Stand By Your Hitman

by Leslie Langtry

  The fresh, salty air felt so good I didn’t want to do anything. Jimmy, Bert and Ernie were nowhere to be found. They probably got to stay at the resort. Oh well.

  A five-foot-long piece of bamboo lay near my feet. I snatched it up and decided to do a little fishing. After looking both ways, I took off my bracelet and snapped it into a straight saw. As quietly as I could, I split the end of the stick into four sharp tines, reinforcing them by binding them at the base with some leftover hibiscus bark. It looked pretty dangerous, I thought proudly, as I unhinged my bracelet and put it back on my wrist.

  It took me a while to get the hang of spearfishing. There were a couple of tidal pools with trapped fish, so I wasn’t completely hopeless. I had to smile remembering the first time the twins had gone fishing. They’d used so much C-4 that the one lake on Santa Muerta was unusable for ten years. Sigh. Memories.

  By the time the sun rose, I had a fire going and six cleaned fish lined up beside me on a large palm leaf. I was able to throw the spear to dislodge three coconuts, so we had coconut milk for breakfast. I even managed to split the shells into bowls for roasting the fish.

  “What the hell?” Sami joined me by the fire. “Did you do all this?” She was fidgeting with her fingers, and I realized she was a smoker. Wow. She was quitting cold turkey here. I had a sneaking suspicion that her language was going to get saltier as time wore on.

  “Yup. Want some? I marinated it with coconut. There’s some milk too.” Actually, I was pretty proud of myself. I was the Martha Stewart of Survival.

  The others slowly joined us and pretty soon we were all eating breakfast. Silas was particularly interested in the spear I’d made. I couldn’t tell if he was suspicious or impressed. Somehow, I knew this was going to be an ongoing problem.

  “You’re funny, resourceful and you can cook? You’re too good to be true,” Lex teased. I fought the urge to flirt back. After all, I was here to do a job and there was no way I could admit Mom was maybe a little bit right about me.

  “You should see me change the oil on a car sometime.” Okay, I guess I just couldn’t help it.

  He smiled. “I’d like to see that.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I can’t figure out if you’re our savior or planted here to catch us off guard.”

  “Are you serious? Who in their right mind would be here when they could be over there?” I pointed at the Blanco Tigre.

  Lex’s eyes glimmered. “That’s a good point. But then, why didn’t we just book vacations instead of signing up for this sad excuse for a show?”

  “I don’t know. Apparently we were coerced and then brainwashed to think it was our idea all along.”

  “You’re probably right,” he said, as he helped Sami and Cricket to another serving of fish.

  I watched how Lex took care of the others without them realizing that was what he was doing. He cared about the team. He didn’t have to. That’s not the way the game is usually played, but he did. There was no condescension in his actions. No one suspected Lex was coddling us because he wasn’t. It’s hard to describe, but he made us feel safe without making us think we needed him to do it.

  It reminded me of my late husband. Lex had a quiet dignity that I adored. And then there was the fact that he’d picked me to befriend—obviously the man had good taste.

  “Where’s Cricket?” I asked. How did I not see her slip away during breakfast?

  “Fuck if I know,” Sami answered. “The bitch is always missing.”

  “I noticed that too,” Isaac said. “Silas went off to look for clams.”

  I sighed. “I suppose we should get something collected for dinner later.”

  Lex and Sami started working on the fire as Isaac and I went for coconuts. It felt strange to be alone with a possible Vic. No, not strange, awkward. The idea that I was friendly with someone I might have to kill very soon seemed like a breach of common courtesy. I hoped there wouldn’t be any conversation.

  I was wrong.

  “I can’t tell you how great it is that the four of us have an alliance.” Isaac smiled in utter sincerity. Damn.

  “Yeah. I think so too.” I hoped he would get the hint.

  He didn’t. “What’s up with the other team? Did you get a load of them?”

  “Um, not really.” Take the hint. Take the hint!

  “First there’s the Dr. Phil clone. And then the woman who smells like a crystal shop. That Moe guy seems okay, but I don’t know about the others.” He grinned, punching me lightly in the arm. “Hell, I think we might be the only normal people on the show!”

