One Last Letter

by Pema Donyo

  She scoffed. “Missing me isn’t enough. You never asked to court me. You never admitted you felt anything for me. I was not even sure if you considered us friends.”

  “No, Eve.” His voice was low, and the rumble of his tone made her knees quiver. “We can never be just friends. For us, it’s all or nothing.”

  She took a step back. “What about Annie?”

  He furrowed his brow. “What about her?”

  “She thinks she’s going to marry you, and you do not even care about her feelings.”

  Jesse narrowed his eyes. “Hold on a minute. I said nothing to her about marriage. I took her to this wedding, and that was all.”

  Evelyn had to admit to herself Annie was prone to delusions. Annie always assumed too much from her relationships with men. But how could she be the reason her friend experienced another heartbreak?

  He placed his calloused hands on her arms. His touch made her body want to sink into his embrace, to clasp her arms around his neck as he held her waist. “Evelyn, I have enough money saved up from California. I can support you. You don’t have to marry anyone else.”

  She steeled her shoulders. “You told me to think about if I could go back in time to that day when you left for California.”

  “I remember.”

  “You asked me if I would have run away with you. You asked me if I would give up my family, my friends, my ranch, everything I knew for you. I could not answer then, but I know what my answer would be now.”

  Jesse remained as still as a statue. She swore if she dropped a needle, the sound would echo off the walls of the parlor.

  “My answer would be no.”

  His shoulders slumped.

  She continued, unfazed by his reaction. “Annie told me love creates a home. She is right. I love my family, I love my friends, I love taking care of Breighton and watching the ranch prosper. I have traveled to the East Coast and will not go another day without seeing a Texas sunset. If you really loved me, you would not ask me to leave my home for you.”

  “I never did ask,” he muttered.

  “Because you already knew what my answer would be.” She pressed her lips together. Evelyn could feel him slipping away from her, like a thread that was slowly stretching taut. “You already knew I would not follow you. I used to think I would. I thought I would have followed you anywhere, done anything as long as it was with you.”

  “You could still pursue a career if you came with me. You could leave Breighton.”

  A lump formed at the back of throat. “I wanted that life once. But I want to help run Breighton now. That’s my future.”

  “Is there a place for me in that future?”

  Evelyn blinked back the tear that was threatening to fall down her cheek. “No. My place is here, whether or not you decide to stay.”

  Jesse remained silent. He walked over to the window, as if he’d spotted something odd. The translucent curtain was drawn back. When he finally spoke, his voice was gruff. “You’ve made your choice, it seems. He’s here.”

  He walked out of the doorway just as John Cooper stepped in. She held her breath as he brushed past John without so much as a glance.

  The moment Jesse left the room, she finally let her tears fall. John was bent over with her in a moment. She felt his arms wrap around her chest. He shushed her, wiping away her tears with the backs of his hands. “What’s wrong, darlin’? I saw your horse hitched up in front of Loretta’s house and thought there might be trouble.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Trouble? What trouble?”

  “Jesse Greenwood. That man is nothing but quick on the draw. The cowboy just made you cry, didn’t he?”

  “Oh, he would not look for such trouble.” Evelyn pulled away. This was ridiculous. Was her choice really John? The more time she spent with him, the more time she spent avoiding him. He hadn’t even responded to her letter.

  John watched her as if afraid she would burst into hysterics at any moment. “Sure doesn’t look like nothing.”

  “Why did you never respond to my letter?”

  He blinked. “Letter? What letter?”

  “The one I left for you in the knothole.” She said her words with a deliberate slowness. An uneasy feeling settled over her while she studied his shocked expression with a wary eye. “I was replying to the one you left for me.”

  “Why would I leave you a letter in a tree?” John laughed.

  “You said you wrote them.”

  The laughter stopped. “Don’t shoot your mouth off, Evelyn. I can see you whenever I want.”

