Whiskey and Regret

by Danielle James

  When I stood from the couch, my stone shoulders tugged at my body. It didn’t matter. I had to relieve some stress.

  I walked to the huge floor to ceiling window facing the street and lit all fifteen of my candles. I loved the flicker of the flame and the soft aura of heat candles put off. They lulled me into a state of peace no matter where I was or what was going on.

  After they were lit, I sat at my stool and looked up at my well-played Lyons & Healy harp, which I’d affectionately named Sunshine. It had been mine ever since I was ten years old. I was barely big enough to play properly but I managed. I grew up with Sunshine. It was as much a part of me as my fingers.

  I rolled my shoulders, loosening the muscles, then shut my eyes and plucked the strings. Music filled the air and the fine hairs on my arms stood on end. That never got old. That’s how I knew the harp was my true love. Nothing else made my hairs stand up that way.

  Maybe if I played long enough, all my problems would melt into the sea and wash away. Or maybe that was me being my usual delusional self, swept away by the music.

  …

  TWO

  “Senator Evander Freeman, I hereby grant you full custody of Francesca Freeman. I have taken into consideration Francesca’s wishes along with my best judgment. Miss Freeman, you’re still allowed to see your child as Senator Freeman sees fit. At your request, Senator, visitation will be handled between the two of you.” Judge Parker looked between Alexis and me then closed his folder and stood from the table. “If we’re all done here, everyone is dismissed. Have a good day.”

  I begged for us not to have to set foot in a courtroom because I knew it would only bring down more drama and publicity on our heads. I didn’t want that for me, Frankie or Alexis even though she got on my damn nerves.

  “Well, I hope you’re happy now, Van. You got what you wanted and I look like a horrible mother in the process. Wonderful.” Alexis stood from the table and smoothed out imaginary wrinkles on her white Burberry wrap dress then shot a deceitfully pleasant smile at me. “So, I guess you’ll let me know when I can see my own daughter, Van?”

  “I will. It’ll probably be once I determine if you’re able to sit your ass down long enough to spend time with her instead of taking her out of school so you can go on vacation and then leaving her in a hotel room for days without answering your phone.” It was a sharp and low blow. I knew it. I didn’t care.

  When Frankie called me from Barcelona crying, I knew it was time for me to assume full custody. She’d been cooped up in a hotel for three days and couldn’t get in contact with Alexis. The fact that my ex-wife didn’t take it seriously really pissed me off.

  “Any other twelve-year-old would have been ecstatic to be alone in Barcelona. I was giving her freedom,” she’d said. Bullshit. Alexis was partying and knew she couldn’t bring a kid with her so she dumped our daughter in a hotel under the guise of a fun experience. She could have called me. I would have gladly watched Frankie. That would have meant admitting to her irresponsible parenting though.

  Alexis blinked at my words. The muscles in her face tightened…or maybe it was the Botox injections. Whatever it was, I saw her expression harden.

  “Fuck you, Van. I don’t have to stand here and listen to you insult me in front of our daughter.” She snatched her Chanel purse from the conference table and hooked it over her shoulder. “You come in here with your little judge friends, getting them to grant you full custody when you know damn well if you weren’t a senator, they wouldn’t have even heard your argument.” She slid a pair of sunglasses on her heavily sculpted face and glared at me from behind the lenses. “You can’t keep her from me.”

  “I’m not trying to. I just want her to be able to go to school like a normal kid. Not hanging out in Barcelona. Alone and afraid.”

  “She was not afraid. Please spare me that shit.”

  “She sure sounded afraid when she called me at three in the morning crying, Alexis.” I frowned. “You know what? I don’t know why I always let you pull me down to your level. We’re done here. Contact me when you’re in town long enough to see Frankie.” I looked at my daughter, who bore the red cheeks of embarrassment, and cursed myself for acting that way in front of her. “Come on, sweetie let’s go.”

  “Mom, I’m sorry,” Frankie said softly before we left the room.

  “Save it, Frankie. Mommy needs time to cool off before we can talk about this. We will talk about it though.”

