What You Left Behind

by Len Webster

  Julian: Happy wife. Happy life. I’ll be over soon.

  Julian: Blondie, you doing all right?

  Stevie stared at the message he had sent almost an hour ago. Yesterday, she had stayed in bed and decided her internship meant nothing to her. She’d find another way to get a good reference—even if it meant working for one of her mother’s contacts. It would also mean returning to London and seeing Charles. She hadn’t seen him since she left England over two years ago. He had practically thrown her on that plane. Her gap year was finished, and he had wanted what was best. They’d figure out their lives when she finished. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that she loved him. But she loved him enough to know that a future was impossible if she stayed in Melbourne.

  “Baby, brunch is a stupid idea!” Clara’s husband, Noel, shouted as he entered the lounge room.

  Stevie didn’t care that her best friend’s husband was seeing her at her worst. Lying on the couch in yesterday’s pjs, her messy blonde hair was up in a somewhat bun. It was so glamorous that she didn’t care that Noel had chuckled and made his way to the couch. He playfully slapped her knee and Stevie groaned, squirming to give him some space to sit. Noel then stretched his legs out and rested his feet by the side of her body.

  “I didn’t suggest brunch. You did! You said it was the best of both worlds. Your brother loves lunch, and my brother loves breakfast,” Clara explained in a yell from her bedroom.

  Noel sighed, his emerald-green eyes focused on Stevie. She dropped her phone on her stomach and raised her brow at him. The loud sound of Clara’s hairdryer filled the apartment, and Stevie knew this was the time to ask Noel questions.

  “Noel, can I ask you something?”

  His lips tugged into a smile, reminding Stevie of just how lucky her best friend was in marrying a very attractive man. “Shoot.”

  “What are the odds that Julian will forget me?” she asked, slightly afraid to have an answer.

  The muscles in his jaw tensed and then the colour in his eyes softened. “He’s never going to give up on you. You’re the girl who broke his heart. You have to understand that. Think of it like this: I never forgot Clara, even when she told me it was over. I never stopped believing we were right for each other, even though I knew she should have been with Liam. It’s the same for Julian. He hasn’t stopped waiting. And honestly, Stevie, I think he’d have waited forever to find you.”

  It was as if Noel had sliced her heart and then poured acid over it, ensuring every cell and surface was inflicted with a burning pain. She wasn’t heartless. But what Noel said made her feel like she was. Because she’d rather kill him than have him wait. It was clear what kind of monster she really was.

  “Then he deserves to be hurt,” Stevie confessed in a small voice.

  Noel got off the couch. Stevie peeked up to see the conflicted emotion in his eyes.

  “He’s my best friend and you’re my wife’s. I’m going to ignore what you said. But I’ll say this; no man deserves what he went through.”

  Stevie nodded, completely understanding what he meant. “I know. That’s why I can’t do it a second time. I care about him enough to avoid a repeat. I’m only going to break his heart, Noel. I don’t want to, but I think it’s the only way for him to realise that I’m not healthy for him. Please believe me when I say that this is better for him.”

  I love him enough to hurt him.

  “Noel, I’m done. You better get ready,” Clara interrupted. Stevie turned her head to see Clara staring at her phone by her bedroom door.

  “Sure, baby.” He bent down, his mouth close to Stevie’s ear. “Then you better convince him that you don’t cry over him. I know you love him, Stevie. Either tell him or never see him again.” Then Noel stood up, walked up to his wife, and kissed her forehead as he entered the bedroom.

  Stevie glanced down to see the message Julian had sent her. She couldn’t possibly tell him the truth. She’d rather live with the guilt. Because one confession would unravel many more. And she was ashamed to admit that she couldn’t take care of their unborn baby enough. That she miscarried. That she had loved their baby because it was half him.

  “Stevie, are you all right?” Clara asked. The concern consumed her light brown eyes.

  Confess. Confess. Confess.

  “Stevie, you’re scaring me.” Clara had made her way around the couch; she reached over and wiped the tears from Stevie’s face. “Look at me.”

