Wall of Silence

by Dorey Whittaker

  Susan tried to return a confident, assured smile. Studying her future mother-in-law’s beaming face, she searched for any signs of forced happiness in this face she had been studying for years. Bill and Caroline had been a puzzle to her ever since high school. She remembered wondering when Carol Anne’s “real” parents would show themselves. They just seemed too good to be true. They were kind-hearted and always considerate of other people’s feelings. And though they would discuss how something was upsetting them, it never mushroomed into an angry tirade as it always did with her parents. After carefully observing and studying them for several years, she was finally convinced they actually were for real.

  Bill reached over and took hold of Susan’s hand. “When you were eight, I wished I were your father so I could protect you, but I couldn’t. Then when you came back into our lives during high school, I was so glad to share my home and family with you. And now I am blessed to welcome you into the family as a daughter.”

  Sitting down to breakfast, they began discussing different options regarding the wedding. Because of her family, Scott suspected Susan was struggling over the idea of a large, formal wedding. Her mother would be impossible to deal with, and her father would not be involved in any way since he was in prison. Even if he were paroled, he wouldn’t be welcomed by any of them. She only had three relatives in the world: her mother, father, and Lisa. Scott knew Susan loved her sister, but Lisa’s life was in such turmoil. She was using drugs and drinking heavily, and she was still picked up occasionally for prostitution. She would never be able to pull herself together enough to attend her sister’s wedding. So, in reality, Susan had no one. She continually apologized for the difficulties presented in the wedding plans should her family be involved.

  The Thomases, on the other hand, had numerous friends and family. They had friends from church who would want to come to Scott’s wedding, as would Scott’s college friends, and business friends who would be offended if they were not invited. Though Susan would prefer to have a small, quiet ceremony, she knew that wouldn’t be fair to Scott and his family. She would have to make it plain to them that whatever type of ceremony was settled upon, her family would not be part of it, nor would they be able to pay for it. In their discussion, it soon became obvious to the three of them that Susan was making her choices based upon expense, not on what she wanted.

  Bill graciously offered, “Susan, we don’t want you to worry about the expenses. We are more than happy to help out.”

  Scott quickly interrupted. “Dad, we appreciate the offer, but save that money for Carol Anne’s wedding. I’ve been making good money for the past two years and haven’t needed to spend very much. Besides, I’ve been saving up for sometime now, hoping and planning for this. Susan and I will be paying for our own wedding.”

  He then took hold of his bride-to-be’s hand and made a wonderful suggestion. “I know you would feel uncomfortable having a formal church wedding, so how would you like to get married at the old plantation? We could reserve the entire place and have the ceremony out in the meadow under the old weeping willow tree. If we set the date for early spring, all the flowers will be in bloom, and we could have the reception right there in the restaurant. What would you think of that?”

  An impish look came across her face as she asked, “That sounds wonderful Scott, except for one thing. Do we have to wait until spring?”

  Her smile thrilled Scott. “Well, my dear, since it’s already early September, what date do you have in mind?”

  With that same impish grin, and only half-kidding, Susan offered, “Well, next week would be good for me, but a ceremony under the willow tree does sound wonderful. Also, I know there are many people who would like to come to your wedding, and there isn’t time to arrange such a large celebration before the weather changes. I guess, then, we have to settle on a spring wedding. Besides, Carol Anne has just started her junior year, and we can’t have a wedding without the maid of honor. We need to set the date for the second Saturday of her spring break.”

  Scott went to the kitchen calendar and looked at April. His mother had already noted the week Carol Anne would be home for her break. “How does Saturday, April 12, sound to you?”

  When they all agreed, he took a red pencil and made a big red circle around that date. Returning to his seat at the table, he spoke in a serious tone, “I want to get one very important thing cleared up right away. This is going to be ‘our’ wedding, Susan, not ‘my’ wedding. All those people you think are coming for me will be coming for you also. Don’t you realize the number of people who would want to come for you? If you think they care only about me, you’re crazy. They all love you and will be there for you every bit as much as they will for me. So I don’t want to hear anymore ‘your wedding’ talk from you, okay?”

  She loved how Scott always seemed to understand how she was feeling; however, his sensitivity couldn’t shake her uneasiness. “Scott, I appreciate what you’re saying, but my family is going to cause problems.”

  Scott leaned over and took her hand. “If you want your mother and sister included, you and I will do everything we can to help them feel as comfortable as possible. If, however, they are determined to ruin your day, you are not obligated to have them there. I know your mother has intimidated you your whole life, but that was because you were alone. You’re not alone anymore. We can’t change who she is or how she behaves, but from last night forward, she no longer calls the shots in your life; you do. I’m here to love and support you. You tell me what you want and that’s what we’ll do. This wedding is going to be the way you want it because that is what will make me happy.”

  Studying his smiling, confident eyes, Susan finally leaned very close to him, placed her cheek against his, and almost whispered, “Scott, how did I get so lucky? You really do love me.” Then with a little giggle, she added, “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into with my family. They can be so cruel. We’ll do what we can to include them, but I have learned that if I’m going to have happiness, I have to find it outside my family. So if this wedding goes on without them, so be it.”

