What You Left Behind

by Len Webster

  Stevie checked to see if anyone had noticed. Ally and Max were talking. Rob was staring at Ally. Noel was whispering in Clara’s ear while Keira and Alex spoke quietly to each other. Stevie held her breath as his pinkie brushed against hers. And then as quickly as she took her next breath, his pinkie wrapped around hers like a promise.

  Her chest now heaved at his touch. Whether it was bravery or stupidity she didn’t know as she closed her fingers, not letting his pinkie go. Their eyes met; blue clashing with blue. She swallowed hard, not sure what was happening around them. She didn’t care because she was at a loss. To speak and to breathe. Julian dragged their hands down and off the table surface, their hands hidden from prying eyes.

  Julian pulled back and she blinked at him, confused. He smiled sweetly before his hand found hers and threaded his fingers through hers, the pad of his thumb brushing her knuckle.

  “Why are you so hell bent on holding my hand?” she asked as she pulled away from him.

  Julian took a step closer and she took one back.

  “Tell me.”

  When he took a step forward, she put both hands behind her back. The smile on his face told her that he liked the challenge. What she didn’t expect was him to cup her face and plant a kiss on her lips. Quick and sweet. His lips were the reason for desperation and desire.

  “Makes me feel like I’m yours for more than just a day on the beach. Makes me feel like I could be yours for eternity.”

  Like she had no filter or brain, she wrapped her arms around his waist and whispered, “I’m yours for eternity.”

  “Keira and I decided that we won’t be getting married,” Alex announced, breaking her from the memory of her time in Thailand.

  Stevie blinked twice to see Julian search her eyes.

  “Memory vault?” he whispered.

  She nodded.

  “A good one?” Julian sounded hopeful.

  “One of our very best,” she replied in a breathless whisper.

  A glass breaking had her flinching and pulling her hand away from his. Stevie looked around to see a horrified look on Clara’s face, tears brimming her eyes.

  “No,” Clara breathed. “Please don’t say it,” she begged and pushed away from her husband.

  Julian didn’t look away from Stevie as he said, “Clara, let them finish.”

  Against her better judgement, Stevie let her eyes meet his again.

  “For eternity, I’m yours,” he whispered for only them to hear.

  Stevie tuned out the conversation around them as her heart stopped beating completely and the air was forced out of her lungs. She turned away, afraid he could see the real emotions she couldn’t mask. She focused on Rob. He frowned as he looked at Stevie and Julian, and grief overcame his face. He shook his head and balled his fists.

  “I’m going to be aunty!” Clara squealed.

  Everyone around them stood up. All she heard were claps and cheers, and congratulations thrown back and forth.

  “You’re having a baby!” Ally cheered.

  A pain Stevie hadn’t felt in four years pierced through every inch of her heart’s surface. The darkness exploded and fed off her pain. She shook her head to remind herself of where she was. Instead of a white bed, she saw an oak table. She dug her nails into it to make sure it was real.

  You’re okay.

  You’re still okay.

  Stevie took a deep breath and rose from her seat. She noticed Keira and Alex smiling and thanking everyone. Their happiness reminded Stevie of exactly where she stood.

  “Congratulations,” she said to the happy couple. “Next round’s on me.”

  Stevie smiled once and took a shaky step from her chair and away from the table. She fought against the memories as she made her way to the bar. She didn’t care who she bumped into as long as she got away from the table. The moment she got to the counter, she held it tightly and slammed her eyes shut. But the tears had already forced their way down her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, Miss Appleton. That pain and bleeding you experienced... I’m sorry but you miscarried.”

  “If it’s a boy, call the champ Julian. And if it’s a girl, name her Juliana,” Julian said, pointing at both Alex and Keira.

  Keira grinned. “Juliana is a pretty name, Alex.”

  Alex breathed in deeply as he set his beer down. “Not happening!”

  “Why?” Keira and Julian asked in unison.

