by Marie Force
"Ditto," Chip said with a stormy look at Ted as he led Elise from the room. "Nice job."
Caroline fell into the chair Smitty had vacated and sobbed. When she looked up a few minutes later Ted was gone.
Chapter 37
Ted's alarm woke Caroline at five o'clock the next morning. She raised herself up on one elbow as he got out of bed. They had exchanged few words since he had come back for her two hours after he left her crying in his father's study the day before. She had no idea where he had been for all that time. "What are you doing?" she asked, pushing the hair back from her face.
"Going to work."
"Why?"
"Um, because I have to. I've taken way too much time off lately."
"Ted, you just buried your grandmother yesterday and got married four days before that. I don't think anyone expects you to go to work today."
"Kids with cancer don't really care too much about those things," he said, opening his closet door.
"Does being crappy to me make you feel better? What happened to 'we're in this together' and 'we're going to get through this'? What happened to 'fight, Caroline' and 'step toward me, not away from me'?"
He came out of his closet, went into the bathroom, and shut the door.
Caroline fell back against the pillow and hurt when she remembered sitting on the counter to watch him shave just a week ago. Was that all they were ever going to have? One beautiful, magical week?
He emerged from the bathroom showered, shaved, and dressed twenty minutes later.
"How long is this going to go on, Ted?"
He looped his hospital ID around his neck. "Well, let's see, I've lost my grandmother and my three best friends in the last few days. You'll have to excuse me if I don't have a timetable for how long it's going to take me to get over that."
Caroline winced. "I sure do wish I'd seen this side of you before I said 'I do.'"
"Too bad it's legal, huh?" he asked, tossing clothes into a duffel bag.
"Are you trying to hurt me? Is that your goal? Because if it is, it's working."
"No." He stopped moving all of a sudden, as if she had finally managed to penetrate the wall he had erected between them. "No, it's not."
She flew out of bed and went to him. "Ted, honey, please. Let's not self-destruct in the midst of all of this. Please. I want my husband back."
A look of utter despondency crossed his handsome face. "I have no idea where he is right now."
With her hands on his face she forced him to look at her. "He can have all the time he needs to get through this as long as he isn't shitty to me in the meantime. I put up with that once before, Ted, and I won't do it again. Not even for you."
His arms encircled her as he finally broke down.
She eased him onto the bed and held him close.
"I thought I'd be able to handle it. I really did," he said between gut-wrenching sobs. "I think I could've handled their anger and their disapproval, but I never imagined it would mess things up between the three of them, too. I never saw that coming."
"I didn't either."
"I don't know what to do, and I'm never in a situation where I don't know what to do."
"Do you want to know what I think?"
He nodded.
"It's going to take some time. It might be a month. It might be six months. It might be a year. But you guys will find your way back to each other."
Ted shook his head. "We've never had so much as an argument in all these years. I can't see us getting past this."
"Do you want me here, Ted? If it's too much for you to deal with a new marriage on top of everything else, I can go back to New York until you feel better. I'd rather do that than stay here and watch something so beautiful turn to shit."
"No, I don't want you to go." He combed his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry for being such an asshole."
"I've been having the most awful feeling that I might've made a huge mistake here."
"You haven't, baby," he whispered as he kissed her. "You haven't."
Tears filled her eyes. "I love you so much. I can't stand all this distance between us."
"I love you, too." He kissed her again, more seriously this time, and the heat between them resurfaced with a new intensity. "I'm on duty tonight, so I'm going to stay at the hospital. When I get home tomorrow afternoon, we can go to New York to see your parents, okay?"
She wiped her face and nodded. "Call me tonight?"
"I will. Are you going to be okay here by yourself?"
"Of course. Besides, I need to give Cameron some attention," she said with a teasing smile.
He returned her smile with a weak one of his own.
"Are we going to be all right, Ted?"
"I'm going to try," he said. "I'm going to try as hard as I can to give you what you need."
"That's all I can ask."
* * *
And he tried. God bless him, he tried. He poured on the charm for her parents, who professed instant approval of Ted and Caroline's marriage and got busy planning a small Labor Day weekend wedding at their country club in Saratoga Springs.
When Ted and Caroline returned home to Boston, Ted worked at being the best possible husband he could be to Caroline. They laughed and talked and made love. Every night he read what she had written that day and made astute, insightful comments that made the book better than it would have been otherwise. They went shopping for a car for her and decided on an SUV. "One of us should have a backseat for when we get to number seven on the list," he had said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes the way it used to.
She got her cast off the second week in August, attended physical therapy, and slowly began to run again—at first by herself and then with him as she was able to increase her pace.
They didn't hear a word from Smitty, Parker, or Chip, and neither of them ever mentioned it.
As August faded into the first of September and they headed back to New York for their wedding, Caroline had to acknowledge that no matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard they both tried, the magic was gone and everyone was trying far too hard.