  “No.” Her voice was hard. “It’s not nonsense. The day I gave you permission to court me, I saw you reading my letter. That letter was a reply to the ones I was receiving. You said you were the man writing them to me.”

  He continued to stare blankly for several moments, and then his eyes lit up in understanding. “Oh, that was so long ago, I forgot about that.” He sputtered, looking around the room as if the walls would provide him with the right words to say. “How am I supposed to remember a few measly letters? I could have written them if you’d asked me to.”

  She couldn’t believe her ears. All this time, she’d been justifying her alliance with John based on his respectable, honest disposition. “Answer my question: Did you write the letters?”

  He made a halting motion with his hand, as if it would stop her from figuring him out. “Now before you start accusing me of lying—”

  Wind whooshed past Evelyn’s ears.

  He wasn’t honest at all. She’d fallen for all his soft solder. “You did not write those letters, did you?”

  “Let’s not start a little fuss.” He held out both his hands now, as if trying to calm a bucking horse. “Lying about the letters was just my way of showing I care about you. What does it matter if I wrote you or not?”

  Foolishness washed over Evelyn in choppy waves. She suddenly felt like hand-blown glass, completely transparent and completely breakable. How could she have been so blind?

  “I was beginning my courtship with you through those letters.”

  “Oh, that is rich! I do not wish to begin anything with you anymore. You lied to me.”

  “So? What’s a little lie here and there compared to a lifetime of marriage?” He reached out and grasped her hand. She recoiled from his touch as if he were a rattler. “With my parents’ money, and your father’s land, we’ll be the richest couple in all of Hamilton.”

  Her heart sank. Wrong, that’s what she’d been. She’d been all wrong about him.

  “Besides wealth, what else do you love about me?”

  He let out a low laugh, as if she was being ridiculous. “Don’t catch me off guard like that, dearest Evelyn. You love my wealth as well.”

  She hadn’t really known John at all. And he certainly didn’t know her.

  “Social class and riches do not concern me. I care about my ranch, and I do not want to marry anyone who is only looking to exploit it through the alliance.”

  John huffed, as if she’d deeply offended him. “Exploit? We would merely be using your land as another source of income. No one said anything about exploiting.”

  “Is this why you wanted to marry me all this time?”

  “Why do you think I waited so long?” John placed his hands on his hips like a petulant child. Even through his annoyance, he still looked handsome in that classic way, the kind girls immortalized in dime novels about selfless and handsome heroes. To think she’d once believed he had the personality of one as well. “We are the most suited for each other in this town. Everyone else is beneath us.”

  She’d been so blind. “Beneath us? You wanted to court me because you believed the other girls were socially inferior?”

  He stiffened. “It’s about what’s proper. Don’t you care about marrying within your social class?”

  “I do not care a continental about class.” Her lip curled in disgust. “Was everything else a lie as well? You said you cared for me.”

  “A
nd I do.” John looked at her as if she was a fool. “A marriage is a merger. People like us don’t marry for love, or care for people because we want to. We marry who’s respectable. We love who’s respectable.”

  “Would you still want to be with me if my family didn’t own Breighton?”

  John huffed in indignation.

  Evelyn shook her head. “I never want to see you again, John Cooper. You are never welcome to Breighton.”

  He dusted off his coat and sneered at her. “You’ll regret this, Evelyn. You should have been honored I was still interested in you. No one else in this town will have you.”

  She watched him unhitch his horse and ride away from the house as quickly as he could. The image of his retreating form brought nothing but a sigh of relief when he was finally gone.

  Regret turning him down? Somehow, she didn’t think she would.

  But she did feel played out after that exchange. At least she didn’t have to worry about that mudsill again.

  She waited in Loretta’s house by the window for a few more hours, hoping Jesse would return. Surely once he’d cooled down he’d return to Loretta’s house. She didn’t know why she waited for him, exactly. After the last heated exchange, there wasn’t much else to say.

  But she couldn’t suppress the overwhelming urge in her chest to see him again.

