Hold My Hand

by AC Oswald

  “Sorry,” Bethany mumbled. “I don’t know what I’m saying sometimes.”

  Loredana laughed and motioned both of them to sit down on the other side of her desk.

  “How are you feeling today?” she asked Savannah, and Bethany could see her eyes automatically scanning Savy’s body. She tried to read her mind, tried to make out the tone in her voice, but she could do nothing but wait.

  “I’m okay, I think,” Savannah replied, toying with her sleeves. “Still tired pretty often.”

  “What about pain?” Loredana asked, and Bethany felt her head turn hot. She hadn’t thought much about the side effects. The fact that Savannah was sick had been a lot to take in, so the idea of her best friend suffering from actual tumour pain was something her mind had avoided.

  Savannah swallowed. She quickly glanced at Bethany before facing the doctor again.

  “My back hurts a lot when I move too much—also my arms. The occasional cramps have gotten worse, I guess. But all in all, it’s okay. I’m taking my medication.”

  Bethany grabbed Savannah’s hand under the table and squeezed it hard. Her own hand was icy cold, as if all the blood in her body had flooded to her head to make her cheeks turn red. She could feel her own heartbeat pounding throughout her body.

  “Yeah, that’s why I’m asking. If it gets worse, I’ll prescribe you some stronger pain meds.”

  “I’m good.”

  Loredana’s smile faded as she looked at Savannah again, her gaze suddenly serious. “Savy, I’ve looked at your results, and you don’t have to pretend for anyone, okay? The meds can make it better, I promise. I can add some pills for muscle relaxation. It will help with the cramps.”

  It was Savannah’s turn to squeeze Bethany’s hand now, and Bethany could feel her shift nervously on the chair next to her.

  “I said I’m good.”

  “Okay.”

  Loredana was staring at some papers in front of her now and took some notes. “I want to talk to you about the test results, Savannah. Would you like us to do that privately?”

  “No,” Savannah said, her voice firm. “I have nothing to hide from her.”

  “All right.”

  Bethany wanted to ask questions, wanted to hear Loredana say that it was going to be okay, but she remained quiet. She didn’t let go of Savannah’s hand and had no idea what to focus her eyes on. She had to be strong for Savy. She had to.

  “Savannah,” Loredana started, her eyes still fixed on the papers, “I’m afraid it turned out that the last chemo didn’t quite take effect as much as I had hoped. There are several more metastases on your spine, so it’s not surprising you feel pain in your back.”

  Bethany bit the inside of her cheek hard, Loredana’s words echoing in her mind.

  “Also your lungs are affected and—”

  Savannah raised her hand, motioning Loredana to stop. “It’s okay. Lory, it’s all right. I didn’t want that chemo anyway. You know that.”

  “What are you talking about?” Bethany blurted out and immediately let go of Savannah’s hand. “What do you mean you didn’t want it? What does this all mean? I read so much about cancer, so much about liver cancer. The books said it could be healed. They said that—”

  “Bethany,” Loredana interrupted, her voice soft. “The thing is that liver cancer is extremely hard to detect in the beginning. The symptoms are usually small, mostly not noticeable enough for a patient to get worried and consult a doctor. In most cases, such as Savannah’s, liver cancer is detected during a routine examination, at a point when it’s already too late to treat it before it gets the chance to spread. Do you understand that?”

  Bethany nodded, her cheeks flushed, her eyes tearing up.

  “We were all hoping that the chemo would be more effective, but the cancer is very aggressive. Of course, it would be possible to try another round, but I have to admit that I don’t think it is going to increase Savannah’s life expectancy. If anything, it is going to make her feel a lot weaker.”

  Tears were streaming down Bethany’s cheeks now, and Savannah tried to smile as she patted her leg under the table.

  “Hey Beth-Beth,” she said softly. “No tears; it’s not a surprise.”

