Breathe
Page 14
*****
The driveway is completely empty. It is not the first time I have been alone in the house over the past two weeks, but the silence still surrounds me as I walk downstairs to the basement. Brown boxes are stacked in the center of the room. The drawers of his dresser are already emptied. All of his records have been carefully packed away in a large box, marked ‘break any of these and I kill you.’ I jokingly acted as though I dropped it a couple of times when we were moving things about the room. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. He didn’t laugh, but I did.
His closet is almost empty. A high school letterman’s jacket is one of the few things left hanging up. I notice two shoe boxes tucked into the bottom corner. I kneel to take a closer look, when I notice two black hearts drawn on the lid of the top box. Carefully taking off the lid, I am astounded at what I find. It is full of Valentines, notes, mixed tapes, birthday cards, and so much more. They are all from me.
Leaning back against the wall, I open a card with a ridiculous looking clown on it. ‘Happy Birthday to my best friend. I love you. Momma says you can spend the night if we sleep in the living room. She said it’s not nice to let boys sleep in your room. Don’t forget to ask your mom. You can wait until after the other kids leave if you want.’
I giggle to myself remembering my dad’s reaction, when I mentioned Holden spending the night. You would have thought that I had invited the devil over. My mom sat down and talked to him about it. He was a lot calmer after that, but they both insisted we stay where we could see them. I was only nine years old at the time and I couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal.
Over the years, they became lax with me and Holden. It wasn’t unusual to find him sleeping on my bedroom floor during the summer months. The last night he stayed over was the night before my first date with Michael. We had a huge fight over it. He was so mad at me for saying yes to the date. He kept telling me what an asshole Michael was. I just thought he was jealous, but now I know Holden was right. That was the first of many bad days to come over the next few years.
My mom taught me not to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ in life, but I am not sure I will ever be able to let go of that one. What if I would have said no? Would I have been with Holden sooner? I know I wouldn’t have a soft pink scar on my side. Michael wouldn’t have been able to hurt me.
Someone coughs and I look up to see Holden leaning against the door to his closet. “I take it the doctor appointment went okay.”
“He said I’m almost back to normal.” My voice is soft and low. Holden steps into the closet and sits down beside me. His hands wrap around my waist, picking me up, and setting me in his lap. I lean my head against his chest and breathe in my perfect addiction. He can fix anything.
“You found my shoe boxes.”
“I did.”
Kissing the top of my head, he sweeps my hair over my shoulder. “Find anything good?”
“An old retainer. Why do you still have that? It’s gross.”
“A box full of notes and cards, and you have a problem with the retainer?”
“Why did you keep all of this?”
Sighing, he leans his head on top of mine. “I don’t know why you ask me these questions when you already know the answer. It’s because I love you. Everything I do is because I love you. Eventually, you’re going to have to accept it as fact and quit questioning me.”
“It’s hard to do.”
“Carsten?”
“Holden.”
“I love you. I’m not him. I will never hurt you. It won’t happen. I know I said three months, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop loving you.”
A soft tear rolls slowly down my cheek, as I bury my head against his firm chest. His hands run up and down my back. Another tear falls and then another. It is a silent cry. I don’t deserve this kind of love after everything I have done. If I were just honest with myself from the start, maybe I wouldn’t be scarred right now.
“Hey, none of that. I got you. No one will ever hurt you again, I promise…I got you.” His body sways side-to-side rocking me, while I cry on his shoulder. We stay like that for a while. Eventually, I calm down, but I don’t want to move. I feel safe in his arms.
My body goes rigid when I hear footsteps on the stairs. Holden kisses the top of my head before yelling out, “We are in the closet.”
A loud laugh echoes in the room. “Why are you two in the closet?”
“Well, Carsten was in here first, and she looked lonely, so I sat down by her. I think we just got comfortable, so we haven’t left, yet.” Holden explains it as though it was the only logical conclusion.
Walt stands by the door and stares down at us. “I thought you said you were sitting next to her.”
“I was, but then she was too far away, so I fixed it.”
“Boy, you have got it bad. Carsten could tell you to jump off a cliff and you’d do it.”
“Probably.” Holden shrugs and pats my leg, letting me know that it is time for us to move. I push myself off of his lap and step out of the closet. Walt and I look down at Holden who for some reason isn’t moving from his spot on the floor. He looks up at us, while rubbing his leg. “My leg is asleep.”
Laughing, Walt shakes his head, grabs some boxes, and heads back up the stairs. When he reaches the top step, he yells, “Come on, boy. I don’t have all day.”
I hold out my hand for Holden and pull him up from the floor. He stumbles forward into me and his lips land on mine. My eyes go wide, as my heart jumps wildly in my chest. Holden gives me a wink and turns to grab some boxes.
“Holds, what was that?”
“Most people would call that a kiss.”
“You tripped into my face.”
“I did, and if you don’t get upstairs, it will probably happen again.”
I smile at the thought of it happening again, and although I desperately want to feel his touch, I don’t want to give him mixed signals, so I head upstairs behind them.
