The Swedish Way to Parent and Play

by Kristina Henkel

  Teach all children to ASK if they’re not sure the other person really wants to do something. It’s better to ask one time too many than to cross someone’s limit. Once you start getting used to asking, it gets much easier!

  • Would you like me to tickle you?

  • Would you like to wrestle with me?

  • Would you like for us to hug each other?

  Teach all children to listen to each other when they say no. Practice by playing together. For example, let two children stand facing each other a couple of steps apart. Have one child approach the other one until the latter says No. The former then stops. Then the no-sayer can say come (yes) and then no, again. Talk about how it feels when someone hears and listens to the no and the yes.

  Lovers’ Quarrel

  “Axel hit me today.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He hit me at recess.”

  “Why did he do that?”

  “I don’t know. The teachers said it’s because he has a crush on me.”

  When boys hit girls or tease them, adults often say it’s a sign of affection. Many people see it as a clumsy, clueless, and sometimes charming way of trying to interact. But if a boy hits another boy, few would try to smooth this over by saying that it’s an expression of love and tenderness. A girl who hits a boy is not excused on account of love, either. Instead, she’s told that hitting is not okay, and she’s expected to take responsibility for her actions and to check in with the boy she hit. Hitting or being hit is never okay. Do adults believe boys are not capable of showing someone they like how they feel? Because it’s crazily contrary to hit someone you like. Love is all about caring for someone and being close to them, not violence. What is it about us as adults that makes us so quickly and with zero thought accept the behaviors of certain boys instead of requiring that they express their feelings in a positive way? When someone pushes and teases to show that they like someone else, it’s hard for them to get their message across. There’s a fair chance that the behavior will have the opposite effect. And what would happen if the girls were to fight back?

  In 2008, two of every five female murder victims were killed by an intimate.

  —US Bureau of Justice Statistics

  Suggestions

  Show all children, especially boys, how to express love in a positive way. Talk about how to tell someone you like them. Suggest that they write a note or maybe draw a picture.

  Teach children to really check in—to make amends—instead of simply saying that they’re sorry. Making amends can include blowing on a scrape, offering a hug, or finding a stuffed animal.

  Talk about how violence is never okay, not even play-fighting.

  If an adult or a child suggests that hitting or pushing are signs of affection, always speak up. Love has nothing to do with violence.

  Will You Be My Valentine?

  In 1973, the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

  We’ve all heard about the princess who pines for the prince. The story includes a number of ideas about what love should look like. The prince is expected to be the active party, driving the action, while the princess is passive, waiting for the prince to come rescue her. The princess is also expected to want the prince when he finally comes to rescue her. She falls in love at first sight, delighted that someone wants her.

  Illinois was the first US state to decriminalize homosexuality, in 1962; the US Supreme Court did not decriminalize homosexuality until 2003.

  Our stories about love teach children how boys and girls are supposed to act in a relationship, and with whom they’re supposed to fall in love. Boys are expected to fall in love with girls, and girls with boys. Girls are told that they can show that they’re interested, but not too much, because the boys are expected to take the initiative. Pretty girls and tough boys are often highly esteemed, and girls and boys in stories often look a fair bit like Barbie and Batman. Our children are taught what they’re supposed to look like and how they’re supposed to act in order for anyone at all to fall in love with them. Wouldn’t it be lovely to have a bit more variety and diversity in love stories? After all, all kinds of children can be shy, and all kinds of children can be full of initiative.

  Suggestions

  Talk about how girls can be in love with girls, with boys, and/or with children who don’t identify as boys or girls. Similarly, boys can be in love with boys, girls, and/or children who don’t identify as either boys or girls. And children who don’t identify as either boys or girls can be in love with boys, girls, and/or children who don’t identify as either boys or girls. We can be in love with many people, in many different ways.

  Let the princess have all the prince’s attributes and vice versa. Or create an entirely new story, with all new attributes for both princes and princesses: Once upon a time, there was a prince who really wanted to get married. He sat at the top of his tower waiting for a suitor to show up. One day, he saw a cloud of dust on the horizon, stoking the hope in his heart! After a little while, he saw a horse. A princess had come riding on her beautiful, galloping horse. The prince and princess were married and lived happily together for the entire time their love lasted.

  Emotional Gender Equality

  Having feelings and allowing ourselves to feel them and express them are important parts of our lives, both as children and adults. If we had emotional gender equality, all feelings would be allowed to exist: frustration, joy, indecision, and sadness—there would be room for all of them. The various feelings wouldn’t be assessed as better or worse, and no child would have to renegotiate or adapt their feelings to fit other people’s expectations. All tears would be taken equally seriously, and children would receive help to express their feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt them, their bodies, or others. If we had emotional gender equality, all children would be equally heard when they say no, and all their limits would be respected. Emotional gender equality would mean the freedom to fall in love with whomever—concepts like straight and gay wouldn’t exist. In love, there’d be no predetermined roles for who should do what and how.