  Bethany felt like pushing the goddamn chair away and running out of the small, suffocating office. She pinched her skin hard, wanting to wake up from this nightmare. She would wake up, right? It was just a fucking nightmare.

  Of course, Savannah had already told her the most terrifying facts. Of course, she had told her how slim her chances of recovery were. But hearing all this out of a doctor’s mouth? Too real. Too fucking real.

  “We are all here for Savannah’s support, Bethany.” Loredana tried to calm her down. “We have the most excellent doctors here at our local hospital. You’re not alone in this.”

  “Excuse me,” Bethany breathed out, feeling her breath shorten, the lack of oxygen making her dizzy. “I… No. Can’t. Need air. I’m sorry.”

  With that, she stood and stumbled to the door. She pushed against it, frustrated when it didn’t open. Her vision was blurry, but she could still make out the pull sign and finally managed to open it and run into the hallway. She started coughing and quickly unbuttoned the first few buttons of her blouse, scared of suffocating or fainting. She made it to the closest window and ripped it open to breathe in some fresh fall air.

  She didn’t know how long she had been standing there, her mind empty and dark, until a warm hand touched her on her back.

  “Beth,” Savannah whispered, her thumb brushing along her shoulder blade.

  “I’m so sorry,” Bethany said, on the verge of sobbing. “I just couldn’t hear it. I wanted to be here for you, and now I messed it up completely. Oh God.”

  “No, no, don’t say that,” Savannah’s chin rested on Bethany’s shoulder. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have known what she had to tell me. I never should have brought you here.”

  Bethany turned to look Savannah straight in the eyes. She was so brave. Savannah was so fucking brave. And she herself was weak, a coward who was trying to be strong for her but felt so close to breaking.

  “It’s not your fault you’re sick.”

  “It’s not your fault either, Beth. It’s no one’s fault. It’s life. And life often sucks.”

  She wondered how Savannah managed not to cry. How wasn’t she terrified? How did she do it? She took Savannah’s hand again, which felt warm against her cold one—and stared down at their entangled fingers.

  “I can’t even begin to imagine a life without you, Savannah. I don’t want it. I don’t want it.”

  Here she was, feeling like a little child again. She let herself sink onto the floor, back pressed against the wall behind her, and Savannah sat down next to her to wrap her arm around her shaking body. The floor was hard and cold, but Bethany didn’t care. She buried her head in Savannah’s neck and let her tears soak her shirt. She was going to sit here forever. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to get up again. She’d just drown in this moment in Savannah’s embrace.

  She was the one who should be comforting her, not the other way around. Savannah should be crying, and Bethany should be the one telling her she’d always be here for her, should be the one kissing her hair and whispering comforting words into her ear. But she didn’t have the power. How did Savannah manage to make her feel so safe in a situation like this? She had always been the strong one, always held Beth close, always protected her. She had been her rock, her whole life long.

  Bethany clung to the fabric of Savannah’s jacket as if her life depended on it. She wanted this feeling to go away, yet she didn’t want this moment to end. Because every other moment would bring her closer to the day Savannah would die, right? Couldn’t they find a way to stop time? To stop all the clocks on this planet?<
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  “Shush,” Savannah whispered, pressing Bethany closer so she could feel Savannah’s heartbeat, could feel it hammering in her chest, so close to her own. She wished it would never stop beating. It felt like the most important sound on earth.

  “You know, Beth,” Savannah started, her voice barely audible. “I thought I was going to be okay with, you know, dying.” She twirled some blonde locks around her finger and put a small kiss on Bethany’s hair. “But now, with you back in my life…” her gaze dropped.

  Bethany snuggled up closer to her on the dirty floor of a public hallway.

  “With you back in my life, I kinda don’t wanna go now.”

  Bethany chose not to say anything. She knew exactly what it meant. There was no turning back. Savannah still loved her the same way as she had always loved her. And she felt it too. Stronger than ever before.

