to break me.

  Adam.

  21

  Ryan

  It’d been a week since I’d made it clear to Kate that I was staying by her side and everything felt like it was falling right into place.

  That is until I went to the hospital cafeteria for some snacks and spotted Andrew all by himself.

  He seemed to be immersed with the papers laid out on his table, head bowed down, and studying. He had his reading glasses on and continuously clicked on his pen, a mannerism he’d always had. It must’ve been a patient’s file and if he was so intent on it, the patient was important.

  With that in mind, I knew he needed chocolate pudding.

  When we were younger, every time we studied, Andrew always had chocolate pudding by his side. From middle school to medical school, it was like food for his brain. Seeing he had none on his table, he must’ve been too immersed with the file to remember to get himself one.

  “You didn’t have chocolate pudding on your table, so I thought it might help you think.”

  He didn’t even look up when I spoke. He continued to study the file, blatantly ignoring me.

  Pulling the chair out in front of him, I sat. “You can’t ignore me forever, Andrew.”

  “Carter Noles.”

  Carter was always his example. He was a friend of ours back in freshman year in high school and he stole Andrew’s girlfriend. Carter was a sly scumbag who’d only befriended us, so he could steal Andrew’s girl. He and the girl didn’t last long though and when he tried out for the basketball team when Andrew was captain, Andrew made sure he wouldn’t be picked.

  It’d been years but I knew Andrew would turn a blind eye on Carter if they bumped into each other on the street today. “I didn’t steal your girlfriend from you, Andrew.”

  “No, you did worse. You’re screwing with my sister.”

  I groaned. “We’re not in high school anymore or even in college, Andrew. Don’t you think we’re too old for the bro code?”

  Dating Kate was never something Andrew and I had discussed…ever. It never even came up in all the years we were friends because we both thought it was unlikely to happen. Kate and I never got along, so it wasn’t surprising for the idea to never occur to Andrew…part of the bro code, we never thought I would
ever violate.

  Andrew stopped clicking his pen, looked up, and met my eyes. His blue ones remained steady and unreadable. “You’re right we’re too old for a petty code, Ryan. That’s why it’s not about that.”

  “Then what’s it about?”

  Andrew paused, leaned back against his chair, crossed his arms over his chest, and regarded me carefully. “It’s you dating my sister, Ryan. You…my best friend. You… who’s like a brother to me. She could have anyone else in this world. Why did it have to be you?”

  Admittedly, his words stung. It was the first time, I truly felt Andrew’s judgment on me. Of all the people in the world, I thought would never judge my nature, it was him. “Is it because I’m a player and I used to break hearts?”

  I expected him to feel guilty but his glittery gaze remained steady. “You’re Ryan Bell, how did you expect me to react?”

  “Don’t you have even a little faith in me?”

  The cold in Andrew’s eyes faltered, softening a little, revealing how hurt he was with the situation. “That’s not it, Ryan. I’ve always had faith that you’d change your ways.”

  Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, I stared at him questioningly. “Then why are you throwing a tantrum over the fact that I’m with Kate?”

  “It’s the fact that when you both end up breaking each other’s hearts, whose side am I supposed to be on? Whose heart am I meant to fix and who am I meant to hate? You’ve put me in a predicament that I’ve never expected to be in. I’m on middle ground, Ryan, and you didn’t even bother asking me if it was okay with me. That. That’s what bothers me the most.” He began to gather the papers on the table. He paused and stared at the chocolate pudding for a moment.

  I felt a little hopeful that he would take it.