Breathe

by Amber Lacie

  The bed dips from his weight. I can feel him lay down beside me. His long arm wraps around my waist and pulls me to him. “Hey. I got you. Don’t worry about any of that. They have no idea what this is.” Kissing my temple, he sighs into my hair.

  I can’t ignore the feeling of being lost. “Tell me what this is.”

  “This? This is me loving you. This is me taking care of you. This is me fixing all the pieces some other asshole destroyed. This is me helping my girl.”

  “Why? And don’t say it’s because you’ve loved me since you were five.”

  Chuckling, he pulls me closer to him. “You know me too well. You want a reason? Fine. I can’t not love you. It’s impossible. I don’t have a choice in the matter and I don’t want one.”

  “Just like I can’t say no.”

  “Yeah. Just like that, though I like to think it’s because you love me, too. But you won’t admit it because you don’t want to run from one relationship to another and you’re scared of getting hurt.”

  He is almost right. The only difference is I am scared of hurting him. “Why do you always smell so good?”

  “I like to bathe regularly. It helps keep the flies away.”

  Laughing, I dig my elbow into his ribs. “Not what I meant.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I like to wear cologne. Do you remember when we went Christmas shopping with my mom a few years ago? We were walking through a store, and some lady in a dress sprayed me with cologne. I asked you how I smelled. You closed your eyes and smiled. When you opened your eyes again, they were so much brighter. I went back later that day and bought two bottles of that stuff. I have worn it every day since.”

  “I think it was the fluorescent lights making my eyes appear brighter.”

  “I don’t care what it was. All I know is I wanted you to look at me like that again.” His fingers brush the hair from my face, pulling it over my shoulder, leaving my neck bare. “I love you.” My breath catches in my chest, as I feel his nose run up my neck. His lips sear the skin just below my ear. Goosebumps flash across my skin. My body reacts to him as if it was made for him. I need to stop this before it goes too far.

  “Stop. We can’t.” The words barely leave my lips. It is getting harder to turn away from him.

  Sighing, he rolls away from me, causing my body to feel empty and cold without his touch. “Three months. I’ll give you three months.”

  Rolling over on my back, I stare up at the ceiling. “What are you talking about?”

  “I haven’t been honest with you. I didn’t know when to tell you and everything has been so fast and I just…don’t be mad. Okay?”

  “It doesn’t matter if I’m mad or not, just tell me. No secrets. No lies.”

  “I got a new job, but it’s in Bloomington. I know it’s not too far from here, but I’d be mainly working around my school schedule. Since that’s where my school is, I have decided to get an apartment there.”

  “You’re leaving me?” Holy shit. Where am I going to go? Oh, my God. I am going to be alone. I need him. “No. No. No. I can’t do this…not without you. Shit.” Sweat beads on my forehead, along my hairline. My stomach rolls over and over. Hello, panic attack. The room gets smaller, closing in around me.

  “Ssh. Carsten, I got you. You’re my girl. I’m not leaving you.”

  “But you said–”

  “I know what I said. I’m taking you with me.” Propping his head up on his elbow, he gives me a wink.

  “Is this some kind of joke? I know I have made mistakes, huge ones to be exact, but I need you.” My frantic voice softens to a whisper. “You saved me.”

  “Baby, stop. Look at me.”

  Rolling over onto my side to face him, my tears slip from the corner of my eyes down to the tip of my nose. “Please, don’t go.” Hushed prayers leave my lips.

  “I’m taking you with me. I can’t leave you here. You’re my girl and I finally have you. You’re mine, Carsten. I would die before I left you.” Holden’s hand wraps around the back of my neck, as he places a kiss on my forehead. “I have already looked at a few places and I found one I liked. It’s an older house flipped into apartments. We would be upstairs. I called the guy yesterday. He said it’s still open. I want to take it.”

  “I’ll go with you?”

  Pressing his forehead to mine, his arm wraps around my waist, pulling me to him. “Yes.”

  “Holds, what am I to you?”