  And Stevie did.

  The concerned expression on her best friend’s face was one that made her stomach knot. This wasn’t how their friendship worked. Stevie was the tough one. She was the one to be there for Clara. But their roles had reversed.

  “I was…” she mumbled out.

  “Yes?”

  I can’t tell Clara.

  “Upset over that documentary about seals,” Stevie lied.

  “Seals?” Clara raised her brow, and Stevie could tell that she wasn’t buying it.

  “Fine,” Stevie sighed. “I watched A Walk to Remember for the first time. You happy? Landon Carter stole my heart and the wedding was just… I couldn’t not cry.”

  Clara stood up and giggled. “Is that why you took a day off work?”

  Stevie nodded and continued her lie. “Ugly cry, Clara. It was disgusting how much Nicholas Sparks made me cry. Mandy Moore is an absolute bitch for her amazing performance.”

  A relieved expression now overtook the concern on Clara’s face. “Thank God. I thought something had happened with you and Julian. You still haven’t told me about what happened the other night between you two.”

  “Nothing hap—”

  “Let’s go, Clara. We’re going to be late,” Noel interrupted.

  Clara blinked twice at her and then her eyes flashed in a sadness that had the guilt in Stevie intensifying. “You’re lying,” she simply stated.

  Noel was by his wife’s side. “Baby, come on. Alex is already at the restaurant.”

  “Okay,” Clara said, not meeting Stevie’s glances. “We’ll see you later, Stevie.”

  I’m sorry I have to lie to you, Clara.

  I’m sorry I can’t be the best friend you want or need me to be.

  The married couple left the lounge room and headed towards the apartment door. Stevie sighed and sank further into the couch then she heard Noel shout, “I forgot my phone. Go on without me. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  Seconds later, Noel was by the couch with an apologetic look on his face. “Stevie, about before. I’m sor—”

  She placed her phone on the glass coffee table to her left and then shook her head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I get why you said it.”

  A relieved sigh passed his lips. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know what it’s like to be Julian.”

  Stevie brought her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Noel then sat in the space she had vacated. She remained quiet as Noel stared at his wedding ring.

  “I wouldn’t have Clara if it weren’t for you. I owe you a lot for getting Liam to come to Boston. Now I have to do what you did for me.” He paused and faced her. “Stevie, I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I don’t know your story, but I know Julian’s. I love the guy. He’s one of the best people I know. He told me never to give up on Clara. He pushed me to fight for her. I know what it’s like to have the woman I love think being apart is better than being together.

  “I had to live with it. And it is the worst pain I have ever felt. To know how right you are with and for someone. To love someone so much. To know that your future is with her, but you can’t have it. To have her take it away from you. To know she’d be happy with another man. It’s the worst kind of pain. I don’t want him to continue to experience it. I know I can’t make you love him. But if you do, even in the slightest, give him a chance. The kid loves forever. And if you aren’t capable of falling in love with him, then I hope you have enough compassion not to break him further.”

 
I’ve loved him from the start.

  In all our irrationality, we made sense.

  I just realised too late.

  The moment his phone started ringing, Noel stood up and took it out of his pocket. “Thanks, baby. Yeah, you calling helped me find it. I’m coming down now.”

  When he hung up, he gave her a smile. She knew that he had lied about forgetting his phone so they could talk. Stevie stretched out her legs and glanced at the coffee table.

  “I can’t make promises I won’t keep, Noel. But I’m not heartless. I feel like I am, but I don’t want to hurt him. That’s why I can’t allow anything to happen between us. There are things about me that aren’t right for him. I’m not what he deserves.”

  Noel took a deep breath. “I think you’re wrong. I think he does deserve you.”

  Stevie stared at the kitchen bench with the loaf of bread in one hand and a carton of orange juice in the other. Then she grimaced at the counter. Last week she had caught Noel and Clara on it. And it had been very clear what the newlyweds had planned to do on it. Stevie’s eyes ran the entire length of the marble. She decided that the possibility that her best friend and her husband had had sex on the surface of the bench was high. Those two were like rabbits.