The night before the wedding, her parents had his family over to their home for dinner. Ted met Caroline's best friend Tiffany and her family as well as Caroline's brother and sister and their families. In town from California for the wedding, her towheaded nephews kept everyone laughing and helped to ease any remaining tension that might have existed between the two families.
After Ted's family had returned to their hotel for the night, Caroline found him sitting by himself on her parents' back deck. She slid onto his lap and put her arms around him. "Hi," she said with a light kiss.
He curved a hand around her hip. "Hi, there."
"What are you doing out here all by yourself?"
"Nothing special."
After they had watched the stars in silence for several minutes, she turned to him. "May I say something?"
He nodded and seemed surprised when she welled up with tears. "Hey, what's this? What's wrong, hon?"
"I want you to listen and not say anything until I'm done, okay?"
"Okay."
"We don't have to do this tomorrow." When he started to protest, she stopped him with a kiss. "You're listening, remember?" Once she had his attention again, she forced herself to continue. "I love you, Ted. I love everything about you. I love your smile." She traced his lips with her finger. "I love talking to you about everything and nothing. I love that you're the smartest person I've ever known. I love the way you feel and the way you look. I love making love with you, and I even love the way you've tried so hard to hide your pain from me." She brushed another kiss across his lips. "In fact, I love you enough to let you go if you just don't have it in you to do this tomorrow. I love you that much. So I'm giving you an out." She rested her hand over his heart. "If you're not feeling it anymore then let me go. I'd much prefer that to standing up there with you tomorrow and wondering if you're doing it just because you'd never put m
e through another cancelled wedding."
He rested his forehead against hers. "Am I allowed to talk now?"
She laughed through her tears and nodded.
"I never imagined I'd get so lucky to have someone who loves all those things about me. I love all the same things about you and so many others it would take me all night to list them for you. I appreciate what you're trying to do here, honey, but I don't want out. I want in. I want to be able to go home the day after tomorrow and check number two off our list. I know things have been off between us over the last month. I know that. And I'm working on it. I promise you I'm working on trying to get used to my life the way it is now."
"That you traded them for me, you mean."
"I don't see it that way."
"But that's what happened."
"I don't want to think about it that way."
"You must be thinking about it some. You're about to get married without them here with you. I can't imagine how that must feel. I know how I'd feel if Tiffany wasn't here."
"You asked me if I wanted out, and I'm telling you I don't. What I do want is for us to have this day tomorrow without any clouds hanging over it. I don't want anything to spoil it for you."
"What about you?"
"I'll be fine, baby. As long as I look up and see you coming toward me on the arm of your father, I promise you I'll be just fine."
While she believed him, she wished he had used a different word.
* * *
Their wedding was beautiful and elegant and sweet because of all the people who were there—and bittersweet because of all the people who weren't. Ted's brother-in-law served as his best man. Her sister Courtney and best friend Tiffany were Caroline's attendants. The bride and groom danced to the Lifehouse song, "You and Me," that they had listened to after their first wedding, cut their cake, and Caroline threw her bouquet.
After spending their second wedding night in a rustic Saratoga Springs inn, they went home to Boston and began making plans for a honeymoon in the Bahamas and to move Caroline out of her apartment in New York. They opened a joint checking account, legally changed her name, and got her a Massachusetts driver's license. In late September, they visited Tish and Steven in the hospital after their daughter, Lillian Elizabeth Spencer, was born weighing just over nine pounds.
They had four bright red check marks on their list by mid-October when they received an invitation to Chip and Elise's Thanksgiving weekend wedding in New York City. Elise had enclosed a note that said, "Please come. I know Chip wants you there even if he's too stubborn to say so. I love you both, and I miss you. Please come." The invitation sat on the counter untouched until the RSVP date approached and Caroline asked Ted what he wanted to do about it.
"Do you mind sending them something fabulous? I wouldn't have any idea what to get, but you would know."
"What do I say in the card?"
"That we wish them all the best?"
"Ted, why don't we go?" she pleaded. "He knows she invited us. Let's go."
He shook his head. "I can't."
"Would you go alone?"
"You're my wife, Caroline. I'm not going to a wedding without you. I don't care whose wedding it is."
"You're sweet to say that, but if it meant an opportunity for you to patch things up with them, my feelings wouldn't be hurt if you went without me."
"I'm not going to bring all that tension to Chip's wedding. He doesn't need that."
"Okay, but if you change your mind, remember it's fine with me if you go alone."
"I'm not going to change my mind."
Mitzi surprised them when she called the first week in November to invite them to Sunday dinner. While Ted wouldn't have used the word "estranged" to describe his recent relationship with his mother, it certainly wasn't what it used to be. So they were relieved when she reached out to them.
Over dinner Mitzi asked if they were going to Chip's wedding.
"No, we're not," Ted said.
"This whole thing is crazy, Ted," Mitzi said. "How long are you going to let it go on?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Mother."
"Do you even know about Smitty?"
Ted put down his fork. "What about him?"
"Mitzi," Ed warned. "Don't."