  Bethany wanted nothing more than to spend every free minute with Savannah, but she had clients waiting for her at the hair salon and hadn’t yet gotten the chance to tell Patricia that she was going to take some time off. However, she was going to do that today. No doubt about it. Now that she knew Savannah’s prognosis, she wouldn’t be able to go to work every day as if nothing had happened. She wanted to do everything she could to be there for Savannah.

  They were still sitting in the car in front of Savannah’s apartment, not quite willing to say good-bye yet.

  “We can do this, right?” Bethany still felt weak from all the crying earlier. “I told you we’d get through this together, and I mean it. I promise I won’t break down like that again.”

  “You don’t have to promise me anything, Beth,” Savannah replied. “And I understand if you say you can’t do it. I—”

  “Stop. Don’t even say it.”

  “Okay.” Savannah started chuckling after a while, looking down at her lap.

  “What’s so funny?” Bethany asked, confused, wondering what on earth would be worth laughing about right now.

  “Nothing. It’s just that it’s kind of silly, isn’t it? The dreams you have as a kid or as a teenager? The things you never do because you think you have all the time in the world to do them?”

  Bethany nodded slowly, still not getting the joke.

  “Did you know that for a while, when I was younger, I had this pretty ridiculous dream of owning a motorcycle and driving off into the sunset with you? I pictured you in a sexy leather jacket, how you’d sit behind me, and we’d look all kick-ass, like a real power couple. I thought that one day we’d go on some super-awesome Route 66 journey, hang out in biker bars, make out in cheap motels on the way.”

  She laughed, and Bethany felt her eyebrows raise. Yet, she knew there was also a small smile tugging on her lips at this quite absurd image.

  “And now look at me! I can’t even play miniature golf without almost passing out. Pathetic.”

  “Don’t think that,” Bethany told her. “There are plenty of things you still can do. And we’ll do all of them.”

  “Well, I’ll certainly never own a motorcycle,” Savannah added with a wink.

  For a second, Bethany wanted to tell her they could still make out in cheap motels, but she quickly remembered that they weren’t together anymore. It was so weird, being around Savannah. She had been part of her life for so long that it sometimes felt as if nothing had changed. But there was someone else in her life now. Someone she truly cared for. Bethany felt guilty for even having these thoughts.

  “I guess I should head to work now,” Bethany said slowly, looking apologetic.

  “I know.” Savannah smiled. “Thanks for coming with me today, though. I truly appreciate it. A lot.”

  Bethany smiled and leaned in to hug Savannah. Another one of those extremely long hugs, Bethany thought. Another hug that said, “I’m scared to let go.”

  “We’ll talk later?”

  “We will.”

  Bethany waited in the car until Savannah had disappeared inside. She stared at the door for a few moments longer after it had shut and thought about the things Savannah had told her. She thought about her dreams, about how much time they might have left together, when suddenly an idea crossed her mind.

  It was never too late to make dreams come true, was it?

  Savannah had spent the rest of the day in front of the television, trying to distract herself. Part of her was still guilty for making Bethany go through all of this, especially since it was exactly what she had tried to avoid by not telling her about her illness. But now that everything was out in the open, the thought of having her back in her life meant more than anything. Even if she’d never kiss her again, even if they could never be lovers again, Savannah was willing to take what she could get.

  The ringing phone startled her for a second. She didn’t recognize the number on the display. It couldn’t be Bethany, and it couldn’t be Lory. Both of them were the only people who had lately called on her cell.

  “Hello?” she asked into the speaker, half expecting it to be someone who had dialled the wrong number.

  “Savannah?”

  “Yes?”

  “This, uh, this is Amber.”

  Savannah felt her body stiffen. What did she want from her?

  “Everything okay with Bethany?” she asked, worried, immediately scared Beth had gotten into a car accident on her way to work. It would make sense, considering how emotionally mixed-up she had been all day.

  A sigh at the other end. “Yes, everything’s okay.”

  “Thank God. But…what do you want?”

