The Swedish Way to Parent and Play
Page 8
Encourage all children, especially girls, to compete with and challenge each other. It’s fun and increases independence.
When girls start talking about best friends, explain that it’s possible to have several best friends and many different buddies. With some friends, it might be fun to climb trees, with others it might be more fun to play games.
Take an active role in supervising children when they play. If a child is excluded or often seems stuck in the same role, join in and top off their creativity with some new ideas. A “dog” can instead be an aunt who has just returned from a trip, and a “baby” can be a scary monster breathing fire. Explain to your child that conflicts are a natural part of human interaction; they arise because we’re all different, and we have different ideas and feelings. Since we can’t read each other’s minds, conflicts will arise. Conflicts aren’t dangerous; we can think of them as a way of finding out about our differences.
Let all children, especially girls, practice making their own choices. Ask every child what they want to do and let them practice explaining their choices.
• What is good about your choice?
• What are you thinking right now?
Use the word different often and in positive contexts. That helps show your child that diversity is good and doesn’t have to be scary.
• Look how different they are!
• Look, you have two different gloves. Fun!
• There’s no right way. Some people like to sleep with a blanket and some people like to sleep without.
• You can do it your way, and I’ll do it mine! Yay!
I’m Not Welcome
“I can tell that Tim wants to play with the girls, but he doesn’t really seem to know how to approach them.”
—jenny, parent of a three-year-old
“Rosa often says that the boys won’t let her play with them. Even though the adults have told them to include her, they still won’t.”
—darko, parent of a four-year-old
“We don’t want to play with boys. They don’t know how to play.”
“But you play with Sebastian. He’s a boy.”
“But we just play monsters with him. Girls play harder games.”
Many games have subtle rules that can be hard to spot, secret codes for how to gain access. The trick may be knowing how to play or what the purpose is. Sometimes, the secret code is very strict and limited; sometimes, the game is more welcoming and open. In some games, children are supposed to ask if they can join, be assigned a role, and then start playing. In other games, they have to bring something in order to be able to play, and in some, you just kind of shout out and join in. Children can also come up with their own roles and step into the imaginary world of the game. For adults, we talk about social competence and the ability to read a room or know what’s appropriate in various contexts. It’s not that easy for children. Those who don’t know the invisible rules or aren’t that good at reading them often don’t understand what they’re doing wrong and why they’re being excluded.
When we claim that children choose their own playmates and their own games, we step into a trap. We can’t see that we’re not providing them with the same opportunities to play with each other. The more gender-segregated their playing, the greater the likelihood that they will develop distinct sets of rules and norms for how to play. It’s easy for them to get stuck in limited roles and assume that playing has to be done the way they’re used to. This makes them less able to get to know others and find new friends.
Suggestions
Let children have friends outside of preschool. Your child’s BFF from preschool doesn’t have to come along for swimming lessons. There will be new friends to make at the pool. Being a part of multiple social contexts is a good thing: it lets a child try out a new way of interacting.
Friends don’t necessarily have to be other children. Adults, animals, and imaginary friends are good candidates, too.
If your child has a hard time approaching other children, talk about how there are different ways of becoming friends, and that it’s okay to experiment. Sometimes, it works to simply start playing next to someone or to walk up to them and say, Hi! Do you want to play with me? At other times, a child will need to have figured out a role for themselves in order to join. Practice these different scenarios to minimize any drama and give your child the confidence to try it out for real.
But We’re Just Playing Around!
“My child spends the whole day at preschool scared of being drawn into a ‘play-fight.’ But he says he’s afraid of saying no, too.”
—vladimir, parent of a five-year-old
“When my child started in the big-kids’ room, the playing was very different. It was all yelling and wrestling and pushing and shoving.”
—miriam, parent of a five-year-old
“It’s a very difficult thing, with boys. We don’t really know what to do when they’re shoving each other really hard like that when they play. They’re all included, and no one’s crying, so I guess it’s okay?”
—ida, teacher
Boys are exposed to more violence than girls, and adults often see this violence taking place. When a group of boys are pushing and tackling each other until they fall down, or pile on to each other until someone starts crying, it often takes a long time for adults to do anything about it. What are we telling children when we let them carry on until someone starts crying? What would we do if it were a group of girls who were kicking each other? One important reason that boys are exposed to more violence committed by other boys and that we think of it as natural is related to ideas about “manliness.” Manliness entails being invincible and tough. Instead of the adults intervening, the behavior is explained as “boys being boys” or “they need to test their limits.”
Why is it that so few girls test their limits in this way? If girls were to start knocking each other down or tackling each other roughly, there’s a pretty good chance that adults would intervene and tell them to find something else to do. But when boys do it, many adults are uncertain whether it’s okay to step in. Is it really such a big deal? they wonder while trying to remember what it was like when they were little. Boys fought back then, too, and nothing bad happened, right?