  The features of Alex’s face had hardened. “Because when you breastfeed our kid, Keira, I won’t stop thinking about Julian and how our kid has the same name.”

  Keira’s shoulder sagged. “Julian’s mouth won’t be on my breast. It’ll be our son or daughter. You’re being ridiculous.”

  Julian settled into his seat and let out a short laugh. “My Julian and Juliana will be doing it for me.”

  “See!” Alex shouted, staring at his fiancée.

  Julian peeked over at Noel and said, “So much better than the strippers.”

  Noel chuckled. “You need to be around more often. Never seen Alex squirm so much in my life.”

  Clara slapped Noel’s chest. “Please don’t encourage him. I don’t really like the topic of sex around my brother.”

  Julian shook his head. “How am I meant to continue to do this if you lot are all now Yanks?”

  “Hey!” Keira, the only American at the table, protested.

  “You’re practically Australian now, Keira. I meant those traitors,” Julian said, pointing at Noel and then Clara.

  “I have dual citizenship. I also work and have a house in Massachusetts,” Noel explained.

  He turned his attention to Clara and glared at her. “And you?”

  “I’m married to the guy who works and lives in Massachusetts. I go where he goes.” She gave her husband a chaste kiss and then ran her thumb across the bottom of Noel’s lip.

  Julian rolled his eyes. “Can’t you do a long distance marriage or something so you can stay here, Clars?”

  Clara’s eyelids fluttered several times. “You’re going to miss me?”

  He pressed his lips together and then shook his head. “No! I just want to give Alex some peace. So he knows for sure his best friend isn’t shacking up with his sister.”

  “Fucking hell.” Max laughed.

  “Seriously? I thought we were over that?” Alex growled. “I get it! They have sex.”

  “Hey, you got my friend pregnant!” Clara bit back.

  Keira giggled as Alex wrapped his arms around her tighter. “She was my girlfriend first.”

  Clara stepped away from her husband and stared down at her brother. “She only tolerates you.”

  “Keira, darling, make sure my little sister has nothing to do with the pregnancy,” Alex instructed and then reached for his beer.

  “Ooh!” Julian hollered. “Little one got told!”

  Clara shot Julian a dirty look. “Take it back, Alex.”

  “Or what?” Alex grinned at his sister.

  “I’ll give you a play by play of my wedding night,” Clara stated.

  Julian swiftly got out of his seat. “Best. Night. Ever! Oh, please, share!”

  “Dude,” Noel said, shaking his head.

  Julian waved him off. “Clara’s hot. Do you blame me?”

  “The hell you’re telling me that, Clara. I’m going to pretend like you don’t even know what sex is. Can’t I have that?” Alex asked.

  Her hands were on her hips. “The moment we got to our room, Noel had me on the bed. His hands were under my wedding dress, skimming up my thighs—”

  “Fine! I take it back,” Alex roared, stopping his sister from continuing.

  Clara smiled. “Actually, Noel was already naked by this time.”

  The colour on Alex’s face faded once more.

  Julian quickly rounded the table and hugged Clara, laughing into her hair. “You’re my hero.”

  “Sorry to interrupt,” Mitch, the bartender, said.

  Julian untangled his arms from
Clara just as Mitch placed glasses on their table. “Ah, beer, the real hero!” he said and picked up a mug. He brought it close to his chest and hugged it.

  “Congrats, mate,” Mitch said to Alex before returning to the bar.

  The conversation between the group continued loudly and Julian glanced at the empty seat next to his. He looked around the pub to see Stephanie was nowhere in sight. Without a word, Julian set his beer on the table and made his way to the counter. When he reached it, he stared at every blonde but none had been her.

  “She walked out,” Mitch said the moment Julian made eye contact with him.

  “How long ago?”

  “Right after she ordered. She asked me to bring them to the table. She’s not looking so good,” Mitch added.

  Shit.

  “Thanks, man,” Julian said quickly as he raced to the door, pushing past people and causing beer to spill on his arm. He didn’t care. He’d let it stick to his skin.