Carol cried at least four times while we packed the truck. The first time was sweet, but after the second and third time, the rest of us were over it. There was no stopping her once she started. When no one comforted her the last time she cried, she excused herself into the house. She had finally composed herself by dinner. We ate in silence. The tension in the room was exhausting. I started moving food around on my plate, just so I didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone.
I helped clear the table after everyone was finished and was about to start washing dishes, when Holden slid one arm around my waist, pulling my back flush against his body. I closed my eyes and a contented sigh escaped my lungs. I couldn’t have stopped my reaction to him even if I wanted to. He controls my breath.
“Come with me.”
Fighting the feeling to turn around and pull his lips to mine, I ask, “Where are we going?”
“Somewhere.”
“Do I get to know where somewhere is?”
“Nope.” Taking my hand, Holden spins me around and pulls me to his chest. “It’s a surprise. You coming or not?”
“Okay.”
He covers my eyes and once again I find myself being spun around. He places one hand on my shoulder, while keeping my eyes covered with his other one. “Walk forward slowly until I tell you to stop.” I put my hands up in front of me to keep me from bumping into anything, as I follow his directions. I feel the screen door at my fingertips when he says, “Open it.”
We step outside and he takes his hand off of my eyes. I blink a couple of times to let my eyes focus in the evening sky. The sun is almost set. A brilliant color of orange is painted on the horizon just above the edge of the cornfields. Holden holds up his leather jacket and I slip my arms into it. The familiar spiced scent with a hint of citrus surrounds me.
Stepping to the side, Holden bows with his arm extended in front of him. “Your steed, my lady.”
Grinning like a fool, I swing my leg over the four-wheeler and make myself comforta
ble. Holden slides in front of me. I wrap my hands tightly around his waist and we take off.
*****
Gravel, mud, and leaves are flung upwards, as we follow the trail along the fields. The chill in the wind has me pressing my face against his back. Although this is fun, I wish he would have told me. I would have put a sweater on.
I flex my fingers trying to tighten my grip, but my hands are too cold. Out of instinct, I search for the edge of Holden’s sweatshirt and slide my hands underneath it. His skin is hot against mine. My hands start to explore his stomach and I notice a soft trail of hair starting at his navel. What am I doing? I clench my thighs around him and link my fingers together. Stay focused.
Holden slows the quad down, as we cross the creek into the woods. We stop where a few trees had fallen years before after they were struck by lightning. They fell over each other creating an x-shape where the trunks crossed. The few smaller limbs which were still intact after they fell, crisscross creating an intricate maze of twigs and branches.
“Why are we here?”
“Why not?” Holden jumps down and holds his hand out for me. I follow him over to the trees. He jumps onto one of the trunks, grabs my hands, and helps pull me up. We slowly walk to where the two trees meet. Moving carefully, we sit in the center of the trees. Holden wraps his hands around my waist and leans his head on my shoulder.
Slightly turning my head, I stare into his deep brown eyes. “Will you tell me why we are here now?”
“Look up.”
I tilt my head up towards the sky. The tops of the trees surrounding us have left an opening between the branches right above us. It is almost a perfect circle made from the tips of red and yellow leaves. The orange sunset is slowly fading, revealing two stars in the deep blue sky.
Holden softly kisses my temple, as he points to the two twinkling diamonds shining above us. “See those stars? They are the first ones to come out every night. One never shines without the other. They are only bright when they are together…like us.”
“We’re stars?”
“It’s more like we need each other. Without you, my light goes out.”
“What happens when I’m with you?”
“I shine so bright the other stars explode. Some people experience fireworks when they love someone. Fireworks are so small in comparison to what I feel for you. When we’re together, all I see are supernovas.”
Not knowing what to say, I lean into him. His arms encircle me and I am at peace. A soft smile plays on my lips. By the time the sun sets, and the last star appears, shining brightly in the black velvet sky above us, my smile has become a permanent fixture upon my face. The chill in the air nips at my nose and I curl into Holden. He rubs my arms up and down trying his best to warm me.
“Come on. Let’s go before you get sick.” He unwraps his arms from around me and I immediately miss the warmth of his body.
“I like it out here.”
Standing, Holden jumps down and holds his hands out for me. I jump into his arms and he catches me before my feet touch the ground. He holds me against him, nose to nose as he whispers, “I like it anywhere with you.”
He sets me on my toes and I push against his chest with the palm of my hand. “Stop.”
“Give me one good reason why I should.”
“If you keep saying all those things, you’ll run out ways to whisk me off my feet.”
His head falls back with laughter. “You think I’m going to run out of ways to get you to fall for me, huh? Baby, you’ve already fallen. You fell a long time ago. I’m just reminding you.”
“You are so sure of yourself.” Rolling my eyes, I sit on the back of the four-wheeler waiting for him to join me.
“Yep.”
“You reek of self-confidence.”
Holden gives me a wink, before sliding in front of me. “If I’m not mistaken you like the way I smell.”
“Holden.”
“Carsten.”
“Shut up and drive.”
“Yes, my lady.” Holden takes off through the woods, slowing when we hit the creek. The rows of corn fly by us, as we speed back to the house.
