What You Left Behind

by Len Webster

  Julian’s fingers lazily trailed the side of her face. Stephanie’s hands reached up and rested on either side of his face. God blessed this woman with such beauty that he knew very well. His dreams never did her justice.

  “God, you’re beautiful. You have no idea how in awe I am of you. Of how breathless you leave me with each smile you give me and with every glance you shoot my way. And how lucky you make me when you give me a second of your time. I’m thankful to have had my heart ruined and owned by you. Because it’s yours, Stephanie. Just yours,” he admitted. Then he bent down and kissed her chin, her lips, then her nose, and finally her forehead. Stephanie popped open the top button of his shirt then her fingers stopped.

  “Please don’t fuck me,” she whispered.

  He quickly looked down at her. Stephanie’s chest rose heavily as she focused on the next button. She unbuttoned three more before he placed his finger under her chin and lifted her stare to meet his.

  “I don’t think it’s possible for me to fuck you the way you think I will. I can’t fuck you because I never have,” he said softly as he sat up.

  Stephanie mirrored his moves. He didn’t care to take in the room. He would do that later. For now, he would only focus on her. Julian took her hands and helped her off the bed.

  Slow.

  I’ve only had slow with you.

  His fingers found the remaining button of his shirt, popped it and peeled the material off his back. Then he dropped it on the floor. He had expected Stephanie to watch it fall, but she hadn’t. She had kept her eyes on him. And knowing that she had made his chest tighten in a familiar way that he had loved.

  Then he unbuckled his belt and unsnapped his dress pants. When the zip had slid down, he noticed the noise had caused a hitch in her breathing. Julian took a deep breath before he reached down and pulled both socks off. Just as he stood straight, Stephanie closed the small distance between them. She dug her thumbs into the tops of his pants.

  She had blinked once before she instructed in a low voice, “Do me hard and slow.”

  His hands returned to her cheeks and brought her lips to his, kissing her long and deep. Then he pulled back, and in that same hushed voice, he asked, “Only if you’re all in, Stephanie?”

  Stephanie began to pull his pants and underwear down, but he stopped her by pulling her face closer to him. “Say it,” he pleaded.

  Please.

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she opened them and tugged his bottoms completely down until they fell to his ankles.

  “I’ve always been all in,” she whispered before she crushed their mouths together.

  You confessed.

  Julian broke their kiss and dropped his hands from her face to the hem of her pj top. He breathed out and was thankful that she hadn’t changed. He stepped out of his pants and stood closer to her. Him naked and her fully clothed.

  “The last four years, my heart is still…” He had paused before he pulled the top up over her head, exposing her breasts. Then he breathed, “Yours.”

  Her eyes flashed, and he knew she was thinking back to the last time. Before he had taken her virginity. He had expressed that he was hers, and now, four years later, she still was. His fingers slowly traced the curves of her breasts before he crouched down and rested his palms on the sides of her pyjama bottoms. Tilting his chin up, his eyes returned to hers. Wide and beautiful. Curious and wonderful.

  “Everything I am… is still yours,” he confessed and pulled down her pants. Then he reached up and slid his fingers into the side of her panties. He took a deep breath and then kissed her thigh once before he looked back up at her. “Everything I will be… is still yours.”

  He pulled down her pink lace panties until they were around her ankles. Stephanie stepped out of them and Julian stood up. Stephanie naked was truly glorious and beautiful. He cupped her face and inched her lips to him.

  “I’m still yours, Stephanie. I will always be yours,” he breathed before he turned their bodies and they fell onto the bed.

  His right hand left her face and trailed the side of her body until it rested behind her knee. Then he bent her knee and then the other until he settled there. His fingers trailed up her thighs, inching closer when her hands abruptly covered his, stopping him. Then Stephanie pulled him to her, his body covering hers. Her hands were on his cheeks and kissed him. Hard.

  “No foreplay.”

  He frowned and pulled back. “I want to see you come.”

  She shook her head. “You will, if you do this right. But I need you in me. Not your fingers or your tongue. You. I want you to fuck me slow and hard. Like you did before.”

  I made love to you.