  • • •

  Dearest love,

  I reckon it’s time I stepped out of the shadows and revealed who’s been writing these letters to you. Judging from your choice of John Cooper, you’ve probably seen these letters as just an amusement to pass the time. But if you have found any joy in reading my words, then writing these letters has been time well spent.

  I never did break my promise to keep writing to you. Yesterday in the gazebo was one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I’d face any outlaw in a duel if only to kiss you. I thought I’d never taste your sweet lips again. Half of my mind knew you’d respond; the other half knew you’d step back. But if you’re going to spend a lifetime with another man, the least I wanted was a small kiss before I never saw you again.

  I started these letters as a way to express myself to you. You keep saying I never said anything, I never told you . . . I did, Eve. I just didn’t have the courage to say it under my name. Every compliment, every sweet remark, every word of these letters still rings true.

  I’m not much for talking. Seeing you in person always seems to keep me tongue-tied and unable to say what I want. These letters were my way to speak to you. You’ve always been wonderful with words, but so is John. He’s the smooth talker you want. Not me.

  You’re right. I didn’t ask you to leave with me for California because I knew you wouldn’t go. That’s one of the parts of your personality I love the most, Eve. You’re strong. You have been dedicated to managing the ranch. You have a spark inside you, a fire that makes decisions with confidence and sticks with them till the end.

  But I didn’t start this letter to start jawing with praise. This is my last letter to you, Eve. I’m writing this letter to say goodbye. I’ve overstayed my welcome in Hamilton under your roof. It gets harder and harder every day to see John place his arm around yours. Pretty soon you’ll marry him. Call me weak if you want, but I can’t stand to see you in his arms in your wedding gown.

  I can’t even stay here long enough to see you look at him the way you once looked at me.

  You keep referencing the past between us, bringing up all the memories I once tried to forget. I attempt to shrug them off most of the time, pretend like I don’t know what you’re talking about. I lied, Eve. I never forgot. When I left for California, the only thought that kept me going forward was the incentive that I’d get rich for you, that I’d come back for you. I did become rich, but then I became scared.

  I was terrified of returning for you and then leaving without you, as I do now. Every day I worked in California, I repeated a different memory I had of you in my mind. I imagined that night in the gazebo, when you taught me how to dance. I remembered that time in the corral, when I taught you how to saddle a horse. I thought of those late nights out on the pastures when I was just fifteen, and we taught each other how to love.

  You taught me how to trust someone.

  Can’t blame me for leaving when you shattered the trust between us. I blamed you then, but I won’t now. You’ve moved on with your life, and I can’t hold you back.

  Sorry about the lying, by the way. I know you keep jawing about how honest and decent John is. I’m happy you’ve found a man who would never lie to you.

  Yet I can’t imagine you finding a man who loves you more than I do.

  Jesse

  He signed the letter and sealed it in an envelope. Jesse stood up from the oak rocker and placed the envelope between the two posts. After reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the honeysuckle he’d plucked on the way back to the ranch. He wondered if she’d even bother to look at the letter, now that she’d chosen John. She might just burn it.

  He jumped from the porch down to the dirt ground, landing with a plume of dust covering his boots. Had he packed everything? He walked over to the wagon, checking to make sure all his items were secured. It was nearly time to go now. He lifted a few more boxes from the ground and into the wagon.

  He stood back, trying to think of anything he’d neglected to bring for the journey back to California. The horses were bridled, and the saddle was in place.

  “Forget anything?”

  Jesse turned around to face Mr. Lancaster. The boss’s arms were folded over his chest, and he leaned his long frame against one of the white porch posts instead of his usual cane.

  “Glad to see your illness has passed, sir.”

  “You’re forgettin’ to say your goodbyes, Mr. Greenwood.”

  Jesse approached Mr. Lancaster. The porch floorboards creaked underneath his weight as he stood before him. “You don’t need me around the ranch anymore.”