  Arms, Legs, Snippor, and Snoppar

  More Ways for Bodies to Be

  “My son has learned to make a lot of noise when he doesn’t have his way. He uses his deepest voice. But it goes away when he hasn’t been at preschool for a while—he’ll use a much higher-pitched voice.”

  —magdalena, parent of a three-year-old

  “This is a man singing falsetto. He can sing with a woman’s voice.”

  —commentator on radio sweden

  Woohoo Voice or Boohoo Voice

  Adults will often use a different tone depending on whether they’re speaking to a boy or a girl. Listen in on people speaking to babies, where the difference is often very pronounced. Girls are often spoken to with a bright and soft voice, while boys often get to hear the adult’s normal speaking voice. The gendered tone is obvious in young children, too, where girls use a frailer and higher voice compared to boys. In children’s shows and movies, the female characters have high-pitched, squeaky voices compared to the male characters who have deeper voices. Girls and boys quickly learn that there are boy voices and girl voices. Young girls are allowed to speak in a high pitch, but some adults will correct a boy who uses a squeaky or high pitch, and tell him to “speak properly,” the idea being that he should use a deeper voice.

  Differences in how their voices are used and how they’re allowed to practice using their voices have consequences for when and how they can express themselves. Those children who use a high-pitched and thin voice have a harder time making themselves heard than those who use a deeper and louder voice. Many boys have the advantage of getting to develop their vocal resources. They learn to speak from the belly because that’s what’s often required in order to use a deeper and louder voice. Having access to a strong voice lets them claim space and attention, both at school and, in the future, at wor
k.

  It’s also easier to interrupt higher-pitched voices than deeper ones. At play, working on projects together in school, in debates and discussions, children with weak voices are often erased, not because their ideas are weak, but because these children can’t make themselves heard in the same way. If you’re interrupted over and over again, it’s easy to think that your ideas aren’t interesting, which makes you even more quiet. People who use high-pitched voices are often not taken as seriously as those who use lower pitches and are often not accommodated in the same way. Indirectly, we send the signal to boys that on account of their voices, they are allowed to take up more space. We send the opposite signal to girls: that they should speak less and take up less space.

  Suggestions

  Talk with your children about how voices can be used in different ways. Try a monster voice, a mouse voice, a whisper voice, and other voices. Tell them that different voices are good to use in different situations, and that they have different jobs. Show them a good voice to use when telling an exciting story, when sharing a secret, when calling for a friend on the other side of the playground, and when saying Stop!

  Explain how using your belly when you speak is good for speaking loudly and powerfully. Try it out by placing a hand on the lower part your belly. When you use your belly voice, your belly will poke out when you speak. Practice by saying ssssssssssss with force. Try saying sss sss sss sss in short bursts.

  Take Your Seats, Please!

  A woman sitting with her legs wide apart is often met with amused looks; it’s not at all accepted in the same way it is for men. Men who instead sit with their legs close to each other or who sway their hips when they walk can also encounter raised eyebrows.

  Most of us aren’t all that aware of our body language or how it might reinforce or moderate whatever we’re saying verbally. When we’re with children, our body language is as important as the words we choose and our tone of voice. Often adults use small movements when interacting with girls and more expansive movements when interacting with boys. In playing ball with children, this usually becomes extremely obvious. The ball is rolled or gingerly thrown at girls, as if girls wouldn’t be able to catch it, or as if they might break if it hits them. By contrast, the ball is often bounced or thrown hard and high at boys. It’s part of the fun if they have to run and jump to catch it. If a boy is hit by the ball, or if he falls, it’s no big deal—it’s just good practice for a future soccer career. Our body language reveals what we think about a child and a child’s capacity to, for instance, catch balls. Expansive movements encourage children to take up a lot space, while small movements signal the opposite.

  The body language we have access to affects our opportunities to take up space and speak, be heard, and to have things our way. Body language can help us communicate how we feel without necessarily naming the feelings. Gender-coded body language is a straitjacket that limits children’s ways of expressing themselves.

  In 2015, the Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City added “Dude … Stop the Spread, Please” as a new slogan in its Courtesy Counts campaign.

  Suggestions

  Provide all children with physical challenges. Ball games, running games, dancing, and climbing. Feeling your body and knowing that it is strong and can do a lot of things helps build a good sense of self.

  Supply children with a wide variety of body language expressions. Try it out together in front of the mirror to see what your faces and bodies look like when you’re angry, sad, uncertain, surprised, determined, sneaky, scary, or amused.

  When you’re watching a movie or a show, mute the volume and try to interpret what the people are saying. Try to guess what’s going on.

  Challenge yourself to use your body in more varied ways when you’re speaking. Stand with your legs far apart. Stand with them close together and see if there’s a difference in what it feels like. Gesticulate with large motions and keep them close to your body. Try saying the same words using different kinds of body language to see if there’s a difference.

