Chasing Hope

by Nancy Stopper

  Maddie gasped. Who could do that to their own child? Sure, Maddie’s childhood hadn’t been great, but her mother had done everything she could to take care of Maddie. She’d always had a roof over her head and food to eat. She was just lonely.

  “Her mom got her act together and Sofia was returned to her. Several times. She’s almost seven now and many kids like Sofia bounce back and forth between home and foster care.”

  Justin’s arms tightened around Maddie as she snapped her head to Wanda. “What? Why would they do that?”

  “If possible, they try to keep a family unit together. Juanita would get her act together for a couple of months, just long enough for Sofia to get settled again, and then she’d meet a new man and the pull of drugs was too much for her to resist.”

  “Sofia said she was an orphan.”

  “About six months ago she was found wandering around her apartment building, her dress filthy and no shoes on her feet. Her mother had died from an overdose. Sofia doesn’t talk about it much, but from what we can gather, she was with her mother’s body for more than a few days before she was found.”

  “Oh my God, that’s awful.” That explained the shadows in Sofia’s eyes and her reluctance to join Aiden in the pen. What other horrors had this little girl seen in her short life?

  “She goes to foster homes from time to time, when we can find space, but right now she’s living at the group home. The kids go to school and they get counseling and we have an adoption fair about once a month. We hope we can identify another foster home for her soon, but the system is so overwhelmed with kids that we don’t have enough homes for all of them.”

  “And she hasn’t been adopted? After all this time?”

  “A lot of kids her age won’t be adopted. Families are often looking for babies or toddlers. The kids at the group home form their own family relationship until they age out at eighteen.”

  Maddie was struck by these stories about people who threw away their kids. She’d never do that to one of her children. All she wanted was to have a houseful of kids, but that hadn’t happened. Yet this is how other women treated the ones they had?

  She climbed over the rail and rushed out of the room.

  “Maddie.” Justin’s voice trailed after her, but she didn’t stop. She’d tried, she really had, but she couldn’t take it anymore.

  * * *

  Justin caught Serena’s eye and she nodded. Everyone in his family understood what he and Maddie had been going through.

  Serena’s gaze softened. “Go. I’ll watch Aiden.”

  He laid his hand on Serena’s shoulder and then rushed after Maddie. This had been too much for her. Sure, there had been some positive changes in her recently, but he should have taken better care to protect her.

  The stories they’d heard today were heartbreaking.

  He followed Maddie’s sobs until he found her crouched behind a shade tree near the outside yard. “Oh, Maddie.”

  He pulled her to her feet and gathered her into his arms, her fists pulling at his shirt as she sobbed. If only he could make this better for her. To give her what they both craved with every bit of their being. She had so much love to give.

  “How could anyone do that to a child? Just throw them away like that?”

  He agreed. As rough as his childhood had been, he could say for certain that his parents had loved him and would have done anything for them. “I don’t know, honey.”

  If only he could take away her pain. He lowered himself to the ground, his back to the tree. That was better. She curled into him, still clinging to his shirt. He whispered in her ear about nothing in particular, just trying to soothe her until her body calmed and the sobs quieted.

  He felt the minute she shook off the grief. Her shoulders squared and her back straightened.

  She swiped under her eyes and turned to him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to fall apart all over you.”

  He tightened his arms around her. It hurt him to see her upset, but he didn’t regret the fact that she was back in his arms where she belonged. His shoulders were broad enough to bear her pain. And he hadn’t been doing his job recently. He’d been so focused on his own issues and frustrations that he’d lost track of the fact that his wife was hurting. “You can fall apart on me anytime. Two shoulders, no waiting.”

  She chuckled. Good. Laughing was much better than crying.

  She wiggled her butt, and her eyes widened when she realized what she was brushing up against. He shrugged. His sexy wife was sitting on his lap. Her gaze darkened. She snaked her arms around his neck, leaning in. She nibbled at the corner of his mouth, swiping her tongue across his bottom lip, and then nipped at the other corner.

  She was killing him.

  He rested his head on the tree and pulled her against him. She shifted so she straddled his lap, her core pressed up, oh God, against his erection. He couldn’t take this for long. All this time, not making love to his wife. It had been all he could do to leave Maddie the other night after kissing her. The cold shower at the cottage had done nothing to quell his arousal.

  He’d had enough of Maddie’s teasing. He threaded his fingers in her hair, cupping the back of her head and pulling her to him. She gasped and he moved in, tangling his tongue with hers, sweeping around her mouth before he pulled back just enough to nip at her lower lip. His tongue followed his teeth as he soothed the spot and again pressed his lips fully to hers.

  She trembled as he danced his fingers across the thin T-shirt covering her belly. He itched to feel her skin on his. Nothing was stopping him. They were behind a tree, hidden from the prying eyes of the other people at the shelter.

  He worked his fingers beneath the fabric and skimmed the softness of her belly. She sucked in a breath but didn’t pull back. That was permission enough for him. He slid his hand around her ribs until he brushed the underside of her breast.

  She gasped.

  Good. He wanted her out of her mind for him. If only they were alone, somewhere where he could explore her body the way he wanted to, to kiss every inch of her creamy skin and drive her so wild that she was begging him to put her out of the exquisite misery.

