Stand By Your Hitman

by Leslie Langtry

  “I don’t know,” Isaac said slowly. I realized I was in danger of liking him. And that would be bad. Focus, Missi. Piranha first, deal with Vic later.

  I shook my head. It would be far worse to have to vote two people off and risk losing challenges. I needed to stay in the game until I could figure out whether or not I was to take Isaac out.

  “Let’s just get this over with. I can do it,” I said resolutely.

  “You heard the lady,” Alan said with a grin that made me want to beat the crap out of him. “The first team to have all of their pearls wins. Go!”

  I slowly dipped my hand in the dark water. Moving fast would have seemed threatening to the piranhas. Although as nasty as this water was, chances were they couldn’t see anything either. Maybe I’d get lucky and they’d be extremely nearsighted. Can fish be nearsighted? I mean, who’s going to give them an eye test? It’s not like they’d recognize a giant E, or for that matter, be able to communicate it if they did….

  My hand brushed lightly against the scales of a fish, bringing me back to the here and now. I felt two pearls on the bottom. Very slowly, I pulled them up and tried to figure out how to give them to Lex. We weren’t supposed to let go of our hands and that meant they had to travel down the line some other way.

  I looked him up and down—maybe a little too intently. The other team hadn’t figured it out either. So, I let my hormones decide and popped the two pearls into my mouth and kissed Lex, rolling them off my tongue onto his.

  Electric current ripped through me and I realized it really, really had been a while since I’d kissed a man. At first Lex looked surprised, until he felt the two pearls. He looked at Sami and the rest, who were completely shocked. Briefly, he opened his mouth and showed the pearls to Sami. She grinned and leaned toward him, taking the pearls from his mouth to hers.

  I must admit that I was a little jealous. Then I realized I should be trolling for more pearls. So I slowly dipped my hand in again and pulled up two more. Happily, I popped them in my mouth and kissed Lex again. This was way too much fun. Maybe all our challenges could involve the connection of two body parts.

  A shout of disgust came from Silas, who didn’t look too pleased to have to kiss Isaac for the pearls, but he sucked it up like a good boy in blue.

  Moe put a pearl in his mouth and leaned over to pass it to his teammate, Brick Phoenix. Brick refused, citing it would hurt his future acting career to be seen Frenching a man. I was a bit surprised to see Moe shrug and spit the pearl into the hand he was holding with the actor wannabe. Brick leaned down to put the pearl into his mouth and I decided we were doing okay.

  I carefully slipped my hand into the water, this time finding three pearls. Was it wrong of me to put only two in my mouth to pass to Lex? I mean, you gotta take what you can get when you can get it, right? While Lex was giving the pearls to Sami, I put the third one in my mouth.

  Did I imagine it? Or did Lex’s tongue lightly stroke mine? Woo hoo! Could we ditch the cameras later for a total make-out session? Suddenly, my idea of throwing the game to spend the rest of the time at the Blanco Tigre seemed like the best idea in the world!

  Unfortunately, the other team was down to two pearls left. We had three. I knew this because Alan gleefully announced it. Julie looked pissed that no one had lost a finger yet. She seemed especially upset that I wasn’t bitten. Oh well.

  I reached into the water again, scraping the bottom to try to find all three remaining pearls. Something sharp slashed at my fingers and it took all I had to keep my hand in there. I found two pearls and pulled out.

  “She’s bleeding!” Cricket squealed, pointing at me with her free hand. I’m sure she was thinking, If only I had my camp first-aid kit—I’d save the day!

  Huh? Oh yeah. I was bleeding. And the dirty water wouldn’t help. My fingers were all intact, but there was an ugly slash across the knuckles.

  “Don’t do it, Missi,” Lex said seriously.

  The others nodded. I was touched by their concern. However, I desperately wanted to kiss Lex again and I wanted us to win this challenge. So I slid my hand into the water once again. For a second, I allowed myself to check out Moe’s progress. He hesitated briefly. He must have realized there really were piranhas in there. His team seemed a tad less supportive. I gathered this mainly because they were yelling at him to hurry up.