  I nearly ground my teeth to dust trying to bite my tongue. I took hold of Frankie’s hand and tugged her into the hallway so we could leave.

  “Daddy, you know I wasn’t trying to cause drama between you and Mom, right?” Her big brown eyes pleaded with me once we were in the backseat of my chauffeured Lincoln. I reached over and rubbed the back of her hand.

  “I know. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I hate feeling like she’s mad at me.”

  “You know your mother. She has tantrums but she’ll settle down and hopefully, you two can talk about it. I don’t want you to feel bad for calling me. You did exactly what you were supposed to do.” Even though I showed my ass in the conference room with Alexis, I wanted to make a point to never badmouth her in front of Frankie. I did badmouth the fuck out of her in my mind though.

  I hated seeing my kid so down over something that wasn’t her fault. Frankie was an upbeat girl who always had an answer for everything. She was a smartass, which she got honestly from both parents, and she was smart as a whip. Moping wasn’t like her but Alexis could get inside her head and make her feel bad for nothing at all.

  “Hey, what do you say we go to my office and you can raid all my snacks?” I smiled and nudged her side trying to coax a pretty grin onto her face.

  “Cool. Are you going to have Apollo watch me?” She cocked an eyebrow up at me and I nodded. Apollo was my personal security guard. Now that I was going to have Frankie with me all the time, I needed him on her. I’d eventually get her a guard of her own but until then, I didn’t mind Apollo guarding her.

  “He’s so boring and mean.”

  “He’s not mean,” I chuckled, scrolling through my phone, reading emails and texts. “I’m going to set up interviews for a nanny next week. I want you to come up with your own list of questions for her.”

  “Nanny? Excuse me?” There was my kid. “I’m twelve not five.”

  “Yeah, you’re twelve. Not eighteen. Not even sixteen. You’re going to have a nanny.”

  “Why?” She squeaked folding her arms. “I’ve been going back and forth between you and Mom for two years and never needed one before.”

  For the past two years, Alexis and I made our custody arrangement work. I insisted that Frankie be enrolled in a school in the city and that she didn’t move too far away from me so I could see her. In turn, I didn’t mind if Frankie and Alexis spent summers abroad. Whenever Frankie was with me, I moved heaven and hell to make sure I got the most out of every second with her.

  I postponed meetings, brought her into the office, and when I couldn’t have my eyes on her, I had Apollo. Things were different now.

  “You’re usually with your Mom, that’s why. When you’re with me, I make sure I clear as much of my schedule as possible and have Apollo keep an eye on you. Things are different with me having full custody. You can spend every other weekend with your mother but now you’re going to be living with me full-time.”

  “Yeah, but a nanny? Some old wrinkled lady with a stick up her ass telling me what to do every five seconds.”

  “Woah, Frankie, I don’t know what your mother lets you say around her but you know I don’t tolerate language like that.” My brows crashed together as I regarded her. Who the hell had my little girl turned into?

  “Of course. Perfect Senator Freeman can’t hear his daughter utter a curse word.”

  “What?” I snapped. The car came to a stop in front of my office building but I held Frankie’s gaze for a little while longer. When the driver opened
her door, she got out in a huff and immediately buried her nose in her phone. I got out, snatched the phone from her fingers, and looked her square in the eye.

  “I know I spoil you, Frankie but your attitude isn’t going to fly. I’m not your mother. I’m going to give you another chance to get your act together before you’re on lockdown.”

  I hadn’t intended for my tone and words to make her brown eyes wet with tears but that’s exactly what happened. Frankie bit her bottom lip and sped into the building, leaving me with an impending headache.

  “Good morning, Senator Freeman,” Tanya, the front desk clerk greeted me with a bright smile.

  “Good morning, Tanya. Did you see which way my daughter went?”

  “She got on the first elevator. I think she’s headed to your office, sir.”

  “Thanks.” I winked and she grinned a little wider. As I strolled to the golden elevator doors, I felt my back heat up. I looked over my shoulder and saw Tanya staring at me while I walked away. An expertly tailored Brunello Cucinelli suit with double back vents was enough to make any woman stare.

