The Calling

by Deborah A Hodge

  The second day at the camp, he singled her out and with a wink and a grin said,

  “Hello there beautiful.”

  Cate blushed. Wow! I can’t believe he thinks I’m beautiful. Intrigued, she smiled. “Hello yourself,” I can’t believe I’m flirting.

  “How would you like to take a walk with me this afternoon?”

  “I–I don’t know.”

  “I can assure you. I’m a good guy.”

  “And modest too.” I can’t believe it; I’m really flirting.

  “Uh, I’m just trying to put your mind at ease. I’m asking you for a walk, nothing more.”

  “I guess a walk can’t hurt.”

  “Not at all. You might even discover that I am a nice guy.”

  After that first walk, she was hooked. Without even realizing it, Cate’s priority became Justin, not finding God’s will concerning David or missions. In fact, Cate’s feelings took over. Instead of growing closer to God, without realizing it, she moved away. She went through the motions of Bible study and prayer, but her heart wasn’t in it. Justin was drawing her heart to him.

  She found herself spending most of her free time with Justin. They went on long walks where they talked.

  “So, your dad’s a pastor?”

  “Yep”

  “How is that?”

  “It’s not bad, most of the time.”

  He stopped, took her hand and looked her in the eye. “Sometimes it’s not so hot huh?”

  Her face took on a serious look, afraid that she had been disloyal to her father’s calling. “It’s like anything else. You take the bad with the good, and the good usually outweighs the bad.”

  He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. “You don’t sound very convincing.”

  Embarrassed, Cate bite her lip and looked at the ground. “I promise; being a pastor’s daughter is okay. My dad and mom are wonderful.”

  “They must be to have a daughter, like you.” He raised her chin and gently kissed her.

  Cate backed away. Wow! I can’t believe I let that happen and–I can’t believe I liked it so much. She stood silent for a moment, furrowed brow, eyes darting back and forth, as she tried to say what needed to be said.

  “Justin. I–I’m engaged.”

  He cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. “You’re engaged.”

  “Well, sort of.”

  His head straightened, his eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly. “You’ll have to explain that.”

  “I’ve been dating a guy back home for about a year and he’s asked me to marry him?”

  “And, you said?”

  “I didn’t say no.”

  “Ah... But, you didn’t say yes?”

  Cate shook her head. “I told him that I’d pray about it.”

  Justin smiled. “So you weren’t sure.”

  “No, I wasn’t sure. I’m not sure I want to be a preacher’s wife.”

  “So, marry me,” Justin winked.

  Cate’s mouth flew open. “Justin, I like you, but—“

  “Okay, if you won’t marry me, just walk with me,” Justin laughed.

  Cate punched him. “That’s not funny.”

  “Really, I thought it was,” he joked. “You were being way too serious. Let’s just have fun this summer. That’s all I’m asking—a little fun.”

  “Fun?”

  “Yeah, fun. Do you know what that is Miss Preacher’s Daughter?”

  Cate pursed her lips and folded her arms. “I know what that is.”

  “So, do we have a deal? Will you be my partner in fun?”

  She cocked her head, and considered his request. “It’s a deal.” She offered her hand for a shake. He grabbed her hand, pulled her close, kissed her and she surrendered.

  Cate told Justin about David, but not David about Justin. She did everything she could to make sure that he never found out. Because she was afraid that he might hear something in her voice, or ask her a question that she couldn’t answer, she came up with a plan to avoid phone conversations. Rather than talk to him on the phone everyday as they had planned, she persuaded David that they should correspond by letters and email.

  David was supposed to visit her at Tahoe. However, Cate volunteered to work the weekend he was supposed to come so she would be able to tell him that if he came she wouldn’t be able to spend time with him. He was disappointed and even more disappointed when he was unable to arrange another time for his visit.

  Cate’s parents did visit her, and she introduced them to Justin. Dr. and Mrs. Jones seemed to like Justin very much. Because of that, Cate felt more comfortable continuing her relationship with him.

  Justin and Cate’s relationship progressed steadily over the summer. She was sure that she loved Justin, not David. The catch was if Justin had real feelings for her, he never said so.

  As the summer ended, Cate was in turmoil. She was about to go home, where she knew that David would be anxiously awaiting her arrival, and knew he would be expecting to hear what she felt God’s will was concerning them. Cate shared some details about camp, though nothing about Justin. She assured David she had been seeking God’s will, and in her own way, she had. The key words were in her own way. The feelings she had for David in no way compared with the feelings she had for Justin, and she decided that marrying David could not be God’s will-for her. She was sure that Justin had to be God’s choice for her. However, if that was true, Justin didn’t seem to realize it. He never even told her that he loved her.

  The day before Cate left Tahoe to go back home to Kansas City, she met Justin at their spot to say goodbye. She hoped Justin would finally declare his love for her.

  “Justin, this has been the best summer of my life, and you’re the main reason for that.”

  “I could say the same thing to you.” Justin took her hand and smiled as he looked into her eyes.