  My fingers closed around the last pearl and I brought my hand out a little too quickly, which accounted for the piranha attached to the fleshy part of my palm. Stupid fish. I put the pearl in my mouth and closed my eyes for the kiss—piranha firmly attached to my hand.

  Lex froze a little at the sight of the fish, but then took the pearl from my mouth and ran his tongue lightly over my lips. I sighed and watched as it was delivered to Cricket and she happily dropped the last pearl into the bucket.

  “Ottawa has all of their pearls and just needs to get everyone back on the main platform!” Alan threw his arms in the air. Julie smirked. Obviously, she’d gotten her wish.

  I had to go first and I still had that fish riding sidecar. Oh well, it would have to go with me. I climbed in front of Lex, my eyes on his as I slid across the front of him. I let go and held onto Sami, eventually making it back across. As my teammates crept back, one by one, I tried to dislodge the fish.

  Unfortunately, he wasn’t budging. The bastard. He just gasped his last breath, refusing to let go. The little shit died right there, embedded in my hand. I tried to separate his jaws, but if I pulled too much, my skin would tear and I’d likely need medical attention and might get booted from the show.

  Tempting as that thought was, I decided to let him stay. It didn’t really hurt, since their teeth are razor sharp, and he didn’t pull or tear the flesh. I concentrated instead on helping the rest of my Ottawa tribe get back.

  “Ottawa wins!” Alan announced.

  The Inuit tribe looked pissed, but somewhat in awe of the fact that I continued on with that damned fish attached to me.

  “Go ahead and follow Julie—she’ll take you to your reward. Inuit—go back to your campsite. Tomorrow we’ll have our first immunity challenge.”

  “Let me see that.” Isaac took my hand and the fish in his. “He’s in there really good. I’m afraid to dislodge him without tearing your skin.”

  The rest of the group gathered around me, all offering suggestions that were completely useless. I mean, how many Canadians knew how to get rid of a piranha? It was invariably decided that we could figure something out at the spa and we reluctantly followed Julie—mostly because she was screaming for us to do so. I wondered if I’d get in trouble for taking her out too?

  Chapter Eleven

  SIR ALEXANDER DANE: By Grapthar’s hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.

  —Galaxy Quest

  Guess what? Nobody at the spa knew what to do either. And Julie was completely useless. Either that, or she refused to help. Needless to say, Bert and Ernie filmed everything.

  I can’t tell you how weird it was to get a manicure with a dead fish attached to my hand. Imelda, my manicurist, politely worked around it as if it weren’t there. I decided to name the fish Bob.

  The best part of the reward was taking a shower and putting on the fluffy, white robe. Getting my hand through the sleeve with Bob was difficult, but I forgot all about him once I saw Lex in his robe.

  During my pedicure, Bob started drying up a bit. I was sitting next to Isaac, and he was still trying to come up with a solution. I was trying to get annoyed with him, but he was so sweet.

  “I just can’t understand why no one has offered you medical attention!” he said loudly, hoping the staff might react. They didn’t.

  “Well, I’m hoping that when he dries up, we can just snap him off. He’s a little heavy,” I replied. The glassy, lifeless eyes were staring at me. Sigh. Poor Bob. He died for that last pearl.

  My hairdresser turned out to be an American expat named Gloria with a giant, blonde bouffant hairdo and a beauty mark t
hat seemed to move a few millimeters every five minutes or so.

  The minute she saw the fish, she seized a pair of shears and carefully snipped Bob off at the lips. Poor Bob. As she styled my hair (which she said really needed some work), she soaked my hand in some type of clear solution. While my hair was setting under the dryer, Gloria carefully pried the teeth out of my hand, covered the wound liberally with Neosporin and bandaged it, slipping me three ibuprofen under the table. I felt so much relief (and a little sadness) at having Bob removed, I didn’t really notice the pain.

  “Um,” I said slowly, “can I have those?”

  Gloria laughed. “Sure, honey. I’ll be right back.”

  Ten minutes later, Gloria returned with the teeth strung on a bit of leather. She presented them to me like it was the Nobel Prize. Then she took the curlers out of my hair.