  When our eyes met, she dropped her gaze to the shiny marble floor and I chuckled. “Have a good day, Tanya.”

  When I reached my floor, Apollo stood in the doorway of my office with a frowning Frankie. “There you are,” I sighed. “Let’s go inside so we can talk.” My office was modest and not nearly as big and glamorous as some other politicians but it was perfect for what I needed to do.

  A heavy, ornately carved mahogany desk sat in the middle of the floor peppered with alternating crystal and silver picture frames all holding photos of Frankie at various stages. Those pictures carried me through so many long nights in the office when Alexis and I were going through our divorce. I moved around the desk to the high-back leather chair and had a seat after I unbuttoned my suit jacket.

  “You lose something, Freeman?” Apollo said, flicking his stern gaze to Frankie.

  “Yeah, got away from me,” I sighed, folding my hands on top of my desk. My assistant, Navy Lucas had already left folders stacked neatly in the middle waiting on my signature.

  Frankie sat in the plush chair across from my desk and fixed her icy stare on me. “I need to speak with her privately. Thank you, Apollo.”

  He grunted before walking out of the office and closing the door behind him. Once we were alone, Frankie came to life. “I don’t want a nanny.”

  “I know that.”

  “I don’t need one.”

  “I disagree.” I leaned back in the chair and she pursed her lips together. “You need someone to pick you up from school when I’m unable to. You need someone to take you when I’m out of town. You need someone to cook for you when I have late nights, and since you can’t drive, you need someone who will bring you back and forth to my office.” I hoped my explanation helped her to understand but she was a preteen. Nothing I did or said would make her understand. “Work with me here, kiddo.” I softened my voice and leaned forward on my elbows.

  Frankie’s brown eyes lost their ice once our gazes locked. She couldn’t stay mad at me for too long. She was a daddy’s girl to the core. I made sure of that when she was born. I rocked her to sleep every night, played her all the 90’s r&b classics to get her to take naps in the car, and read her books using my best voices. She was my world and I knew I was hers.

  “I get the final say-so on whoever this old woman is. Deal?” She aimed a white painted nail at me and I nodded, letting a smile sweep over my face. I got her to come around at least a little. That’s all I asked for.

  …

  THREE

  The only thing my parents let me keep was the money I had in my checking and savings accounts. It wasn’t much but it was enough to hire movers to pack my shit up and move it to a storage unit.

  I didn’t have much time to get out of my beautiful apartment, so I was trying to get on top of it before they physically kicked me out. That meant they’d have to touch my harp and I’d fight them before I let that shit happen. Sunshine was my child. Point blank. Period.

  Once the movers had most of my things packed into the truck, they headed outside. One of them hung back to get my signature and to confirm where I wanted my things stored.

  He was fine as fuck.

  He ticked all the boxes on my list and I wanted him to tick one more box if he had the time…

  He was tall.

  Chocolate.

  Perfect white teeth.

  Broad shoulders.

  Tattoos.

  Bingo.

  Playing the harp wasn’t the only way I released stress. If there was good dick around, I’d sniff it out like a bloodhound. Mama needed some stress relief even if it was only a quickie from a mover. Something about those clean gray overalls against his deep brown skin made my nipples hard. I was definitely experiencing blue-collar lust. That was a real thing, right?

  “Can you sign here?” He asked, his voice was so deep and smooth I wanted to burrow under it like a blanket. I took the pen from his hand and signed my name on the line then smiled up at him. “Thank you,” he grinned showing even more of his pretty teeth.

  “You’re welcome. Hey, how long before you have to deliver the boxes to their destination?” I pulled the hair tie out of my curly puff and let my kinky spirals bounce free. I squeezed the curls in place with my hands while I listened to him talk.

  “In an hour. We’re on lunch as soon as we leave your place. Why?”

  Oh, he knew why with his sexy ass.

  “Well, I’m stressing about this move and I’m absolutely not ashamed to tell you that I use dick as a stress relief method.”

  A deep and loud laugh fell from his lips as he tucked his clipboard beneath his massive arm. He said, “Wow, you’re…forward.”