  He cupped her breast, whispering his thumb across her nipple until it pebbled beneath the lacy fabric.

  She pulled back and whispered against his mouth. “We have to stop.”

  He sighed and rested his forehead against hers. “Yeah, I know. I’m the one who set the rules and here I am breaking them. I want you, Maddie. But I want to heal our relationship more.”

  “I want that, too.” She pressed her lips to his. “But you’re so tempting.”

  He grinned. “I aim to please.”

  Maddie shifted to her knees and straightened her shirt. Like that would hide what they’d been doing. Anyone who looked closely at her would see her swollen lips and mussed hair. He’d definitely left his mark.

  Well, he wasn’t sorry.

  Her eyes widened. “Oh God, I left Aiden in there.” She scrambled to her feet.

  He stood at a much slower pace, adjusting himself where his erection strained painfully against his zipper. This was becoming a perpetual problem for him. “He’s all right. Serena’s watching out for him.”

  She relaxed. “I guess we got a bit carried away.”

  “We should do that more often.” He was reminded of the early days of their relationship, when they took advantage of every opportunity they had, considering the days and weeks the team took him on the road. They couldn’t get enough of each other when they were together, preferring to spend time alone instead of with his teammates or her friends.

  “I agree.”

  He tried to grab her again but she skirted his grasp and jogged back toward the shelter. He appreciated how the jeans stretched across her ass and hugged her thighs for a minute and then rushed after her.

  They made it through the rest of the event without any further outbursts, but more than once, he saw Maddie’s jaw clench or her breath hitch. But she hung
in there with a strength that he’d always known she had.

  It killed him to tuck Aiden into his car seat at the end of the event and wave as they pulled away, but he took comfort in the fact that every day drew them closer than they had been in a long time.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Maddie dug into her purse. Where was her gum? She couldn’t find her gum. Her fingers finally brushed against the box and she yanked it out, grabbed a piece, and popped it in her mouth.

  She heaved a big sigh. When she’d made this appointment, she thought it was a good idea. Now that she was sitting here, the receptionist smiling at her from time to time, she questioned whether this was the best idea. Could she really talk about everything that was wrong in her life to a stranger?

  She eyed the door. It would be easy enough to leave and come back another day. When she was a little bit stronger. Tempting, yes, but she wouldn’t. She dropped her purse and sank back into the chair. Justin was working so hard to repair their marriage. She owed it to him to put in the effort. No, that wasn’t right. She owed it to herself. She deserved to be happy and she deserved to be loved.

  The door to the back opened and a woman with shoulder length hair studied the folder in her hands. Was this woman even old enough to understand what Maddie was going through? “Madeline Harper?”

  Maddie hopped to her feet. “That’s me.”

  The woman extended her hand as Maddie approached. “I’m Dr. Bryson. Nice to meet you.”

  “You too. Call me Maddie.” Maddie followed the woman down the hall and into an office.

  She gestured to a couch. “Have a seat, Maddie.”

  Maddie studied Dr. Bryson as she gathered her papers and tapped a few buttons on her computer. She then folded her hands and smiled at Maddie. “I see that you were referred by Dr. Anderson.”

  “Yeah. I broke down in her office last week and she recommended I come see you.”

  Dr. Bryson leaned back in her chair. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

  Everything. Her life was in shambles and her marriage was in the ditch. And, oh yeah, she couldn’t get pregnant. “My husband, Justin, and I have been trying to conceive. And we haven’t been able to. Each month that I didn’t get pregnant, I was more and more depressed. Then Justin moved out a couple of weeks ago.”

  “I’m sorry that happened to you. Do you have any other kids?”

  “I do. Aiden is five.” She couldn’t help but smile. Just this morning, Aiden had helped himself to breakfast and even cleaned up the mess when she didn’t awake to the alarm. It was no surprise. She hadn’t been sleeping much, her mind racing with images of Justin. “He’s so great. But I want him to have a little brother or sister. Hopefully a sister.”

  Her heart hurt at the thought of never having another child to love. For Aiden to not have a sibling. Someone who would always be there for him.

  “So, you’re dealing with secondary infertility.”

  Maddie cringed at those words. She refused to accept that she was infertile. Ironic, really, that she spent her teenage and young adult years trying not to get pregnant and now that she wanted to have a baby, she couldn’t.

  “I can see that those words bother you. I think it’s important to remind yourself that they are simply words. They don’t have any more power than you give them. Just look at it as a challenge to be worked through. I don’t want to say overcome, because not everyone is able to overcome it, but we can definitely do some things to address the issues.”

  “That’s why I’m here. I was doing everything Dr. Anderson told me to do, and I found a bunch of internet sites, too. I took my temperature, I charted my cycles, we had sex when I was most fertile. But every month I didn’t get pregnant, my heart broke. And every month, the arguments grew until we were out and out fighting.”

  “I can imagine. But addressing any problem isn’t just a checklist of things to do. I believe in taking a holistic approach to problem solving. You addressed the body issues, but what about your mind? One of the biggest hurdles to getting pregnant is stress. What were you doing to take care of yourself? Your marriage? Your family?”