  Julian got on his elbows, mystified as to why she wanted it like before. “Why?”

  Never has there been such a stall to have sex.

  But this is as honest as she’s been with me.

  Stephanie pushed back his hair, and she smiled sadly. “Because I haven’t had it as good as you. I haven’t been touched the same or better. I hadn’t had the fireworks like when you made me come. No one has looked at me the same or kissed me the same since you. No one has come close to you.”

  “Not even Charles?” He regretted the question the moment it slipped his lips, knowing that she’d end what was happening.

  Tears filled her eyes and then he felt her fingers run down his stomach until they wrapped around him. He looked down to see her touch him and urge him to enter her. He closed his eyes, holding back the need to thrust into her hand.

  “Not even Charles.”

  Those three words had him snapping his eyes open. Stephanie’s tears skimmed the side of her face, and she kissed him lightly. Her grasp on him had loosened before it became non-existent.

  “I’ve never been the same since you,” she uttered.

  Her confession drove his heart wild as he slowly plunged deep into her. Relishing the tight feeling of her around him, squeezing him, claiming him. He stopped the moment his length was halfway in and panted. Stephanie lifted her hips to meet him and his hands cupped her ass before he lifted her up and positioned them so that she straddled him. Then he slammed her hard down on him.

  “Oh,” she gasped.

  “I’m sorry,” he breathed. “You wanted it slow.”

  Stephanie wrapped her legs around him and her palms on the side of his neck. She lifted her hips up and stopped, leant back, and brought him with her.

  “Like in Thailand,” she instructed and slid her hand to the back of his neck and the other to his ass cheek to urge him.

  Julian nodded. “My soul, my existence, every part of me has been yours from the very start, Stephanie. The very start,” he confessed as he slowly entered her again. Relishing, savouring, and memorising the slow burn of what it felt to be inside Stephanie once more.

  “C’est parfait.”

  Julian hugged Stephanie’s body closer to him, replaying the memory of her uttering to him in French for the first time. Instead of her warm body, he felt the cool mattress. His hand ran down the sheet and quickly opened his eyes at the realisation that she had left him. Again.

  No.

  “Stephanie!” he blurted out as jerked up, searching for her.

  He quickly looked at the bed as the hysteria rose within him. He’d made love to her three times before exhaustion hit. To his right, his clothes pooled by the side of the bed and the sight caused his stomach to dip. Julian scanned the dimly lit room. Then he saw her. Stephanie sat on the chair by the white desk. Her knees pressed against her chest and her eyes on him.

  Thank God.

  Just as he was about to crawl across the bed to her, Stephanie softly instructed him to stop.

  His body froze at her command.

  Stephanie turned and stared at her hands. She wasn’t naked. She had dressed in a short red nightdress. It didn’t take him long to see the regret consume her face. The off-distance stare she had weighed heavy on his chest.

  “I had to see i
t,” she whispered, her focus was still on her hands. Then she reached over and picked up a box on the desk.

  Julian got off the bed, picked up his underwear from off the floor, and then slipped them on. He rounded the queen-size bed until he was next to her. He read the label on the box: Postinor-1.

  Blinded by her lips and the need to be with her, he had forgotten contraception. He had a condom in his wallet. But they’d had sex three times. And one condom wasn’t enough. He should have asked if she were on birth control; it was evident by the morning-after pill in her hand that she wasn’t.

  Julian got on his knees and took her left hand. He squeezed it gently, but she didn’t face him, her gaze still on the box.

  “Stephanie, I use condoms. I swear. That momentary lack in judgement was because I got lost in the moment. I’m clean.”

  She pulled her hand back and then glanced over at him. “I haven’t had sex in two years. I had my implant taken out last month. I wasn’t planning on sleeping with you… or anyone.” Then she opened the box and took the pill out of the foil packaging before she dry swallowed it.

  He got to his feet and quickly wrapped his arms around her head, bringing her close to his stomach. And then he felt and heard it.

  Stephanie sobbed.