  Mr. Lancaster placed both of his hands on Jesse’s shoulders. “I used to want you out of this house more than anything.”

  Jesse squared his shoulders. “Sir . . .”

  “And now, I would do anything within my power to make you stay.”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “Reckon I’m more of a nuisance than a help here to some people.”

  Mr. Lancaster clucked his tongue. “You know as well as I that the only person you’re referring to is Evelyn.” He shook his head. “She doesn’t see you as a nuisance, Jesse. Far from it. The girl’s balled up, that’s all. Twenty-three and she still can’t make up her mind.”

  “Make up her mind about what, sir?”

  Mr. Lancaster gave a sly smile. “About whether to admit now she’s loved you all her life, or admit it to you later.”

  He nearly stepped backward in surprise. Jesse thought back to her refusal of him—two refusals in two days, actually. He reckoned it was better her father didn’t find out about the kiss, though. “I talked to her today, and she said her place was here. She has no interest in going out further west.”

  “Your place is here, too.” Mr. Lancaster nodded, a mixture of newfound respect and friendliness in his eyes. Jesse could still remember when those eyes had flashed a warning. Time changed all of them. “You know it as well as I. You saved this ranch when you had every reason not to.”

  “Anyone would have.”

  “Not just anyone. You’re a man I can tie to. I’m proud to know you.”

  “I’m just used to being a granger, that’s all. I’ve wound up my business here, Mr. Lancaster. I should be heading out.”

  “No matter what those folks in California may offer you, your home is here at Breighton.”

  Well, it wouldn’t be his home anymore if John Cooper moved in. The thought of Eve and her flannel-mouthed future fiancé made him scowl.

  “If this is about that Mr. Cooper, I doubt her courtship with him will last long,” Mr. Lancaster said.

  Jesse couldn’t suppress the curiosity
in his tone. “Why not?”

  “Because she loves you. She always has. She always will.” Mr. Lancaster chuckled. “I remember when I was like you, wanting to separate my daughter and you the same way you wanted to separate Preston and Loretta. You can scold them all you want till you’re blue in the face, but love won’t listen to anybody.”

  His throat was dry. “I told her I loved her, sir. She didn’t seem to feel the same.”

  Mr. Lancaster pressed his mouth into a firm line. He held his palm out, and Jesse shook his hand with a firm grip. “Which way you headed?”

  “Stopping at Raleigh for the night. Then I’ll head on over the border.”

  “That’s a mighty long ride you got there before sunset.” He tipped his hat at Jesse. “I wish you well, Jesse Greenwood. Breighton is always open to you.”

  Jesse nodded and headed back onto the driver’s seat of the wagon. He’d barely just gripped the reins when Mr. Lancaster called out, “Don’t you want to wait to say goodbye to Evelyn?”

  As if she’d even want to see him again. He glanced over at the tree where he’d placed the envelope. The bright honeysuckle covered the edges of the letter, but her name could still be clearly seen through the petals.

  One last letter.

  “I’ve already said goodbye to her, sir.”

  • • •

  Evelyn slowed her horse to a halt in front of Annie Inglewood.

  “Annie?”

  It sure looked like Annie, but at the same time this girl was acting nothing like her. Annie’s shoulders were slumped, and she sat on the bench in front of the general store with a resignation Evelyn had never seen in her friend before.

  Annie looked up at the sound of her name and perked up her shoulders when she saw Evelyn. She smoothed out the front of her dress.

  Evelyn stepped down out of the stirrups and off of the saddle, frowning. “Why do you look so upset?”

  “He doesn’t care for me.” Annie shook her head. Her voice sounded thick, like she was stifling tears. “Jesse doesn’t care for me after all. It was all a delusion. So much for being sweethearts.”

  Evelyn pursed her lips. As much as she wanted to remind Annie that she’d just seen him a few days ago and had spent only a few hours with him, her friend’s defeated expression stopped her.