  Scott did not miss the strength of character Susan was displaying by this comment. Having always had love and support from his family, he could only imagine the terrible feeling of loneliness she must feel, having no one to depend on at this important time in her life. He knew he was powerless to change her past, but he was determined to change her future. Susan would never again feel lonely if he could help it.

  They spent most of Saturday making lists of things they needed to check out, enjoying the excitement of planning the big event. About midday they called Carol Anne so they could include her in some of their plans. Susan told her all about the evening before and how Scott had proposed. She told her about some of the plans they had already made. “Carol Anne, Scott has suggested we have the wedding out at the old plantation.”

  Susan began describing the large, vine-covered arch they would have set up under the old weeping willow tree in the meadow. Her eyes sparkled as she described some of Mrs. Thomas’s suggestions for decorating the grounds. “Carol Anne, remember that exquisite wedding we watched out there last year? They had that huge white canopy set up on the lush green lawn for all the guests to sit under. That’s exactly what we are having.”

  “Everything sounds absolutely beautiful, Susan, but please, will you wait until I’m home for Christmas to pick out your dress? I want to share that with you. Would you mind?”

  “I wouldn’t want anyone but you to go with me. Actually, you will be the only person to see my dress before the wedding. By the way, Scott has already reserved the entire plantation for both Friday and Saturday, which includes all the guestrooms in the main house and the four large cabins beyond the willow. We will have the rehearsal on Friday evening, followed by a barbecue for the wedding party in the big gazebo by the lake. We decided that all the wedding party will stay at the plantation the night before the wedding so we can relax and enjoy the morning
of the ceremony. Your biggest responsibility will be to make sure Scott doesn’t see me that morning.”

  Hardly taking a breath, Susan continued to spill out the plans to Carol Anne as Scott and his parents watched her eyes dance with excitement. She had been so quiet during the planning, always cautioning them about expenses, but now they were seeing her true feelings as she shared every detail with Carol Anne.

  “Do you remember the forest-green cabin, the one farthest from the main house? It was your favorite. That’s where you and I will be staying. Scott and your parents will stay in the main house with his four groomsmen and their wives. The second cabin, the one right next to ours, will be for my bridesmaids. I’m going to ask three girls from work to stand with me. I haven’t decided if I am going to invite my sister, let alone ask her to be in the wedding. I doubt Lisa will come. If there is the slightest possibility of my mother showing up, Lisa wouldn’t be caught dead in the same town with her. And, in case my mother does come, we thought we’d save the third cabin for her. I don’t want anyone having to share a room with her.”

  Redirecting the focus from her family, Susan quickly added, “The fourth cabin will be for Reverend Allan and his wife. He’ll perform the ceremony, and she’ll play the piano. Scott has also booked a string quartet. Oh, and I want Mrs. Randal to attend my guest book.”

  Carol Anne responded in amazement, “So much planning has already transpired. Boy, Susan, I wish I could be back there to help, but it seems everything is coming together pretty smoothly without me. Did you four decide on all these plans this morning?”

  Susan started laughing. “Apparently Scott has been thinking about this for quite some time, and most of the ideas are his. We’ve simply been responding, ‘Sounds wonderful; let’s do it.’ ”

  Bubbling over with excitement, Carol Anne said, “I’m so happy for you both. I just wish I could be home and join in the fun. Have you told your mother yet?”

  “No, but I’m planning to tell her today.” Susan lowered her voice and confessed, “I’m not looking forward to it. It helps that we have so much of the wedding already planned. If I tell her what we plan to do in a matter-of-fact way, perhaps she’ll resign herself to the fact that it’s going to happen and accept it.”

  Carol Anne knew better than anyone how difficult Mrs. Miller could be and how deeply she could hurt Susan. “Please don’t let your mother spoil your happiness. I wish I were there to help you, but that will be my brother’s job from now on.”

  “I wish you were here, too. I want to share all our happiness with you. To be very honest, I’m not looking forward to living with her for the next few months. You know how she can be about anything she doesn’t like, and you know how easily I crumble under her pressure. The best thing I can do is keep really busy and stay away from her as much as possible.”

  Finally having exhausted every detail of their planning, the girls said their goodbyes and hung up. Returning to the kitchen table, Susan noticed the big grins on their faces. Slightly embarrassed, Susan asked, “What? What’s so funny?”

  Getting up to refill everyone’s coffee cup, Mrs. Thomas replied, “Susan, we were just commenting to each other how quiet you were during all the planning. We thought we were pushing something on you that you really didn’t want, so we were deciding how to back off and let you have your special day—that is, until we heard you telling Carol Anne about the plans.”

  They all laughed as Susan blushed. Scott took Susan’s hand and said, “You’re a little hard to read sometimes. I don’t know when you’re really happy with something or just going along to keep the peace, but I’ll learn. I don’t want you to be afraid to speak your mind. If there’s something you want or don’t want, please tell me. I can get pretty excited and go off on tangents and not realize I’m being selfish. If I promise to be careful, will you promise to speak up?”

  “Carol Anne told me once that when I get nervous, I turn vanilla. I don’t mean to but I’ve done that all my life. I’m so afraid of offending people; I get neutral so no one can get angry with me.”