  She twisted her body and then wrapped her arms around his legs. It was the most painful sound he’d ever heard. It wasn’t forced or acted. Those tears were real, and her sobbing had him falling to his knees. Placing his hands on either side of her head, Julian pulled her back. The heartbreak was evident in her eyes.

  His thumbs brushed her tears away. He had no words. He had no idea how to make her better. Because in front of him was someone far too broken. Most would say beyond repair but that he didn’t believe.

  “You have to go.”

  Julian shook his head. “I can’t leave you.”

  “I need time to think about what’s happened,” Stephanie said.

  He rested his forehead against hers. “I’m afraid that if I leave, then you’ll take off and I’ll never see you again.”

  Her eyelids fluttered, trying to blink away her tears. “There’s nowhere I can run to. You found me.”

  Their lips had met briefly before he uttered, “Let me keep you.”

  “You can’t.”

  The way his heart violently clenched had him breathless. Like she had punched a hole through his chest.

  “Why?” he strangled out.

  “I just had to witness it,” she mumbled.

  He breathed out and lightly rubbed his nose against hers. “Witness what?”

  “Your desperation.”

  Every function of his body halted and then his eyes widened. “My what?”

  “I needed to see your reaction if you thought I had left you again,” Stephanie explained. That was when her eyes saddened.

  “Steph—”

  She interrupted him by wrapping her palms around his wrists and tugging his hands off her face. “I’m sorry I left you in Thailand. I’m sorry you woke up and I had left. I’m sorry I never gave you goodbye. I’m sorry I never gave you a chance.”

  Four years.

  I waited for those words for four years.

  Four years and they’re not enough.

  I need her heart.

  I need her love.

  “But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m not right for you, Julian. I can’t destroy you. I won’t do that to you again,” she promised. Then she began to stand, and Julian did, too. He had given her enough space before she walked past him, towards the door. Once she reached it, Stephanie opened it and then crossed her arms over her chest.

  “You have to go.”

  “But… I thought…” he stammered.

  “Please, Julian. Please leave,” she begged.

  “Stephanie—”

  “Please. Before Noel and Clara come home.” She didn’t meet his stare. The finality in her voice boomed.

  “Okay,” he whispered, giving her what she wanted.

  Stephanie exhaled in relief.

  Julian returned to the side of the bed where his clothes lay. Quietly, he dressed himself before he made his way to Stephanie, waiting by the door.

  He brushed back her blonde hair and kissed her forehead. “This doesn’t mean I’m letting you go or giving up.”

  She closed her eyes and nodded. “I know. But it doesn’t mean I’ll give in.”

  He smiled the moment she opened them. “You’ve always been my all-in, Stephanie.”

  She glanced away quickly before she reached up and let her thumb brush his cheek. Then she kissed him deeply. Not possessive or to lay claim. It was sweet, it was honest, and he knew she had finally become vulnerable to him.

  When she broke the lock their lips had made, she whispered, “You’ve always been mon soleil rayonnant. But right now I can’t be with you.”

  “Stevie? What are you doing?” Roxy, her roommate, asked once she walked into their room.

  Stevie didn’t reply as she threw articles of her clothing into her suitcase. Then she quickly went into the bathroom and collected her hairbrush and makeup. When she returned to their bedroom, Stevie dropped them all into her bag. She didn’t care about things like the shampoo and towel she’d brought to Thailand with her.

  “Look at me, Stevie. STOP!”

  And Stevie did. But she didn’t meet Roxy’s eyes. Instead, she stared at the mess that was inside of her suitcase.

  “What are you doing?”

  Stevie slowly raised her eyelids and peeked at Roxy’s concerned expression. “I have to leave,” she replied and then closed her case and zipped it. Then she walked to the bedside table drawer and removed her passport.

  Roxy’s attempts to stop her from removing her luggage from the bed were a failure. Stevie pulled the handle and sighed.

  “I slept with him,” she revealed.

  “And?”

  Her eyes finally met Roxy’s. “I’m going back to Melbourne. You have a great rest of Schoolies, yeah?”

  “Stevie, what happened? Did he… force you?”

  Stevie’s stomach twisted at the thought. He hadn’t raped her. It was consensual. Nothing was forced. She had willingly given him her virginity.