  “Everything.”

  Pulling back from him, I search his eyes for false promises. “Don’t say things like that. Who am I to you?”

  “I will always say things like that. You’re my girl. I wish you were my girlfriend, but you’ve been through too much. I know you are just trying to straighten everything out in that beautiful mind of yours. I’ll give you three months with me. If at the end of the three months you still can’t tell me you love me, then I’ll back off.”

  “Holds—”

  “End of discussion. You know you can’t tell me no. Just go with it. For once, just let go.”

  “Okay.”

  “Damn right it’s okay. Now, my dad has a surprise for you. I promised him I’d let him give it you. So, get that sexy ass up and let’s go see what he’s got.” Jumping off the bed, he holds his hand out for me, helping me step down.

  “This job you have. What is it?”

  “I was able to get a paid internship in their Human Resources Department. I’ll get a discount on my classes, too.”

  “Could I get a job?”

  “You could if you want. What about school? You don’t want to go?”

  “I don’t know. I wanted to take a few art classes, but Michael wouldn’t allow it. He said the cost wouldn’t be worth the outcome.”

  “Fuck him. He’s an asshole. I say you take the art classes if you want to.”

  I follow him up the stairs, mulling over the idea of school. I wonder what kind of job you can get with an art major.

  *****

  I can hear hushed voices arguing in the kitchen. I think I was better off downstairs. Holden clears his throat, as we step into the living room. The whispers stop for a second, but pick right back up again.

  “Sit with me.” I am not asking. I am telling him. Pulling on his hand, I take a seat on the sofa, trying to distract him from the increasingly louder argument. I am not sure what they are arguing about, but I have no doubt that it is over me. I wonder if they would have argued like this if he was moving out alone, instead of with a girl who just escaped an abusive relationship. Holden clenches his jaw, while bouncing his knee beside me. Looking over at him I ask, “Holds, are you nervous?”

  “No. She’s just making me mad. I don’t get what the big deal is. I’m twenty. It’s not like I’m sixteen anymore.”

  “Is she mad at me?”

  He places his palms on my cheeks, holding my head perfectly still. “This is not about you. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

  Letting out a little huff, I look back into his eyes, “It’s funny. You say that, and yet I feel like everything I do is wrong. I haven’t made a good decision in years.”

  “You made a good decision when you called Becca. You made another good decision when you buzzed me into your apartment.”

  “Yeah, and then I fucked up by making you leave. That was a great decision. Look how well that worked out for me.”

  “That’s my fault. I shouldn’t have left. You were scared. I knew you weren’t safe and I walked away. I don’t make very good decisions, either.”

  “You only did what I asked you to do.”

  Taking a deep breath, he leans back against the sofa and runs his hands over his face. His fingers pull at the collar of his shirt. Just as he is about to put it in his mouth, I grab his hand, linking my fingers with his. Pulling my hand up to his lips, he places a soft kiss on the back of it. “You made a good decision when you called me.”

  “I was so afraid you weren’t going to answer.”

  Holden opens his mouth
to respond, but closes it again as his parents walk into the room. His dad sits in the recliner and his mom takes a seat on the corner of the dark cherry coffee table. She presses her hands into her lap, smoothing out the invisible lines in her khakis.

  “Carsten, I want it to be clear about what I said earlier. We love you, we all do. I wasn’t excited about him leaving before and now…well, now I’m worried for the both of you.” Carol looks over her shoulder at Walt and jerks her head just slightly.

  “Oh, right. It wasn’t about you. His mother is just nervous. We just want to make sure you both know that we love you and whatever you two decide is completely up to you.” Walt gently takes Carol’s hand and she gives him a smile she reserves just for him. You can tell by the way they look at each other that they are madly in love. That is the kind of love I want to have someday.

  “Carsten, sweetie, have you thought about what you want to do with your future?”

  “I don’t know. Everything is just so different now.”

  “She wants to take some art classes. I told her to go for it. You should see her paint, Mom. She’s really good.” Holden’s hand squeezes mine. I can’t help but look up at him with a smile. I don’t know why he loves me, but I am so glad that he does.