  We looked ridiculous, walking the beach back to our campsite with these high, curly coifs and bright polish on our fingers and toes. No one spoke at first, and not because Julie warned us, but mostly because it was a stupid reward.

  “I’m really pissed off they didn’t help you,” Sami said on the way back.

  “I have to admit, that was really rude,” Cricket chirped.

  “You got a lot of moxie,” Silas begrudged. Apparently he approved of the way I suffered.

  “I’m going to punch Alan in the face when we see him tomorrow,” Lex murmured.

  “I’ll hold him down for you,” Isaac said.

  It was as if I already had a boyfriend and a big brother on the team. I didn’t say much—just fingered Bob’s teeth, now tethered around my neck. Two things were on my mind. First of all was my explosive attraction to Lex. I was seriously turned on from hugging his body and kissing him earlier. Granted, everyone else got kissed too, but what happened between us was special. Right?

  And secondly, I was very worried I was becoming friends with the Vic. I was on this stupid show for one reason and one reason only. He was a bad guy. I had a job to do. But Isaac was sweet. He was looking after me. And that made me very nervous.

  When a Bombay gets an assignment, we act upon it from a distance. We rarely know much more about the Vic than his dossier.

  In this case, I was spending 24/7 with Vic. Hell, I was catching and cooking fish for him! That had to be a first. And it was going to be a lot harder.

  The rest of the group seemed to interpret my silence as dealing with the pain or not feeling well. The spa staff had fed us fruits and finger sandwiches for dinner, so there wasn’t much to do when we got back to camp.

  I sat down on the mat in the shelter and suddenly felt dizzy. My hand started to throb beneath the bandage. The ibuprofen must have been wearing off. I lay down and started to force myself to sleep. Somewhere in the night, someone put some fronds over me and whispered, “Good night, Missi.” Either someone smoothed my hair, or I was hallucinating. It didn’t really matter either way.

  The next morning found me wandering off into the jungle to see if I could find any fruit other than coconut. My hand was a little sore and I needed some alone time away from my team.

  Remember when I said I didn’t know how I’d react to being around a group of strangers constantly? Well, it’s pretty damned exhausting. Especially when I’m the one who always seems to make things happen.

  The other thing was that I was missing my boys. At first I thought some time off from being a mom would be great. But honestly, I hadn’t really been away from them all that much. And soon, they’d be heading off to college. There was a blind sense of panic washing over me as I realized that this would be what the future holds. Once they went off to school, it would take a miracle (or at least the promise of greasy food and for me to be their personal maid) to lure them back. And I’d have the condo all to myself.

  I shrugged off my homesickness. My alone time wouldn’t last much longer and I did need to get some food. Spotting a mango tree, I pushed all thoughts of Monty and Jack from my brain.

  I was just reaching up to grasp a large fruit when it just plopped into my hand. Did I just imagine it, or did I hear someone say, “Mom”? I must have an infection. I examined my bandaged hand, but it didn’t seem to be swollen or seeping. I reached up and grabbed another mango and thought I heard it again.

  This time, I looked around. I’d have bet it was those cameramen, messing with me. But I didn’t see anyone. Just a couple of howler monkeys, and I could do without them.

  Have I mentioned that I’m not fond of monkeys? I mean, they’re okay, but there’s something about them that bothers me. Some people are afraid of the dark, others are afraid of clowns. My irrational fear is more like a nails-on-chalkboard kind of thing. I can’t stand pictures of monkeys dressed as people. Especially chimps. I don’t know why, but it makes me want to gag. I once threw up in a spectacular, Technicolor fashion when my college roommate papered my walls with a “Chimps of the Office” calendar for my birthday. Let’s just say she was not as amused as she thought she’d be.

  “Mom!” a voice called rather urgently, causing me to drop my mangoes.

  “Hello?” I said, staring around me. That’s it. I’ve lost it. Completely lost my mind. And on a cheap, Canadian knockoff of Survivor, no less. I knew this day was coming. I just hoped it would be sooner than later. Not that I’d be the first Bombay to flip out. My great-great-great grandma told everyone that sunflowers yelled at her all the time and developed a scorched earth policy on all flowers. Hell of an assassin, though. She once took out a Russian hitman with one finger. No lie.