  A knock on the front door had her glancing up at it. It had been ten minutes since Noel and Clara had left for lunch. No one knew that she had recently moved, so the chance that it was for her was slim. So she ignored the visitor. If it were one of those knockers who gave out religious pamphlets, she’d move. Sure, she was all for religion, but Stevie hated anyone to force it on her. But that was her opinion. The knocks became heavy bangs and Stevie slammed the bread and juice on the counter. Then she huffed and stalked towards the door. Rage boiled as the person behind the door continued to slam a baby whale into the door—exaggeration, she knew, but she could hear the vibration with each pound against the wood.

  When she reached the door, she palmed the handle before she yanked it open, screaming, “Look—”

  She stilled.

  “’Bout time, Blondie.” Julian smirked as his eyes travelled down her body. “Nice pjs.”

  Stevie clenched her eyelids shut and let her shoulders sag.

  Un-freaking-believable.

  After a quick inhale, Stevie opened her eyes to see his smirk still on his lips. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of her taking in his appearance. She didn’t have to look to know that he wore his suit well.

  “They’re grapes,” she pointed out. It was her favourite pair. It combined her two favourite things: fruit puns and sleepwear. She had to buy it the moment she read, ‘I’m grape-ful for sleep!’ and saw the cute grapes with smiles on their faces.

  “They’re cute. Can I come in?” he asked with a glimmer in his light blue eyes.

  Such a bastard.

  “Ummm, no. You can take your suit-clad ass out of this apartment building.”

  Julian pouted. “Please? I’d be very grape-ful, Stephanie. I think we’d make a grape pair.”

  Her nostrils flared as she squinted at him. “I. Hate. You,” she growled.

  “Nah, you like me just fine, Blondie. You think I’m grape company.” Julian grinned before he pushed past her and entered the apartment.

  She quickly spun on the balls of her feet to see him taking off his shoes and discarding them by the hallway table. Then Julian returned to her and placed the bag she had only just noticed in her hands.

  “What is this?” Stevie inspected the shopping bag and noticed an apple.

  “Did you fake a sickie to avoid seeing me?” he asked. The hurt in his voice was one she couldn’t ignore.

  Stevie stared at the way sadness slowly consumed his face. His eye colour dulled and his lips made a frown.

  “Yes,” she replied honestly. Because that was as honest as she could be without telling him the real reason why she was hiding from him.

  “Oh,” he uttered before his hands dug into his pockets.

  Her eyes fell from his face to the bag. “I’m quitting my internship. I can’t be around you.”

  It’s better this way.

  “Don’t do that. You’re limiting your chances of finding a job after you finish your degree. I’ll end my consultation services,” Julian announced.

  “Don’t do that,” she said as she noticed something on the apple.

  “I’d do anything for you.”

  She quickly glanced up to see a small smile on his face. It would be easy for her to say yes. To tell him to do it. But it was selfish and she couldn’t have him risk his career because she couldn’t cope with seeing him. She couldn’t help but think back to when they were in Thailand. When they were in the hammock and he didn’t want what they had to end. But it had. She had made sure of it.

  “I’d believe in anything for you.”

  Four years later, she still didn’t doubt him. And that was what kind of menace Julian could be. Persistent and lingering. Unable to take the way his stares made her heart jump, Stevie focused on the apple. Curious to see the black mark, Stevie held the bag in one hand and picked up the green apple in the other.

  On the skin of the Granny Smith was written ‘Ton,’ and she couldn’t suppress the laughter that had escaped her.

  “Seriously?” she asked, bewildered.

  Then her eyes met his. And relief filled her veins when his beautiful smile brightened his face.

  “I wasn’t going to bring you a ton of metal was I? I don’t think you could lift it,” he teased.