  I tried very hard to hate him. I imagined him poisoning kittens, eating dolphins, causing global warming…anything to avoid liking him. Isaac was in my alliance for one reason only—so I could keep him around until I had to kill him.

  “So what’s your story?” he asked as he picked up another coconut.

  “I don’t have one.” I shrugged and giggled, which made me look like an idiot.

  Isaac laughed endearingly, damn him. “Everyone has a story, Missi.”

  “Not me. I don’t believe in them.” What a weird thing to say. But maybe that was good and he’d just write me off as weird. I could live with that.

  “Okay. I get it. You play things close to the vest. No problem.” He gave me a little sad smile and walked away.

  I got what I wanted. But I felt horrible. This was obviously a great assignment. Thanks, Mom. I wandered back to camp to find our camera crew had finally arrived.

  “Oh man! Are you kidding me?” Jimmy looked pretty stunned as he joined us with Bert and Ernie in tow. “How did you get food? Coconut-marinated fish?” He squinted at me. “Did you get this from the resort?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I couldn’t sleep so I made this”—I pointed to the spear—“and caught these.”

  The crew was disappointed. They began filming anyway, but I heard Ernie muttering that they would be here first thing tomorrow morning to catch me in the act of…of what? I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I mean, the bracelet was sort of like cheating, but I didn’t see anything wrong with that. Especially when I didn’t want to be here in the first place.

  When breakfast was over, my tribe thanked me. Isaac smothered the fire and I showed them all how to smush up the coconut and smear it on their skin as a sunscreen.

  “Hey!” Julie appeared beside us, clipboard in hand. “Are you ready for your challenge?” She grinned. “I’ll bet you had a rough night with no shelter….” Her voice faded off as she saw the very nice shelter we’d made with mats on the floor. “Well, you’re probably pretty hungry and thirsty….” Then she noticed the fish skeletons, coconut husks and remains of a fire.

  It was obvious we’d taken the wind out of her sails. She expected to find us on the brink of death, and instead we had shelter, fire and food. And she looked pissed.

  “What? How? How did this happen?” she shrieked at us. No one spoke. I mean, wasn’t this the point? We were supposed to find ways to survive…right?

  Julie turned to the camera guys. “Tell me you got this on tape!” Maybe she figured she could salvage it if we’d done something dramatic, like made a pact with Satan for the food and shelter—something explainable like that.

  Jimmy blanched and shook his head. Bert and Ernie winced, fearing what would come next. I felt a little sorry for them. It was my fault. Somehow, I’d have to find a way to give them a big scoop. Otherwise, they were likely to work against me. And I certainly didn’t want them dogging me—especially when I took out Vic.

  “So, what the hell’s next? Do we get a goddamned challenge or what?” Sami barked.

  Julie winced. “Please don’t swear so much Sami. Or you’ll be edited out.”

  Sami winked at me and I smothered a giggle. I really liked her. Before I had kids, I had saltier language than a pirate with Tourette’s syndrome. Once the boys turned five, however, they decided that I had to clean up my act. The institution of a “swear jar” was pretty ingenious. Within thre
e months, they had enough to buy a car. Of course, five-year-olds can’t drive, so that doesn’t make sense, but you know what I mean. Don’t you?

  “We do have a challenge for you this morning, and it is for reward. I can’t tell you any more than that, so if you’ll all just follow me—SILENTLY—you’ll find out soon.”

  We all shrugged, which was weird, then began talking loudly as we followed her into the jungle. You can’t treat a bunch of adults like kids, and we resented her—so we acted like kids. Might as well have a little fun with it.

  The chatter seemed to annoy Julie, which in turn amused us. Nobody really had anything to say, so we pointed out every damn tree and bug as though we’d never seen anything like it in our lives.

  After about ten minutes, we entered a clearing that looked suspiciously like a resort volleyball court. At opposite ends of the court were two dark tanks filled with water. Connecting the tanks was some sort of balance beam–obstacle course. Dead center was a square platform. So this was the challenge?