When we ignore playing that involves violence, we normalize violence precisely because we choose to see it as a game and not as violence. Meanwhile, the home, playground, and preschool are supposed to be safe and secure places for everyone. No one should have to be afraid of being hit or pushed. Imagine if we adults were shoved roughly when we arrive at work or kicked in the shins at lunch? Another big factor is that much of children’s culture that targets boys, from movies to games, involves a lot of violence. In Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Star Wars, the fight against evil takes a decidedly more brutal form than in Bamse, even if Bamse the bear is resorting to rougher and rougher tactics these days. Those narratives rarely focus on being kind or listening and respecting each other’s limits.
In order for physical games to work, children need to know that there are still rules. And they need to be open to learning those rules and stopping what they’re doing before they go too far. Instead of assuming that they’ll learn where the limits are when they go too far, when someone has collapsed and is crying, we need to understand that certain games are tied to maturity. We don’t let young kids drive and then start talking about where the limits are once they’ve crashed.
Suggestions
Organize wrestling games and play tug-of-war and other games where all children can test their physical strength in a safe environment, with an adult who will intervene before it’s too late. That way, children can practice fine-tuning their own strength and understanding each other’s feelings without it all going too far.
Always say something when children are fighting, even if they say they’re just playing.
If you don’t know what to say when children are play-fighting, fighting, or pushing each other, you can simply say:
• Stop that.
• It’s not okay for you to be fighting.
You don’t have to provide a long explanation about why it’s not okay.
Every now and then, ask children if they’ve been pushed, kicked, or anything like that. Ask them how they felt when it happened. Introduce a zero-tolerance policy for behavior that can harm others. Explain to children why it’s important not to harm anyone, even in a game. And teach them words they can use to stop what’s happening if they end up in that situation.
Have children practice resisting. If someone pushes them, they don’t have to push back. If someone says something mean, they don’t have to say something mean back. But in order not to, they need strategies. Talk to children and prepare them for what they can do instead. For instance, they can say: Stop it! I don’t like it when you do that! And then leave.
Teach children to fold their arms across their chests to help them stop themselves from hitting back.
Teach children to speak out if they see someone who is fighting. It’s important to understand that you are part of what’s happening if you are standing by and watching, even if you’re not active. This offers an opportunity to talk with children about moral courage and why it’s important.
As an adult, be clear about rejecting all forms of violence by always taking action in incidents that involve violence. This shows the child who’s subjected to violence and the child who’s perpetrating it that violence is not okay.
Soccer or Ballet
“We practice soccer together every day. He’s developing an amazing shot.”
—john, parent of a four-year-old
“I really hope Nillan wants to take up riding when she’s a little older. Horses are so sweet. I love their large eyes and soft muzzles.”
—patricia, parent of a three-year-old
“My son was supposed to play in a basketball tournament in third grade. They had an energetic team, with both boys and girls. When they got to the tournament, the organizers refused to let a mixed team play. I was so angry—my blood was boiling, and I felt so stupid when I tried to explain to the children that they weren’t allowed to play.”
—maria, parent of a nine-year-old
“I don’t know what to do. Ivar doesn’t really engage at his tennis lessons. He seems to mainly want to watch. Soccer, too.”
—claes, parent of a five-year-old
Sports and other after-school activities are about so much more than the actual activity. Every sport is its own microcosm of friends, competitions, camps, and other parents. It’s about social interactions and about learning codes, behaviors, norms, and values. And, just like everywhere else, everything is gendered. There are very clear ideas about which activities girls are supposed to like and which ones are for boys. Girls are encouraged to do gymnastics, to dance and sing, or ride horses, and boys are encouraged to play basketball, soccer, table tennis, and hockey. Many sports have teams divided by gender from a very early age, even though there are no physical differences among children by gender in terms of speed, strength, or flexibility when they’re little. Children are sorted by gender as if it were the most natural thing in the world, so natural that we often don’t even think about it. Children do not always choose their activities themselves. Often, their choices are made by whatever is locally available, what their parents want their kids to be good at, or what their parents wish they could have done, when they were young or even now.
In 2019, 28 members of the US women’s national soccer team sued the United States Soccer Federation over unequal pay. From 2016 to 2018, the US women’s team generated slightly more revenue than the men’s team, but were paid less than half as much per game.
Myths and values associated with different activities are strong. Many people think that girls who do horseback riding are mainly just cuddling with the horses. Girls riding horses are rarely conceived of in terms of the courage and strength that the riding requires. Dancing requires strength and knowing your body and having good coordination; playing soccer or hockey requires being receptive and able to work with others. Many sports have sexist features and widespread homophobia. Women’s soccer is typically considered less exciting and just not as good as men’s soccer, and traditional boys’ sports rarely have room for sensitivity unless it’s labeled “girly” or “wussy.” Boys who dance are admired by girls but often considered unmanly by men.