  “No,” she whispered once she reached the door. Then she turned and attempted a smile. “I fell in love with him.”

  “Oh,” Roxy breathed.

  “I’ll see you back home, Rox.” And with that goodbye, Stevie exited the hotel room. She’d have the front desk call the shuttle bus for the airport and then she’d be on her way home. She was determined to forget about the man she left to wake alone in that villa filled with their memories.

  “You all right?”

  Rob’s voice had bile rising up her throat. Stevie had swallowed hard before she looked up from her champagne glass.

  “Fine,” she said in a small voice.

  “Come on, Stevie. I know you. You isolate yourself when you’re upset. What’s going on with you?” Rob’s hands were on her shoulder, and he turned her body to face him.

  His worried blue eyes made her want to vomit. For a year, she had been interested in Rob. But she was too afraid to want more than heavy kisses with him. The guilt swirled and made the nauseated feeling in her worse.

  I slept with your brother two days ago.

  “Please?” he asked with a glimmer in his eyes.

  Oh, my God.

  Oh, my God.

  I might throw up on Rob.

  She couldn’t breathe. As hard as she tried, no air filled her lungs. Something in Rob’s eyes flashed. He took the glass out of her hand and placed it on the window seat next to her. Then his hands returned to her shoulders.

  “Stevie,” he said in a levelled voice.

  “I-I…” she stammered.

  I slept with Julian.

  Say it.

  Just confess.

  Oh, my God, I had sex with Julian.

  I haven’t slept with anyone since Charles.

  “
Stevie, you’re scaring the fuck out of me.”

  She could tell that he held back the growl in his voice. Rob didn’t want to make a scene at Noel and Clara’s goodbye dinner. It wasn’t a large party, mostly their friends and a few of Clara’s former bakery co-workers. All Stevie wanted to do was stroke Rob’s cheek as she used to and tell him it would all be okay. But she had never felt more disconnected to Robert Moors than she did now.

  She faked a smile. “I’m fine.”

  I tell lies.

  “You don’t—”

  “I’m going to get some air,” Stevie interrupted. She didn’t look back at Rob to see if he’d follow her out to the balcony. When she didn’t hear his footsteps, she sighed in relief and sat down on one of the patio chairs.

  Gazing out at the Melbourne skyline, she stared at the way the stars twinkled just above the buildings. It wasn’t quite like Thailand. Not as bright. Not as beautiful. But it settled the pressure in her chest and relieved her stomach of the knots. Because whenever she was lost, she did look at the sky and the stars. They had become her direction, hope, and inspiration. Just like Julian had said they would be back in Thailand.

  Stevie leant back into her chair and let her eyelids flutter shut. Sex with Julian wasn’t supposed to happen. It was as if she had no control. She had let her heart persuade every ounce of control out of her brain and body. When he had slipped off his shirt, she’d refused to see if his tattoo was really still on his chest. But as he entered her for the first time again, she had glanced briefly at it. Still tattooed on his pec was that big ‘S.’ Julian hadn’t been lying. And a part of her wished he had. Then it wouldn’t mean a single thing. Her heart wouldn’t have a reason to jump or throb. Her breathing wouldn’t be at a reckless pace. It would be levelled and normal. But everything about her wasn’t the same. Hadn’t been since him.

  But there was no denying that she had missed him in the last two days. Missed the way his body hugged hers or the way his fingers trailed up her spine until it reached the ‘J’ she had tattooed on the back of her neck. Julian hadn’t said a word. Until he fell asleep, he’d continued to trace his initial. She had only pretended to fall asleep. Instead, she lay still and listened to his breathing. Just as sweet as she remembered. When she was sure he wouldn’t wake, she quietly got dressed and took out the morning-after pill she had for emergencies. She wasn’t taking any chances after she had her implant removed. She couldn’t let the idea of a miscarriage wreak havoc on her again. What she hadn’t prepared herself for was how quick she’d sleep with Julian. The decision was as spontaneous as they were. She had just wanted to feel if the magic had disappeared. It hadn’t. It had lain dormant until it exploded into life once more.