  Carol chews on her lip for just a second, before turning towards me. “Art school. Is that what you want?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe. I can’t say for sure what I want to do with my life. Every detail has been planned for me for so long. Making choices isn’t something I’m used to. I’d like to try a couple classes just to see what they are like. I haven’t painted since my mom…it’s been a while since I have lifted a brush.”

  “Then do it. Just make me a promise.”

  “Carol, I don’t have much to offer.”

  “You do. Let him love you. It’s all he has wanted to do since the day you two met.” Standing, she gently pulls on Walt’s shirtsleeve. He jumps up, gives me a wink, and steps into the kitchen.

  “Can we eat now or do I need to pronounce my love to them, too?” Walt teases her and she smacks at him with a towel. We join them at the table and feast on roasted chicken with the most delicious dinner rolls that I have ever had. Michael would have liked this meal. I wonder what he is eating now that I am not cooking for him anymore. Whatever it is, I hope he chokes on it.

  After dinner, I help Carol clean up the mess. I can hear the men teasing each other in the living room. I like this. In my daydream, I am the mom and Holden is my husband. The thought of having a life like this with him, sends butterflies springing about in my stomach. It is a good feeling.

  “When you ladies are done messing around, I have something for Carsten.” Walt yells into the kitchen, causing Carol to almost drop a dish.

  “Done messing around? I’ll give you messing around, Walt Keating. This is your mess we are cleaning up.”

  I laugh at them both. They are perfect. All of this is perfect. I finish drying the last glass and place it in the cabinet. After making sure all of the chairs are pushed in just right, I join Holden on the sofa.

  Walt stands and pulls something out from behind his chair. His large frame is blocking whatever it is he is holding. “Now, I know you are going to leave us soon. Even though your stay with us was brief, I want you to know we enjoyed having you here. We always have. I thought you might want to take this with you.” He turns around and in his hands, is a small wooden box with a heart carved in the top.

  “How did you get that?” My fingers slowly reach out, taking the box from him. Carefully setting it on the coffee table, I slowly open the lid. Everything is in its place just as I left it. “I don’t know what to say…thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. I went ahead and sorted a few more of your things as well. You’ll find the rest of your clothes are already hanging in Holden’s closet. I’m not sure what else was yours, but I was sure of those.”

  “Walter, why would you go there alone? What if he was there?” Why would anyone want to risk running into him?

  “He was there and I said my peace to him. You won’t hear a word from him again. And I didn’t go alone. A buddy of mine happens to be a detective for West Lafayette. He was more than happy to help me collect your things.” The way his eyes darken when he says peace, leaves me wondering if perhaps it wasn’t just words.

  No one says anything for a few moments. I am in complete awe of this family. Holden and Walter both risked their lives for me. I sit quietly holding the box in my hands, tracing the heart with my fingers. This box means more than the world to me.

  “I would say this was an interesting day. I think it’s time I tuck my girl in for the night.” Holden wraps his arm around my shoulders and presses a tender kiss to my temple. My eyes close for just a second and I feel as though everything is right again.

  “Night, you two.” Carol wishes us good night and Walt gives us a silent nod. I guess he has said enough tonight. Holden waits for his turn, as I brush my teeth and make use of the bathroom before I head downstairs.

  *****

  By the time, I am finished getting my pajamas on, he is coming down the stairs.

  “Do you remember when we used to dance down here liked crazed maniacs?” I spot the mischief in his lopsided smile. He walks over to his tapes and starts sorting through them.

  “I do. What are you up to?”

  “Dance with me.”

  “I thought we were going to bed. I’m tired and my sides are stiff.”

  “If I promise you won’t have to move a muscle, will you dance with me?”

  “If I don’t move how am I dancing?”

  “No more questions. Come dance with me.”

  Giving in, I let out a sigh. I wonder if I will ever be able to tell him no. Holden bows and holds out his hand for me. My fingers slip into his and he pulls me closer to him.

