Hold My Hand

by AC Oswald

  “It’s just… Why are you doing this?”

  “I want to know as much as I can, Savannah,” Bethany explained. “I want to be prepared. I want to be involved.”

  Her voice was serious now. Savannah knew she was trying to make her point very clear.

  “I told you before: You are important to me, and I wasn’t lying. I want you to take good care of yourself and do the best you can. I want you to eat healthfully and…”

  “And what?” Savannah asked.

  “And I want you to let me come to your doctor with you tomorrow.”

  Savannah swallowed. “How did you know?”

  Bethany stepped from one foot to the other. “I kind of saw your calendar, that little notebook. It was lying open in the kitchen. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize,” Savannah said with a sigh. It’s okay. I…I guess I want you there with me.”

  They smiled at each other for a long moment until Bethany finally pointed at the oven. “We should eat before the food burns. I put too much effort into this to screw it up at the finish line.”

  “I’m gonna burst!” Savannah moaned. She leaned back in her chair and was rubbing her belly. “This was a food orgasm.”

  “I’m glad you liked it,” Bethany giggled.

  “Seriously, where did you learn how to cook so well?”

  Bethany went quiet for a moment, the smile frozen on her lips.

  “Uh… Amber taught me a bit. She knows a lot of tricks that made cooking easier for me. You remember she works at that catering service, right?”

  “I remember,” Savannah answered, not looking entirely happy with that information. Savannah looked tired, more tired than usual. She was a little pale.

  “Are you okay?” Bethany asked carefully and Savannah nodded.

  “I’m okay, I just… I think I need some rest soon. If that’s okay with you.”

  “Are you kidding? Of course it’s okay. Energy is important.”

  Savannah shuffled over to the sofa and lay down.

  Bethany carried dishes to the kitchen sink and ran hot water over them.

  “Savy?” Bethany asked, her voice shy.

  “Mm?”

  “I just wanted to say that I’m happy you’re not wearing that wig anymore.”

  Savannah avoided her gaze.

  “I’m still getting used to being without it.” She sighed. “My hair used to be one of my best features.”

  Bethany shook her head and laughed. “Your hair was always perfect, and it still is. I’m just glad you’re letting some of your walls down again. I feel like I can finally see the real you after all this time.”

  Savannah gave Bethany a sad smile. “I just wish I felt more confident again. I wish I wasn’t so terrified of showing you how…how weak I’ve become.”

  “Weak? Are you kidding me?” Bethany said. “You are the opposite of weak. Savannah, please allow yourself a break every now and then. There’s no need to keep up any facade in front of me. You can always be honest. I’ve seen you in all kinds of situations, remember? Hell, you’ve seen me in all kinds of situations. You don’t have to feel awkward or insecure in front of me.” Bethany knelt before the couch and squeezed Savannah’s hand.

  “Remember how I felt when I got chicken pox? I was twenty or twenty-one, and I was so whiny and embarrassed because I thought chicken pox was only for children. Do you remember that?”

  Savannah smiled at the memory. “I do, Beth. How could I forget?” she whispered.

  That provoked a laugh. “It was itching so badly, and I was crying actual tears. I thought I looked so ugly with those spots everywhere, as if I had had pimples all over my body.”

  “It wasn’t that bad,” Savannah replied with a grin.

  “Oh, it was, and you know it! But you never made me feel bad about it. You insisted on helping me with the lotion, and you told me you loved me and that there was absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You always knew how to make me feel better. You even let me choose the movie we watched that night, and we both know that’s never a good idea.”

  Savannah chuckled. “Oh God, you made me watch Dude, Where’s my Car? for the umpteenth time. It’s such a fucking awful movie!”

  “We should watch it again sometime,” Bethany teased, and Savannah rolled her eyes.

  “Oh, oh, or remember that one time when I called you at work?” Bethany blurted out, barely able to control her laughter.