  There were rustling sounds at the other end, and Savannah wondered what the hell this call was about. “Hello?”

  “Yeah. Yes, sorry. I shouldn’t have called, it’s just…” Savannah heard her swallow. “I’m just gonna say it. Is anything going on between you two?”

  “Excuse me?” Savannah asked. She couldn’t be serious, could she? A jealous phone call?

  “If so, please tell me. Gosh, I’ll back off, okay? I’ll leave her, as much as it’ll hurt me. But I can’t be in this relationship, thinking something’s going on behind my back. I can’t.”

  “You cannot be serious,” Savannah told her, offended. “Hate to break it to you, Amber, but I’m sick, not a home-wrecker.”

  Silence.

  “I’m really sorry. I’m just kind of desperate, and I’m sorry about what you’re going through, but Bethany is not the same around me anymore.”

  What could she say? She was already wondering if she should tell Bethany about this more-than-inappropriate phone call. Of course Bethany would be different after going through this illness with her. What did Amber expect? It didn’t make Beth a cheater.

  “Listen to me, girl. I don’t know you, and I don’t know much about your relationship with Bethany, but what I can see is that you’re obviously having trust issues. Your girlfriend has been my best friend my whole damn life, and her being there for me just shows what a fucking amazing person she is. She’s also the most honest person on this planet. I don’t even see how you can doubt her for one second!” Savannah yelled into her speaker, not remembering the last time she had been this upset.

  “But you’re still in love with her, aren’t you?”

  The accusation overwhelmed her. Still in love with her? Fuck, she couldn’t even let her thoughts go that way. She couldn’t allow herself to consider these feelings, because it would only break her heart. Of course she loved her. Of course she wasn’t enjoying any of this. Of course part of her constantly felt like kissing Bethany when she was around her, but she had other things to worry about. She had to worry about death—if she let herself imagine that Bethany was sleeping with another woman every night, she’d go crazy. She blocked these thoughts and feelings out with everything she had.

  “I can’t believe you’re even goin
g there,” Savannah said slowly, her voice cold as ice. “This is crazy.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Shit, I’m sorry. Fuck.”

  Savannah had to shake her head. She could hear the embarrassment in Amber’s voice, but that didn’t make things better.

  “I’ll hang up now,” Savannah said, not waiting for Amber’s reply.

  Damn, this was a fucking mood killer.

  Savannah lay down on the couch again and stared at the television that was still running in the background. What did this person want from her? That she back off? That she tell Bethany to stay away? She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t do it anymore. It was too late for that. It’d kill her faster than this fucking cancer would.

  Sometimes she wished she hadn’t stopped talking to all of her other friends, that she hadn’t relied on Bethany as much. What had happened to the people she’d been friends with during high school? What about Joan Foster? What about Cobie Mills? Why had they all stopped talking at some point? When had she shut everyone out?

  She hadn’t even talked to her own parents in ages. They had never gotten along very well, and after their divorce and that huge fight, all three of them had gone their separate ways. Was it time to call them? Shouldn’t they know their daughter was dying? Would they even give a shit?

  Ugh, she shouldn’t have picked up the phone. All she could think of now was that Bethany was dating someone else and that this person didn’t even appreciate her, didn’t trust her. Because, seriously, there was no reason to be suspicious, was there? Bethany didn’t love her like that anymore. Right?

  Savannah sighed, then undressed to take a hot bath. Her upper stomach hurt, and she felt like closing her eyes for a bit and enjoying some warm water on her skin.

  Before getting into the tub, Savannah looked at herself in the mirror. Huge brown eyes were searching for anything desirable in her reflection, but they found nothing. Short hair, thin arms, bony hips, and her skin a shade of yellow. Savannah shook her head before turning away from the image. There wasn’t much left of the old pretty, confident Savannah Cortez, the cheerleader who had dated the beautiful blonde girl in her cheerleading squad. The beautiful blonde was now dating another beautiful blonde, someone worthy of her beauty.