  She inspected the Granny Smith more carefully and registered it as an influencer of her heart’s stupid, clenching behaviour. “Damn you, Moors,” she cursed under her breath.

  “Blondie?”

  Her gaze met Julian’s as he took the bag from her hand. Then his eyes travelled down to her lips and then her chest.

  “Are you going to stay in your pjs all day? You’re quite the lazy thing, aren’t you, Apple-ton?” He had smiled proudly before he quickly turned and made his way towards the kitchen.

  Stevie glared at the apple. Her fingers traced every single letter that marked the fruit. Then she let out a bothered sigh.

  “I now fucking hate fruit puns,” she muttered and stalked to her bedroom to change.

  “Stephanie?”

  Julian knocked once more.

  Still no reply.

  He breathed out and rested his forehead on her bedroom door. It had been fifteen minutes since she had locked herself in there. “For what it’s worth, I love your grapes.”

  He waited.

  Still there was silence.

  Maybe she’s upset that I called her lazy.

  I better apologise.

  “I shouldn’t have said you were lazy. I was joking,” he explained.

  The moment he heard footsteps, Julian straightened his spine and waited. There was a pause in the sound of movement before the door opened. Stephanie’s eyes were planted on the floor as she held out the apple he had written ‘Ton’ on.

  “You made me hate fruit puns,” she stated.

  Julian took a step back, creating more distance between him and the hand that held the apple. “I made you laugh.”

  Stephanie’s eyes met his. He could see the flash of hurt in them. That flash of pained emotion was one he couldn’t understand.

  “Exactly.”

  He flinched at the coldness and bitterness she had voiced in that one word. It was as if she had injected dry ice straight into his chest.

  “I can’t make you laugh?” he asked, astonished.

  She turned her head slightly, staring at the frame of the door. “What are you doing here, Julian? You should be consulting. And you should be anywhere but here. With anyone but me.”

  “No,” he breathed, and she quickly met his gaze.

  Her lips parted, and she began to shake her head.

  “No one but you.” Then he lunged for her, cupping Stephanie’s face and colliding his mouth with hers.

  The first contact of her lips w
as like a star exploding and obliterating everything in its path. It was deep. But almost too shallow and not enough. He had expected that she’d pull away. Instead, Stephanie kissed him back, matching his pace to hers. Her lips moved over his with perfect timing and with a perfect rhythm. But no matter how good it felt to feel her lips and have her mouth close to his, he knew she was holding back. Unlike their previous kisses, her hands weren’t in his hair, grasping and urging him for more.

  “Drop the apple and kiss me like you fucking mean it,” he growled against her mouth.

  He heard it. The thump the apple made as it hit the floor. Then he felt it. Her hands on his hips as she pulled him against her. The contact of their bodies enticed a moan out of one of them. He wasn’t sure if it was him or her. Or even both. He assumed his heavy panting was what echoed. She met Julian with no hesitation as his tongue found hers. Warm. Soft. And everything he remembered.

  Love me, Stephanie.

  Please love me.

  “Kiss me like you mean it, Julian,” she breathed before she pulled him into her room.

  He kicked the door closed. And the loud noise had her missing a beat in the fluidity their lips made.

  “I told you first.”

  Kiss.

  Moan.

  Kiss.

  Groan.

  Bite.

  Fall.

  In.

  Love.

  With.

  Me.

  “Kiss me like in Thailand,” Stephanie instructed as she pulled his shirt out of its tucked position.

  Julian broke away, panting as he stared at her. The confusion consumed brightly in her eyes. For a brief moment, she was with him. The eighteen-year-old he fell in love with four years ago. But within a blink, she was gone.

  “Please?”

  Show me you love me.

  “Julian, please.”

  Slowly, he took a step towards her. Then his hand cupped her jaw and he walked her towards the bed. When her back hit the sheets, he covered her body with his. His lips lingered on hers. Not wanting to touch her just yet. He looked into her eyes, searching for the only girl he had ever fallen in love with. Deep down, he knew he’d have to break through several walls to reach her. To free her.