  “Oh God, Beth,” Savannah groaned and buried her face in her own hands.

  “Why are you reminding me of this? I had put you on speaker in a meeting because I thought it was important, and what did you do? You told me you were naked and thinking of me. That was even more embarrassing for me than it was for you, and now it’s supposed to make me feel better?” Savannah asked, frowning.

  She had wanted to kill her assistant that day. And she had wanted to kill Bethany.

  “C’mon Savy, I can see that hidden smile on your face.” Bethany stuck out her tongue. “We totally got over it, and in fact,” she mumbled, “I think we had the best sex ever when you came home.”

  Bethany bit her lower lip and batted her eyelashes in a manner that Savannah had always loved. Oh sweet, innocent Bethany, who had never been that innocent after all.

  “Yeah, it was pretty good,” Savannah admitted, nodding and smiling to herself at the inevitable wave of memories.

  This had been only a few weeks before Savannah had gotten her test results. A few weeks before they had told her about the liver cancer. Before she got the news that it had already spread and it looked bad for her. Before her world had fallen apart and she had slowly started pushing Bethany away. It was a happy memory. A careless one.

  Bethany’s hand was still lying on Savannah’s, but their smiles had faded. They were looking at each other in a way that didn’t require words. There was trust between them. A deep kind of trust that they had started building up years ago. Sure, there had been lies, sure there had been betrayal, but in the end, this strong connection remained.

  Their faces were dangerously close to each other when Bethany ran her hand through Savannah’s short hair. There was absolutely nothing weak about the picture in front of her. Savannah was a beautiful, strong woman. Absolutely stunning.

  “You’re so pretty,” Bethany whispered. “Still so beautiful.”

  Savannah blushed and closed her eyes for a moment to take in the feel of Bethany’s soft strokes.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered, but before Bethany had the chance to answer, her phone vibrated in her pocket. They were drawn back to reality in an instant.

  “Ams? Yeah. Yes, I’m still here. No. Well, if you like you can pick me up here, sure, yes. Okay. Then I’ll see you soon.” Bethany cleared her throat.

  “I promised to come home to her tonight. I wasn’t there last night, so I guess I have to, you know? I don’t want her to be—”

  “Beth!” Savannah interrupted her. “Beth, it’s okay. It’s totally fine. I want you to enjoy the rest of the night. I’m no fun anymore. I’m really fucking tired.”

  “But I’ll see you tomorrow, right? I can pick you up. Around ten a.m.?”

  “Sounds like a plan,” Savannah replied before pulling Bethany in for a tight hug. Sometimes Savannah was scared, deep down, that it might be the last time they’d see each other.

  Bethany put a small kiss on Savannah’s hair and rubbed her hands along her back.

  “Sleep well, okay?” she whispered and Savannah nodded.

  “You too, Beth. And thank you for…er…the food.”

  Bethany smiled. The food. Yeah.

  Chapter 7

  “How was it?” Amber asked.

  Beth had no response.

  “Beth?”

/>   “Uh. Yeah, sorry.” She stirred herself and began to change into her old sweats before sinking down onto the bed. She hadn’t said a word since Amber had picked her up from Savannah’s place, and she still didn’t feel like talking.

  “We ate together.”

  Amber swallowed visibly. “You cooked?”

  “Mm.”

  Amber sighed and changed into more comfortable clothes herself. Bethany thought that it must be pretty obvious that she didn’t want to talk, so she headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash off her makeup. She looked at herself in the mirror and took a deep breath. This wasn’t easy. Was there a guidebook that told you how to deal with such a situation? How to rebuild your relationship with your dying ex while still having a romantic relationship with another woman? If so, she really needed it.

  “You want to watch a movie or something?” Amber asked.

  Bethany shrugged.

  “Or, like…maybe talk?” Amber pressed.

  Bethany patted the spot next to her on the bed.

  “I just feel drained, to be honest,” Bethany said. She wrapped an arm around Amber, who rested her head on Bethany’s shoulder.