  “Then, say it. Girls like to hear things like that.”

  “They do, do they?”

  “This one does.” Cate looked deeply into his eyes to see what feelings were there.

  “I’d say it if you were my girl, but—you’re not—are you.” He was making a statement rather than asking a question.

  Cate looked away. “No; I guess not.”

  “I will say it’s been fun. David Barnes is a lucky guy.”

  “Yeah”

  He pulled her close. “We probably won’t see each other tomorrow. I hope you have a great flight home.”

  Cate was stunned. “Yeah, you too.”

  He kissed her, “Cate I’m sorry, but I’ve got one more activity to lead tonight. I’m sure we’ll see each other again some time.”

  Cate was confused. “I hope so.”

  “Got to go”

  “Justin!”

  “I’m sorry. I’m late now. Got to go.”

  Cate watched him walk quickly away. Oh, I am such a fool! How could I have been such a fool?”

  For the rest of the night and all the way home, Cate reproached herself for falling in love with a man who apparently did not share her feelings. She had no desire to continue unrequited love, but she also knew that she also had no desire to marry a pastor. Even though she would not be marrying Justin, she could not marry David.

  She knew what she did not want, and what she did want, she couldn’t have. She didn’t know how to tell David. Though she loved Justin, she cared about David too. David was a good man and she knew he loved her unconditionally. She didn’t want to hurt him, and so she decided not to tell him anything-for a while. She’d go home, pick up where they left off, and wait for an opportune time to tell him that she could not marry him.

  *****

  When her plane landed at the airport at Kansas City, David and her parents were waiting for her arrival. Her mother and father greeted her with kisses and hugs first. Next, David hugged and kissed her.

  “I’m so glad you’re home. I’ve missed you so much.” David looked deeply into her eyes.

  Cate turned away a
s she answered. She was afraid that he would see the truth in her eyes. “I‘ve missed you too,” she said, attempting sincerity. The truth was she had missed him, but there was also another truth, that wouldn’t be said, at least not yet. Cate felt guilty; she was sure he had suspected something. If he did suspect anything, he never said so. He was very happy to see her and quite ready for them to get on with their lives.

  The week after she returned home, Justin called, and even though he said he was just calling to say hello to an old friend, his call gave Cate a glimmer of hope. Subsequent calls fueled those hopes.

  With Justin’s calls came questions, first from David, and then her parents.

  “Cate, this guy that keeps calling you, who is he?” David’s face clearly revealed his irritation.

  “He’s just a guy who worked at the camp in Tahoe.”

  “Why does he keep calling?”

  “Because we’re friends, can’t I have male friends? Don’t you trust me?” Cate decided that pretending to be hurt by his questions would be the best way to handle the situation.

  “I’m sorry. Of course I trust you. ”

  Justin’s calls not only bothered David, but also her parents. They were concerned that there might be more going on than Cate was telling them. When her parents asked about Justin, she told them the same thing she’d told David. She rationalized it by telling herself that she and Justin were only friends. Regardless of what she wanted, Justin never hinted that he wanted to be anything more.

  The situation took a more complicated turn, when Justin surprised Cate by coming to Kansas City; he’d decided to transfer to the University of Kansas. Cate was overjoyed to see him, and hoped that his transfer was evidence that he loved her and had chosen to pursue her. Indeed, he seemed eager to resume the relationship that began in Tahoe.

  David was not happy to hear that Justin had become a student at the University of Kansas. With clenched jaw, tight mouth and rigid stance, he confronted her. “Cate what is he doing here?”

  “He’s here to go to school.” Cate’s answer was curt.

  “Don’t they have colleges where he’s from?”

  “He said he liked what the University of Kansas had to offer.”

  “And, what would that be?”

  “I don’t know. He didn’t tell me.” There was a touch of sarcasm in her answer.

  “I think it’s you.”

  Cate shook her head feigning exasperation. “I told you; we’re just friends.”

  “I don’t think he thinks that.”

  Her hands on her hips, Cate asked, “What are you saying?”

  “You know what I’m saying.”

  “Don’t you trust me!” It worked before, maybe it’ll work again.

  “It’s him I don’t trust.”

  “You don’t know him.”

  “Nor, do I want too.”

  “David, I can’t believe you said that. That’s not at all like you.”

  “I’m sorry.” He sighed heavily, closed his eyes and bowed his head as if praying. “You’re right. I guess I’ve got a problem where this guy’s concerned.”

  Cate looked at him intently as he reproached himself for his jealousy and his dislike for Justin. You have more of a problem than you know, and I can’t admit it to you because I’m a coward.

  Cate kept hoping that Justin would tell her that he loved her and wanted to marry her. At the same time, she feared that the time would eventually come when she would not only have to tell David that she couldn’t marry him, but that she was going to marry someone else. As much as she hoped that Justin would ask her to marry him, she dreaded the time when she would hurt David.