  When he reached the door, he pushed it open. Stepping out into the warm air, Julian scanned the car park, but he couldn’t see her. Stephanie’s car was still there, but he couldn’t find her. Something sent her running out of PJ’s and he was determined to make sure she was okay.

  Was it because I held her hand?

  She remembered more than she wanted?

  Too much, too soon?

  Julian headed towards her car. If it were locked, he’d start walking to her apartment. Something was wrong and he wanted to be by her side. Stephanie was okay when they were in the pub. It must have been the hand holding. She didn’t want it. He had to remember that she was the one who was running not him. He had to make her stay. Make her realise that they could be something, anything that would let him be hers.

  As he got closer to Stephanie’s BMW, he heard voices and then a sob. Julian reached the bonnet and peered over towards the driver’s side door, careful not to make noise.

  Stephanie was on the ground, staring at her phone in her hands. She was sobbing and the sight and sound caused his stomach to twist. She pressed the end call button on the screen and then pressed on a contact. Julian stood still, watching her; he was afraid of what his presence could do to her.

  “Hey, it’s Charles. If it’s Saturday, then you know I’m watching the Spurs. Not sure why you’re calling, ya bellend. I’ll get back to you. Stay excellent!”

  Stephanie sniffed and hung up.

  Then she dialled the number again.

  “Hey, it’s Charles. If it’s Saturday, then you know I’m watching the Spurs. Not sure why you’re calling, ya bellend. I’ll get back to you. Stay excellent!”

  She hung up once more and then repeated her previous actions.

  “Hey, it’s Charles—” Instead of letting the voice message play, Stephanie hung up and cried.

  Charles.

  Not me.

  Stephanie covered her face with her hands and phone. She was crying because of a ‘Charles’ and a Charles who had a British accent.

  Every piece of him ached. It was over him she cried. It was someone else. And it was painful to see her against her car, sobbing. As selfish as it was, Julian wanted her to cry over him. To love him.

  Stephanie sniffed, wiped her cheeks, and dialled again. Julian listened to Charles’ voice and this time Stephanie let the message play. She took a deep breath and released it once the loud beep filled the empty car park. “I’m breaking the deal. Not until my degree is finished, I know. But I can’t do this anymore, Charles. I can’t—God, I miss you.”

  She misses Charles.

  She never missed me.

  She never tried to find me.

  “I hope you’re okay,” she said sadly and then hung up. Stephanie kept her eyes on her phone as the screen illuminated her wet cheeks.

  He hadn’t moved, unsure of what to say to her. He couldn’t take his eyes off Stephanie. He’d never seen her so sad. Julian remembered her smiles, her laughs, and the way she looked out at the water and would let out a sigh of content. The woman on the concrete ground wasn’t the Stephanie he knew. But wanted to. While she was in his arms in Thailand, that was all he wanted. All and everything.

  “I’ve only ever been in love twice.”

  Twice.

  He let his head fall as the realisation tore a hole through his heart.

  “Julian?”

  He glanced up to see her staring at him. Stephanie stood up and tucked her phone into her back jeans pocket. She pretended as if he couldn’t see her tears or hadn’t witnessed what he had.

  You love Charles.

  Did you meet him before or after me?

  Will you love me after him?

  “You okay?” he asked, almost afraid to hear what she had to say.

  Stephanie looked away. “Yes.”

  “You’re lying,” he stated.

  Then she sighed. “I know.”

  “You can be honest with me.”

  Her eyes found his. The moon gave him enough light to see the hurt and guilt in them. “I really can’t,” she replied in a small voice.

  Julian stepped forward and brushed her cheeks clean of moisture. “It’s me, Stephanie. You can tell me what’s upsetting you. I’m sorry if I stepped over the line and held your hand. When you didn’t pull away, I thought… I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

  She blinked quickly at him then she pulled away from his touch. “It’s not what you think.”