  There was no time to question Julie, because our smarmy host, Alan, showed up with brilliantly white teeth and a—no doubt—resort-enhanced tan.

  “Today’s challenge is for reward.” Our host looked meaningfully at both teams. We pretty much rolled our eyes.

  “One of you stands on the platform and you form a bridge to the tank.” He pointed along the balance beam. “You hold on to each other however you can, without anyone falling off.”

  Huh. That seemed easy enough. Until I spotted the fulcrums. Apparently, the balance beams weren’t secure—they were, well, balanced on fulcrums all the way across. It looked like they could move in any direction, too. How very Hogwarts. Damn.

  Alan motioned for Bert and Ernie to demonstrate. The men sighed and put down their cameras, then climbed the platform. And while they were as coordinated as blind epileptics with inner-ear problems, I didn’t see how we were going to do any better. The beams swayed back and forth, coming apart where they were connected. We’d have to use our bodies to hold them together. Fantastic.

  “Once you get everyone across to make the bridge, the one on the end has to use their free hand to find the pearls in the water and pass them along the bridge to the guy on the platform, who will place the pearl in a bucket. When you have ten pearls, everyone has to work their way back to the platform for the win. At any time, should any of your teammates fall, the whole team has to go back to the platform and start over.”

  Wow. I was impressed. What a sadistic challenge. So, all we had to do was hold onto each other. I didn’t have great balance, so I immediately volunteered to be the pearl diver for the team. Everyone nodded. Whew. At least I wouldn’t have to keep two people balanced. I just had to stick my hand in that cloudy water and sift for pearls. How hard could that be?

  Once the teams figured out who would do what, Alan started talking. “Okay. Remember the rules. Want to know what you’re playing for?”

  Of course, we all nodded. What did he expect us to do?

  Alan walked over to a table covered with a tarp, and with an obnoxious flair for the dramatic, lifted it. “You are playing for mani/pedis and a haircut at the resort’s salon!”

  “Are you shitting us?” Sami said what we were all thinking. “What the hell do we need our nails done and our hair styled for?”

  She had a point. It was a useless reward. And it wasn’t like we’d been here a month. It was only thirty-six hours ago that I’d had a good shower. Man, this show sucked.

  Alan looked like his leg was being humped by a porcupine. “It’s a good reward—and you’ll work hard for it,” he said through clenched teeth.

  With little interest, we all climbed onto the platform, waiting for the order to begin. Whatever.

  “When we get halfway through the challenge, there will be a twist. So think of getting across as quickly as possible.” Alan grinned, then shouted, “Go!”

  Our team huddled for a moment and Isaac came up with the idea that we go one at a time, climbing across the bodies connected before us. It sounded reasonable. Hell, shooting Alan and Julie sounded reasonable at this point. Cricket took her position as the first person in line, standing half on the platform and half on the first beam. Silas took her hand and stood on the next beam. Isaac gingerly crept in front of the two and managed to add himself to Silas, firmly gripping his hand. The three of them were holding hands, and looked pretty steady. Sami went next. And even though she swore colorfully the whole way, she was very nimble. Must be from scrambling up telephone poles, bridges and stuff for her work.

  With a big grin, she grabbed Isaac’s hand and shouted, “Come on!” to Lex.

  I was a little concerned at this point. Lex was a fairly large guy and the beams were really swaying. Sheer luck was holding them and our team together. I looked over and saw that the other team was doing better.

  I flinched as Lex very slowly and very carefully moved his way down the course, clinging to each teammate. I started to get a little excited, thinking of his body against mine. I would have that chance very soon. Maybe Mom was right. Of course, I would never tell her that!

  There really was a certain chemistry between us—for which I was grateful. I mean, Isaac was cute too, and if I’d been as attracted to him as I was to Lex, I would have had bigger problems on my hands. Why wasn’t I interested in Isaac? It was probably that big bull’s-eye I saw superimposed over his heart. Knowing you have to kill someone and the fact that he’s probably evil are definitely a libido buzzkill.