  “You were on my mind all day,” Amber whispered, snuggling closer to kiss Bethany’s cheek and neck. She found the spot at Bethany’s earlobe that always made her giggle when she nibbled on the skin there, but Bethany didn’t react. Amber let her hand travel upward and lifted Bethany’s shirt in the process.

  Bethany’s thoughts went wild. It wasn’t wrong to want to be close to her, was it? They hadn’t had sex in over a week, and she missed feeling her, missed kissing her. Shouldn’t it be nice to let go a little? To enjoy being cared for? Still, Bethany’s body stiffened under Amber’s touch, and she could do nothing but stare at the ceiling. She couldn’t enjoy it. Damn it.

  “You okay?”

  “Sure,” Bethany mumbled and turned her head to look at Amber. The smile on her lips was sad. Bethany reached for Amber’s hand and kissed her fingertips.

  “Do you need space?” Amber asked.

  Bethany sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. She thought about her response, even though she knew that being alone must be an awful feeling for Amber. Bethany never thought long about what she said; usually she just said what she wanted to say, blurted out whatever was going on in her mind. It was a quality that she knew Amber had always appreciated.

  “No. I’m glad you’re here. I don’t want to be alone.”

  Amber nodded again and moved closer to finally capture Bethany’s lips with her own. “I love you,” she whispered against her lips, and Bethany allowed her to deepen the kiss as she slowly opened her mouth. Amber let out a soft moan. Her right hand was running through Bethany’s soft, blonde hair while her left hand moved further under Bethany’s shirt and lightly stroked her breasts.

  She parted Bethany’s legs with her knee and moved fully on top of her, not once breaking their kiss.

  Bethany let her, her own hands slowly stroking up and down Amber’s back, her fingertips leaving featherlight strokes.

  As Amber’s thumb continued to encircle Bethany’s nipple, her mouth travelled to Bethany’s neck. Kissing. Biting a little. Her knee was still positioned between Bethany’s legs, and she pressed it down a little more firmly.

  Bethany barely reacted.

  “Hey, you with me?” Amber asked. She took Bethany’s chin in her hand to make them look at each other.

  “Yes. Yes, keep going,” Bethany encouraged her. She closed her eyes and focused on the pressure against her clit and the hand that was slowly making its way between their bodies and tugging on her sweatpants.

  Amber let her hand wander into Bethany’s panties. Her fingers travelled further down when she froze, one finger resting at Bethany’s most intimate spot.

  “Wow.”

  “Wow, what?” Bethany asked confused.

  Amber crawled off Bethany’s body and lay down next to her, staring at the wall.

  “Why did you stop?”

  “It’s okay, Beth. I guess it’s not the right time. Obviously.”

  Bethany didn’t say anything, and only one look at Amber told her that she probably felt stupid or angry.

  She could feel her hands getting sweaty, could feel her heart beating a little faster. What was she supposed to do? It was an emotional overload for her, and all of her thoughts and feelings were occupied elsewhere, but she didn’t want to push Amber away. She had tried, hadn’t she? Didn’t that count for something? It all sucked. It truly fucking sucked.

  Minutes passed, and the silence was suffocating as Bethany felt her own fingernails dig into the palms of her hand and she heard Amber sob.

  “You would rather be with her, wouldn’t you? You’re mad at me for picking you up earlier. You wanted to stay but felt guilty, so you came with me. Am I right? I stand no fucking chance against her. You still love her. Just say it.”

  Bethany closed her eyes and started massaging her temples. “Please.”

  “Please, what?” Amber blurted out, her voice close to breaking.

  “Please don’t. Please don’t make this harder for me than it already is.”

  There were so many things left unspoken, so many things she knew Amber wanted to say to her, things she could read in Amber’s eyes, which were rapidly moving from left to right as if they were searching for a way out of this mess. But no words came out.