  He let his hands fall to his side, trying to force the pain to settle into one single spot within his body. But there was no use. He felt it everywhere. “Was it real for you?”

  “What?” she breathed.

  “What we had in Thailand. Was it real for you?”

  Julian’s heart had stilled, waiting for the moment when she’d either free him or crush him. Stephanie’s chest heaved. Each second of her silence chipped away another piece of his heart. He had waited four years for her vocal rejection. To prepare himself for the blow, he dug his hands into his jeans pocket and breathed out.

  “It was real for me,” Stephanie whispered.

  “Charles, stop her!” Sophie screamed.

  “I loved him,” Stevie cried, looking down at the passing lights. “I really did.”

  She closed her eyes and listened to the cars that drove past. The light-headedness was one she was welcoming. It stopped her from feeling. She had gone months without drinking after she had met Charles on a drunken binge. Stevie wasn’t sure how they met when she woke up in his bed, but from that morning onwards, he had been by her side.

  “I didn’t mean it, Stevie. I’m sorry,” Sophie cried. “Charles, get her away from the railing, please!”

  Seconds later, his fingers brushed the back of her hand. Stevie gripped the metal tightly.

  “Don’t do this, Stevie. I can’t lose you,” he whispered in her ear.

  Tears skimmed her cheeks.

  “Don’t leave me like this. Come away with me. We’ll go to Brighton like I promised. We’ll leave right now.”

  Stevie turned and wrapped her arms around him. Charles hugged her tightly, his chin resting on the top of her head.

  “Do you think I’m a whore? Honestly, Charles, tell me. Am I good enough for you?” She cried into his chest, ruining the dress shirt he wore.

  “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

  “There,” she breathed. “That’s why you have to leave because I’m not. Sophie made it loud and clear. I got knocked up by someone I barely knew, Charles. And I don’t even remember how we met.”

  He held her tightly as cars rushed past them. “I love you, Stevie.”

  “You can’t,” she sobbed.

  I’m not worthy of love.

  “But I do. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. Ignore Sophie and my family. I see the beautiful person you really are and that’s all that matters.”

  He wants me to be honest.

  “I miscarried after I found out and that’s why I came to London.”

  Julian’s baby.


  My baby.

  I miscarried our baby.

  Charles pulled her back and looked her in the eye. Those green eyes were ones she loved.

  “Stevie, one day you are going to make an incredible mother. For my birthday, I’d love it if you’d get off this bridge, come home with me, and never punish yourself for something you couldn’t prevent.”

  His thumbs wiped the tears from her cheeks and Stevie smiled.

  “Charles.”

  “Yes, Stevie.”

  “I’m going to love you one day, you’ll see.”

  He lovingly smiled at her and then kissed her forehead. “Don’t forget to tell me when it happens, okay?”

  “Definitely.”

  “Then why did you leave?” Julian’s question had her snapping back to reality.

  It had been over two years since that night on the bridge. Sophie had let the truth of Stevie’s life before she had met Charles slip. It had hurt, especially when Stevie was trying to be better. Trying to live with the pain rather than mask it. Charles had been that light, and meeting his parents had made her realise that he was too pure.

  “I was a teenager, Julian. What was I supposed to do? Stay and what? Talk about the fact that I lost my virginity to a guy I spent a week in pretend with?”

  He winced at her response and the absolute pain and helplessness in his eyes was one she had wished to avoid when she’d left his bed.

  “Pretend?” he asked, almost disgusted. “Like I have to pretend that I didn’t see you cry into your phone.”

  You coming back means remembering Charles.

  Missing Charles.

  Loving Charles.

  I can’t talk about Charles with you.

  “What I felt with you and for you was real, Julian. I couldn’t stay. You had a life you had to return to and so did I,” Stevie explained. It was as close to the truth as possible without admitting that she had fallen in love with him.

  “You think I wanted to come home? Return to a life I had before you?” he asked in a yell. She didn’t miss the crack and hurt in his voice. And she knew she had been the reason for it.