  Having remained quiet for most of the conversation, Bill Thomas finally said, “You don’t have to worry about offending us. You’re part of this family and we love you. We all do, not just Scott. You never need to be afraid of saying what’s on your mind while you’re in this house. Happy or sad, we love you! And, may I add, I think this is going to be one beautiful wedding.”

  The rest of the day, Susan allowed herself to remain in the moment. She refused to worry about her mother or sister and determined to enjoy the experience of planning her wedding. Several times, as Scott or Caroline were bubbling over with enthusiasm about an idea that came to them, Susan found herself comparing their reaction to that of her mother’s and a cloud of dread would fill her for a moment. But she would quickly shake it off and jump into the discussion with her own brand of forced enthusiasm, which would quickly turn to real excitement. She was not going to allow her family to spoil this for her. She knew she was going to tell her mother about her plans later that day, but she was determined to enjoy this time and not think about how her mother would react.

  Chapter 9

  Susan was quiet as Scott drove them back to their apartment building. He made several attempts at small talk, but she was off in a world of her own. He knew she dreaded telling her mother. His thoughts wandered back over the past two years, and he marveled at the incredible change in Susan. Initially, he could hardly get a word out of her. She wasn’t shy, but her body language seemed to apologize for even being there. Especially that first summer, when she would act as if she was somehow intruding, reminding him of a helpless, frightened little animal. Then, ever so slowly, the real Susan began to emerge. The three of them would get so caught up in one of their treasure hunts that she would forget about herself, and then this radiant, happy person would appear. It was as if the real Susan was buried deep within this timid shell.

  On several occasions, while having fun, something happened that reminded Susan of her parents; then he would see her withdraw into her timid shell, and that dreadful look of fear would return to her eyes. Scott thought about the incredible change in her over the past few years. She had developed such self-confidence at work. He couldn’t recall the last time he had seen that timid look, but this evening, preparing to deal with her mother, that frightened little girl was back.

  Susan sat in silence, trying to think of the right words to say to avoid an ugly scene. For most of her younger life she had made excuses for her mother’s cruelty by blaming everything on her father. She needed to have an explanation for her mother’s hatefulness. Unlike Lisa, who years ago stopped caring why their mother was mean, Susan continued to try to please her mother, always hoping that one day, when everything was good in her life, her mother would become kind and loving. After all, that’s what every child needs and deserves from their mother.

  When her father was sent to prison the first time, she thought it would be good at home with him gone. It wasn’t. Her mother was even more hateful, but Susan, at eight years old, convinced herself it was because they had so little money. She was sure that if there were enough money, her mother would be happy and kind. Lack of money was the problem, not her mother.

  It had taken almost eighteen years of enduring this insufferable woman before Susan could finally admit that her mother, for whatever reasons, was a vicious person who had no desire to change. Yes, her mother had lots of reasons to be bitter and angry. She had suffered horribly for years at the hands of her husband. When Susan first started talking with Dr. Jacobson, she would spend most of her time defending her mother’s actions. Her descriptions of some of her most violent memories were dotted with, “But she couldn’t help it,” until one evening, when Dr. Jacobson interrupted her. “Susan, why do you find it necessary to defend your mother’s behavior?”

  “Because when people hear what she’s done, I’m afraid they’ll hate her. I need to help them understand there are reasons she acts as she doe
s.”

  The counselor paused for a moment and then boldly asked, “Do you hate her sometimes?”

  Susan couldn’t even look up. She had been denying those feelings for eighteen years. She had always acknowledged her fear of and hatred for her father, but letting go of that last thread of hope to someday have a mother like other girls was overwhelmingly painful. She didn’t want to simply walk out of her life as Lisa had done. She still felt somehow responsible for her mother. She didn’t want to write her off, but she did have to stop making excuses for her mother and learn how to live with her as an adult, not as a parent/child, and that meant facing the probability that her mother might never change.

  During the past few years, as long as she paid her share of the bills, her mother basically left her alone, never expressing any interest in her daughter’s life. On the rare occasions Susan attempted to share something, her mother would generally respond with, “If things had been different for me, I could have been someone.” Everything in Marjorie Miller’s world was measured against, “If things had been different for me.”

  Susan no longer lived in fear of her mother. After all, at twenty-one, she had a good job and a wonderful relationship with Scott and knew her mother couldn’t hinder her plans. At special times, though, she was painfully reminded of what she didn’t have. She didn’t have a mother who would be happy and excited for her. She knew she wasn’t going to be able to share with her mother all the plans for the wedding. It was during these times that her feelings of loss were intensely painful. She had come to accept her mother’s shortcomings in everyday life, but as realistic as she was about her mother, her feelings of loss at these special times were harder to accept. She also knew there wasn’t going to be a good way of breaking the news of her engagement. This wedding would represent everything the woman hated. She hated well-to-do snobs. She hated churchgoers. She hated her daughter’s uppity behavior. She hated her daughter having the things she never had. But most of all, Susan knew her mother was going to hate her moving out—not because she was going to miss her, but because Susan’s money had made life a little easier for the past few years.