  “Jeez, Mom! Up here!” The voice was louder now. I guess everyone has a breaking point. Apparently mine involved a piranha named Bob.

  Something began to unfold from a branch above me. It only took seconds for me to recognize Monty, hanging upside down from the mango tree. Oh. So I’m not crazy. Huh.

  “What are you doing here?” I whispered loudly at my son.

  Monty broke into a wide grin. He looked like a bat, hanging upside down like that. Jackson unfolded himself next to his brother with the same smile.

  “We wanted to help!” Monty said.

  “You’re supposed to be back on Santa Muerta with your grandmother! Does she even know you’re here?” I did feel a flicker of satisfaction thinking of Mom realizing the boys were gone. And I will admit, it did my heart good to see them.

  “We told her we were going camping up near the ropes course. She never goes there,” Jackson said. That was true. Mom wasn’t big on nature. Well, except for her recent interest in my glaucoma stash.

  I looked around. “You are going to get me in trouble. I’ve got a job to do and we aren’t supposed to have any contact with outsiders!” Yeesh! I sounded like that bitch Julie.

  “At least come down here and give me a hug!” I added.

  The boys shook their heads. “This is safer,” Jackson said.

  “Cool!” Monty pointed at the teeth around my neck. “Where’d you get those!”

  I sighed and filled them in. My sons announced that they thought I was the coolest mom ever, which made me happy.

  “We’re going to help you,” Monty announced.

  “Here.” Jackson tossed something down to me.

  I looked around before opening the small brown bag. It was filled with chocolate protein bars—twelve in all. Good boys.

  “We’re staying at the resort,” Monty added.

  “We’ve got Grandma’s credit card.” Jackson grinned.

  I couldn’t hide a smile. My boys.

  “Well, get back before anyone catches you. I can’t have them filming me talking to trees.”

  The boys laughed and pulled themselves into the upper recesses of the tree.

  I shook my finger at them. “Just because I can’t see you doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re there!”

  “Uh, who are you talking to?” Cricket’s voice brought me up short. I slowly turned to find her and the cameramen staring at me.

  I carefully shoved the bag into my shirt. “Oh,
just a couple of monkeys. They threw mangoes at me.” I grinned, holding up the fruit and hoping they would buy it.

  “You are so weird,” Cricket said. Bert and Ernie said nothing, of course. “You have to come back to camp. We got our sea mail.”

  “Sea mail?” I asked, realizing it was the rip-off’s version of “tree mail.” Cricket looked at me in disgust and walked away. What had I done to piss her off?

  Bert and Ernie stayed with me. So I looked up into the tree and said, “Bye-bye monkeys! I’m watching you!” Of course they filmed the whole thing. But I had to say something to Monty and Jack. They were my sons, after all. I stopped for a minute, then looked up again.

  “Love you!” I said to the tree, then headed back to camp, ignoring the strange looks from the cameramen.

  Chapter Twelve

  MICHELE: For me, it’s like I’ve just given birth to my own baby girl, except she’s like a big, giant girl who smokes and says “shit” a lot. You know?

  —Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion

  Everyone was huddled around something when I got back. Lex saw me and broke off from the group.

  “Are you okay?” he asked as he checked out my hand. “Cricket said you were talking to monkeys.”

  I smiled. “Just trying to freak her out. It was nothing.” I was relieved to see him smile back. In six months, when this aired, he’d see that I was, in fact, talking to a tree. But I’d have time to explain before then.

  Sea mail consisted of a piece of parchment in a bottle. How original. There was a map that would lead us to a clearing in the jungle where we would have an immunity challenge. The losing team would vote a member off tonight. We had a couple of hours before making the trek.

  I managed to slip protein bars to everyone but Silas without the cameras seeing. It was obvious he would disapprove, but we needed a little boost before the challenge. I told my teammates I’d gotten them from the spa yesterday.

  One by one, the cameramen took us off to talk to the camera about the game, our chances, strategies, etc. When they returned with Sami, shaking their heads, I figured she’d cursed a blue streak, leaving them with nothing but bleeped-out language.