"Why not, Ed? He needs to know his actions have consequences." She turned back to Ted. "He married some girl he met in Sydney."
"What?" Ted whispered as if he hadn't heard her right the first time.
"He got married two weeks ago, and he's moving to Sydney to run her family's business. He's resigned his partnership at the brokerage."
Ted got up and left the room.
Caroline tossed her napkin onto the table and went after him. She found him in his father's study and couldn't help but remember the disaster that had occurred the last time they were in that room. Her stomach knotted with tension and a terrible sense of foreboding. With her hand on his shoulder, she said, "Ted?"
He turned to her, and with one look at his face she knew their marriage was over. There'd be no more fighting for it, no more trying. No more of anything. He wasn't going to be able to forgive himself. "Can we leave?" he asked. "Please."
"Yes. Of course."
During the long, silent ride home, Caroline tried to calm her queasy stomach and frantic nerves. She glanced over at him and found him staring at the road. If he blinked, she didn't see it.
He opened the door to the condo and held it for her so she could go in ahead of him.
"Ted, honey, let's talk about it. Come on."
"There's nothing to talk about." He took the stairs two at a time on his way to the loft.
She followed him.
In their bedroom, he pulled out a duffel bag and began to pack.
"Where are you going?"
"To the hospital tonight. Tomorrow I'm going to accept the job in New Hampshire. I'll be moving up there."
"By yourself?"
"Yes. I need some time, Caroline."
She swallowed hard. "How much time?"
"I don't know."
"It's not your fault. He's a grown man, Ted. He made his own decisions, and it has nothing to do with you."
"Do you honestly believe that? You don't know him at all, Caroline! You were with him for six fucking weeks. He was my best friend for twenty years! I'm telling you there's no way he's going to just get married. Not after what went down between him and Cherie. There's also no way he leaves New York and quits a partnership he spent the better part of a decade slaving for. So if you want to be naïve enough to think what we did to him has nothing to do with the choices he's making now, you're deluding yourself!"
"Why does it have to be the end for us?"
"Because it was one thing when our relationship was ruining friendships. That was bad enough. It's another thing altogether when it's ruining lives. I can't live with that, and every time I look at you that's all I'm going to see."
She took a step back from him, feeling as if he had hit her. "If you do this to me, Ted, if you leave me, I'll never be able to put the pieces back together. Never. Not this time."
He had tears in his eyes when he said, "We asked for too much."
"No," she sobbed. "No. We asked for just enough."
"Too many people got hurt, Caroline. How do we go forward knowing we hurt so many people?"
"How do we go forward alone after everything we've had together?"
"I can't stay here. I just can't be with you right now." He picked up his bag and left the room.
She followed him down the stairs. "Now or ever?"
"I don't know. I'll let you know where I am."
"Ted, please. Don't do anything tonight. Let's talk this out."
He dropped his bag by the door and reached for his keys. "You once called me a good boy. Do you remember that?"
"Of course I do! You're the best boy I've ever known."
"You're right. I am. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so good. Sometimes I wish I'd been born with the 'fuck it' gene.
It certainly would've made my life a whole lot easier. But since the words 'fuck it' aren't in my vocabulary, I do what's expected of me, and I follow the right path. When my sister was strung out on drugs for ten years, I was finishing college and going to medical school. And now my mother can barely look at me. I took something that didn't belong to me, and people got hurt—people who mean the world to me. The 'good boy' can't live with that. I thought I could. I really thought I could. But tonight I discovered I can't. I'm sorry."
"What am I supposed to do?" she cried as he reached for his bag. "Where am I supposed to go while you're taking 'time'?"
"This place is all yours. You've got access to money. Use it for whatever you need."
"You made promises to me, Ted. Twice you promised to stand by me and to love me for the rest of your life."
His eyes were sad as he brushed his index finger over her cheek. "And I will, baby. I'll always love you. Love's never been the problem for us, has it?" He picked up his bag and was gone before she could think of what to say to stop him.
Chapter 38
Ted spent most of that long night composing a letter to his patients and their families. As he deleted one draft after another, he heard Joey Gaither's weak voice telling him to keep fighting, to not give up. "I'm sorry, buddy," Ted whispered to the empty room. "But I'm all out of fight."
By six o'clock the next morning, he had a letter he could live with and saved it onto his flash drive. After he spent a couple of hours catching up on a mountain of paperwork he'd let slide, he took the flash drive and another letter he had printed with him to the elevator.
Outside Martin Nickerson's office, Ted waited for Marty's assistant to get off the phone.
"Hi, Ted."
"Is he available?"
"He's in a meeting, but it's nothing you can't interrupt. Go on in."
"Thanks, Patty." Ted knocked and went into Marty's office.
"Hey, Ted, come in. Dr. Ted Duffy meet Dr. Aanandita Ramji. She's just agreed to join our team as an attending. She'll be taking some of the pressure off you and Roger."
Ted shook her hand.