  “I am. I don’t like to waste time.” I pulled my Calvin Klein tank top off and tossed it to the side, baring my breasts. His eyes dropped and he let out another chuckle while he rubbed the back of his neck.

  “You’re serious right now?” He looked down at the clipboard and back up at me, “Xari? Am I saying that right?”

  “Yup. The X sounds like a Z. My parents were fancy and dramatic,” I shrugged. “So, are we fucking or what? I have condoms.” I tipped my head to the side and ran my tongue over my lips. “You look like a gold wrapper guy. Am I right?” I already saw his erection thickening in his overalls. He was definitely gold wrapper material.

  “Gold wrappers all day.” He set the clipboard down and shut the door then he unzipped his overalls like a good boy.

  “Fuck, you’re sexy,” I purred. “Come here, let me do that.” I tugged him over to me and unwrapped him like the king-sized chocolate bar he was. Then I rode his dick on the floor in front of Sunshine. Hopefully, she had her eyes closed.

  Mr. King-sized chocolate bar gave me everything I needed. I achieved my own orgasm from stroking my clit while his thick dick filled me up. He tried to touch my clit but I brushed his hand away because I already knew he wouldn’t know what the fuck he was doing. I was driving the boat. Not him. He was there for the thrill of it.

  “I never fucked a girl with a clit ring before.”

  “Congratulations,” I smiled. “Now you have.” I pulled my curls back into a high puff and sat on the stool in front of my harp.

  “So, can I get your number, Xari?”

  “Oh, no. Absolutely not. This was just momentary stress relief. I thought I mentioned that. I don’t do the dating thing.”

  “Well, we can be friends with benefits. I’m cool with that.” He shrugged his arms into the sleeves of his uniform and licked his lips watching me shimmy back into my tank top.

  “We can’t. You’ll catch feelings. I’m not a feelings type of girl. I had fun though. Thanks.” I touched the side of his face and opened the door for him. “I know your coworkers are pissed,” I sang.

  “Yeah…they probably are. I just ate up lunchtime.”

  “Aw. That sucks. Bye.” I wiggled my fingers at him and cl
osed the door, tucking one last rebellious curl under my ponytail holder. Now that my stress was under control, I needed to call Navy.

  “What is it?” She answered in a hushed tone.

  “Are you at work?” I ran a hand along my harp and started lighting candles. It didn’t matter that it was still daylight. Feeling their heat comforted me no matter what time of day it was.

  Even though I wasn’t playing Sunshine right then, the balls of my bare feet automatically pressed against the cherry wood floor, flexing my calf muscles. I was in playing position.

  “Yes, like normal people,” she quipped.

  “I get it. I’m trash. I’m trying to work through that though.”

  “Are you? Doesn’t seem like it. You’re about to get evicted and you have no idea how you’re going to pay me back or come up with the money for your next car payment.”

  “I also have nowhere to live so can I please crash on your couch at least for a few weeks, Navy?”

  “Nope. Not happening.” There was a pause on the other end before she continued. That pause seemed to have promise, so I listened closely. “I might be able to get you an interview for a job that also offers free housing.”

  “Free housing? I’m cautiously curious,” I told her, positioning my fingers against the middle register of strings.

  “My boss needs a nanny for his…”

  “Nope. Next.”

  “Xari, you can’t be picky right now. His daughter is twelve so it’s not like you have to watch a baby or a toddler. She’s super independent and you’d get your own guest quarters, a car, and a paycheck weekly. You can’t beat that in your situation.”

  I shut my eyes and mimicked the movements of Donizetti. I was born to play the harp. Why couldn’t a seat on the New York City Philharmonic open up for me? I’d take the Maryland Philharmonic or the National Philharmonic too. That was the only thing I wasn’t picky about.

  “Hello?” Navy’s voice cut through the melodies dancing through my brain.

  “I’m here. I’m sure your boss is nice but do you think I’m the right person to watch a twelve-year-old all day? I just fucked one of the movers taking my boxes to storage and I don’t even know his name.”