  Put on music and dance with small movements or large movements, jump high and low, jump far and spin around. This lets you discover the opportunities that can be found in your body.

  Being Close

  Boys often experience less physical intimacy than girls. This starts right away, when they’re tiny babies. Baby boys get to soar like air planes and are spun around at some distance from our bodies, while girls get to stay in our laps. When they fall and get hurt or are sad, they’re treated differently, too. Girls are held in our laps until their tears have dried, while boys often get a perfunctory hug and are encouraged to keep playing.

  Eye contact is another way of being close. We look girls in the eye more often than we do boys. Many boys and men have a hard time looking people in the eye when they talk with them. Maybe this is because our eyes are the mirrors of our souls, and by looking someone in the eye, we let them see us. Avoiding eye contact helps us avoid getting personal. Looking someone in the eye is a signal of confidence, but it also means running the risk of revealing vulnerabilities.

  The older children get, the more obvious it gets that access to intimacy and eye contact varies by gender. Boys are kept at ever greater lengths while girls continue to be held close by both friends and family.

  Suggestions

  Show all children warmth, holding them close, especially boys, and let them cry in your arms.

  Seek eye contact with all children, especially boys, when you talk with them. Squat down so that you are level with them.

  Play the blinking game and practice maintaining eye contact. Stand across from one another or stand in a circle if there are more than two of you. Agree on the rules:

  One blink = say your name

  Two blinks = start jumping

  Three blinks = let’s trade places

  Soft or Rough?

  Vilhelm is running around and yelling in the dining room. “Be quiet,” says Annika. Vilhelm continues yelling. Annika walks up to Vilhelm and grabs his shoulder and shouts at him: “Be QUIET now!!”

  How and when we touch children influences how they interpret physical contact. Whether the touch is positive or negative matters a lot. Positive touches—a soft pat on the head, or a kind hand resting on a shoulder—make our bodies release the hormone oxytocin. It makes us feel good and relaxed. Oxytocin makes us want to interact and promotes empathy. Positive physical contact is a building block in developing empathy! In general, girls receive more positive physical contact than boys, even though we know it’s critically important for everyone. The older the boys get, the less positive touching they get. Boys are often touched in negative contexts, in conjunction with reprimands or conflicts. Negative touching is when someone grabs you, for instance your arm or your shoulder. Negative touching generates stress and aggression. It makes children put up their defenses against touching because they associate touching with something negative or scary. This association can persist in adulthood. Children who are exposed to negative touching indirectly learn that roughness solves conflicts.

  Touching someone roughly or raising your voice escalates conflicts. Likewise, if we as adults demand eye contact in a difficult situation, it easily comes across as a show of power, where the one who is forced to look at the other has to yield, which easily makes things worse. In the long run, we end up teaching different genders different things about touching, which affects what kind of human touch they can offer others.

  Suggestions

  Touch all children in positive ways. A friendly hand on their shoulders or a soft nuzzling on their heads.

  During a conflict, or a reprimand, try touching the child in a positive way instead of negatively. It can have a calming effect. When a small child pushes, shoves, or grabs someone roughly, show them how to touch softly and with kindness, instead.

  Try using what’s known as a low arousal approach in conflicts. Literally back up instead of grabbing the child. Sit down so that you are level w
ith the child, instead of standing over them. Talk in a calm and quiet voice instead of getting angry and raising your voice. A quiet voice is calming and isn’t threatening.

  Don’t require children to look at you in a conflict. Eye contact can be very uncomfortable when we’re scared or don’t trust a situation.

  Boys Don’t Sparkle

  “My son is four and loves the movie Frozen and wanted a shirt with sparkles and a scene from the movie on the front. He was so proud when he came downstairs at our relatives’ house. When he reached the bottom of the steps, the adults started laughing and said, ‘That’s for girls.’ He’s never worn it again.”

  —omar, parent of a four-year-old

  “My son loves sparkles and dresses, but he only wants to wear them at home. These days, he says those things are for girls. Secretly, he still loves them but only dares to wear them when no one is watching.”

  —seyfi, parent of a five-year-old

  “That’s a girls’ shirt. I can show you the boys’ shirts.”

  —clerk at lindex clothing store

  More and more boys want to wear sparkles and glitter. They aren’t satisfied with the dark clothes in one section of the store. Just like girls, they want to be able to choose bright colors and dark jeans. And why not? Children, without knowing it, are challenging norms about masculinity, about how sparkles are feminine and shouldn’t be worn by boys. When children happily pull on their sparkle shirts and head off to preschool, they might run headlong into that norm. Sometimes, being laughed at or hearing someone say, “That’s a girls’ shirt,” can be as bad as being slapped, And it’s easy to adapt and hide the favorite, special clothes way in the back of the closet.