  “Let’s just sleep,” Amber whispered and dragged the blanket all the way up to her chin.

  “I’m going to go with her to her doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning,” Bethany whispered back. The statement came out sounding so strident in the otherwise dark and quiet room.

  “Yeah. Of course you are.”

  It was the last thing they said to each other that night.

  When Bethany woke up, Amber had already left. It was unusually early for her, and Bethany knew she didn’t have to cater any event before the late afternoon. A look at her phone told her she had to hurry up a little, so there was no time to worry about any of this right now. She would try to fix things later.

  On her way over to Savannah’s, a tight knot rested in her stomach, a nervousness she wasn’t used to. Talking to her doctor would make things more real, wouldn’t it? Hearing them talk, worrying about test results. It was an awful feeling, being so powerless and having to rely on what some person in a white coat was going to say about her best friend’s future. She had never imagined being in such a situation. Life had been so carefree for her for so many years.

  Bethany picked up some bagels for Savannah on the way, though she herself wasn’t hungry. She knew she couldn’t take one bite without feeling as if she were going to throw up.

  When she arrived at Savannah’s house, Savannah was already waiting for her outside. She was wearing her warm black coat and a fluffy scarf around her neck. Her makeup and her entire outfit looked perfect. Savannah would never leave the house in a simple jeans or a sweater. As sick as she might be, her outward appearance would always remain flawless.

  “I hope you didn’t wait too long,” Bethany said as Savannah got into her car and buckled her seatbelt.

  “Not more than two minutes,” Savannah replied and greeted Bethany with a hug.

  “You nervous?” Bethany asked her, though she knew Savannah probably wasn’t any more nervous than she was herself.

  “Whatever they have to say, I’m just happy you’re there with me.” Savannah smiled and let her hand rest on top of Bethany’s.

  Bethany didn’t know where she was going, so Savannah told her the directions to the doctor’s office while keeping the mood casual with random small talk.

  She nibbled at the cream cheese bagel Bethany had brought for her, even though Bethany could tell that she didn’t have an appetite either. S
ome silly part inside of her wished they were going on a nice trip right now. To the zoo, shopping, ice skating—anything but this. They’d turn up the volume of the radio, and Savannah would sing to one of her favorite songs. Bethany missed hearing her beautiful voice. She wondered if Savannah were ever going to sing for her again.

  They’d have a bag with snacks on the back seat. Happy sandwiches with smiley faces in pink Tupperware. Savannah had always insisted they’d buy something on the way, but Bethany was a fan of lunch boxes. In the end, Savannah would always give in and prepare the sandwiches while Bethany filled a thermos with hot chocolate. Then, later, when Bethany opened the lunch box, a funny face would greet her—bread with cucumber eyes and a carrot nose. Savannah might have been tough as hell, but she was also the cutest and most loving person Bethany had ever met.

  But, they weren’t going on any nice trip.

  “There it is.” Savannah pointed at the big brown building with many windows behind a huge parking lot.

  Walking up the steps to the entrance door felt like going in slow motion, as if Bethany’s body were trying to resist entering the building. They took the elevator for several floors and walked along a bright corridor to a plain office door. Bethany saw the name plate next to the door, saw the word oncologist, and the past days were quickly replaying in front of her eyes. How had they ended up here? After seeing Savannah at the hair salon, everything had happened so fast.

  Savannah stepped inside before her, and Bethany spotted the small dark-haired woman who got up from her chair to greet them. So this was the real Loredana, the woman whom she had heard so much about, even if they were mostly lies.

  “You must be Bethany,” the small Italian woman greeted her with a handshake. “Uh, I mean, Miss Peters.”

  “Bethany is fine,” she told her, smiling. “Or Betty Boop; that’s what they used to call me back in high school,” she added, trying to lighten the mood. “You know that cartoon, right? She’s sexy, loves to dance, she—”

  “Beth!” Savannah whispered between gritted teeth.