In interacting with horses, girls take on leadership roles. Because of the somewhat dangerous presence of the horse, the rider learns to be clear, action-oriented, and firm.
—Lena Forsberg, Att utveckla handlingskraft (Developing the Power to Act), 2007
Suggestions
What does your child enjoy doing? Choose recreational activities accordingly. Let your child try several different activities to have an idea of what’s involved and be able to choose.
Ask instructors to highlight characteristics that are not typically noted in the various activities:
• What strong muscles you must have since you’re a dancer.
• You’re so brave to ride a horse.
• You must be very good at teamwork since you play soccer.
• Wow, you must have an awesome sense of balance as a skater.
• I guess you know very many words since you read so much.
If children are divided by gender at practice or into boys’ teams and girls’ teams, ask the coach what the reasoning is behind this and suggest that they all play together instead. Show your child role models who break gender stereotypes by choosing different activities and sports. Carolina Klüft, the track and field athlete, Marta Vieira da Silva, world champion soccer player, Diana Nyad, long-distance swimmer, Jonathan Groff, star of musicals, Rudolf Nureyev, the very skilled ballet dancer, Tina Thörner, world-famous rally car navigator.
Come Celebrate!
It’s your child’s birthday and they want to have a party and invite all their friends. You’re going to have one kids’ party and one party for family. Who should be invited? Should you invite the whole preschool class, or just certain children? When your child says that she only wants to invite the girls, you might think that’s an easy way to solve the problem. She only ever plays with the girls anyway, so of course she wants to invite them.
Boy parties and girl parties are gender traps that we step into by letting gender be an acceptable category for segregating children and for excluding certain children. Few parents would put up with their children only wanting to invite blond or short children, or only the loud children or only funny children. Parties are often important events for children, and who gets invited can be a big deal, at least for young children. Children also signal not wanting to be friends with someone by saying: You can’t come to my party! Not being invited is never fun, and it’s even worse to be excluded based on your gender. Let’s consider what we as adults are teaching children and what signals we’re sending them when we approve segregated parties.
Suggestions
If it’s possible to invite all the children in a class, do it. The party could be an opportunity for the children to get to know each other in new ways. Parties don’t have to be expensive: Being together in a large group and playing is all the fun that’s needed. Throw a different kind of party. Meet up in the park and have a potluck, or meet at the public pool and invite the parents, too. Throw a monster party, pizza-making party, doctor party, or aerospace party so that all children can be included and try new roles. You’ll create a sense of togetherness since everyone is trying the same thing.
Gender Equality in Friendships
When children interact with one another, they can try on new roles, characteristics, and skills. Gender equality in friendships has to do with seeing all children as potential friends. If we had gender equality in friendships, no children would be excluded because they had the “wrong” gender. No one would be blamed by default when an interaction isn’t working out. Children would be able to take part
in competing and collaborating. Choosing to be part of a group would be as natural to them as it would be to challenge the group. They would learn that conflicts can be solved and that it can be exciting to go your own way. Children would see differences as something positive and have more room to shape their own identities and friendships.
Big Boys Don’t Cry
More Ways of Feeling
Dry Your Tears!
When really young boys cry, no one bats an eye; we comfort them the same way we comfort all young children. But as time goes by, boys’ tears dry up. They learn that crying is not for them. Boys who cry are met with tired sighs and irritated looks. Or else they’re told to buck up and cheer up. Something clearly happens to us when we encounter boys who are crying. But this wasn’t always the case. Among the European nobility in the 1700s, “real” men were supposed to be able to show their emotions and cry. This is foreign to the contemporary ideal, which sees men’s crying as a sign of weakness. Crying means losing control, and there are many men who’ve never cried despite facing very difficult challenges and personal tragedies. For men to cry at all, it has to take place in solitude with no one there to hold them or place a warm hand on their shoulders. Tears are for girls and women, clearly. Even if far from all women cry, the barrier to crying, whether alone or in public, is not at all as high as it is for men.
Since we rarely see men cry, it’s easy to get the idea that men and boys don’t get sad. But that’s as backward as the notion that their tear ducts are blocked. Instead, boys and men have simply been forced to shut down their feelings of sadness and transform them into feelings that are more accepted. It’s hard to experience difficult emotions and not let the tears flow. Being sad often evokes a lot of other emotions, and we want everything to be alright again, which means many adults try to smooth things over. The ability to validate your own feelings and allow yourself to be sad and express sadness are necessary conditions for being healthy and developing self-awareness and empathy.