  But why was I attracted to Lex? Had it really been that long since I’d been interested in a man? Maybe it was just because we were close in age and had the same sense of humor? I was a little hesitant to read too much into it. Besides, on Survivor, people lied all the time to each other just to make alliances. How did I know he was sincere? I barely knew him!

  Panic struck, and not in the good way, when I realized I’d be next. I chose the end spot because it was securely on a platform and I wouldn’t be likely to let go of my teammates that way. I’d forgotten that I had to get there in the first place. Shit.

  “Come on, Missi! It’s not hard, you can do it,” Lex called out with a wink. I got a little choked up thinking about how the possibly future Mr. Missi Bombay was being so supportive!

  With a deep breath, I stepped from Cricket and the stability of the first platform to Silas. As I kind of shimmied past him I could see that his mind was elsewhere. I wondered if he was busy concentrating on the joys of gangrene, or plotting to start another Civil War. Good luck getting everyone to wear wool and fight with bayonets.

  I almost fell as I clung to Isaac, but he saved me by looping his leg around my thigh, squishing my body to his. For a second I looked him in the eye. I almost let go out of shock, when I realized I’d never been so close to a Vic before.

  Sami broke me out of my thoughts with a sharp, “Get a move on, dumbass!”

  I climbed across her body onto Lex’s. For a moment, I let my hands linger on his body. Damn, he felt good. Finally, I made it across, standing firmly on the other platform. I was covered in sweat and shaking, but I’d made it. Yay me!

  “Now that everyone has made it…,” Alan said a little too sharply. How long had it taken me? Of course, I’d have stayed longer with Lex if I could have.

  I shook it off and Alan continued, “Here’s the twist. Inside these tanks are several fish. Most of them are harmless.”

  Most?

  Chapter Ten

  ANNOUNCER (directing men in a police lineup):

  Turn to the left. (Suspects turn to the left.)

  Turn to the right. (Suspects turn to the right.)

  Bird dance.

  —The Vacant Lot

  “Also inside the tank are two piranhas. That will make it harder to find the pearls.” The smug bastard smiled.

  “Are you out of your fucking mind, you god-damned psycho?” Sami had managed to articulate the words I was thinking—but she’d done it so much more diplomatically.
I looked at the tank and realized I couldn’t see anything in the water.

  “Of course I’m serious!” Alan’s face turned red. “It’s supposed to be a challenge!”

  Isaac spoke up. “I think we should refuse to go any further. I don’t want Missi getting hurt for some idiotic spa treatment.”

  Lex added, “She is not doing it. We’ll just bow out.”

  “You bet your ass, we will!” Sami exclaimed. “We won’t lose any members until we do the immunity challenge. This is just too fucking retarded.”

  I got a little choked up. They were fighting for me! We really were a team! Or they didn’t want the woman who’d caught and made breakfast to lose a hand. And how could I get a decent manicure anyway if a damned piranha chewed my fingers off? It just didn’t make sense. Although the idea of making my own prosthetic arm was intriguing. Hmmm. Maybe I could trick it out with an index finger that shoots lasers. That would be really cool.

  Julie started screaming. “Look! We have to keep the show competitive! Just do it!”

  Wow. She snaps easily. Good to know.

  Cricket was turning green thinking about it, and Silas looked a little too happy. No one from the other team spoke. Maybe they hoped we’d drop hands and they’d win the spa treatment by forfeit.

  Alan narrowed his eyes. “You will do it, or you will send two team members home—tonight!” By the way the veins in his forehead bulged, I guessed he was serious.

  “Look, guys,” I said, “it’s okay. Piranhas rarely attack humans. I’ll be fine. Let’s just get it done.” I looked across to my counterpart and saw that Moe, the unemployed thirtysomething who lived at home, just shrugged. Apparently, when your mom washes your underwear and getting up to go to work just means shooting for higher scores on your PlayStation, something like this doesn’t bother you.

  The team looked at me with either admiration or concern. It didn’t matter which. I’d been around piranhas before. I figured if I moved slowly and didn’t threaten them, I’d be okay. Chances were the other fish had more to fear than I did.