  Caught between her love for Justin and her reluctance to hurt David, Cate lived a secret life, or so she thought. It wasn’t a secret to her parents, and they lovingly confronted her, first her mother and then, her father.

  “Cate, what are you doing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean it’s clear to me that you’re involved with two men at the same time,” her mother said. “And, I expected better of you.”

  “I know, but I care about both of them.”

  “Well, you need to make up your mind which one you care more about and cut the other one loose.”

  “I know which one I love more,” Cate paused and bit her lip, “but I don’t want to hurt the other one.”

  “Cate, what you are doing is not fair to either of them. You need to straighten this out.”

  Cate knew her mother was right, but couldn’t find the courage to hurt David, so she continued to keep him in the dark. She was in her room waiting for David to arrive for New Years’ Eve when her father gently tapped on her door.

  “May I come in?”

  “Sure,” Cate said.

  “Catie, I know that your mother has spoken with you about the situation with David and Justin. I also know that she encouraged you to straighten things out, but you haven’t.” Cate stopped what she was doing as he continued, “Cate, I’ve never been ashamed of you, but I am now.”

  Cate hung her head. She had always been daddy’s girl, and his words hurt.

  “Cate, what you are doing is not right and I think you know it.”

  Her head still down, avoiding his eyes, Cate murmured, “Yes sir, but I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

  “But, you are. You’re hurting David, Justin, yourself and your mother and me. We expect you to be straightforward and honest in all of your dealings with people. You need to make up your mind which man you want, and tell the other one that you can’t see him anymore.”

  “I’ll tell David tonight.”

  “David,” her father said.

  Cate heard the disappointment in his voice. She watched him as he took his glasses off, rubbed his face, ran his hand across his hair and let out a deep breath.

  “Catie, do what you have to do, but straighten this thing out.”

  “Yes, sir”

  She watched him leave her room with a look of disapproval on his face. Her mother had reacted the same way when she confessed that she thought that she was in love with Justin. Cate knew he was not their choice for her, but he’s my choice.

  Cate couldn’t put off telling David any longer, and it wasn’t just because of her parents’ insistence. Justin had proposed to her the night before. She had met him at a restaurant on campus and he’d finally confessed his love and proposed. Cate immediately said “yes” to his proposal.

  After her conversation with her mother, and still dreading to hurt David, Cate decided to do the cowardly thing and break things off in a note. She carried the note around in her purse for days, but her father’s confrontation reminded her that David deserved to be told face-to-face.

  However, her plan to tell him face-to-face never materialized.. Before she could tell him, he found the note that she had written. It had fallen out of her purse and when he picked it up, he realized that it was for him. Cate entered the room just as he was reading the note. She could tell he was upset and pleaded with him to give her the note; trying to explain that she hadn’t meant for him to see the note.

  “David, I never intended for you to read that note. I–I, wanted to tell you in person.”

  His shaking hands held the note and his voice quivered, “So tell me.”

  “You’ve got to believe me. I never meant for this to happen. I love you-”

  “Love me,” he held the note to her face, “how can you love me and let this happen?”

  “I’m sorry,” she stepped back. “I do love you, but I love Justin more, and he wants to marry me.”

  “So, do I.”

  “Yes, but I want to marry him,” Cate confessed, a wellspring of tears filling her eyes. “David, I tried to tell you that I wasn’t cut out to be a pastor’s wife, but you wouldn’t listen. I know you don’t believe that I love you, but I do. That’s why it’s been so difficult for me to tell you about Justin. I didn’t want to hurt you. I knew you’d react this way.”


  “How was I supposed to react, Cate?”

  “I don’t know,” she clenched her fists and wiped at the tears on her cheek, “but please believe that I never meant for this to happen. It just did. I’m sorry. Please believe how sorry I am,” Cate tried to take him by the arm, but he refused.

  “Well, I guess, there’s nothing else to say, but have a good life.” He quickly walked from the room.

  Cate shook her head, knowing that she’d hurt him deeply. She told herself it couldn’t be helped. As she continued to think about what had happened, she found herself experiencing a sense of profound loss and sadness. She was confused as to why, and decided to deal with it by hurrying to see Justin. That seemed to work, at least for a while, but the whole episode left Cate very unsettled. The memory of the hurt look on David’s face haunted her, and she continued to feel sad and guilty.

  Three

  She was jarred back to the reality of the present by David moving in his seat as he slept. Cate watched him; after what had transpired that night seven years ago, she’d never imagined that she would one day be on the way to Ecuador-with him, that she would be serving as his daughter’s caretaker when he was away on mission business, or that she would become a teacher at the mission school. She thanked God for His grace.

  As she continued to watch him, her thoughts again drifted slowly to the past. First one, then the other came, vying for her attention. She felt as if she was careening through the kaleidoscope of her life after her rejection of David.

  After she had been painfully honest with David, she refused to face the sadness and guilt that she felt. She chose, rather, to stuff those feelings deep inside. When she began to have reservations about her marriage to Justin, she ignored them.