  “Alright. Lift your right foot just a little bit.” I comply and he slips his left foot underneath mine. “Wrap your arms around my neck and lift your other foot.” I do exactly as I am told and he slides his right foot underneath mine. He takes a step back. I laugh as my body moves like a string puppet. He is controlling every movement. Turning around, he presses play and soft music flitters around us. I am not sure who the singer is, but the song is sweet with a soft sound of a violin mixed in.

  He spins us around and around with his hands tight around my waist. Even though I am dancing on his toes, my head perfectly reaches the crook of his neck. His grip tightens around my waist, as his hands lay perfectly against my lower back. He starts to hum and I scrunch my nose when he goes off key, but I don’t stop him. This is one of the better days I have had in a long time.

  The music slows and he spins us towards the bed. My knees bend, as they hit the mattress. I fall backwards onto the soft blankets, taking Holden with me. His deep laugh echoes off of the walls around us. My breath quickens, as I feel the stubble of his jaw run up the side of my neck. Swallowing, I close my eyes. My senses are heightened. My body is desperate for him.

  I feel him pull from me and I open my eyes to see him standing at the edge of the bed. My brow furrows, questioning his reaction. I thought he was going to kiss me. I wanted him to. Giving me a sideways smile, he walks over to the dresser and stops the music. He motions for me to scoot over and I do. My feet slide under the blankets and he curls up next to me. He pulls the long string next to his bed, turning off the light. I am left in the darkness wondering what just happened. Holden wraps his arm around my waist and whispers in my ear, “Goodnight, gorgeous.” My skin prickles from the tingling sensation crawling over my body from his breath on my neck.

  “Goodnight, Holds.” When he doesn’t say anything back, I close my eyes and drift to sleep.

  Chapter 14

  My fingers run along the bumpy scar on my right side. It is still swollen, but at least I won’t have to worry about the stitches anymore. Turning my head over my shoulder, I look in the mirror next to the plastic skeleton model on the wall. I try my best
to move my body in different positions, so I can fully see what the asshole left me with. My bruises have faded. You can’t see them anymore, but I still feel them. I wonder if they will ever truly go away. I pull my shirt down when someone knocks on the door. “Come in.”

  “I think it turned out well, considering the circumstances. If your ribs still feel sore, you can continue to wrap them. It’s up to you. Your face healed nicely, as well. Besides the small scar on your side, you are back to your normal self. I don’t see any reason why you should need to come back, unless of course you’re sick. Other than that, you are all set and free to go.” The doctor gives me his best professional smile. I am sure it is meant to be comforting, but I feel anything but comforted. I wish Holden would have come with me, even though I was the reason he didn’t. He had already missed a week worth of classes because of me. Getting stitches out shouldn’t be this big of a deal.

  The doctor pats my shoulder and closes the door behind him as he leaves. Normal. I don’t feel normal. My fingers touch the puffy pink scar again. I don’t look normal, either. Scars from someone breaking a chair over your back isn’t normal. I fucking hate Michael. I hate him for making me feel this way. I hate him for leaving a mark on my body. I hate him for living a normal life, while I am left broken in a doctor’s office trying to be normal. I have never felt so angry in my life. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to break something. But I don’t. Instead, I calmly slip my purse over my shoulder and walk out of the office as if I am not dying on the inside.

  I drive in silence back to Holden’s parent’s house. We get the keys to our apartment tomorrow. Holden has already boxed up most of his stuff. I left my clothes on the hangers, folded them over, and dropped them into garbage bags. Holden questioned my motives, but I told him it would be easier this way. I won’t have to refold or rehang anything. I simply take it out of the bag and put it in the closet. Rebecca had packed her clothes that way. I questioned her when I saw her doing it, but she was right. It is a simple solution.

  The benefit of helping a friend move is them not being able to turn you down when you need to move. Rebecca and Mark are going to meet up with us at the apartment. Holden and his dad are going to load both of our trucks tonight.