*****
The headlights shine on the porch, revealing a shadow as we pull up. I try my best to run my fingers through my hair after Holden helps me down, but it is useless. I will have to wash my hair and leave conditioner in it for me to be able to get a comb through it.
“It’s about time you two got back. I wasn’t sure if I needed a search party.” Walt gives us a smile, as he holds open the door for us. “Mom’s made apple cider if you want some.”
We sit with Holden’s parents for a while, enjoying our fresh mugs of hot apple cider. It was a perfect ending to a perfect night. Holden takes my mug when I am finished and sets it in the sink. We say goodnight and I follow him down the stairs.
His room looks huge, since almost everything has been taken out. His bed and the dresser are the only pieces of furniture left in the room. We won’t load those into the back of his truck until tomorrow. My truck is completely full with the box of my mom’s things safety buckled in the front seat. Butterflies flutter around in my stomach, as I think of tomorrow. It will be the first-time Holden and I will truly be alone together.
“Almost everything is upstairs. You want a shirt to sleep in?” He pulls me from my thoughts, as he slips off his shoes and his sweatshirt.
“Sure.”
Smiling, he pulls his t-shirt over his head and hands it to me. I stare blankly at the man before me. I am used to him in fitted t-shirts and shorts when he sleeps with me. Now he is shirtless and I can’t move my eyes from him. He is lean with a shadow of a six-pack on his abdomen. The muscles in his arms are well defined, but it is the trail of hair leading down into his shorts that has truly grabbed my attention. He clears his throat and I realize that he is still holding his hand out for me to take his shirt. He raises his eyebrow as though he is challenging me. Two can play at this game.
Grabbing his shirt, I toss it on the bed beside me. I slip off my shoes and let his jacket that I still have on slip off my arms. The thud of the leather hitting the tile floor echoes behind me. My fingers slowly undo the buttons one by one on my jeans. Whoever designed these jeans knew exactly what they were doing. Holden’s eyes grow wider with every button undone.
I slip my feet from my jeans and pull my long sleeve shirt over my head. He swallows. It is so loud that I can hear it. Turning around, so my back is facing him, I undo the clasp of my bra and drop it onto the pile of clothes. I pull his t-shirt over my head, inhaling the perfection that is Holden and climb into bed. I pull the covers up to my waist and roll onto my side.
“Holden, are you coming to bed with me?”
“Yeah.” The crack in his voice lets me know that I won this round. “Carsten.”
“Yeah?”
“You are never allowed to sleep in anything, but my t-shirts from now on.” He slides into bed behind me. Resting his hand on my hip, he lets me know that he is there. We are close, but not close enough to touch. I grin, as I think of the reasons why he won’t get closer to me. After a few minutes, his arm snakes farther around my waist and pulls my body against his.
My breath hitches, when I feel the stubble of his jaw rub against my neck, just under my ear. My skin prickles from the touch of his breath on my skin. “Carsten, the next time I see you undress like that, I won’t stop myself from touching you.” His lips gently touch my skin. Fire burns through my veins. Holy shit. I feel as though I am electrified from one kiss on the side of my neck. Closing my eyes, I try to think about anything, but Holden’s body against mine. I fail miserably and finally fall asleep frustrated at myself for thinking I had won.
Chapter 15
Rebecca is sitting on the kitchen counter, swinging her feet back and forth, as I dry the dishes and put them in the cabinet. Twisting a long, red curl around her finger, she sighs heavily. When I don’t immediately respond, she sighs two more times for good measure.
“How long have you and Holden been living together here?”
Leaning against the round edge of the light tan counter, I look over at the calendar hanging on the fridge. “Well according to that, it has been forty-three days.” She tilts her head, as if she doesn’t understand my answer. “Holden keeps track of the days on the calendar.”
“You guys have been living together in this apartment, sharing a bed, a couch, a shower, and this kitchen for forty-three days?”
“Yes, except for the shower. We don’t share it. It’s not like we’ve been in it together. The only thing we really share is the bed, but it’s not like we are together-together there, either.”
“And why the hell not, Carsten? Jesus. Have you even looked at Holden, lately? That poor man is under some serious duress.”
“You’re exaggerating.”
“No, I’m not. He watches your every move. He can’t take his eyes off you. At dinner, when you walked behind him and brushed his shoulder with your hand, I thought he was going to faint. What is your issue?”
Dropping my face into my hands, I mumble, “I’m scared.”
“Let’s try that again, please.” Rebecca crosses her legs and begins to tap her fingers on the counter. I have the sudden thought of her being a mom to some poor, innocent child one day. I bet they never get away with anything around her. “Hello. Are you even still here?” She snaps her fingers and my head jerks up, as I glare at her.
“I said I’m scared. Okay? Are you happy now? I don’t want to take advantage of him. I don’t want him to think the only reason I’m with him is because I have nowhere else to go. What if I do cross that line with him, and it’s awful? What if he regrets it afterward? What if he’s built up this elaborate fantasy of me and I fall flat on my ass, completely disappointing him? What if I do it wrong? I haven’t even kissed him, yet. Oh, God. What if I mess that up?”