  That was definitely an issue. “I got so focused on getting pregnant that that’s all I could see. All I could think about. It consumed me.”

  “A lot of women share those same experiences.”

  But they probably weren’t as horrible as she had been. “One day, I pushed Justin too far. I lit into him because he didn’t come home when I was ovulating. We had a huge argument and he spent the night at his sister’s house.” She paused. It was hard enough that he had left, talking about it with other people just added to her humiliation. “He moved out the next day.”

  “And since then? Are you talking?”

  She thought back to this past weekend. She and Justin hadn’t talked much at all. Well, not with words. They’d talked with their lips and tongues and hands and bodies. “Some. I understand why he left. He didn’t like how our relationship was progressing and felt we needed to diffuse the situation. And he was right. We’ve talked about how we got to that point. We’re working to try and solve the problems in our marriage. I want him to come home. He wants to, but he won’t until we’ve fixed what was wrong so this doesn’t happen again.”

  “But what about getting pregnant?”

  She sighed. “Yeah, that’s still an issue. I’m trying really hard not to obsess about it, especially since Justin and I aren’t having sex right now, but I haven’t stopped wanting a baby.”

  “Talk to me about why you want to have a baby so badly.”

  Maddie’s thoughts were so jumbled, she didn’t know where to start. But Dr. Bryson sat patiently, a relaxed expression on her face, until Maddie could organize what she wanted to say. “I’ve wanted a big family ever since I could remember. I was thrilled when we had Aiden and I love him so much. But one isn’t enough for me. It doesn’t mean I love Aiden less. I just need more.”

  “Of course it doesn’t mean you’ll love your son less. When we have multiple children, we have more love to give.”

  “Right.”

  “You said you’ve wanted to have a big family since you were little. Tell me a little bit about how things were for you growing up.”

  Maddie had spent most of her adult life trying to forget the worst moments of her childhood, but she wasn’t kidding herself—that was why she wanted a big family. “I was an only child. I never knew my father. He left my mom before I was even born. It was just the two of us.”

  The doctor nodded. Maddie expected her to say something about that, but she sat quietly, until Maddie was forced to add more.

  “Mom worked a lot. Sometimes the only job she could get was overnight.”

  “So you were home alone?”

  “Yeah.” She shuddered as she remembered cowering under the covers, flinching at every sound that echoed through their little apartment. How they couldn’t even afford a cat to keep her company. “And now that Mom is gone, it’s just me. I wish I had a brother or a sister. Someone I grew up with who was still around as an adult. I want that for Aiden.”

  “And for you.”

  Maddie thought about that for a minute. Was her need for a baby trying to fill a hole that she had from growing up as much as it was wanting a sibling for Aiden? “I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe. But I also want it for Aiden. And I want it for Justin. I’ve seen his eyes light up when he talks to his future niece. I’ve seen him watch other little girls at the playground. He won’t admit it, but he really wants to have a daughter of his own.”

  “That definitely sounds stressful. What are you doing to take care of yourself during all of this?”

  “For a long time, nothing. It was bad, Dr. Bryson. I wouldn’t leave the house. I stayed in my pajamas most of the day.”

  “It sounds like you were suffering from depression.”

  “I hate that word,” she snapped.

  Dr. Bryson didn’t even flinch at Maddie’s outburst. “What about depression bot
hers you?”

  Her mom’s voice echoed in her ear. When Maddie was a teenager and would challenge her mother’s authority at every turn. The fights had been epic. And Mom would always spit ugly words at Maddie. “I loved my mother, don’t get me wrong. But she had a rough life. She worked hard to ensure I had a roof over my head and shoes on my feet, but not much more. I spent a lot of nights alone and scared. When I tried to talk to Mom about it, she would throw out depression like it was a bad thing. She would wield it like a sword, holding it over my head. I grew up thinking that people who were depressed were crazy and that scared me.”

  “I’m sorry that she said that. Depression has had a stigma attached to it for a long time, but it’s just another condition like high blood pressure and diabetes. And secondary infertility. It’s a condition to be treated. You can’t control it any more than you can any of those other medical issues.”

  “I guess. It’s just so hard to unhear what my mom said. She would say that maybe there was something wrong with me and I needed to ‘talk to somebody.’”

  “Well, I’m proud that you overcame that conditioning and are sitting here today. That’s a huge step.”

  “Thanks. After Justin left, I started looking at what my life had become. I was…” she cringed and forced the sound from her lips. “…depressed… and I was going to do something about it. I started getting dressed every day. I started going to yoga with my friend. I used to love yoga but I stopped for some reason. I’m taking Aiden to the playground, and it’s hard because I see moms with multiple kids or pregnant with another child, and I want that to be me.”

  “Those are all great steps. So, what are you hoping to accomplish through counseling?”

  “I don’t know. I made the appointment because Dr. Anderson recommended I come. I was desperate. My marriage is in shambles and I’ll do whatever I need to do to fix it.”

  “What if the solution is that you don’t have another baby?”

  Tears sprang to her eyes and she sucked in a breath, willing them not to fall. She had cried enough already.